Should I breakup just because he’s a bartender?

Question

I’m in a relationship with a man who has just become a bartender. I can’t sleep at night when he’s working. My anxiety, my insecurities, my expectation to be cheated on are at an all time high. I know it will sound pathetic but I don’t think I can stay with him, purely because of his job. I’m too insecure. Do you think I’ll regret giving up or do you think it’s wise to give me some peace? I haven’t stressed these concerns to him because I know they are my issues, no his.

ohshee · Accepted Answer

Ok so let me give you peace of mind..
1 if he want to do something with someone else he's going to
Right except it. Is that true. Yes. Ok now that you know this let it go. You didn't get in a relationship do you have to think about losing it you got into it because you want it so let it happen and quit destroying and yourself and then eventually you're going to have him stressed out and he's going to say see you goodbye this is too much drama for me correct
So accept it there's nothing you can do about it until you find out live your life live your relationship love your relationship the best way possible don't destroy it it's a 50/50 deal you do your part he will do his part. If you do not trust him why are you with him you can't have it both ways either you do or you don't if you clear it from your mind and being that happy moment each and every day I guarantee you if something was ever to happen you will know it the minute you look into his eyes you won't have to ask him nothing you will know it so live in the happy moment quit destroying something before you even start it if you keep doing what you're doing I guarantee this won't last another month you will hate each other because of your insecurities have you cheated before why do you feel that way why do you feel that he's going to because it's a bar alcohol and girls what's the big deal he's with you if he's not man enough to be with you go find another man just don't do the same thing twice

Interstate · Accepted Answer

I would say it is a ridiculous reason to break it off with somebody. But if anything, it sounds as though you have trust issues in general. But you have also mentioned you are very insecure. That can be very interfering in a relationship, and that is something you need to work on if you want this thing to last. There is nothing wrong with Counseling to work out your issues. A Counselor will be able to help you get to the bottom of your trust issues, as well as your insecurities. People shouldn't pursue relationships unless they care completely open, and aren't undergoing anything that can cause doubt, jealousy or trust-lacking.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Interesting question. Yes, is it something that would be good for you, ultimately - to push yourself to become more secure (you're right, bartenders do have a reputation and he meets women almost every night who are feeling good, loose, and may be flirting with him just for fun), or is it simply putting yourself into a position of anxiety that really isn't worth all the trouble.

The thing about insecurity (unfounded by the actions of the other) is that it will always find a way through, to the forefront. You don't become a more secure, confident, person by removing all opportunities for others to betray you. You can't, you see. People are people. And opportunities will arise. One of the challenges of being a human is to fight these animal impulses and stay loyal, despite how circumstances change. We make choices to commit to one another.

The key to this (whether it's in this relationship or another) is to tell yourself, remind yourself, "He chose me." He chose to be with you, and he must continue to make the choice that he wants you, no matter what comes his way. And you do the same. That's how relationships work.
And, in fact, the more opportunities he has, the more women show interest in him, the greater you can feel about yourself, because he is with you, not them. That feeling can be empowering. That is what you must tap into, in yourself.

aWes0MeNeSs · Accepted Answer

I agree with the comments saying that someone will cheat if they want to cheat, regardless of their occupation. You need to develop trust in your partner or your relationship is doomed to fail. in my opinion, there's no point in being in a relationship with someone you don't trust or have good reason to think would cheat on you. If he hasn't given you any reason to believe he would cheat on you, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that is what will happen. I think you should work on your insecurities, as they will destroy any relationship you have if you don't. Also, remember, it takes two to tango. No one can "steal" your boyfriend; he has to willingly cheat. Do you trust him to turn down anyone who makes a pass at him?

Tylerstarkey · Answer

YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR PARTNER
explain what you’ve explained here to him
because you need the reassurance and he needs to be aware of your feelings
you shouldn’t judgement a job role with possibilities of cheating

would you prefer a lap dog not a boyfriend? Be proud of him for getting a job and stop focusing on what ifs
embrace the now and enjoy your time with him.
make him happy to come home to you and show him that he makes you happy

because if you think like this you will be your own worst enemy and you will sabotage everything. I’d advise you to simply focus on yourself
get a hobby
go out with your friends
read a book
keep your mind away from what ifs and just be happy with yourself and do things for you

you are a team after all so work together and build each other up

you got this 💪💪

ItsyBitsySpider · Answer

If you don't trust someone, don't be with them.

My advice, break up and stay single, work through these insecurities/trust issues before getting into another relationship so that you're entering it with a healthy mindset. It's great you've realized that how you feel isn't healthy and while feeling like this, the relationship probably won't be either.

If my boyfriend got a job as a bartender, I know I wouldn't have anything to worry about - So I do think your trust issues run deeper than just his job, for example - Would you trust him to go on a night out with friends? Without you? - Do/would you trust him to have women as best friends? etc

Cleo12345 · Answer

You could alternatively work on your insecurities. If he is cheating you will catch him out, it’s not an easy thing to hide. You will notice little changes in his behaviour outside of work hours. I wouldn’t worry about him cheating whilst he’s at work. I’m sure your insecurities are about who he may meet there and who he may be tempted by, he would have to see them out of work hours though and it sounds like you would pick up on this. If you can’t get past your fears of something happening you’ll have to free yourself and break up with him as you will be a miserable mess. I am wondering what his character is like, is he the type to give in to temptation and cheat? If you think he is like this then he is no good for you. You should be with someone who you feel safe and secure with.

DaveJord · Answer

Well as long as your honest with yourself that its more about you insecurities than him. You should strive to be the best version of yourself at all times and take some time to serious do some self reflection. In the long run I think it would be best that you come to terms with your emotional insecurities about yourself because it will probably negatively affect your future relationships with me.

But if you are not happy in a relationship I would always recommend that you end it before hurting yourself an more importantly hurting anyone else. And always trust your instincts.

ManOnFire · Answer

Well, first let me this, and not trying to be an asshole but I have to ask: are you feeling like breaking up with him because you're really worried about him cheating? Or is that a cover for you possibly just not wanting to be in a relationship with a man with that kind of job?

If you are feeling that way because of your anxieties about him cheating, I would say not to worry about it too much, because plenty of men are working jobs that are nothing like his and they still cheat on their gfs/wives. Literal men in suits who work office jobs, government jobs, IT, legal, etc. who their wives would not think are cheating, are very well doing it. With receptionists, paralegals, and even prostitutes.

So I would say don't feel so concerned about that just because he works in an environment where hookups and sexual activity are commonly generated. It doesn't necessarily mean it will be the case with him.

Diodoro · Answer

You'll definitely regret it, but I can't say you shouldn't do it.

Maybe he cheats on you months from now.
Maybe he's loyal and you treat him as if he's cheating and you do some shit out of insecurity.
Maybe he's loyal but dumps you because of how you treat him.

Can't say for sure. What I can say is the only decisions you regret are the ones made in fear. If you're so insecure this might happen and end it. You'd be doing so 100% out of fear and regret it.

Maybe years later you'll stop regretting it. But you will have that regret

lightbulb27 · Answer

that's a toughie...
seems to me the value in this is you growing out of your insecurities, discovering why they are, healing that and being confident in yourself.

Then you can work on ways build security with him, talk to him about it and see where that goes. he may bail or he may stay, or maybe you come up with ideas that help.

This is all a lot of work and pain... emotional pain. If you don't have the time and energy, then yea, move on, maybe find a nice farmer and raise some cattle in wyoming? But anyone can cheat anymore anytime, this is a socially messed up environment like a crazy doctor with one of those "knee mallots" that whacks every patient. It's not good. You both have to manage the emotional security in the relationship in a corrupt environment.

where do you work to be away from females anymore? this was a downfall in the liberation of women.

FreyaRed · Answer

Partners who want to cheat will cheat not matter what for job they have. Opportunities to cheat has everyone. You should maybe focus more on his personality and your reaction if he cheats.
Is he a person who will cheat? If he cheats, an I consequent enough to end it without any remorse? If he cheats, will this be my fault or his?
Behave and act optimistic, but you should be always prepared for the worst. Your insecurity doesn't come from fear that something could happen, but if it happens you have no plan what to do.

lilaccc · Answer

"communicate" is important.. so if you both have free time at the same time, pls talk to him about your "anxiety and insecurities".
if he understands you but he still wants to be a bartender, i think he will find a way how to stay with you and earn your trust.
but if he doesn't understand you, or... he does but you still don't feel right. maybe you really should let him go for your own good.

but it depends on you again, i hope the best for you and wish you well 🙂

libsaretards · Answer

My answer is two-fold:

First, you have this anxiety because somewhere deep down you have trust issues. That is a YOU issue, not a HIM issue. Regardless of if you stay together or not, you NEED to work your issues out if you are to ever have a true and loving relationship.
It is shallow to leave someone just because of their job. However, if it causes you that much anxiety and he will not give it up, maybe you two are not compatible and you need to find someone who is.

Second, reassess your OVERALL relationship. Is this the only major issue (you will have some issues, but most are minor)?

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

You mentioned everything yourself they are your issues and even though you break up and get a new guy you will find some reason to breakup.

I would say face your insecurities as much as possible then see how it goes bc you will never know untill you try.

Why waste time insearch of new guy? When everything is normal and you as of now have no reason to do anything bc the things you are imagining right now are in yo mind and not reality.

You can't live your life like this in if and but's

You learn you grow you keep moving
If he is abusive or mistreats you now that would be something to break up.

Take time and think

Anonymous · Answer

I married a bar man needless to say he would come home at 5 am every morning. All good and well but the bar closed at 11pm……. So I was home with the kids while he was doing god knows what until then. I never found out either. Never had a good wage either. At least if they’re going to cheat you need not be stuck at home trying to scrape enough money together to survive.

I know that sounds negative and it’s purely my experience but I think you need to break up with this guy regardless because if he is cheating you don’t want to be there and if he isn’t cheating you still have some you work to do on trust and insecurities

Anonymous · Answer

Here's the thing... if you're going to let YOUR insecurities RULE your life you shouldn't be in ANY relationship. You need to figure out how to trust enough to let a relationship just BE and have some faith.

However, if you're NOT resigned to letting insecurities rule your life, then you should grow up, act like an adult, and talk to him. No relationship can grow if you don't seek solutions together. This is not just YOUR issue because it affects your relationship and, therefore, affects him, too. YOU have the problem, but there is no reason to act like a child and pretend like you're all alone.

Anonymous · Answer

Well you know the real problem in that it's your issues, and you'll have them with anyone you date, so you have to "fix" the real issue. Now I don't know what exactly that will involve for you, maybe therapy? I think you have to figure out first what causes those insecurities and lack of trust, and then work on that. And this process could take time, so depending on that, you might have to stay single for some time until you "fix" it, or, talk to him and explain this. That you have these issues, but are going to try to work on them and fix it. And it'll be up to him if he sticks around for that or not.

Wraith_Cemetery · Answer

This has nothing to do with his job. You'll be like this no matter what job the guy has. You'll just find another excuse if you begin a new relationship with a guy. You're clearly not ready for a relationship right now. I know this because I was the same way many years ago. My insecurities were way out of control so I made up all these excuses to be jealous or suspicious in regards to my relationships. So, I remained single until I matured enough to not do that anymore.

Daniela1982 · Answer

Go with your gut. It will be right 90% of the time. Sounds like you aren't enjoying yourself or may not trust him fully. Bartenders talk to a lot of women so of course jealousy and suspicion go along with the job the same as husbands of strippers. If you think normal people cheat the odds are even greater with people in certain professions.

Xoxocutekitty · Answer

Is it specifically the bar scene or is it the hours?

Waiters, firefighters, electricians, real estate agents, doctors, paramedics, heck even event workers etc all work weird hours and can easily pick up another 'all night or late night' shift.

I say cut him loose because you aren't happy. No need to also make him unhappy. Tons of people can date a bartender. It often helps if you're in Industry though.

AviatorTom · Answer

Seems your main issue is lack of self-confidence in yourself and lack of trust in your man. That's more than "your issues, not his". Have a frank discussion with him... tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. Communication in a relationship is paramount.

Jasmine-Darkfire · Answer

Can't you talk to him about it, that it isn't his issues that it is yours. At least if you talk to him about it, he may be able to try and say or do something to help you feel better about it.

If you do give up, you may regret it and how hard will it be to find someone else or will you want to be single?

Puppystarfish23 · Answer

It's a difficult one. I've worked in the night life industry and I know how sleazy the people can be. You need to talk to him about how your feeling. If he's a good one he'll be too focused on his job to cheat and will probs end up being fired if he acts sleazy in the end it only takes one complaint and there out because bartenders are easily replaced. Plus drunk people are never attractive

Seinna · Answer

I would for a different reason - we're about the same age and I'm thinking towards having a family. If I were 22 years old then sure, I can be with a bartender. But right now it just won't cut it. But the opportunity to cheat shouldn't be enough to make him do it, did he give you any reason to not trust him? Or is it your problem? If so you need to fix it or you're not ready for any relationship.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

Truth is, as long as things stay the same you're are going to be distraught at whichever decision you come to. You need to talk through your insecurities with either a level headed friend or a professional psychologist, and only THEN decide on what path to take.

Adam1978 · Answer

I guess it depends on your countries habits in that field. Here he would be working all the time until closing and then help with cleanup for the next day. Before being tired and going home. So he wouldn't have any chance to cheat except for coworkers and those he will have independent of proffession.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Answer

Not all bartenders are out there slamming ass every night haha, it's hard work and physically very tiring, he'd probably be too tired to cheat on you lol. If anything it's "easier" to have an affair as an office worker, because of the whole slow-burn effect of subtle sexual tension passed off as "just harmless banter".

Anonymous · Answer

So wait, you can't sleep at night when he's a WORK because you think he's going to be fucking other girls? At work? You think bartenders have time to fuck other girls while they're at their jobs working? In a room full of people who can see them at all times? And who are constantly trying to get their attention to. . . you know. . . work?

*rolls eyes*

Vegasrunner · Answer

I'm going to tell you what no one in this comments will. A man is only as faithful as his options and obviously a bartender is going to have options. You are not built to be w/ a man like that and are going to get destroyed emotionally if you dont breakup w/ him.

JustinTheGreat · Answer

I don’t see how being a bartender means someone’s a cheater? Lol
you’re being super insecure, if he hasn’t given you any other reason to be concerned about his loyalty than I think you should try to stay with him. Then again maybe you’re saving him the trouble by breaking up because he should be with someone who’s going to trust him

globetrotter22 · Answer

This is a you problem not a him problem.

If you have this outlook on people than you will always find reasons to break up with anyone. Also this paranoia has a way of backfiring on people.

I would sit down and calmly tell him you respect that he does what he needs to do for a living. Tell him you trust him but there is a part of you that feels paranoid. Politely ask him if there is a way he can put your mind at ease.

awkward_author · Answer

I think you need to seek professional help for your anxiety and insecurities. Regarding your boyfriend, whether or not you break up with him should depend on how much you trust him. If you really think he'll cheat, dump him and move on. However, if the relationship is going well, and these are just fears/anxieties/insecurities, it's a good idea to talk to him about it.

AdithyaR · Answer

Well the main problem doesn't seem to be his job but it's your trust issues. I'd say you need time to work on yourself and get therapy.
If you need to breakup for that, that might be healthier. Just don't make him feel his job was the reason when it's really not. Don't make him feel bad for something he can't really control.

SenseiSeptred · Answer

That depends on what conparative social caste layer that you belong to even for here in America when applying the caste system from the modern and prior days of Japan. However remember this, to want is to sin, the more of the aspect of want that you have, the longer that you remain in the reincarnation cycle when the aim is to transfer out of it.

Surely · Answer

Since the two of you dated prior to him becoming a bar tender. I can’t say that you knew what he did before getting involved.
If his job really bothers you that much and you can’t sleep thinking about it. Not getting any sleep won’t make anything better between you two.
If you can’t get over it. Maybe you need to call it quits even though you may regret it in the future.

Lowiu · Answer

So you can always break up when you're uncomfortable but it also sound like you need serious help with your insecurity issues and the fact that you are in constant fear of your partner cheating.
Is he giving you any reason for that?

Anonymous · Answer

Seems to me you have 3 options if you want to keep your hair...

1. Leave him due to your own issue2. Get past it and trust himor3. Put in more effort to make sure he doesn't WANT to cheat... Make sure he wants to come straight home because he knows what's waiting for him is better than any drunk bimbo

Anonymous · Answer

I don’t date and won’t date kitchen workers, camp workers, night shifters, and other closely similar types. It’s not their fault, it’s my triggers and that’s fine. No harm no foul. But I’m busy with other immediate priorities in my real life and don’t have capacity to take on trying to be okay with being constantly triggered 😤

All I can genuinely say is just be aware of your triggers and work with that. Give yourself space to safely be able to take this on when you’re ready.

EaterPeter · Answer

You can, It's totally up to you. Lots of relationship problems can be solved by working on self. Hats off to you for acknowledging what you know about yourself. And it's not bad to have good exit strategy either. If I were you I would want to hang in there little longer in any tough situation to increase my resistance tolerance or you name it. Hence I would not want to become horrible person either.

Better_off_here · Answer

if you do not trust anyone you are dating it is a sign you need to figure out who you want and what you need from someone. you said it yourself you have issues, and until you are able to trust him or anyone you need to be alone and break up with him too. no need to obsess over what may be, life is too short.

acooke-13 · Answer

No you shouldn't break up with someone because of their job, however, I would suggest going to therapy and talking to your boyfriend about it for reassurance.

hi_it_is_me123 · Answer

I understand you. They tend to flirt with customers or get harrassed by the customers. I can't endure it. It is like dating a stripper for me and has nothing to do with being incesure. Sorry that we ain't cucks.

blackarchiteck · Answer

1 questions? Has he cheated on you before? If not then why worry. You can only control yourself not people. If he loves you then just continue to be the best version of you. If he one day decide to leave understand that's just life.

exitseven · Answer

This is all in your head. If he is a good and decent guy he will not cheat on you. If he is a cheater it does not matter what he does for a living. I dated a bartender for a while and guys were always hitting on her. She was not interested.

mribas · Answer

Well, I think I understand what you are saying, but if you feel that way, maybe there are major trust issues, and if there's no real trust in the relationship, that's never a good sign. Maybe you two should talk about it or at least share your insecurities with him, honesty is everything.

pleasestopthis · Answer

I think you should get therapy before getting into a relationship with anyone. A guy who wants to cheat on you will do so regardless of his job.

Avicenna · Answer

Well, it's better to break up now than put him through all those insecurities

DizzyDesii · Answer

Bartenders talk a lot but i doubt he’ll cheat. Theyre too busy. If anything, he’ll flirt to get his tips. Thats normal, he just better not let me catch him doin it

Petermorgan34 · Answer

Don't be ridiculous. He's not going to cheat at work. He would likely get fired, and have no job. Don’t let your head get into your head, its a mistake we can all make.

Miristheiss · Answer

Yes, you two sound incompatible. It is ok to not date people who have jobs that are issues for you. He has one of those jobs so unless he is going to quit then you two should split up.

Elise888888 · Answer

It seems unreasonable of you. You will REGRET pushing guys away just because of small things about them. Its not a good idea to do.

Massageman · Answer

No- this isn't a problem with HIS occupation.
This is a problem concerning YOUR problems with everyday living!

Consider calling 1-800-A-FAMILY to talk to someone who can refer to a professional for some guidance.

Luckycharms12 · Answer

You do realise drunk people are annoying as fuck when you're sober. And worrying about it will not stop it happening which more than likely will not. What proves is you don't trust him

Staximus · Answer

You think if a guy had an office job, he can't cheat on you after work or on his lunch break? If the guy treats you good, you're dumb if you break up with him.

MJtheCoach · Answer

The guy is a moron to be dating you any girl that’s proudly states her own problems as Exide insecurities I will run for the hills the first second I would’ve met her! He’s a fkin loser!

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Do you think that he should break up with you if you were a bartender?

Anonymous · Answer

That's up to you. I work in the industry and a lot of my friends are bartenders and most of them are actually very wholesome but there are some who are questionable. It really depends on the person.

It's up to you whether or not you want to find out and continue to let your anxiety get to you.

DeeToPlay · Answer

You are sharing your insecurities with him and it will fit affect your situation one way or the other be careful and express this to him.

DeeDeeDeVour · Answer

It's not really about his job or him, in general.  You're simply paranoid & insecure.

Juxtapose · Answer

Christ you sound like a headache, just dump his ass.

Anonymous · Answer

You can't blame him for your trust issues. If you can't accept his job. You need to break up with him, but don't put the problem on him! You need someone professional who can help you with those issues.

SupremeWarlord · Answer

Yeah I understand that to a degree, I probably wouldn't marry if I was a soldier deployed overseas for a long period of time, who knows what my wife would be up to, that's tough.

VikingWarLord · Answer

it turns you on at the same time.  That's why you're dating him, you know hotter women are gonna want him.

Should I breakup just because he’s a bartender?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Should I breakup just because he’s a bartender?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.