Why do I feel so conflicted? What would be the best thing for me to do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has been physically abusive in the past, because of this I left many times but always came back. Now it’s like I rarely come around anymore. I make excuses and keep myself busy to stay away out of fear and to keep myself safe but then I feel bad. When I do come around, I’m always on guard because I never know what it is I can say or do to have him flip. He hasn’t touched me in months but like I said it has a lot to do with the fact I stay away more often than I use to. I feel like I owe him. I feel that I owe him to be the girlfriend who puts up with some “rough” times and accepts the good and bad. I just feel like me giving him yet another chance, rather I come around a lot or not, it would make me look like a bad guy to forgive him, start to come back around sometimes to just disappear on him and go ghost for the sake of getting myself better, healing and moving on from him. As I said, I just feel like I owe him something, when I know I don’t, but I feel that way. I feel like if I for once choose myself over him, get the help I need, stop jumping when he says jump and end things with him, I would hurt him but at the same time he’s hurt me plenty of times and a lot worse so why do I care about him being hurt over me doing the right thing for myself and leaving? Despite how I feel about him.

[Fireguy17]

you do not owe him anything.
you do not need to be treated like that.
it seems once an abuser it never changes, or for more than a little while.
He is playing on your guilt to keep you around, and his abuse may get worse in the future.
You need to break the cycle of abuse and leave for good and never look back or go back, or it will just continue.

[ChrisMaster69]

You have two options.

leave him and make him your ex.

or buy a spade and dig a hole in the garden.

make it a bit long then you and a bout 3 feet deep.

[Asker]

the fact that you’re a stranger, on a site, on the outside looking in and I didn’t describe what he’s done as far as abuse in detail and you still just pretty much said I’ll be dead if I stay without having to know every detail, makes me somewhat more aware of what I should do for the sake of my life despite how conflicted how I feel.

[PrettyPriya]

He should become your EX-boyfriend.

[Asker]

It would be easy for him to become that if I didn’t feel the way I described in the post. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. If I just stop responding to calls, texts and ghost him after I was once responding, telling him “I love you”, trying to make the best of the times we do spend together and he isn’t being violent with me, imagining a future where we are in a much better place in our relationship etc I hate the thought of what he would think of me if I were to just switch up on him and leave. I hate the thought of the things he would say about me to family and friends if I disappeared like that but as I said I shouldn’t care about any of that because it’s the best thing for me to do for the sake of my mental health/healing from the trauma he has put me through but yet here I am, worried about his feelings rather than doing what’s best for me.

[PrettyPriya]

Ok, so if any boyfriend ever physically abused me, it is over. There are no second chances. I don't care about how much we claimed we "loved" one another. Someone does not love someone and physically abuse them.

I hope you can see that. I'm sorry to be the one to say it, he doesn't love you. I don't care he says it. If he did love you, he would never treat you like that. You can take or leave my opinion.