Break Up & Divorce

I can't tell if I'm really toxic and crazy like my ex says I am. Or if she is just extremely manipulative?

So ever sense are break up my ex who is also the mother of my child has told me numerous times that she hates me. She has cuss me out called me names threaten to put hands on me at one point. And she has call me a terrible parent and a failure of a farther. It got so bad I wanted to take my own life. We split up because she demanded to see my phone. I didn't want to give it to her because I use it as my personal journal. and so, when she went through it, she saw that I had said in my notes that I have feelings for another girl and called me a cheater. even though I never acted on them. and she didn't like that I still had and old ex-girlfriend number. After that we have been off and on until a couple weeks ago when I finally snap and called her out. She said that we are done for good and that we will never speak again. what caused me to snap was the fact that she told me that when I was deployed, she went out with another man and his kids without me knowing but gives herself a pass for it as she calls me a cheater. She got mad at me for talking to 3 of my female friends that I was just saying Hi to and the other to vent. and demand that I delete her number when she was going out on A date with some guy, she just met online. and there was a point where she made me feel so bad about having my ex's number in my phone. even though I knew I had no feelings for her. It was an ex from 2 years ago. only for her to text me saying her ex is back in town and she was going to go meet him for breakfast. Like everything she ridiculed me for she has been doing and sees no wrong with it. and when I called her out on it. letting her know how I feel about it all and how it effects my feeling. she just calls me crazy and toxic. I wish I kept my cool because now she is not talking at all to me. and she was my main source to see my baby. until I can get the courts involved when I get back to the state. I want to reach out and say that I'm sorry but she not very forgiven.

I can't tell if I'm really toxic and crazy like my ex says I am. Or if she is just extremely manipulative?
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