Please help me understand? Is it me or his depression?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 9 years, and father of 2 children has recently received news his dad (who he is very close to) has bowel cancer.

My boyfriend is also in thousands of pounds worth of debt which he pays back every month with 3 years left to pay of what's been a long 6 years repayment plan. He has seemed very stressed had cried more the past two weeks than I've ever seen him.

He's booked an appointment to see a doctor but the other day he told me he's moving back home to his mum's and dad's because he can't focus on anything other than one thing at a time and a relationship is too much pressure for him. He just wants to focus on working extra and seeing the children. He's told me to move on and doesn't want to address that the past 9 years has ever happened. He just said he can't deal with that.

Prior to the news about his dad, we've had a beautiful relationship, we rarely argue and built a family together. We were best friends. I am in complete shock and didn't see it coming at all, absolutely heartbroken and he has completely shut down all emotions, almost robotic. Do I wait and see what comes of his doctors appointment or do I do as he's asked and move on? He comes regularly to see the kids, but every time he leaves I feel like we're breaking up all over again.

I feel abandoned by him and have no idea where it all went wrong? He's told me it's not me and it's his head that's messed it up, but why am I the one left hurt? Please help me make sense of this from an outsider's perspective? Thank you.

[Rosexøxø]

It’s not your fault!

You did not put his father in that condition nor gave him his debt.

Those are two issues he has to spar with as an individual of society and a member of humanity- who deals with life and death concepts.

I think he is clearly overwhelmed and may feel a sense of loss with his father and possibly a sense of despair (he’s not gonna make it because he’s not making it (making the ends meet so well or ideally hoped for)).

I think he feels as if he doesn’t have the emotions to invest into another person, so for his kids he’s at least using the parent card and “knowing better” to push them a certain distance but still be involved and there for them. It’s possible he is somewhat comforted by their unknowingness/ world innocence and simplicity, and a possibility they don’t understand the weight of their grandfather so they are unchanging towards their father. Your boyfriend may want a sense of normalcy and simplicity to help him face a very harsh reality, and change.

I surely hope he is not in so much despair that he figures neglecting his personal life or ceasing it would be better since his father may have been a personal life anchor to keep him grounded and feel safe and/or secure himself.

If that were the case it’s possible he would want you to be distant and move on emotionally and for him to leave a good note and memory for his kids before (for them- something “randomly unfortunate” happened to him).

It’s obvious he doesn’t feel secure financially and losing a mentor or leader-figure is also like losing good council or someone they can rely on a times of need.

Maybe he doesn’t feel as secure with you or secure with his kids and he’s not secure with the debt. He has to understand that you promise a level of security, but at the same time he may believe that there is not much you can offer him on the emotional plane, as he just must face the facts and he will have to simply move on without his father.

I think leaving a line of accessibility for him and conveying to him that you will be there is he needs to talk, will be a reassurance, a reminder of the friendship you both have, and a point of mention/ reference that you are a place of security for him, emotionally, maybe even perspective-wise, and a bit financially if you decided to help him in that area. Maybe not too significantly, but still- every bit helps.

Now’s not the best time or even realistic to make this personal for you, as what he’s doing is all in inward reflection with the reality he is losing a father…

Stress also causes us to make decisions subpar of what they should be.

I think you finding someone else to convey this expression of confusion/ shock/ sadness for yourself would be helpful. He cannot be that outlet right now, but if the relationship gets resolved smoothly between you two amidst this hurdle for your boyfriend, I think you both will be able to have that moment of expressing what a tough time this was for the both of you. Reflect and reconnect even deeper.

Usually guys mean what they say (you know your partner better than us and most), but he’s also making a decision with clouded thinking, overwhelmed thinking. We don’t know if he has any self harming thoughts.

You keeping calm and not reacting to him is best. Waiting for him to receive his doctor appointment is helpful. Reminding him of your presence in the relationship and the weight it carries (the security part and availability), is going to be solidifying. You finding a temporary outlet for now that isn’t your boyfriend will help you make sense of your emotions. Overall, you both having different outlets will help things yes, to not be so changed emotionally. To allow some different perspective and logic. Also allows you both not to keep things messy but orderly in what is known to society as possibly being turbulent at times or just a bunch of things to occupy one’s mind.

so in summary:

Solidify the tie (availability)

embrace different outlets (order/ clarity)

respect his decision (offers him that freedom to not feel trapped in any way and heard/ capable of making decisions). Also you don’t have to say: yeah I agree! I will run rn! Just not combatting it, will help to prevent rising in stress levels.

He needs to hear his thoughts out loud (with his doctor), as well as you, both doing so in a not-emotionally-charged environment because you both clearly care for each other and wish to see each other do well.

I think you also speaking with a doctor would be helpful and maybe a trust friend would be helpful. You can confide in family. Just gather what you may hear from them and weigh the options- but don’t react in ways they would react in that scenario. They aren’t in a relationship with your boyfriend; you are. Make sure the decision is yours, but seems the most logical to you.

A helpful reminder is that there is always healing available and resolution. Life for those who experience loss, even after they face that loss/ those losses.

For yourself mentally think of how you will live without him if there is some separation, and think of how you will live with him moving on from this if things are shifted for him, or if things resolve.

You making your decisions in advance, seeing how you will respond to each possible outcome, provides you with security and emotional balance. He needs to do the same with his doctor’s help and probably saying so.

It is said in some research that friendships that last 7 years have higher chances of being long-term and/or life long. If you both have been together for 9 and are bonded like friends also. I see that as a good sign and possibility for the salvage and the security of the relationship. It definitely gives you a head start and puts you both ahead of most relationships.

Treat yourself the next few days on the side, to ensure self care. Think on those different scenarios and your RESPONSE. Not your reaction. (The game plan/knowing your options. Go over your options with family and a doctor if you wish). Understand there IS options available to you and him; that you both aren’t helpless in this.

I really believe there’s hope for the situation and logical probability for it to be versatile and resolute. I think you both just need access to those resources, not neglect self care. Keep things light, and respecting each other- not putting strain on each other is going to do a handful of good, than bad.

He’s doing a good thing in seeing a doctor, showing concern to you by giving warning and communication, and trying to be a good dad while being a responsible citizen.

You’re doing a good thing in weighing the info. Before making any impulsive decision (s). You’re trying to reach logic before you just feel anything that would be a result of jumping to conclusions.

Embrace what feels a bit natural for now, but understand your situation in the right lens, so you aren’t feeling unnecessary emotions, for things which aren’t entirely accurate.

Best to you sis! I trust your search for knowledge and his attempts to be logical minded and still responsible despite a loss.

He’s trying to maneuver a possible loss, and I suggest you also take this as opportunity to be able to prepare and be sustaining if you experience a different form of loss. Both aren’t guaranteed, but being prepared and knowing is the key.

[SueShe]

It is definitely not your fault if you think that the 9 years you spent with your husband was without any major couple crisis.

Colon cancer is survivable but it all depends on the severity and the stage of that cancer. It is understandable that your husband is worried about his dad because his dad is probably in his mid to late 50's and still relatively young.

My belief is that you should wait for the results of your husband's doctor visit before acting. What you can do right now is to make a list of issues that you are faced with and try to bring a solution next to each of your problems/issues. Sit down with your husband and go over those issues trying to find a consensus that is acceptable to both of you. The coming years will be difficult but it seems that your husband is working towards settling this debt issue. That is already very positive.

He is definitely in a severe depression because of the accumulation of major problems and he does definitely need medical attention to overcome his depression. It is important that you don't let yourself get into a depression yourself because you will not be able to focus properly and your children are the ones that will suffer from those consequences. Good luck.

[Finchie40]

I know it’s easier said then done but you honestly have to start focusing on yourself and doing what’s best for you or you are going to end up depressed yourself , Depression is a horrible thing so if your husband isn’t willing to get the help he needs that’s his problem , you can’t force someone to get help , you can inquire about it but you can’t force them , the fact that he is choosing to be apart from you and the kids can’t be your problem anymore , Just because we love someone , it doesn’t mean you have to be with that person , loving someone and letting them go is a tough pill to swallow but you have to remember what’s more important is your own sanity. The best advice I can give when you are dealing with someone with depression is to distance yourself from that person , pretty much make it clear that you are fine without them and focusing on your life Start focusing on your kids and making plans with your friends and start saying No to him , and stop feeling sorry for him , sometimes the sense of reality will kick in to someone that is dealing with severe depression to make them realize they need to get their shit together or they are going to lose you for good , you don’t have to be an asshole but make it clear that you aren’t a convenience to him , When he calls you to come see the kids start saying you are busy and that you are going out , tell him he can see the kids another time , My ex wife suffered from severe depression and it was one of the hardest relationships I ever been in , she ended up cheating on me so I divorced her but I still made it clear that she has no say over what I do or what I want to do , When I started treating her this way she tried crawling back to me and begging for me back , little did she realize I was over her , I still love her for the fact that she is the mother of my children but being in a relationship with someone that has severe depression is not healthy and can slowly kill you from all the stress they put you through , so again you are best to focus on yourself and pretend your husband has this severe contagious disease that he will have for life , It works for me , considering my ex wife still tries to be with me and says she’s in love with me etc etc but the fact that I busted her cheating on me , I can’t get over it , So plant your foot down and don’t take his shit , If he truly loved you and the kids he would be getting help immediately, don’t be a sitting duck to someone that can’t give you the same in return or you are just going to hurt yourself , if you meet someone else , focus on that someone else , whether your husband is staying faithful or cheating on you is not your problem anymore , whether he is physically cheating on you or not , he is still cheating on your marriage and relationship , so again focus on yourself and find happiness

[Rosexøxø]

Yeah I’m not sure about cheating. I really am not! Lol but I like your first part and suggesting she not try to control his decisions or decision making skills, but her regathering the control she has on her own for HER life and the life elf her kids at these times, so that she is living well.

The kick of reality can do some help and it’s true. Him seeing a doctor will help him interpret some realities but if he does see other life going on without him he may say his goodbye for his dad and move on with life, not getting caught up with death and loss.

She has to gravitate towards thriving life so that they BOTH don’t gravitate towards death and nothingness. Really good advice, to consider here.

[Sasha0426]

I’m not sure about the cheating part either. I get it happened to you but saying her boyfriend is doing the same is a big stretch.
She did say he was getting help because he booked a doctor’s appointment. That’s a HUGE plus right there.
As far as focusing on herself and her own sanity, I do agree with that.
Hopefully, then can come to a solution where they don’t split.

[Finchie40]

Yea cheating isn’t going to solve anything , what I was trying to tell her , advice wise , is to just focus on her well being , don’t wrap herself up with someone that clearly isn’t giving her the same in return , we can only be a punching bag to someone for so long until it’s time to throw in the towel , the fact that he did make a doctor’s appointment is a good thing but it doesn’t solve anything yet , My ex went to doctor’s appointments constantly and for a short period of time she seemed to be getting better and things would get better but bam , like a flip of a switch , she turned evil on me again , I use to say she had a little demon inside her that would come out and attack me leaving me with constant question marks over my head. Of not knowing if it was her or this little demon talking , Being with someone with severe depression can easily impact you without realizing it and making you become lost yourself , not understanding why they all of a sudden are treating you the way they treat you , So for your own sanity you have to focus on yourself and realize you can’t fix someone, that is clearly messed up in the head , you feel bad for them and wish you could help them but you clearly can’t , they have to want to do it for themselves , Anytime I would tell my wife she needed her medications adjusted she would snap on me like I was this complete asshole when clearly i was just trying to help her but she took it to extreme , I honestly knew her so well that I knew when she was about to go through another episode of the little demon, she became so vicious to the point I didn’t know who she was and she made Me feel like I wasn’t loved by her and that she was cheating on me and that she was just with me as a convenience, I went to a therapist myself to hear my therapist tell me to get away from her cuz it’s going to affect me and it isn’t a healthy relationship, but I loved her and felt like I could handle it , sadly I was wrong , focusing on myself was the

[Finchie40]

Only thing I could do to stay somewhat sane , playing her games instead of being a sitting duck was the best thing I did , it gave her a wake up call of reality that I wasn’t going to be her punching bag anymore , the second she started crawling for me back is when I busted her having an affair with a co worker , if she didn’t cheat on me I would of taken her back but that was my final straw

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like your boyfriend is going through a lot right now, with the news about his father's cancer and financial stress, and it's possible that his depression is also playing a role in his current behavior.

It's important to remember that depression can affect a person's thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and can make it difficult for them to cope with stress or manage their emotions. It's possible that your boyfriend's decision to move back home and focus on work and his children is a reflection of his need to simplify his life and reduce stress, rather than a reflection of his feelings for you or your relationship.

However, it's also important to prioritize your own well-being and to make decisions that align with your own values and goals for the future. If you feel that the relationship is not meeting your needs or is causing you undue stress or discomfort, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship and whether it is worth continuing.

It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings and the future of your relationship. It's possible that with some communication and support, you may be able to work through this difficult time together and come out stronger on the other side.

Right now, it's important to take care of yourself and to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals if you're struggling to cope with the situation. Remember that you deserve to be treated with care and respect, and that it's okay to prioritize your own well-being and happiness.

[Paris13]

Be there for him. This is All you Can Do right Now. It is Tough when Someone you Love has to Go through a Loved One with Cancer. Make sure you Both Co-parent. That is The Important Thing Now and Tell him you will Be Supportive of Him. He sounds Distraught. xxoo

[Justmeagain1]

Men are beautiful beings and so confusing. I truly admire them. Stuck between what is factual, what is right and what morally is wrong. I feel in your situation perhaps tell him that your hurt and that you understand and can work with him in the care of children. Where your relationship with him is concerned- he has been honest which is great I think. He trusts you enough to express this- support he decision. Please don’t put pressure on your self to be any different then what you are (I mean don’t turn into something that your not to gain something from him that you want) , allow him space and time and ensure that in this process you gain your self some help too. All those little things that have niggled away at you and your self worth for years - get working on them. This inside work will assist and benefit your life to no end moving forward. I promise you will get through this. Depression for men is consuming- it often looks like the following : silence when normally they would be conversational, not brushing teeth, they work more (because that is a bit they are successful and in control about), they forget the small things that make things big and special because they don’t have the head space to cope , then adding family pressures and big debt, health issues of loved ones - they ultimately have failure sitting there constantly nagging at them. Support and love coming from Australia to you x

[Gent207-2]

Quite a mess

On the one hand he wants you to surrender. While on the other he feels that he has to surrender one role to be the other two, dad and caregiver (includes provider). This cannot be any further from the truth.

If you want him, be ready to enter his physical and mental trenches, I can guarantee you most of what's going onis in his head. So be ready to fight and assure him a 1000 times over that you are not leaving him.

OR you can run.

[sage2021]

Everyone has a breaking point and it sounds like he has reached his.
The debt he owes is enough to make anyone depressed. Now he knows his father is sick and probably going to pass away.
Sounds like he just needs to be left alone in a quiet place and try to deal with it without children around. As for you, he believes he cannot be like he was, and he feels you deserve better.
Let him go - and don't leave scratch marks.

[Sasha0426]

Depression makes you think of THE most irrational thoughts. I’m glad he’s seeking help. I can tell he loves you and doesn’t want to leave but his head making him think it’s for the best because he doesn’t want you to suffer anymore. I say wait until after his doctors appointment.

[Anonymous]

This is crazy, hardly any problems and now he only cares about the kids? I am so sorry for you being blindsided like this. But if its coparenting he wants, its all that mf would get. He probably knows his life is going nowhere if he's in that much debt and doesn't want to drag you down financially too

[DownInTheDumps]

Sounds like depression and also the fact he just found out his dad has cancer that could potentially kill him, his head is definitely not in a good place at the moment and he isn't thinking

[lightbulb27]

father of your 2 children?

Sounds like he is not comfortable being vulnerable around you and he views relationship as an additional thing to manage emotionally.

why is that? do you two have unsettled business?

[Iron_Man]

Why not try and see if you both can go to professional counseling together to try to fix it. I don’t see why you can’t both help out each other and comfort each other

[Asker]

He has completely shut down all emotions towards me, I've suggested this, it was only 5 weeks ago he was telling me how lucky he felt to have me and now it's like I don't know him.

[Iron_Man]

Well, it’s up to the guy then he’s the one that made this decision a very bad one for sure

[Iron_Man]

This shouldn’t have anything to do with you

[Iron_Man]

He should never walk away and abandon you you’re supposed to be a team

[slatyb]

It's his depression. Is he the father of your children?

[Anonymous]

His depression. He needs your support right now.

[Asker]

I have been so supportive to him, for months I've asked him to make the call to the doctor's but it's gone too far now for him. I feel so sorry for what's he's going through and he wants to be left alone and telling me to move on is so hard to hear. I want to wait for him and give him the space he needs but I'm so scared that once he gets the help he needs he still doesn't want to come back

[Shy_Steve]

Tell him how you feel.

He obviously has Depression, What do you need to understand?

[Shy_Steve]

Just try and support him as much as you can, After all you did have 2 kids together.

[jimmy2]

Honey death is part of life get him help before too long on depression

[leahzrc]

If he truly loves you he will come back to you

[Rosexøxø]

This is so important. Thanks for sharing this.

[Wild_princess]

If you really had love, stick by it