Ex made out with a girl in front of me?

[Anonymous]

So me and my ex broke up back in February.
We met up the odd time but it was just him using me to hook up.
Last month he wanted to hook up with me again after not seeing each other for a month or so.
So he decided to get a hotel and obviously I just wanted to see him again so I agreed.
He made it clear to me that we weren’t getting back together and that he wanted baby steps which hurt me so much because I wanted to give it my all and prove to him I could be the best I could be but it made no odds that was my only option with him.
So we went to a night club and he was flirting with girls and next thing I’m watching and he’s talking to this girl she puts her Snapchat into his phone and there making out. I walked over and poked her in the back to stop and I just walked out and he want after me and it was like he didn’t care that he did to me he just shows no emotion like was that not wrong? I felt I should have been owed the biggest apology on earth but instead I feel like apologising to him but I shouldn’t because I did nothing wrong does that make sense why does he feel he can get away with everything and not show any emotion like?

[HollyK21]

Because he already told you he doesn’t want a relationship, and yet you settled for this situation. If there’s anyone to be mad at and owe the biggest apology, it is you to yourself. I am sure it hurt a lot seeing him acting as a single person, but you did not have to be there or put yourself through that. On a positive note, maybe it was good to see him do this so you can finally process that it’s over, and if he’s moving on the you should too. I think you deserve a lot more, and should just generally want more for yourself than to be that person in someone’s life.

[Asker]

But he told me he wanted baby steps with me I didn’t think he would do that to me. Like I met up with him a few times after that and he told me he cares and does love me but he doesn’t like saying it to me until we’re both ready for a relationship. I just don’t get it at all I’m soo confused I don’t know what he’s at like he brought me to the beach and then let me drive to his home town and he bought me food and a drink I don’t know if he thinks of me as just a mate I don't know my mind is just gone from over thinking all these mixed signals is just mad it’s like he wants me but then wants to be single

[HollyK21]

If a guy tells you he wants baby steps, 9/10 it’s an excuse to still get what he want as from you without committing. When a guy really wants to work through tough spots with you, he will still have his sights exclusively set towards you, and actively work to get back to where you were as a couple. What he will NOT do is take you to a club and let you watch him hook up with another girl and get her number. He will not do anything that could risk losing you — the only mixed signals about that are the ones you create in your mind to keep sticking around. I know you love that guy, but not only do you need to love yourself more than him, but respect yourself and demand that respect from him.

[HollyK21]

**get what he wants from you

[Asker]

I know your right. But he’s made it clear to me by far he can get all these girls and that I’m a pathetic nobody to him why did he bother with me atall? I mean why? I have demanded respect but every time I talked to him about my feelings even tried to help him with his but wanted none of it calls it th circle game because I just keep going round and round with the same stuff. Which he isn’t wrong but I’m upset and Hurt and I don’t think he gets that he just expects me to be fine and be normal but how can I?

[HollyK21]

Maybe it’s time to start shifting your mindset. Demanding respect with men is not vocal, it’s in your actions, because men don’t understand words they understand those actions. This means no contact, less availability, less of your time, etc etc. What should be most hurtful to you is not what he does, but what you allow. You just said “he’s made it clear to me by far he can get all these girls and that I’m a pathetic nobody”... how can you type that out, and still focus on what he did at the club rather than the meaning behind those words? To me, that’s you hurting yourself, because you continue on with a man who thinks so little of you. If you want all this to stop, then simply stop it. Stop arguing with him, stop trying, stop crying, just stop it all. Then you will see the difference because you have stopped allowing the bullshit.

[HollyK21]

To be clear, I am not saying you should not communicate your feelings — you absolutely should. But you already have, and there is no change. So your demands can no longer be vocal.

[Asker]

I know your right I’m my own worst energy I try my best to forget him and move on but it’s like I remember and then I worry and I feel so low and I feel like seeing him with all these girls even that girl at the club was so pretty and I just can’t get any men and like he’s having the time of his life and rubbing it in my face and I’m just like woah I’m such a low life. I know I’m not and I have to believe in myself but sometimes it’s hard but I’ve tried the whole no contact with him and it does absolutely nothing he comes texting me again when he feels like it or is bored or wants to mess with my head because he knows how it works. Just I don't know I don’t get how someone can be like that to another human being and to call him out onit and to be like don’t say things about me that aren’t true I’m a good person and I’m like well u aren’t to me like he thinks I’m in the wrong all the time that It’s all my fault he doesn’t see how cruel he has been to me or maybe he does and just doesn’t want to an knowledge it I don't know it’s just to mind blowing

[HollyK21]

I absolutely understand. If your age range is right and you’re under 25, this is probably one of the first painful experiences of your life, and even with the way you write this out I can tell you are really suffering. I’ve been in your shoes before, and my biggest advice is that you can’t love any man more than you love yourself. Sometimes that means being stronger than ever and letting go, which may be the case here, but you also have to realize that those changes can be the best for you mentally and spiritually. Dealing with that man is making you lose yourself, and the more he does, the less value you put on your worth. Any man who causes this is absolutely not worth your time, and it may not seem that way now, but some real time away from him will show you it’s true. There’s nothing easy about cutting someone off that you love, but think about it like this: each time you tell yourself you’re done and then accept him back, you are only hurting yourself because you’ll keep having to restart that painful healing process over and over again. Each time it’s taking a little more from your soul. Maybe this time was especially hurtful because it is the push you need to let go. I think the universe does that for is sometimes — we won’t let go on our own so we are literally forced from a bad situation.

[HollyK21]

Like you said — you are a good person, so maybe it’s time to be good to yourself in a real way. Cut him lose, and be very strong about letting him go. It will be hard, you’ll cry a lot, hurt and grieve, and feel tempted to allow him back because you desperately just want him to love you right. Maybe one day he can, but right now he can’t. Neither can be in a few weeks or a few months. Real change takes real time.

[Asker]

I’m 23 and this is my second long term relationship. I find letting go hard I don't know why. I know this guy is like the devil he’s so evil and I’m not even being mean when I say that. I know your right in everything you say and I really appreciate you hearing me out and talking to me it makes me feel good tbh. I’m an overthinker it can be a good thing and an absolute killer it’s something I’m working on along with myself I’m tryna be a happier me but sometimes again it’s hard. But I’ll get there. I feel as though when you say it takes time I think the longer times goes I’ll see him in a relationship with some other girl he’s never gunna want me with covid being gone he’s back to him old self he’s only ever had the one relationship before me he just sleeps around and partys that was his life before me. Just the person I met through in covid tho is so different to the person now it’s like two different people it’s mad how people change. But anyways I just have to fight the fight and be strong like u said

[Asker]

Oh and he’s 25

[HollyK21]

Ugh, I’m so sorry. I know post covid times are breaking a lot of hearts right now. Crazy how someone can be one way for such a long while then switch once they aren’t locked down anymore. There’s several things you can say in hindsight, like a big red flag could’ve been his lifestyle before covid, I would’ve worried he’d return to it afterwards. But those things don’t matter, you already love this guy and nothing is going to change that straight away. What I can suggest is to think back on the woman you were before him. Maybe you’ve changed and aren’t exactly like her now, but she’s still apart of you and you can get back to that. If you weren’t really happy with her, then take it a step further and think about who you were before your first heartbreak. Essentially I’m saying, think about you before being hurt, take that happier person and bring them to where you are now. You will be there again, it’s just going to take some time, strength and commitment. You will have weak moments but do whatever you have to and fight through them, even if you have to find something that can help stop you from responding or reaching out. But it gets easier, and the proof of that was the first heartbreak you thought you’d never recover from when it happened. You were strong then, you’ll be strong now.

[Asker]

I know I should have seen the red flags but you see when I was first going with him I never knew about his past life it took time to learn all about that as he doesn’t want to tell me that. There was a lot I learned about him tbh a lot of lies and a lot of secrets I still say there is stuff I don’t know and will never know but sometimes your better off. Yeah It seems a lot of girls are going through the same thing it must have been guys way to get them through covid. The question you asked me about returning to the girl I was before all the pain and I actually thought about it and tbh I don’t think I ever was happy before any relationships I just was me trying survive life. I’ve never changed I’ve always stayed the same. I probably would have loved to never went near a guy but what can you do. Life is full of lessons. I hope one day all this is gunna b worth it for something good.

[HollyK21]

I definitely agree. There were surprisingly just a few women I saw that used men out of boredom through lockdown, but the amount of men doing it far exceeds them. It’s really sad seeing who the men actually are, like with that you’re experiencing from your ex. All you can do is try helping yourself going forward though, the best you can. I’m sorry that you don’t have a happier version of yourself to recall, but honestly it doesn’t matter too much. You can still make the changes so that one day, you’ll look back at who you are now and smile at how much you’ve grown when it comes to happiness, and self love. It’s a long journey — took me years, but it’s so much better to feel above accepting the wrong sort of men into our lives.

[Gent207]

Girl why are you even talking to this guy?

You are just a human fleshlight to him. He's gaslighting you with the promise of a relationship in order to have sex!

Seriously block him and run!

!

[Guy13]

He is detached himself from you totally... it seems.

[Asker]

But then why hook up with me if he has other options save the hassle for himself and me

[Guy13]

I mean he feels nothing emotional for you.

[Asker]

I know that but why did he even bother with me?