Should I go back to my abusive ex for the sake of my kids?

[Anonymous]

Separated from my ex because he was emotionally abusive, manipulative and at times physically abusive.

We managed to have pretty good visitation and exchanges set up and I dealt with his tantrums pretty even keeled since I don't have to live with him anymore.

He decided to leave they city so visitation is now a few hours once a week. I made a small request about him using my house as a bathroom stop since it obligates me to just wait for him to go back and forth with them which is just his usual passive-aggressive way of exerting control.

He began berating and insulting me over text and said he was no longer going to come even once a week.

My son is going to be devastated.

He said I'm failing at taking care of the kids and basically feels since I left he is justified in washing his hands of everything.

Re the kids, my son has some particular challenges and through a lot of blood sweat and tears he is finally making major progress.

However, my son misses his father dearly and has been really broken up about the decline in visitation. He was fine about the separation until his dad become so scarce. He liked having the personal time with him. Two dudes together and all.

He also won't take my son to his place for whatever reason. Even though we had all been to the place he is staying before.

I understand the emotions are still raw in his side. I left because of his using me to offload his insecurities on my by gaslighting me into guilt. Also, not knowing when he would explode with rage and beat me without warning. He knows which buttons to press. It still affects me and hurts me a lot.

But my son always blames everything on missing his dad. Should I just get back with him for the sake of my son? What should I do.

[Anonymous]

Consider having an honest and direct conversation with your partner to address the manipulation. If you are being manipulated, you might name specific examples of their behavior and how it affects you. Be specific in describing the forms of manipulation and your feelings in response to them.

Manipulation in relationships is more common than you might think. Signs of manipulation include blackmailing, controlling or isolating someone from their friends or family, and using guilt or gaslighting your spouse to get your way.

Whether it's with a partner, friend or parent - a toxic relationship is devastating. As hard as it is to be in, leaving can be harder.

Listen · Ask questions · Encourage interests ·of your son. He had to learn with single mother. It would be better if stay away from his manipulative father. It will hurt her more if he stays in long run.

Hope it helps.

[Fireguy17]

No, do not do that.

Your kids aren't dumb and they will see what is going on, and worse yet they may grow up thinking how you are being treated is normal.

There are no winners in that situation.

Don't do it for your sake and the kids sake.

[DubiousIntentions]

Doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Your child will get over it. But going back into the pig wallow is not good for your mental health, or physical health either. Who needs the abuse? You got out for a reason. So try to remember that and don't give in to his control again. If he doesn't want to see his kid, well that is his prerogative. But he will be the one who will be missing out. Frankly, I think the child will be better off as he may be learning his dad's ways, and you don't want that.

[elizamichale1]

Well first i m sorry u r going through that...
N no honey u shouldn't go back to that abusive relationship... u just need to talk to ur son openly n take him into confidence about the reasons of decline in visits n ur fears for future in case u go back...

[Summeroflove]

No you should not be with someone you’re unhappy with. You need to get a lawyer and figure it out.

You will never be happy with him. You deserve better. Just pray for your children. But if he’s abusive I advice heavily against it.

[Bethany22]

Definitely not! You don't want to put your kids in that influence/environment

[Makeushiver]

No. As difficult as it may be you don't want your kids to get the message that abuse in relationships is acceptable. Have you tried this before? Many abusers are manipulative and can act as if they've changed. If it was a single incident, perhaps but if it was a growing issue and started as verbal and/or emotional abuse later escalating to physical then it ois unlikely that he would change. It may wind up subjecting your kids to abuse also. Each tie you concede and he goes back to his abusive behavior you're giving him tacit approval to continue.

[Asker]

Yes, it was just like that.

[Amy10223]

I would get myself a good lawyer and begin divorce proceedings, so that your then ex husband would have to see his kids at HIS place whenever he could. I dont lnow id your son is a teen that can drive, but if he can, he can whenver he wants to as well. Your husband's passive agressive behavior and violence is all about control and you cannot resort to that be ause it's not good for you nor your children. I would talk to your son and explain this if he doesn't see what the problem is. But to get back with him--absolutely not.

[BlueScorpio]

Yea you can go right back and run the risk traumatizing your kids or end up dead and your kids won't have uou or a father. The answer is obviously no, your son doesn't need that type male role model in his life and does end to see his mother in that position. He needs to know and understand why mom and dad can't be together anymore in same household any longer. When he's older he will understand and hopefully thank you for it.

[Staximus]

Ok it's time for you to pull your head out of your ass. You don't need to be abused. You will be doing more psychological damage to your son by letting him see you be abused than you will by letting him miss his piece if shit father. Your son doesn't need to be around a father like that, and if the father wants to be in your son's life he will make the effort. You should be thanking your lucky fucking stars that piece of shit poor excuse for a man wants to get out of your life for fuck's sake.

[20yearsolder]

All I read was your initial question. Do you want your children raised knowing it's acceptable for a man to abuse a woman? There's your answer right there.

[Asker]

No, that's why I left. But do read the details.

[20yearsolder]

I will read the details but should you ever stay in an abusive relationship for the kids. My answer is still fuck no. You are showing them that that is acceptable behavior. So your daughters will grow up thinking it's okay for their boyfriend or husband to smack them or be verbally abusive

[20yearsolder]

I just read them, your husband is a piece of shit. He hasn't learned anything from the separation. He's still abusive and manipulative. Your son doesn't need to be near him until he fixes himself. Your husband is the one that decided to move farther away. Your husband is the one that decided to penalize the kids. He's trying to make you feel guilty which is manipulation. Don't fall for that shit. Your kids will be fine. They will adjust but they don't need to be with a man that abuses his wife

[Asker]

They never saw that. But yes, of course. You're right

[20yearsolder]

Trust me, they know more than you think they know.

[Anonymous]

I think it has a very high risk of giving them the idea that abusive behavior is okay.

My mother had a high tendency towards verbal abuse, and she seemingly got no consequences. So I learned it was apparently okay and developed the habit myself. I've hurt people a lot, and now I have to unlearn this habit. That's just my experience, I don't know what it's like to have divorced parents though.

[Asker]

Yes, I am unlearning so much too. I hope we both get there.

[dustybiker]

I wouldn’t go back to an abuser. As long as he doesn’t hurt the kids they need to see their father though.

[Asker]

Yes, that's how it was. Now he's ignoring me and them.

[BJP21]

Absolutely not, your mental, emotional, and physical state are just as important for your son. Who knows if your son will manifest these abusive traits toward you or a girlfriend he may meet one day if he continues with seeing his dad.

[Asker]

You're right. I was disgusted with myself as a mother because I wasn't an autopilot with my head in a fog. My kids were full of anxiety always in a rage. They were so clingy to me. I was empty.

[melanieeeB]

Noo. In the long run, your son will have it way better without him. Also he will get used to it

[melanieeeB]

Like when you kids want chocolate for breakfast, you don't go and just give it to them, just cause they want to. It's better for him that way and you know it. He will again get used to it and many kids were raised without a father and they're doing good now.

[Asker]

Yeah I guess it's more my guilt. I was so proud of my family. But I was worn out, gutted inside and breaking down. I wasn't even taking good care of my kids I was so dissociated from my life.

[Asker]

I was raised with a spotty Dad. I have a lot of issues from it.

[melanieeeB]

Is it even a real family, if there is no love and instead just abuse? You can be pretty proud of yourself for getting out there and giving your son a loving home now and a better future too

[melanieeeB]

Me too girl but getting rid of this asshole was the best thing that has ever happened to me, you can move on from your issues and learn to heal your wounds and grow stronger out of it

[Asker]

Yes I am. This is just how kife goes. I've been sustaining a lot of winds to my heart and psyche lately and I'm a bit weary.

[Asker]

Wounds

[melanieeeB]

Yeah understandable 🙏🏼 You will do better, good luck

[Koalamate]

It will break his heart, but you need to tell your son his dad doesn't want to visit and why.

Your son deserves to know what's going on.

Getting back together would only make things worse for all of you.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was also abused by my child’s dad, no… don’t ever go back. That’s like playing Russian Roulette.

[AimeeKyle]

No. That will teach them that you ex’s abusive behavior is acceptable…. And worst case, if you did…. they carry the behavior on in their relationships as an adult.

[Anonymous]

No! Think about your children first, they should be your priority.

[Asker]

They are.

[Smilessavelives]

Your kids should not have to go through that trauma neither should you

[PainusNdeeAnus]

Yes 100% go back it’s what’s best for the kids and that’ll put you in the running for mother of the year

[LimitedBenefits101]

Yes, don't be a failed mother.

[Asker]

I almost was.

[bubblegunnn]

Do not.. itll give ur kids trauma
Find better daddy for them

[Asker]

Their dad is their dad. He has a lotnof goodness offer them but being a dad doesn't come naturally. He's kind of abandoned them at the moment and is making essential cessation of contact my fault. But I won't be looking to replace their dad but hopefully a better role model in other ways.

[boobliker]

never not even for one day