Interesting question. Yes, is it something that would be good for you, ultimately - to push yourself to become more secure (you're right, bartenders do have a reputation and he meets women almost every night who are feeling good, loose, and may be flirting with him just for fun), or is it simply putting yourself into a position of anxiety that really isn't worth all the trouble.
The thing about insecurity (unfounded by the actions of the other) is that it will always find a way through, to the forefront. You don't become a more secure, confident, person by removing all opportunities for others to betray you. You can't, you see. People are people. And opportunities will arise. One of the challenges of being a human is to fight these animal impulses and stay loyal, despite how circumstances change. We make choices to commit to one another.
The key to this (whether it's in this relationship or another) is to tell yourself, remind yourself, "He chose me." He chose to be with you, and he must continue to make the choice that he wants you, no matter what comes his way. And you do the same. That's how relationships work.
And, in fact, the more opportunities he has, the more women show interest in him, the greater you can feel about yourself, because he is with you, not them. That feeling can be empowering. That is what you must tap into, in yourself.
Most Helpful Opinions
Ok so let me give you peace of mind..
1 if he want to do something with someone else he's going to
Right except it. Is that true. Yes. Ok now that you know this let it go. You didn't get in a relationship do you have to think about losing it you got into it because you want it so let it happen and quit destroying and yourself and then eventually you're going to have him stressed out and he's going to say see you goodbye this is too much drama for me correct
So accept it there's nothing you can do about it until you find out live your life live your relationship love your relationship the best way possible don't destroy it it's a 50/50 deal you do your part he will do his part. If you do not trust him why are you with him you can't have it both ways either you do or you don't if you clear it from your mind and being that happy moment each and every day I guarantee you if something was ever to happen you will know it the minute you look into his eyes you won't have to ask him nothing you will know it so live in the happy moment quit destroying something before you even start it if you keep doing what you're doing I guarantee this won't last another month you will hate each other because of your insecurities have you cheated before why do you feel that way why do you feel that he's going to because it's a bar alcohol and girls what's the big deal he's with you if he's not man enough to be with you go find another man just don't do the same thing twice
I would say it is a ridiculous reason to break it off with somebody. But if anything, it sounds as though you have trust issues in general. But you have also mentioned you are very insecure. That can be very interfering in a relationship, and that is something you need to work on if you want this thing to last. There is nothing wrong with Counseling to work out your issues. A Counselor will be able to help you get to the bottom of your trust issues, as well as your insecurities. People shouldn't pursue relationships unless they care completely open, and aren't undergoing anything that can cause doubt, jealousy or trust-lacking.
I agree with the comments saying that someone will cheat if they want to cheat, regardless of their occupation. You need to develop trust in your partner or your relationship is doomed to fail. in my opinion, there's no point in being in a relationship with someone you don't trust or have good reason to think would cheat on you. If he hasn't given you any reason to believe he would cheat on you, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that is what will happen. I think you should work on your insecurities, as they will destroy any relationship you have if you don't. Also, remember, it takes two to tango. No one can "steal" your boyfriend; he has to willingly cheat. Do you trust him to turn down anyone who makes a pass at him?
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
79Opinion
YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR PARTNER
explain what you’ve explained here to him
because you need the reassurance and he needs to be aware of your feelings
you shouldn’t judgement a job role with possibilities of cheating
would you prefer a lap dog not a boyfriend? Be proud of him for getting a job and stop focusing on what ifs
embrace the now and enjoy your time with him.
make him happy to come home to you and show him that he makes you happy
because if you think like this you will be your own worst enemy and you will sabotage everything. I’d advise you to simply focus on yourself
get a hobby
go out with your friends
read a book
keep your mind away from what ifs and just be happy with yourself and do things for you
you are a team after all so work together and build each other up
you got this 💪💪If you don't trust someone, don't be with them.
My advice, break up and stay single, work through these insecurities/trust issues before getting into another relationship so that you're entering it with a healthy mindset. It's great you've realized that how you feel isn't healthy and while feeling like this, the relationship probably won't be either.
If my boyfriend got a job as a bartender, I know I wouldn't have anything to worry about - So I do think your trust issues run deeper than just his job, for example - Would you trust him to go on a night out with friends? Without you? - Do/would you trust him to have women as best friends? etcYou could alternatively work on your insecurities. If he is cheating you will catch him out, it’s not an easy thing to hide. You will notice little changes in his behaviour outside of work hours. I wouldn’t worry about him cheating whilst he’s at work. I’m sure your insecurities are about who he may meet there and who he may be tempted by, he would have to see them out of work hours though and it sounds like you would pick up on this. If you can’t get past your fears of something happening you’ll have to free yourself and break up with him as you will be a miserable mess. I am wondering what his character is like, is he the type to give in to temptation and cheat? If you think he is like this then he is no good for you. You should be with someone who you feel safe and secure with.
Well as long as your honest with yourself that its more about you insecurities than him. You should strive to be the best version of yourself at all times and take some time to serious do some self reflection. In the long run I think it would be best that you come to terms with your emotional insecurities about yourself because it will probably negatively affect your future relationships with me.
But if you are not happy in a relationship I would always recommend that you end it before hurting yourself an more importantly hurting anyone else. And always trust your instincts.You'll definitely regret it, but I can't say you shouldn't do it.
Maybe he cheats on you months from now.
Maybe he's loyal and you treat him as if he's cheating and you do some shit out of insecurity.
Maybe he's loyal but dumps you because of how you treat him.
Can't say for sure. What I can say is the only decisions you regret are the ones made in fear. If you're so insecure this might happen and end it. You'd be doing so 100% out of fear and regret it.
Maybe years later you'll stop regretting it. But you will have that regretthat's a toughie...
seems to me the value in this is you growing out of your insecurities, discovering why they are, healing that and being confident in yourself.
Then you can work on ways build security with him, talk to him about it and see where that goes. he may bail or he may stay, or maybe you come up with ideas that help.
This is all a lot of work and pain... emotional pain. If you don't have the time and energy, then yea, move on, maybe find a nice farmer and raise some cattle in wyoming? But anyone can cheat anymore anytime, this is a socially messed up environment like a crazy doctor with one of those "knee mallots" that whacks every patient. It's not good. You both have to manage the emotional security in the relationship in a corrupt environment.
where do you work to be away from females anymore? this was a downfall in the liberation of women.Partners who want to cheat will cheat not matter what for job they have. Opportunities to cheat has everyone. You should maybe focus more on his personality and your reaction if he cheats.
Is he a person who will cheat? If he cheats, an I consequent enough to end it without any remorse? If he cheats, will this be my fault or his?
Behave and act optimistic, but you should be always prepared for the worst. Your insecurity doesn't come from fear that something could happen, but if it happens you have no plan what to do.Well, first let me this, and not trying to be an asshole but I have to ask: are you feeling like breaking up with him because you're really worried about him cheating? Or is that a cover for you possibly just not wanting to be in a relationship with a man with that kind of job?
If you are feeling that way because of your anxieties about him cheating, I would say not to worry about it too much, because plenty of men are working jobs that are nothing like his and they still cheat on their gfs/wives. Literal men in suits who work office jobs, government jobs, IT, legal, etc. who their wives would not think are cheating, are very well doing it. With receptionists, paralegals, and even prostitutes.
So I would say don't feel so concerned about that just because he works in an environment where hookups and sexual activity are commonly generated. It doesn't necessarily mean it will be the case with him."communicate" is important.. so if you both have free time at the same time, pls talk to him about your "anxiety and insecurities".
if he understands you but he still wants to be a bartender, i think he will find a way how to stay with you and earn your trust.
but if he doesn't understand you, or... he does but you still don't feel right. maybe you really should let him go for your own good.
but it depends on you again, i hope the best for you and wish you well 🙂My answer is two-fold:
First, you have this anxiety because somewhere deep down you have trust issues. That is a YOU issue, not a HIM issue. Regardless of if you stay together or not, you NEED to work your issues out if you are to ever have a true and loving relationship.
It is shallow to leave someone just because of their job. However, if it causes you that much anxiety and he will not give it up, maybe you two are not compatible and you need to find someone who is.
Second, reassess your OVERALL relationship. Is this the only major issue (you will have some issues, but most are minor)?You mentioned everything yourself they are your issues and even though you break up and get a new guy you will find some reason to breakup.
I would say face your insecurities as much as possible then see how it goes bc you will never know untill you try.
Why waste time insearch of new guy? When everything is normal and you as of now have no reason to do anything bc the things you are imagining right now are in yo mind and not reality.
You can't live your life like this in if and but's
You learn you grow you keep moving
If he is abusive or mistreats you now that would be something to break up.
Take time and thinkI married a bar man needless to say he would come home at 5 am every morning. All good and well but the bar closed at 11pm……. So I was home with the kids while he was doing god knows what until then. I never found out either. Never had a good wage either. At least if they’re going to cheat you need not be stuck at home trying to scrape enough money together to survive.
I know that sounds negative and it’s purely my experience but I think you need to break up with this guy regardless because if he is cheating you don’t want to be there and if he isn’t cheating you still have some you work to do on trust and insecuritiesWell you know the real problem in that it's your issues, and you'll have them with anyone you date, so you have to "fix" the real issue. Now I don't know what exactly that will involve for you, maybe therapy? I think you have to figure out first what causes those insecurities and lack of trust, and then work on that. And this process could take time, so depending on that, you might have to stay single for some time until you "fix" it, or, talk to him and explain this. That you have these issues, but are going to try to work on them and fix it. And it'll be up to him if he sticks around for that or not.
This has nothing to do with his job. You'll be like this no matter what job the guy has. You'll just find another excuse if you begin a new relationship with a guy. You're clearly not ready for a relationship right now. I know this because I was the same way many years ago. My insecurities were way out of control so I made up all these excuses to be jealous or suspicious in regards to my relationships. So, I remained single until I matured enough to not do that anymore.
Here's the thing... if you're going to let YOUR insecurities RULE your life you shouldn't be in ANY relationship. You need to figure out how to trust enough to let a relationship just BE and have some faith.
However, if you're NOT resigned to letting insecurities rule your life, then you should grow up, act like an adult, and talk to him. No relationship can grow if you don't seek solutions together. This is not just YOUR issue because it affects your relationship and, therefore, affects him, too. YOU have the problem, but there is no reason to act like a child and pretend like you're all alone.Go with your gut. It will be right 90% of the time. Sounds like you aren't enjoying yourself or may not trust him fully. Bartenders talk to a lot of women so of course jealousy and suspicion go along with the job the same as husbands of strippers. If you think normal people cheat the odds are even greater with people in certain professions.
Is it specifically the bar scene or is it the hours?
Waiters, firefighters, electricians, real estate agents, doctors, paramedics, heck even event workers etc all work weird hours and can easily pick up another 'all night or late night' shift.
I say cut him loose because you aren't happy. No need to also make him unhappy. Tons of people can date a bartender. It often helps if you're in Industry though.Seems your main issue is lack of self-confidence in yourself and lack of trust in your man. That's more than "your issues, not his". Have a frank discussion with him... tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. Communication in a relationship is paramount.
Can't you talk to him about it, that it isn't his issues that it is yours. At least if you talk to him about it, he may be able to try and say or do something to help you feel better about it.
If you do give up, you may regret it and how hard will it be to find someone else or will you want to be single?It's a difficult one. I've worked in the night life industry and I know how sleazy the people can be. You need to talk to him about how your feeling. If he's a good one he'll be too focused on his job to cheat and will probs end up being fired if he acts sleazy in the end it only takes one complaint and there out because bartenders are easily replaced. Plus drunk people are never attractive
Learn more