I’m so sad that I spend 8 years with him?

[Anonymous]

hey everyone. so my ex boyfriend and i were together for 8 years. we were both unhappy together for the past year. we stayed together bc we were just used to each other i guess. anyway, in the beginning of our relationship, all this guy did was follow half naked girls on instagram, and DMed a few of them from 2015-2019 telling them they were pretty and so on. i didn’t find out till 2020 that this happened. i begged him to please unfollow them bc it made me uncomfortable, instead of respecting me, he instead said “this is my instagram, i’ll do what i want” i also had zero respect for myself so i accepted it and stayed, hoping one day he’ll do it. just a few months ago, he lost his instagram. no by choice, but bc he was being rude on a live of some page there and deleted his instagram. after a month of not having instagram did he realize that social media is very toxic and ruins relationships. i was happy he said those words, but it didn’t heal the wounds that had caused me. not only the instagram thing, he has said some horrible things to me that i will not say here. we cried and talked about staying together a few months ago and we did as much as we could. the wounds always outweighed the good times we had. am i insecure? absolutely yes. as much as i loved him and wanted to be with him and have a family with him, i couldn’t stop thinking about the bad times we had. with that being said, i couldn’t show him love, it was hard to hug him, it was hard to let him tough me, it was hard to have sex with him, everything was hard. he couldn’t deal with not feeling any love from me so yesterday night we broke it off. as i am happy that i can finally find the right man for me, i am also sad that he couldn’t be the one for me. to him, i will miss our laughs. i hope you won’t treat the next girl as you treated me.

[lightbulb27]

That all makes sense. I'm not sure what to say because you didn't ask a question, almost sounds like you are on the fence... it's over, and you "wasted" time, but not moved on. The healing doesn't start until you are gone and disconnected and suffer the loss.

You are sad you spent 8 years with him? I can relate, I wasted more than that on a friendzone... all the money, time, priority... total waste. You can learn from it, take the lessons and value and move on. You need to flip it to see the positive... you didn't waste anymore seconds of life. I moved on and I'm married now and living life fully. I had no idea what I was missing. There's reasons we make decisions we do, generally because of what we believe about ourselves from childhood training. Find those reasons and love yourself first.

In your case, it sounds like you had to endure years of emotional abuse around "security", which would be very hurtful to relationship. He wasn't the wiser, nor did he care to stop seeing it hurt you. He had to grow up and learn to be a man from the addicted boy he was. Yes, social media can be very damaging, anything can be. You got through that "war"... and the emotional city was in ruins. Makes sense, no you aren't being overly sensitive... you're being normal person, and to your values. Without trust and security, there's nothing.

What you do is your choice. There's lots of videos you can watch, and books, but it's ultimately... your decision which way to move, and that's what's tough about being an adult. You are still young, you have time

Whatever way you go, you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

[Asker]

love this comment, thank you! i’m sad i spent 8 years with him bc i’m 31 years old with no kids. and i’m scared and sad that it’s probably too late to have. i mean i know 31 is still young, but by the time i find a man to maybe he’ll be my husband, it sounds like years 🥺

[lightbulb27]

makes sense. my relative got married around 35/36, just had her first and they are thinking having another. I get to enjoy the little baby whose around 9 months now.
31... is still young... there is still time... focus on your goals. past is the past...
not to mention adopting.

[Guy13]

Group or marriage counseling?

[Asker]

it’s too late for that tbh. it’s come to the point where we don’t do anything anymore. we don’t go out on dates, we don’t go on adventures, we don’t even spend a lot of time together. i’m so tired. so tired that i don’t even hangout with my friends anymore. i’ve tried to talk with them but they also ignore me

[Guy13]

Alright. Hopefully, you find the one you are looking for in the new year.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry for all that you went through.

I sadly had the same kind of guy. I accidently figured out that he was sexting with other girls, and it's possible that he went out with a few of them, but I don't know that for sure. I confronted him about it, and he sorta admitted to it but he said he was looking for another girl so that we could do a 3-way together. We lived together for two years before I had to call it off and walk away.

[Anonymous]

i'm so sorry that happened to you. but i'm glad you found your worth and respect yourself now that you called it off. now you have a way better chance at being happy. you were emotionally neglected and technically cheated on. but now that you've been through that, i'm sure you won't let it happen again and know the warning signs/red flags. he doesn't seem like a good person in general.

[kareka]

So be happy that you didn't spend other 8 with him
Learn from the past 8