I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 5 years?

[Anonymous]

It’s been 5 years since I left that relationship and I am still struggling till this day. He was narcissistic, manipulative, a liar, a cheater. He would gaslight me, turn tbings on me like if it was my fault but he would do that to not take responsibility for his actions. Never admitted to anything even when the proof was in his face. My mother was the same way. He left me so damaged. I am in a 2 year almost 3 year relationship and I have been having so much trouble that it sucks. He treats me so well, nothing like my ex. He’s honest, loyal takes great care of me and I am just fighting this battle. I just want to heal, my past trauma is costing me. I also had a alcoholic mother who was mentally and physically abusive. Treating me like straight up shit. Both my mother and ex made me feel like an unworthy piece of shit, and it’s so hard to get certain thoughts out of my head. I need help in how to overcome this cause I’m tired of living this way. I have tried but I find myself constantly struggling. I try so hard to give myself the happiness that I finally deserve, it’s so difficult to overcome the thoughts inside my head. Please help.

[quaranta]

First of all let me tell you that unfortunately, most of victims of an abusive relationship, usually have a narcissistic parent. Such parents "teach" you their way to "love" and what you must do in order to get their crumbles, so you repeat it with partners and are attracted to those who have narcissistic features even before noticing. That's a curse, but you can work on it once you start identifying this. Now it looks like you're in a good relationship on paper but somehow your current partner can't fulfill the wounds you got, and why? Because he is not a narcissist and he isn't putting you under "that" challenge to win their attention and love, which is what you probably still struggle with. You know they are in debt with you and you never won the battle to make them pay and give back what's yours. Your current partner can't give you that type of dynamics (and he shouldn't!), so you're still struggling. But having a non-narcissistic partner is instead the start of a good path to educate yourself to get a healthier perspective of what you should get from a man and what you deserve, from a man.
Your narcissist ex, for how you see it, probably, still "holds" the control of your dignity and value, somehow, because he was able to disrupt it against your defenses, so it's like if you can't decide by yourself to take back your ownership on your own value. But that's what you must do, and prove your own value to yourself with new achievements (in any aspect of your life), letting your partner support and cheer you when you do.
Shake away from your head that the challenges your ex posed to you are in no way "structured", in no way mature, in no way representative of a valid measuring tool to determine the value of someone else. Why? Because a narcissist is like that infinitely, there is no such thing as a threshold where they finally recognize and respect you, it's just impossible. They would raise the bar over and over, you can't win that because it's just not set to be, by their malfunctioning core. You get the illusion the chance to win the challenge exists because as soon as you loosen the grip, they lovebomb you back (and that's what keeps you glued to them in front of any mistreatment!) but it just doesn't, nobody can because it's not a challenge that is meant to be won, it's only exclusively meant to be maintained running, to feed their destroyed inner screaming child as much as they can. And, you're not their mother, so let them rot. He is most likely doing the exact same game with other girls now, and he will for decades, as long as he finds broken girls who stay at his game.
Focus on the fact that what makes you a valuable person are other things, not the variable standards of a narcissist. Concrete things that are meant to be achieved and won. Your own value must start to rely on solid bases that are anchored to the reality, not to the hope of winning the game of someone sick. Career, ambitions, friends, self improvement, love, pets, kids... You know, the real life outside the narcissist bubble.

[quaranta]

Correction: "Shake away from your head that the challenges your ex posed to you are* "structured", mature, repesentative"

[Slick50Cent]

I was that guy. So here's my perspective.. I'm saying that because I was in a 9 year engagement with my oldest daughter's mom. I became a alcoholic before she was born, and ended up putting my self in treatment after a dui (just over 76 years ago). I was never three for her or my child like I should've been. I married the love of my life 5 years ago, she had a child and we made two babies together also. Back on track here.. It took every Oz of willpower to put God first, and put down my addictions. Including Xbox, etc and work my butt off. Before fairly recent recently her mom kept her from me. But I guess the time I spent building back better shined through somehow. I had no contact! No guidance. No hope. But to answer your question, the new guy deserves the same as he gives you. Find whatever it is that drives your relationship and reignite the fire that put y'all together in the first place. You deserve to be able to let go also.. And that's the hardest part ever. I'll forever be unable to change my past, but if my kids mom can get to this point of trusting me, letting me pay for daughters needs etc, she eventually had to of let go of the hell I put her through. I was vindictive, jealous, manipulating, lazy and more. Be grateful for starting over and remember all the reasons your ex is your ex. And forgive him in your soul. Whether he knows it or not. That's what my daughters mom said she did.. Because she knew how much my daughter needed me! The old me. The man I was before I got lost in the bottle. But her turning point was forgiveness. Good luck..