Is my ex being ridiculous?

[Anonymous]

Hi all.

So earlier this year my boyfriend and I broke up. Long story short, his parents didn’t want him dating me for culture/racial reasons (He’s Indian) and he became unhappy in our relationship and they ended up emotionally blackmailing him intro breaking up with me.
Anyway, it’s been 8 months since we broke up. We’ve managed to become “friends” but We’re still in love, we say it everyday so I wouldn’t call us legit friends. And I’ve slowly been crawling my way out of the dark place he left me in when we broke up, so I’m doing better.

But one of the issues we had when we were together is we never got to spend holidays together. He was always with his family and I was never invited.
I REALLY wanted to spend at least New Years with him despite everything, but once again he told me that he will be doing something with his family at his Uncle’s House. Since he’s not my boyfriend anymore, I’ve let go of all my expectations of him. If he can’t do something with me, then I just accept it. I love him still, but I’m not wasting anymore time being upset over him and his family.
So, I decided I was just gonna go out with friends. I don’t want to spend another New Years alone and sad. I want to start having fun again.
But when I told him I was gonna go out, he basically told me no without saying no. He said he didn’t want me going with my friends to any parties, bars, no drinking, nothing. He wants me to stay at home with my family, which in other words means do nothing, again. I originally laughed it off, But he told me he would be really mad if I don’t listen to him. When we were together, he never wanted me to go out because he said it was “unsafe” for me, so I NEVER went out.
I just took it as him being a protective boyfriend back then, but since Im not his girlfriend now, I figured he didn’t care about that stuff anymore.
Do you think it’s really just a safety thing or is it a control thing? Like he just doesn’t want me to be out having fun without him?

Updates

+1 y

Just a little more insight... He had a girlfriend before me, and he broke up with her for the same reason! Except he cut off all contact with her and he told me he just didn’t want to be with her anymore. So when we broke up, I felt like maybe he was using his family as an excuse. But he says he really wants to be with me but he can’t be happy if his family isn’t happy.

[KyleBroflovski]

Seems like even though you aren't official anymore his feeling and opinions haven't changed. Some people just aren't as label based as others. By that I mean, "girlfriend/boyfriend" is a meaningless title in the end and the actual relationship itself is what matters. I bad a friend my first semester of college who would always ask me where I was. I'd normally tell her because why not but one day I asked why she wanted to know and she actually got made and complained about it to a mutual friend when we were in class. To which I said "we aren't dating so why does it matter", she didn't have a response because I was right but the point is. From her perspective she clearly saw me as something more than just the friend label that we had so she acted upon that

[KyleBroflovski]

As far as whether or not your ex is being unreasonable however (sorry I sent my answer before I was done typing) I'd say yeah just a bit. You did have that previously established dynamic so it make sense why he's still clinging to it but he should learn that things have changed

[Asker]

You’re right about the dynamic part. On the surface, not much has changed. We still hang out all the time, text all the time, facetime daily. He always wants to know where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with. A few months ago I needed a ride home from work and I asked a male co-worker who I had become pretty cool with, nothing flirty or romantic, more like homies... And he lived close by so it was convenient for him. But my ex didn’t want him driving me so I asked for a ride from someone else. I quit that job that same month, but to this day, he continues to bring this guy up to me. He’s always asking if I’ve been talking to him and I haven’t talked to him since I quit lol. I don’t mind some of these things, but the point is, he acts like a boyfriend often and even I used to still act like a girlfriend to him as well, but I have calmed down tremendously and accepted the fact that even though his family is difficult, he had a choice and he chose to break up with me. So even though not much has changed on the outside, in my heart it’s not the same because he can’t commit to me. So I feel like it’s unfair that he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, or “can’t” be my boyfriend as he would say, but still wants me closed off to the world as if we’re still together. If he can’t give me the things I want but still wants to be in my life, he should be happy that I’m in a better place and not staying in bed depressed everyday like I was before.

[LiamSawyer]

He's torn... probably loves you but his family will always come first. He wants you even if you're not together and doesn't want anyone else to have or touch you which at this point is purely selfish but possibly also noble. He cares for you but can never take care of you. That would be hard for him to accept, so you must just accept that for him and move on. Perhaps he did care for your safety but would of also been influenced by his family traditions and religious thinking.

Your question is not an easy one to answer, but I think you need to move on.

If I can further help, follow me and we can chat privately without the whole world knowing your business.

[Asker]

I feel like I am moving on in my heart as far as expecting him to love and commit to me. But he’s still in my everyday life. I love spending time with him but there’s always a void there. I have been learning to accept that void and instead of praying for him to be “the one”, I’m just praying that God sends me a guy that’s not going to hurt me.

[LiamSawyer]

I hope you can move on and prosper, message me anytime you want, I can' t promise I'll be there for instant answers but fill answer as soon as I can after reading your message.

[Anonymous]

That's messed up. Why would going out be " unsafe" you are with your friends. He's controlling you and it's a control thing for sure. Bet he has got that trait from his culture where men are allowed to control women.
Your once relationship is going nowhere so go out and live your life. Eventually you'll both get into new relationships , of course he'll try to prevent it but thats egoistical and narcissistic

[Asker]

When we first broke up, all I wanted was for us to be back together. And I still do. But I feel like despite his family, he still chose to break up with me. So I feel like if he’s gonna act like a jealous boyfriend then he should be my jealous boyfriend and not my “friend”. If he’s not going to commit to me, then he should be happy to see I’m not depressed and lifeless anymore like I used to be... and he’s soooo different from the typical Indian guy you would meet. He’s so American, has no accent, listens to rap music... He has no connection to his culture according to him, but his family is still really into their culture. I also feel like it’s a control thing.

[Opinion Owner]

You are right if he's going to be jealous he has at least to be your boyfriend, not just a friend. Because you are getting nothing out of I while he's controlling yoy. His actions are understanable bcz he was kind of forced into leaving you. That doesn't mean it's right. If you think about it, you'll have to get over him sooner or later.. so just do your thing and do whatever makes you happy. When you finally move on you'll regret how you wasted time being depressed. I think you should go out...

[Opinion Owner]

I read your update.. he's having problems with dating in general. And I don't assume he's lying bcz indian culture is strict. But he's dating anyways knowing that it won't go anywhere.. so prob he knew before that you'll have to break up eventually.

[ItsTheNephilim]

Yes, he is being ridiculous. You're not his girlfriend anymore and he can't control you. He just can't stop himself from doing it as if it weren't for his parents, he'd still be with you which is sadly isn't so. That being said, you have all the means to not listen to him and do your own thing.