I can't ever forgive infidelity but is it too late to start over at age 42?

[Anonymous]

He broke my only single exception that I can't ever forgive nor work out. I haven't really confronted him yet because our twin sons' 19th b-day is this Sunday.

I've discovered his infidelity last week (even have his own voice recorded where he has a private conversation with his friend and admits to it) and found out it has been going for nearly 8 months. I really hate to break up our family, never wanted to but it's like he gave no choice. I can't forgive that. Cheating has always been a deal-breaker for me.

Taking him back would be an insult for me as a woman and setting a bad example for our sons. I can't tolerate it. I'm waiting until Sunday is over. I'm not even going to yell nor make a scene; no need for if he literally threw away 22 years of love (2 years of boyfriend and girlfriend and 20 years married) as if it meant nothing. I just want to be done with him as quickly as possible and not see him again.

Is it too late to start over at age 42 once I'm done with all this process?

Updates

29 d

Anyone suggesting to try to find out the reasons why he had an affair and consider if it can be worked out, I'm not going to bother with that. The moment to work things out was before he decided to cheat. Now there is nothing to work things out. He refused to work things out when he cheated.

Updates

25 d

Even worse. In addition to his infidelity, he got his mistress pregnant too. I've just set up an appointment with a lawyer and will be divorcing him ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand how you feel. But have you actually tried talking to him about it? Like why he did it? You sure it wasn’t something that happened not just because of him but because of both of you? A lot of times people tend to think it’s the other person’s fault, like they had no part in it. Most people will say no, I haven’t changed he s/he changed. As for starting over, honestly no it’s never too late but in reality, you’re much older. A lot of men aren’t looking for older women. There may be some but that’s not a lot. You might have a better chance since you’re son is an adult, so you don’t have a child holding you back from doing a lot of things like spontaneously getting up w your man the next day then deciding to drive to Vegas for the hell of it. Also depends on your looks. Sure a lot of women say they have men texting or calling them, maybe checking them out all the time. But the real question is do they want something serious or something just for fun? Usually it’s just for fun. I will say you might have a better chance as well considering you’ve been married for 20 years. It shows you’re committed to staying in a relationship as opposed to women who may have been w 5 different men in the last year or so. But it also depends on your requirements. Meaning does he have to be a certain height? Make over so much financially? In shape? Etc, etc. Once you start throwing in a lot of requirements those numbers start to go down drastically.

[Asker]

To be honest, I don't really care why he cheated nor with him nor where; none of that matters to me. Any reason he has to tell me doesn't matter to me. All that matters to me is he broke his marital vows and threw away that special bond we had. Plus he's currently lying right now and I haven't confronted yet about it.
I'm waiting till Sunday is over so I can work on getting him out of my life ASAP. Since it's likely he'll deny if I were to ask him if anything is wrong or if he cheated, I'll go straight to presenting him the evidence (I have it saved on my phone too), demand a divorce and go on from there. If he had any issues in our marriage, he had the chance to speak to me about it and explain it. I've always been a good listener and never was the type to ask too much.

[Opinion Owner]

So even if he had a legitimate reason in his like he was being neglected or you didn’t appreciate him, it wouldn’t matter. Because his feelings don’t matter. What matters is your feelings, that’s all. Ok. This is one of the reasons why men don’t talk about their feelings because women usually don’t care about a man’s feelings. They want a man who’s emotional, who can talk but when he does talk especially about things he doesn’t like that you do than it’s not ok. Part of me thinks you’re just using it as an excuse to get out of this relationships because you’re not in love w him like you used to be. You think there’s something better for you.

[Asker]

I never neglected him and on the hypothetical case that I did, I still wouldn't care about the reason. If I wasn't doing something right, he should've told me in my face or leave the marriage if it was too unbearable but going behind my back while playing the role of the loving husband is disgusting behavior.

Why would I be in love with a cheater? Off course my feeling of love stopped immediately after I found out his affair. That's not the person I married. Right now I see him as a stranger, as a fake person I don't know anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. Well take it as you did nothing wrong. Good luck. But no there’s still a chance to maybe meet someone. May just not be what you’re expecting to your standards but there’s men out there.

[wiltingrosepetal]

How is it her fault if her partner cheats? If he had an issue that could've been solved, it would've been communicated. But instead, he chose to have an affair. This isn't the case of women ignoring men's emotions, this is a man cheating because he wants to cheat 🧍‍♀️

[Opinion Owner]

@wiltingrosepetal yes because women know what men think or how we feel. That men can’t possibly have feelings of their own that differ from yours lol you’re probably one of those women who say “a real man would…”

[wiltingrosepetal]

No I'm one of those women who say 'there's no good reason to cheat' ☺✌

[Drew-1990]

It's not too late to start over. Upon hearing the true reason you left your husband many men will understand. I personally don't like divorce and don't want to date a divorced woman expect in a case like this were the husband was unfaithful to you. That is one of the very few reasons I find divorce acceptable and would be willing to be with that woman. You have every right to leave him and good for you not making a scene about it and waiting till after the party. I'm sure when your son's hear the truth they will understand completely.

[Asker]

Thank you for your understanding. The party is over and I'm proceeding to presenting him the evidence today when he gets off work and informing him about the divorce. I've been sleeping on the couch these days.

[Drew-1990]

Your welcome and I think you are handling this correctly. An affair is one of the biggest betrayals honestly there is NO good reason to do one. This is one of the very few things I think justify leaving your husband as hard is that is. I wish you luck when you confront him and I wish you luck once you are ready to enter the dating world again.

[Drew-1990]

OMG I'm so sorry that must be the horrible to learn. This man completely betrayed you. I hope one day you can work through this and find someone that won't betray you.

[poshspice123]

It’s not too late.
I divorced my husband for cheating when I was 33.
There are plenty of fish in the pond.


Firstly if you can’t forgive it then no point staying. (I couldn’t forgive, and it was veryyyy hard for me to leave him because I was codependent)


After leaving know that there might be times you’ll be lonely, needing a man to do some chore around the house or lift furniture and your husband won’t be there. But at least no one would be cheating on you.


If he can’t even follow the simplest rule is it worth it?


My therapist asked me this question when i was scared of leaving “had he not cheated were you happy with him? Did he make you happy? Did he put in efforts?”
If the answer is yes then try to work on your marriage. If the answer is no then leave him.


Also being cheated upon is not YOUR fault. You asked what made him cheat etc… don’t ask such questions as it’s lowering your self worth. I had to work so hard to stop asking these questions. I used to think I’m not good in bed maybe or not intelligent etc. but the answer is that he CHOSE to cheat. It was his choice and not your doing. I’m sorry you went through this.
I know it’s Sunday but don’t be a peace maker that keeps quiet till Sunday is over. Speak up! Stand up for yourself! You deserve a noise! He cheated! It’s a big deal!

[poshspice123]

I met a women at yoga retreat recently and he found love at 70! With her high school friend who she went on one date with and somehow didn’t go on a second with.

[Asker]

No I can't forgive infidelity at all. He didn't put any effort the moment he decided to have an affair. At this moment, nothing he does will ever make me happy. My only joy are our two sons. I'm not even going to bother asking what made him cheat for nearly 8 months because honestly I don't care for the reason. He's at work right now and I'll be showing him the evidence of his infidelity and demanding a divorce once he gets home today.

[poshspice123]

Hello! Hope you are doing ok! Stay strong!

[Asker]

Thank you. I've set up an appointment with a lawyer and demanded him a divorce. It's worse. On top of cheating, he got the other woman pregnant.

[AmyHew1tt]

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. Please don't take him back! You can absolutely start over. And even if you couldn't, being single would be so much better than being with someone who betrayed you like that. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise.

[Asker]

Thank you and off course not. I want him out of my life soon. Indeed I'd rather be single than stuck with a cheater.

[AmyHew1tt]

Good. And I'm sorry so many people are telling you to find out why he cheated. I mean, reasons aside, there's never an excuse, so what difference does it make? You're really strong for taking this in your stride and deciding to get away from him.

[Jessica405]

So sad! However, it is never too late to start again.

In my case, my dad passed away when my mum was 30. She was devastated. She was like you, in her early 40's before she felt able to love again. She had known this guy for a few years while they were walking their dogs. She held back, in case my brother and
I were against it. We both told her to go for it!

He moved in with us about 8 years ago. A great guy.

You can do it, too! Find another decent guy. There are a few about.

[Asker]

I'm sitting in the park with my laptop at this moment. I can't even stand looking at that liar, at that fake person for a husband. Upon finalizing with the divorce, I will be taking my time in the dating world.

[AviatorTom]

It's never too late, but giving up on your 22-year relationship may not send the kind of example you want for your twin sons. It's your call, but please be sure about what you want to do versus what you should do.

[Asker]

He made that decision the moment he chose to have an affair. If anything, he gave up on our marriage.

[Changiis07]

It is never too late to fond love again, it doesn't matter what age. Sometimes we can't control what happens but we can choose to try again with someone else

[Asker]

Indeed I couldn't control getting cheated on. I'll never understand how anyone can pretend everything is great while lying to you and deceiving you behind your back.

[Changiis07]

I will never understand cheating either. If someone isn't happy then say it and move on instead of doing it behind their back

[Asker]

Indeed. I've always been by his side and a good listener to whatever issues there is. If there were problems, he had the chance to speak to me about them instead of doing what he did. Now there is nothing to fix anymore. I want him out of my life, ASAP.

[SueShe]

It is not too late to start over at age 42 but it is a little more complicated because unfortunately, people are judgmental and will consider you damaged goods. Sorry for the blunt comparison but alas, that is unfortunately how a lot of men see a woman past her prime that would like to start all over again.

I am not a fan of dating apps but you have to make a clear cut and dating apps are not an option. You will fall into those traps that those hookup sites put out because they are actually hookup sites and not dating sites.

Your best option would be to join a club or take up a hobby where you are likely to meet people that share the same interests as you do. It is usually a good way to start friendships because of the common interests. Good luck.

[Asker]

I'll assume once they know my siuation and how the liar I have for a husband threw away lots of years of dedication and love, I hope they understand I had the best intention of staying by his side for the good and bad times, that we were in this together. He changed to an ''no, we're not in this together, I found someone else'' and trashed our marriage.

[SueShe]

I wish for you that you can inner find peace and someone that will be worthy of you.

[Purpleronnie]

Firstly , can I just say how sorry I am that this has happened to you. Nobody deserves to be cheated on , I have only contempt for your husband and like you I would not care for my wife’s reasons if the situation were reversed. The deception is more hurtful than the intimacy in my opinion.


No , it’s not too late for you and well maybe dont frame it as “starting over” or that 20 plus years of your life / marriage have been thrown away although I’m sure that’s likely your “hurt” talking. It’s truly sad that this experience will shape your next relationship and if I could have any wish or advice for you it would be to try and heal before inviting another man to share your life , I know that is easier said than done though. I still carry baggage round from my 20’s. I have no doubt you’re still very desirable to a lot of the “right” men out there. Good luck with your divorce I hope you both get what you truly deserve and I wish you well for your future

[IslaTheWitch]

you are not obliged to look for reasons. If he had any reasons, he should address them first. He should let you know something doesn't work. So you both could work on it.

I feel the same. If he couldn't talk to me and break up in a civilized way but, he could cheat on me... there is nothing to speak about...

[Anonymous]

It's not too late to start over. But you have to be REALISTIC about your physical marketability at this point. The good news is a GOOD woman NEVER loses value. The biggest problem you're going to run into at this age is EVERYONE has baggage. At 20 years. Old we haven't lived long enough to be all that different. That's not the case at 40. People know what they want, don't want, and are VERY QUICK to judge you.

Welcome to the 💩 show that is dating as an older adult.

My advice to you though is. You're not even divorced yet. Take some time and deal with that. Find you bearings. Then consider dating.

[Asker]

Jogging in the mornings have been my routine for the longest so taking care of myself has never been an issue. People have told me I do seem much younger. Genetics from my family plays a role too. I plan on taking my time after finalizing with the divorce. As for now I want him out of my life ASAP. Whatever reasons he wants to explain for his infidelity is worthless. I don't care about the reasons nor with him. That changes nothing to me. I can't even stand looking at him.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not trying to make you mad just trying to answer your question. a lot of men will prefer a woman under 40 is all I'm saying. Doesn't mean you're over. I'm just saying be prepared for that.

[Asker]

I understand that. Most of those men that are looking for younger women likely want to have kids. In my case, I'm ok with my two grown sons and at some point just want a serious relationship. I'll probably not remarry though.
I'm not mad at you. I'm mad that I have to spend two more days with the liar.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand. I had a ladyfriend this happened to. See lost her mind after it happened to her. So know you aren't alone.

[MrShaun]

It sounds like you've already made up your mind. I can't say I blame you, but I'm not in your particular situation.

I will say this: there are times when a spouse attempts to communicate with their other half and the communication falls on deaf ears. Communication and "working things out" can only happen if both people are willing. Unfortunately, the alternative can be the infidelity and the end of a marriage.

Regardless, I would try to examine the reason for the infidelity. It's an important start to a new life, so to speak. IF the reason came about because of issues on your part, it's something I'd consider or your new life will only likely end up like the old one.

[Asker]

I've already set up an appointment with a lawyer, demanded him divorce and presented him the evidence of his infidelity. It's actually worse. He admitted the other woman is expecting a child. She's 4 months pregnant.
He never tried communicating with me about any possible issues within our marriage. So that's his fault right there. I'm done with him.

[Dinklex3]

My friend’s mom got married last year at 56 🤗

My mom’s friend is in her late 50s and dates around. I think it’s pretty normal to see people date in their 50s. 2 of my coworkers in their 40’s went through divorce as well.

It’s never too late.! Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect you. You’ll find someone else.

[Asker]

I'm glad to hear your friend's mom found love. I can't wait till Sunday ends so I can start the divorce process soon.

[Dinklex3]

Good luck to you! Be strong! Everything will work out! ❤️

[Flatmanlewis]

I had similar circumstances where I had to start over at 36. It sucked but was absolutely worth it in the long run. Happiness & self-respect are not trivial things.


Sorry you are having to endure this pain. It’s unfortunate. Just learn from the process and be the best you can be from here on out. The hard part for me, was not letting the next one pay a price for the last one. You’ll need to work through some things to be ready for a new relationship.

[sheikalana]

Dear, my heart aches for you I'm really sorry. Terrible situation to be in. I wanted to say that you're not breaking up your family he's the one who committed a huge mistake and now he has to take full responsibility for his actions but you'll eventually be fine trust me. I can see that you're a mature strong woman. What exactly do you mean with starting over at 42? Starting a new career or a new life? I'm a bit confused.

[RealMarek]

It isn’t too late. I started over again around the same age and spent several years before even considering dating. There is always a risk of not finding a suitable match, but I found that there are worse things than being single before eventually meeting my girlfriend. What your husband did to you is terrible and I hope you find peace of mind. If your path forward brings you together with a man, I hope that you find a good man who will love you and be loyal to you.

[Anonymous]

I would take the time to assess whether he's learned anything from the experience, whether there is value left in the relationship. And ignore moral righteous or ego. Be smart. If you've raised your boys correctly, they are old enough to decide his actions for themselves. I would expect being single again in your 40s to be a hollow experience. Life is not over either way but you need to make sure you choose the best path forward and for the long term.

[Asker]

If there was any value left in our marriage, then he would've spoken to me if there were issues and we would've worked things out. The very moment he chose to have an affair (coming home with a smile on his like a coward and pretending all is great) is the moment he decided there was no value left anymore. Therefore there is nothing to work out at all. I want him out my life soon.

[Opinion Owner]

Well if the other woman is pregnant, that rather cements things. Sounds like you've made up your mind in any case.
Really bad that this has happened after 20 years and sounds like you have kids too. Nobody wins.

[Sweetbrunette305]

It is not too late to start over at any age really. A 42 year old woman is not old. I'm sorry for what happened to you!

[bobby_bush_eater]

No it's not too late. Infidelity is a ultimate break of trust. Forgiveness may be possible but that level of trust will never return

[Asker]

It is indeed and the interesting part is instead of making a scene, confronting him immediately and asking question why, I actually don't care about the reason. All that matter to me is he broke his marital vows. By cheating, I interpret that as him saying ''I want out of the marriage but don't tell you in your face because I'm a coward and a liar''.

[bobby_bush_eater]

That is exactly how I see that too. Not that I can fathom what you're feeling never having been married but I have been cheated on. To me it's an automatic sign it's over

[slatyb]

No, it's not too late. You probably have 40+ years left.

[Asker]

Two more days of tolerating the liar. Then after Sunday, I'll start the divorce process.

[DreamLife7]

Are you that desperate , insecure and hate yourself so much that you have to find someone immediately so that u won't be alone? That's the issue with you. Sounds like you hate your own company

[Asker]

No I'm not that desperate nor hate myself. If I would've been like you're stating then I would've been willing to take back a cheater but I'm not. I want our divorce finalized ASAP. Afterwards I'm going to take some time alone and then start dating when I'm ready. I'm not in a rush to start over. I'm in a rush to get that liar, fake person out of my life.

[DreamLife7]

Again, divorce finalized so you can date immediately. That's someone who is insecure, afraid to be alone because they hate themselves and their own company. Stop looking for people to fill your void.

[TacosRAwesome]

It's not too late to start over as long as you're realistic about what you are able to attract.

[WhyohWhy69]

Broken men will blame you. Don’t let them. There is no excuse for cheating.

[Asker]

Indeed there is no excuse whatsoever for cheating. I don't care for any reasons he has to say when I serve him the divorce papers. Nothing he ever does will ever make him want him again.

[handsomelad70]

H**L NO !!! As long as you live, you can begin afresh.