Am I wrong for leaving my girlfriend after she turned me down for my second proposal?

Question

I (41M) have been dating my ex girlfriend (39F) for nearly Six years. Our relationship was a good one. Two years ago I informed her family and friends I was going to propose to her while we were on a family vacation and received their blessing and well-wishes. The night I proposed, I tried to make the night as memorable and "perfect" as possible. I asked her after a nice dinner surrounded by the family, and she said "No, not yet anyways." I was quite hurt honestly and went back to our room to think things out and not overreact.

A few hours later she came to the room and asked me what was wrong and why I left the group. We had a fairly long conversation as to my feelings and her reason to deny my proposal. Turns out she didn't think I was ready for the commitment just yet. So I took her thoughts to heart and informed her I understand her reasoning, however I was raised in a way where "you take a no for a no, not a maybe next time."

She asked me to just wait a bit longer until we were in a stable place, and I agreed. Eight to ten months later she started dropping hints that she was ready to be married "I can't wait for our wedding... Our wedding is going to be spectacular... I am so looking forward to my dad walking me down the aisle"... etc. A little over a year since my first proposal, I decided to propose again, this time just us together after a wonderful date night. When I opened the ring box, she got really quiet and once again said "No, not yet... maybe a little more down the line."

After this second refusal, I was done. It sounds cold, but it was the truth. When we got back home, I slept in our guest bedroom and spent the rest of the night thinking of our relationship. The next morning she asked why I didn't sleep with her in our bedroom, and I told her the truth, and informed her that I think we need to end the relationship. I informed her that I take marriage very seriously, and I do not want to be lead on and this time, this no was the final no.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

I feel like I read the last page of a book that has a lot more contents in it... and some traumatic issues earlier in her life.

No its understandable because you don't know what else to do to get what it is you want.

But I wonder what was happening in that year in terms of talking and planning and figuring out what is going on. I wonder what her issue is... is she afraid and why? Does she agree being married is important?

Someone saying 'not yet' after 6 years is making an excuse to mask some deep rooted emotional issues. It is avoidance of some underlying issue... trauma/training. When she thinks about it... it's great... until she thinks? Someone has to find and eradicate that? to get past this.

If the work was done to figure out why she is having issues, then maybe could get past it... for it sounds like the rest of the relationship is very good. Without any work, I'm sure youd get the same answer next time.

Her friends don't know her... you do. Her friends only see her side of it and I gotta wonder what it is she said. She put her spin on it to avoid taking responsibility. THAT is a big red flag...

Congratulations... you are dating a wounded human, probably learned a few things. What you do about it is yoru choice. If you go back and try again or move on. It's a fork in the road.

Sorry you had to go through that. Maybe everyone dating should have a counselor. Some issues are deep and difficult to get to. Relationships turn up these issues.

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

man that's really rough dude. I can't blame you for being done with it after she said no twice, that's just messed up. I know sometimes girls think it's no big deal to say maybe later, but when it comes to something as serious as marriage, that's just playing games.

It was cool of you to give her a place to stay for a month after, you didn't have to do that. And all her friends and family bugging you about it, they weren't in your relationship, they don't know what you guys went through. Saying no to marrying someone is a big deal, she can't expect you to just wait around forever if that's something you really want in life.

I know breaking up is never easy, but you gotta do what's best for you in the end. It's not your fault if she wasn't ready to commit back. You tried twice! She had her chances. I know some people would maybe try to work things out longer, but honestly I don't blame you for being done with the relationship after being let down like that. It would be hard to trust she really wants to be with you after refusing marriage twice.

Her friends and fam will probably cool off eventually, right now they're just taking her side. But don't second guess yourself, you made the choice that was right for you and your future. Now you can meet someone who wants the same things and won't leave you hanging like that. Keep your head up man, you did the right thing for yourself and that's all that matters. Her loss, dude!

Caroline91 · Accepted Answer

I'm sure that feels really, really bad. Six years is a big chunk of your life to give to someone. I think it was reasonable for you to give it a bit more time after the first time, but with all of the encouragement for the second proposal, a "No" just doesn't make sense. I think women need to realize what a truly big deal it is to have a man propose to you. It is a huge step in commitment on his part and needs to be taken very seriously. Don't string him along, give him a definitive answer. As sad as it is, you have most likely done the best thing for yourself. I wish you joy and happiness in your life!

jojouzumaki · Accepted Answer

No you’re totally not. It’s not cool for her to waste your time. There’s a lot you’ll sure attract sooner or later that has same goal as you want.

Don’t bother yourself with whatever her family or friends is saying about you. Cut them off too it’s not worth it. You don’t ever exchange your character for your reputation.

Rosexøxø · Answer

No I didn’t even read this. Good for you man. No is a no.  You’ll find better.

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

I think she wasn't being honest with you from the start. She said no probably because she already knew she didn't want to "settle" on you, but she also still needed you for whatever you provided for her. She was just waiting for someone else more dazzling (to her) to come along and scoop her up. She would have cheated on you, and then left you broken and bitter.

Good for you setting a boundary and sticking to it.

bolverk · Answer

No you are not wrong. She turned you down the first time, then 8-10 months after  she  starts making wedding noises, you offer again and she turns you down again and you were do n e. As for  her  friends and family - Ignore them if anyone is 'heartless' and 'callous '  it is her not you, and it sounds as sheo is commitment phobic.

DextroShade · Answer

She is obviously too insecure to commit and would prefer to play stupid games. You made the right call dropping her ass. Block her and all her bitch friends, work on yourself and find a younger woman with less baggage. Unlike her, you have time.

seth900 · Answer

Either she doesn't know yet she wants to marry you or your the one or she has some trauma, scared to committ. If you asked her to marry twice and she rejected you. Its clear she is not ready or doesn't know what she wants. She is wasting your time

jshm2 · Answer

Son, what the fuck were you even playing at, dating for six years?

Of course she isn't going to marry, when she has all your benefits commitment free!

Ditch her and move on, else continue being her support animal.

Decoded93 · Answer

You sound like a really good dude and she wasted valuable time for you, I hope you find someone soon

itsannalee · Answer

If your goal is to get married, and she is not, then nust move on. Find someone with the same interest, goal and intention.

McLlovin · Answer

Good job. Dont let external people shame you for making a decision that really don’t effect them.

Unit1 · Answer

no, you are not wrong on this. You acted accordingly. Nothing more, nothing less. Her family members and friends however have shown their true and ugly sides to you.

SolitarySolace · Answer

No, If your goal is to get married and she keeps declining you’re more than obligated to kick her to the curb

noohair · Answer

I believe you did the correct thing for you. I would not care what other people think, they are not you. Good Luck.

Anonymous · Answer

You are not the same page. Move on.

Am I wrong for leaving my girlfriend after she turned me down for my second proposal?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said