Why does my ex husband only want sex?

[Anonymous]

My ex husband cheated before we got married and I always felt like he had a naked eye towards other woman. I didn’t trust him. He didn’t respect me. I was raped and he use to throw it In my face and say “your dad fucked you”. I would always instigate and interrogate every time he went out until eventually 5 years into marriage he divroced me. He always threatened it. I’m still madly in love with him and when we see each other we always end up having sex. This last time we were about to and I asked him if he still loved me and he said absolutely not. We have been divorced for 3 months, seperated for 5 months. I’m still madly in love with him so I stopped. I just feel like an object for him to fuck. I am so hurt and don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Okay this is a complex one.

I guess first, I'm sorry you had to go through what you have (sorry it happened to you at all noone should need to suffer that).

So, unless its a religious or parental expectation no man gets married to a woman he doesn't feel he loves. Secondly, I don't know your ex husband so I can't well comment without making a few assumptions that might be wrong. So I'll say what I'll assume as I assume it.

I assume that he's not actively a jerk. You mentioned being Raped, it is a very tricky area and I hope not to be insensitive but reflect sympathy and that it was not right, the aftermath its emotionally dehbilitating for the victim and those who love the victim.

What's often not said about the affects of rape is the complex hurt of the lover who comes their love has been raped (one reason it doesn't often get said is because it's selfish to ever say, but it does sound like your ex might not see his own selfishnesses [again presuming he's not the jerk he sounds]).

My own ex-gf (and my first ever girlfriend) was raped after we met and before we both got together sexually ourselves, for the longest time I couldn't even think about that (without feeling like I would kill the people who did it, if I could). It tore me up, and I can't ever express how much or right; It tore me up though for good and bad reasons, firstly, I felt to blame (I wasn't, but I kept thinking what I did and didn't do, that I wasn't there all sorts of things, could I have made it so she never had to go through it? I wasn't there). Also, I am ashamed to admit, I was upset at her! A huge selfish part of me asked "Why did she have to get in that position!", said "This person has stolen what was meant to be ours". I'm not proud, she was the one going through the trauma of it, I logically knew that. Now, I'm a very self analytical person and I realise those are VERY selfish thoughts (and not what I want to be 'me')... but still, I know the feeling of wanting to blame the victim when upset and feeling angry and hurt. So lets assume your ex husband was just venting because he lamented that he wasn't there and couldn't help himsel. f blaming the victim (to try to understand the monstorous way threw your own rape in your face). It doesn't make it at all right he DID, but I can understand how part of us feels like the one we love should not have got themselves in such a position (but of course, its not like that, but the selfish part of a person can feel the hurt of the loss of that special moment in a selfish way, even if thats shameful.. sometimes the heart feels what it feels and the brain needs to train it to be better). He was absolutely wrong to say what he did to you, not trying to excuse him but offering maybe a way to understand that it might reflect his hurt at what happened in a jealous lover fashion (or he's a shitty jerk).

So, you always interrogated him when he went out? I understand your logic and emotion in that, especially after he said such things to you. Someone distrusting you for multiple years can leave them unable to feel a sense of love, even for someone they know they love.

Him saying "absolutely not", might be coming from a place of "I won't go back there". That means, he still does love you, but he's not in love with you now. there's an important difference between love and in love. When loving someone you care their happy, but when your in love with them, you need their happyness and want that happyness to selfishly involve them.

So, my point here is, if I assume right, I think he does love you and does care. I would guess he's not just having sex for the sake of having sex, but is still really into you, but just not wanting to go back to the being interrogated and untrusted. He may have even said that terrible thing because you maybe highlighted how he cheated on you before you where married. Perhaps he felt like you threw it in his face and thats why he threw your most hurtful moment in yours.

I wonder if you haven't loved each other in the wrong way, hurting one another for your flaws because you where both hurt by how much you loved each other and how hard the events going agsainst you felt.

Indeed, this feels like the explaination that would fit what I can see.

So I think you BOTH love each other still, but I think it will be very difficult for you both to undo the hurts you've delt one another.

So my answer is, your husband only wants sex because he remembers how horrible it felt to be distrusted for a mistake he made before you got married for your entire marriage and obviously felt like you threw it in his face, so threw your hurt in yours. So, he still has passion for you as a woman and still loves you, but is not in love with you and doesn't want to be because he feels you hurt him all those years. Though he hurt you badly at the outset then made it worse by throwing your weakness in your face as you threw his in his face.

If you can change and he wants to understand, maybe you can turn this around. Though the probability is, you've hurt one another too much and only fresh starts will seem to work, though wether those 'fresh starts' ever feel 'the same' is unknown.

If you love him and he's not fixed to someone else, just let him know you forgive him and are sorry, and also say how hurt you where when he threw your rape in your face when he did, but tell how you understand and forgive him. Then show him trust. If he still loves you too, that trust will mean the world, especially as he will know the reason he lost it (cheating on you) was his own fault and weakness.

I really hope I expressed this right as I hated to talk about my own mistakes, but I hope this help you.

[sean1234]

You 2 need to start over I think. He needs to see his flaws and comfort you for being raped, not make you feel bad. He need Jesus, you both need Jesus.

[strateguy632]

ex! block!