What would you do if you found out that the person you're dating was still legally married?

[beebella]

They've been separated from their spouse for a while, but neither of them have filed for divorce. Would you continue seeing them or break up with them?

I would continue seeing them

I would break up with them

I would do something else

It depends on things

[Qdbrown]

If you want a serious relationship, ditch them. Freshly divorced people are not wise investments. Barring that they couldn't afford to divorce or were estranged for years might help their healing time, as a general rule people not divorced should not be messed with. There are a lot of red flags. People with purpose do what is necessary, and don't let problems keep on, keeping on. There are exceptions, if you want roll the dice, that's on you.

If you're just recreational sex, I personally would not sex up married people. This is why the dating landscape is so messed up. If married people faced more consequences, they would take their vows more seriously. If people has ethics and morality, they would not knowingly touch a married people. All these people are running around thirtsy and entitled to believe they can get all they can, but then wonder why later on their wives bail for the dumbest reasons. Then they wonder why, and actually get mad, when earlier in life they thought it was funny to bag married person. It really does rub both ways, and life has a funny way to deal you, as you dealt it.

[Finchie40]

I would still date her but tell her the only way we can be serious is if she proves to me she is filing for divorce and proves to me she is not with him anymore , A lot of people get separated without filing divorce and the main reason is for financial reasons so if she proved to me she is no longer with him then I would be supportive of her but if I feel like she is just playing games I won’t waste my time with her

[Anonymous]

It would depend for how long they had been separated and on how emotionally invested I had become..
Actually my mom and dad are not legally divorced but just separated for 25+ years now xD. So crazy, but obviously they are over each other and I do refer to them as divorced if telling about them.
If it was less than like a year that the person had separated with the ex it would probably be a problem because I would think they might not be 100 % over each other.. I have tried that a man did not say something important about his life situation before I had fallen for him, and we never really worked it out.. I hope that will never happen again, because I do think it is difficult for me to trust someone who kept a big secret.

[Ally247]

Make them file for divorce, give them an ultimatum

[OlderAndWiser]

1. He is still married and, regardless of how long they have been separated, he does not prepare to move forward until the divorce is final. In the meanwhile, you are an interesting - and perhaps fun - diversion, or maybe a rebound relationship.

2. If you get beyond the problems raised above. . . has he affirmatively mislead you about his marital status or did you make assumptions without asking or verifying the facts? How did yo eventually discover that he is still married?

[coachTanthony]

-----------Many people split up and decide to get divorced but in the end they never get around to it so they go about their lives. Years later they forget they aren't actually divorced on paper even though they have been separated for years. This can be an issue if your partner finds out so without a good explanation I would probably move on.

"Not everything is what it seems."
~Coach T Anthony @thedatecoach IG

[Cynicaldreamer]

Break up with him!!!

I don't care if they are separated: until I see those divorce papers, he's still considered married.

I don't mind dating a divorced man: once he's officially single. But to lie about it? Nope. That's a dealbreaker

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

So by find out❓ That means they started dating me before they told me they were still married❓ Oh.. That's definite deal breaker there... Someone that starts a relationship built on lies, I want no part of that..

[Paris13]

Firstly, He would have Lied to me. I would Not Trust him. I would Think He is Still Hooked to Her and How about WHEN is a Divorce? Of Course----He may Not Do One, hun. xx

[spearheadbt]

I don't understand some of the answers. Things are hardly black and white here. First, it depends on how you find it out. If it is your date who told you, then he/she is being honest. And frankly, if you are still married, is this something you'd write in your dating app profile, or the first thing you'd tell someone who just accepted a date with you? "Hey you, wanna grab a coffee sometime? by the way, I am still married". "by the way, I have a very big debt" or "by the way, I want/don't want kids".

Then there is the why no divorce was filled. In Canada, you have to wait at least a whole year of living apart before filling up. Unless you sue your spouse for cheating or violence, but I doubt you want to lie in court. Then if both ex-partners are living in other cities, it might make things complicated. And it's also not necessarily cheap to divorce, so you might want to wait a bit. There's all sorts of reasons that might prevent people from divorcing right away. You're not necessarily a rebound.

And there's also the whole question of how long they were together. Being in a marriage for 10 years, or a couple of months is totally different. It might have been a marriage of convenience (ie. to be able to bring your spouse abroad) and things went wrong.

For the same reasons you don't talk about all your problems the first couple of dates, you might not want to bring this up too early. If I don't know the girl and she tells me this straight away, I might think about it two times before accepting dating her. But if I date her for some time and really dig her, and as it gets more serious she tells me, then I'll be understanding and it's no biggie. But maybe I don't like her and we stop dating before she ever tells me. That's the thing, it's better to get to know the person first, to see if you actually really like the person, before going into the negatives. If you start with the negatives... not a good idea.

[spearheadbt]

And for some people (like me), marriage is just a peace of paper. For some people it's a very big deal it seems, but there are other people who don't care about it and it is simply to make things easier. Some people date for years without ever getting married, others do and then divorce. In some cases, there's no real difference between the two; a signature, a ceremony and then a piece of paper.

[ArrowheadSW]

Back about 20 years ago I was dating a lady who wasn't fully divorced yet. If I had it to do over again, I don't think that I would do that. She hadn't got over it yet and she was still on the rebound.

On a different note, I know a lady who was engaged to a guy for a year. So after a year, she was asking him when they'd finally go through with it and get married. He said that he needed to get divorced from his wife first. He had been separated all that time and had never bothered to file for divorce. She had no idea. Needless to say, she didn't marry him... LOL

[RichardCranium6201]

I don't know... there's a lot of things still in question. Like, how do u feel about him? Regardless of every 1 telling you to break up with him, that's not gunna be a easy thing to do if your feelings are involved. But you need to do something. Ok so, 1st, u need to be open and honest. 100%. Let him know it's not cool, and if the divorce isn't moving forward in a 2 weeks, then your out. Your gone. 2 weeks is plenty of time for him to get his ass to a court building and at least start the process. If he does that, make sure he keeps moving it forward and only does he stop when it's the 6 month grace period. Cuz at that point all your doing is waiting for the 6 months to end, for the divorce to be finalized. If at any time he stops before that, then he's just playing with you in which case i agree with every 1 else. Leave him. He's no good.

[Anonymous]

A relationship built on lies, is not a relationship. Separated, and "almost divorced," do not mean available in any way, shape, or form, in my book. If that person was serious about me, they would have either told me straight away what was going on and allowed me to make a competent decision based on the facts of the situation as to whether to even continue on, or made it clear that we can't be serious until that paperwork is on the books. People in these nasty sort of situations have been known to change their minds and go back with the ex and where does that leave you....the fool desperately holding on to a pipe dream.

[MasseurDeMojo]

This actually has happened to me. I liked the woman, and would of had her; she came clean, and let me know she was married. I told her, I do not play with married women. She understood where I was coming from and told me about her friend who was single.

She eventually found a man who did not care that she was married, and she got what she wanted {sex}. I do not play that game; I do not want a husband coming after me, and be the reason why their family fell apart!

[Red_Arrow]

I actually have a family member that was married to an ass. She separated and did not see him any more, but left the marriage in place as a shield to protect herself from getting into another bad relationship. She met a guy who she adored, filed for divorce, and married the new guy (and is still very happily married). They dated before the divorce was final.

[Minx7282]

Literally happened to me yesterday. I went fucking off at him. Especially because I asked for important details. He just assumed I would be cool with it. When I told him I'm not. He basically was trying to make no big deal about it. I told him I'm not some side piecewhore that you can fuck with. He only replied with ugh 🤦‍♂️
Blocked his ass and haven't regretted it.

[Harleigh90]

This is tough because sometimes it isn't that easy to file for a divorce, it's expensive and draining. I dated a 'separated' man for 18 month's, we split because his past cough up with him and couldn't let go of the toxic relationship he left. But unfortunately he still couldn't financially afford child maintenance and the looming court proceedings.

It's obviously a conversation that you both need to have and whether you can forward.

[BCA6010]

They are legally separated? That's a bit iffy and circumstantial. If she had lied about or kept it a secret, it's a problem. If a divorce isn't imminent, then I'm not getting involved until it has passed.

I actually had a very similar scenario happen to me years ago, but the woman was pretty upfront about it early on and told me when the divorce was finalized. We didn't *really* do any earnest dating until then, and instead spent that time getting to know each other better.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

Honestly, it's a gamble. Since neither of them have filed for divorce, that's a pretty big red flag that neither of them really wants divorce and there's a high chance of them working it out, without you of course.

The one exception would be that the separation was recent, and in that case it's pretty much an unknown. Some people.. when it's over it's over. Others, not so much.

[CallMeDave]

I agree with you if they are able to file and haven't, but in many places there's a minimum required waiting time after separation before either party can file for divorce. From what I've heard that can range from 6 months to a year to even 2 years. So there could well be people that are very intent on getting divorced and have no interest in getting back together that haven't filed for divorce yet only because they're not legally able to. In those cases, if it seems pretty clear that they intend to file when they are allowed to, then I think it's fine to date them and not any more of a gamble than dating someone that's single.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

@CallMeDave I can agree with that.

[HawkPerception]

It wouldn't sit right with me. Knowing the person you're dating is officially married to someone would make you feel like they're still somewhat committed to that person in some form or way. It also reminds you of that part of their life constantly. I'd take my leave.

[Miristheiss]

Clarify?

They say they are divorcing their wife... the paperwork and court date are still pending but they are separated and free to date others... it is still just awaiting the legal finality... or they are actually married, they never told you they have a wife and you are a home wrecker?

[beebella]

I specified that neither of them have actually filed for divorce.

[Miristheiss]

So, if I didn't know... and this person is basically cheating on their spouse... I'd end things and tell their spouse what they were doing.

[MannMitAntworten]

This has happened more than once. Each time I told them. “As long as you are married this relationship is going nowhere.


Three effing times women I had been seeing lied about being divorced. Two it turned out were still living with their damn husbands. One was just living a separate life from her husband. He had a live in girlfriend and she was casually dating which I numbered on the casual side till learning she was still married.

[Anonymous]

Where I am, you need to be separated for a couple of years before divorce. It feels like no man's land because you're not in a relationship and not divorced. Potential mates understandably treat you with suspicion and some of the dating sites will not even entertain you.
Having them as a play mate is fine but for anything more, you need to tread very carefully. They may ultimately decide their old playmate is a bigger pull.

[menina]

I would break up with him. He could be lying to me and telling me that he wasn't with his wife anymore and that he wanted to be with me. But then he could be happy with her while he was also dating me.