Should I send this letter to my ex?

Question

I’ve been thinking about writing this closure letter to Devon. Should I send it? I feel wrong for leading him on and pushing him away. I don’t want to get back together, but I also feel like a jerk.

Dear Devon,
It saddens me deeply every time I think about the past couple weeks. I am extremely sorry. I know that sorry is not enough for this situation. I have been thinking a lot about what I have done and how I acted. I drug you along for months and it was very selfish of me and unfair to you. I hope you know that our friendship has been the best experience that has happened this year. You were a friend that was always there, through thick and thin. I’ve always admired that quality about you. You were very determined. I understand your reason to never see me again because you did not feel the friendship was equal. I could come up with reasons for that for hours, but I will save your time and say that I was too immature to handle it right. I want to have closure; not the closure we had the last time we spoke. I am sorry for every action that hurt your. I am sorry for not working hard on nurturing our friendship like I did. I am also sorry for not being the friend you deserved. It breaks my heart that our last few words to each other were the words they were. I hope you can forgive me.

ConnorJHutton531 · Accepted Answer

So this might not be that bad of a letter to send, but it needs a bit of touching up. How it reads now, it kind of looks like you may have a part of you that wants to get back together with him. You don’t have to change what you have here ~ too much. What you should do is add to this to make it clear that you don’t want to get back together.
The praise, share, praise rule is recommended in office settings where you need to give feedback to fellow coworkers - but it is also useful in other social settings where you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Maybe you don’t want to use office lingo, but in theory, it makes perfect sense! To bring someone up a bit (like you have already done here) is the first step, then you share what you think they did wrong (maybe a bit of what you did wrong in this case), and then you praise: bring them up so you don’t hurt their feelings or they get mad at you (in this case you could also work in the reasons why you don’t want to be together with him but also how it would benefit both your lives - maybe; it’s what I would do).
So use that rule and you’ll spare his feelings and you can also be able to make it clear that you don’t want to see him at the same time - just make sure you add the latter in. 👍
Here are a few videos that may help. The first one is the first video that came to mind; it may be long but it really helps. The other two may be good too:

Interstate · Accepted Answer

Hannah... hon... YOU ARE WAYYY OVERTHINKING THIS!!! You should just let bygones be bygones and move on. What is done is done, and what has been said was said. Compared to what he put you through, you are nowhere near the jerk HE is. If anything, he should be writing YOU an apology letter for his harmful actions. "You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again" --Frank Sinatra. Go out with the Doctor, enjoy your time and see where it goes. Devon is now A THING OF YOUR PAST. You need to come to terms with that, accept it and keep moving. Otherwise, you will be forever obsessing over your last interactions with him, and inevitably it will begin to interfere with future relationships.

But when I stop and think about it... he claims to have changed. And you had told him you wouldn't reconsider unless he proved himself. It isn't as though he "changed and proved", and you just up and disappeared. Unless there is an element in this I am forgetting, I had advised you to inform him he needs to follow through with his transitions for a number of months to show he is serious about cleaning up his act; And you supported the thought. But you decided that you felt it would be best after reconsidering, to just part ways.

So unless you stated your terms to him with the intention of bolting in the long run anyway, I don't see how you led him on. You made your decision, stick with it, TEAR UP THE LETTER and move on with life!!! 😁

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

This letter is meaningful and genuine. If you want to make things right with him (get together or be his friend again), then you can send this. If he made it clear that he wants nothing to do with you, then give him some space. Time can heal almost anything. Give him some time to heal and then maybe send this.

You seem to regret your actions a lot, hope you and him work things out. Loads of love <3

DizzyDesii · Accepted Answer

I wouldn't recommend a letter. My ex friend sent me some 3 page letter bullshit similar to he above and i skimmed the first page and a half then threw it away. Trash.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

There are three potential reasons to send a letter like this:

1. How it makes you feel.
2. How it might make him feel.
3. How it might impact any future relationship between you two.

Obviously, you have some feelings of guilt that you would like to expiate and sending this letter might help to relieve that burden in you.

How do you think this will make him feel? Will it help him to let go? Does he really need this closure in the same way that you do?

Will this letter offer him encouragement to think that he still holds a warm place in your heart? Will he think that there is some hope for an eventual reconciliation? If so, will that encourage his recent stalking behavior?

Anonymous · Answer

I think bottom line it depends on you. There's points both ways. What I would say for sure though, if you do decide to send it, don't expect anything in return because you don't know how he'll react to it. So, what I'd do is ask yourself (try to predict), how will I feel if that happens? Are you wanting some kind of response or acknowledgment? You may or may not get it and are you ok with either?

Personally, I would like getting a letter if it were me. But some guys may not care at all. He may or may not even read it? So you need to not only understand that, but really be "ok" with it. Maybe just writing it is enough for you to work through your feelings? Or, maybe you do need to send it for that "closure"? Just some food for thought. In general I feel people don't communicate enough with each other, and if I were him and you treated me this way, I might be upset, but I'd also like knowing how you felt and that you had some regrets over it. However like I say, for some guys they won't care at all. So yeah, I'm repeating myself but do what you feel you need to do. Just make sure that you are going to be "ok" either way, no matter how he might react to it, or not react. Also you are potentially opening up that door of communication with him again (or he could see it that way), and do you want that? People interpret things differently as well.

DJB72 · Answer

He's been trying to control you. You asked him to back off and his response was to start stalking you.

That's abusive behaviour 101.

You owe him nothing. The letter will be something he twists into you saying you want him back.

Stick to the restraining order and see if there's a way they can prevent him going to specific places you go to relax.

He's gotten inside your head too much already. Someone with a genuinely good heart doesn't need you to say it with a legal document when you say you're not dating. He's bad news.

Don't send the letter. Don't call. Block every avenue to him contacting you. He's emotionally abusive and manipulative.

You. Deserve. Better.

ohshee · Answer

It's from your Heart, but I'm not sure I would send it right now especially if you got a restraining order there should be no contacts stipulation in in the restraining order I think I would let it go for a while. If you have a restraining order and then you send that to him then opens up the door again if you break the rules that the restraining order and he's going to break the rules on a restraining order.
He's probably kind of calm down a little bit right now and if you send that to him it's just going to piss him off even more

Finchie40 · Answer

You owe him nothing , you are best to not send anything and stand your ground , He didn’t hear you the first time when you told him you wanted to see other people , so what makes you think he will hear you this time around? He has issues and you are best to just stay away from him , , Also, did you file a restraining order on him? If so then definitely don’t send him a letter he can use that against you, He already showed his true colors by stalking you , so you are best to just let it go and move on , You don’t owe him nothing

RealMarek · Answer

Were you really leading him on for months, or did you learn over the course of time that you and Devon were not compatible? He seemed controlling and immature.

Whatever mistakes you did or did not make, you also need to consider that he began stalking you after you broke up with him. Sending a letter to a man who exhibited this behavior could encourage more obsessive behavior. Also, it could legally undermine your effort to get a restraining order (if you have followed through on it) or might violate a restraining order if one has been issued by a court. You need to be very careful if the legal system is involved.

Given the stalking and how high emotions are after a break-up, is probably best to not send the letter.

AydenHazor · Answer

Don't send the letter. You talk about the friendship that you miss, but he was never truly a friend. He was in it only because he was attracted to you and when he couldn't have you he couldn't handle it. That's not friendship, that's predatory at best and most likely a precursor to abusive behavior if you'd stuck around. I know you miss the pretense he made at friendship and rush that it was real and you still had it, but he was never a friend and you do not want that in your life. You deserve better and should have no guilt whatsoever in seeking it

Jake99999 · Answer

It’s a heartfelt letter of apology. It helps you feel better than the way you ended it previously. I don’t see the harm in sending it. But it’s probably not going to make him feel any better. I am assuming he wanted to be in a romantic relationship and it’s not happening? If so that letter does not help him at all. I think it mostly makes you feel better.

Floppy2112 · Answer

NO! I didn't have to go past the first line. You have nothing to apologize for and you are going to make him believe there is a chance. Plus you will violate your own restraining order, presuming you got it. You cannot contact him or the order will be null and void. Just leave it alone and move on.

It's done. You don't owe him anything and the best thing you can do is leave it alone. Time will heal. All you will do with that letter and add oxygen to a fire that needs to go out.

MysticDevice · Answer

Sounds pretty sincere. I'd send it to him and then leave it at that. Then start moving on from it.

I hate to make it sound like I'm down playing it but to me it seems like it just a relationship that went sour. It happens a lot. There are far worse things going on in the world.

I do hope you find someone to be happy with though.

RasberrySlushPuppy · Answer

don't send that letter, closure is not needed. He'll use it against you post it all over social media damage your reputation etc. As he said he doesn't want to see you again, he's made his feelings clear. So move on. by the way you didn't lead him on, he's abusive and guilt tripped you.

nawtee_me · Answer

I know your heart is in the right place and the letter is from your heart. However, would this be something else that might lead him on once again? Not your intention I know but might he take it the wrong way? Might he see it as the chance to start over with you? Also, if there is a restraining order will this violate it or give him reason to violate it? Having contact with you...

JustinTimberlegs · Answer

If you do send it, do it for him and not for you. If I felt like they were doing it to make themselves feel better I would be mad, but if I felt it was genuine I would appreciate it.

kyleelyn199723 · Answer

I think it is very meaningful and maybe you can send it to him. Just be prepared to maybe not get a nice response or no response at all. He doesn’t owe you one.

Anonymous · Answer

Don’t. You don’t owe him anything. It’s not like he was a good person anyways, why did you even bother writing that letter for him, let alone WASTING YOUR TIME with this toxic person who’s possessive and insecure? Throw away the letter and just move on. Let him deal with his own problem.

Cozybcuz · Answer

I don't know, I wouldn't seems kinda selfish if the person has stated that they do not want hear from you. I'd just follow and accept that.

Mehzmeh · Answer

Nice letter. But don't send it!! Because he will think you want to get back together. And it will get worse. Also, if you have a restraining order against him. That will automatically go away. And he can stalk you all over again.

Fireguy17 · Answer

while a letter can be easier, face to face is probably better, but way harder but it is the right thing to do. Good luck!

bowenw · Answer

I don't think what happened was your your fault and don't believe there is a need to apologize. Having said that, you know him well and what's best.

Andres77 · Answer

Forgive you? He sounds like a dick. I'd just cut and run.

Should I send this letter to my ex?

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