Am I the bitch for yelling at my ADHD boyfriend and dumping him?

[Anonymous]

I’ve never even heard of ADHD until I met this guy, in fact I’m not even sure it’s a real disorder or he’s just using it as an excuse for his lazy and lackadaisial behavior. We’ve been dating about 10 months, I live in NYC he lives on Long Island. We’re supposed to get together for his birthday. I gave him two options for transportation: he either takes the Long Island Rail Road to my house in Queens and we subway in to manhattan together or he just takes the LIRR to Manhattan and I meet him there. I tell him “do what’s easier for you”. He opts to for the latter, then he misses the train. So I text him “are you running on time?” And he answered “not quite” and then I realized he missed it. He calls me and tells me that and I yelled at him, because I tried to make it easy for him and he still fucked up. Then he gets into the city, he calls me and gives the meeting location. I get there and he’s not there. I called him and he gave me the wrong location. So I yelled at him again (I literally said “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR BRAINS?”). Mind you, this is the first time in 10 months that he’s ever messed up other than minor forgetfulness, but with me, one time is too many. I’m a strict perfectionist so in my opinion if it happens once it will keep happening.

And on top of that, he’s 43 years old, works two nonprofit jobs and still lives with his mother saying he can’t afford rent on Long Island. That’s crap. I work full time in retail. I’ve lived on my own since I was 18. I make minimum wage, I pay $2,000 rent, I pay my bills, I’m paying off a truck, and I take care of three dogs. I still have money. I can do it so can he. So I tell him “we’re not taking this to the next level until you’re living independently. Paying your own bills, paying mommy rent and taking care of mommy doesn’t cut it. You and your mom are to codependent on each other”. He tells me moving out means his mom gets thrown on the street. I answer “then it’s not going to work”.

Updates

10 mo

He asks “why? You knew about my ADHD and my housing situation so why is it a problem now?” I answer “yes I knew, but I saw potential and I hoped that I could challenge you to grow up and get your own place, but clearly that’s not happening. You’re just going to keep living off your mom until she passes and then you’ll live off of whatever woman you’re with. I’m going to have to hold your hand through everything and I don’t have time for that. I want a man, not someone like you

Updates

10 mo

Who has an adult body and kid mentality.” On top of that I had to tell him 6 times how ti work the NY subway app and he still couldn’t get it. He blames the damn disorder. And then he says he’s in a pissed off mood, which I don’t deal with so I tell him “okay date’s over now”. Then he undertipped our waitress and when I called him out on that he says he’s not thinking right and it’s my fault”. Then later he tells me “it’s better we’re breaking up. Most guys don’t want a “fat pig in heels”.

[Anonymous]

okay, i see the frustration, i hate when people aren't on time, IF it keeps happening again and again and again. i know someone who i can't trust with timing because they are ALWAYS late. always. always always. now that is understandable to get annoyed at. sometimes i even say a time way earlier than i want to meet because they won't meet at that time anyways. i have to be the responsible one, etc. it's exhausting.

BUT he literally only did this once. you said so yourself. "this is the first time in 10 months that he’s ever messed up other than minor forgetfulness, but with me, one time is too many. I’m a strict perfectionist so in my opinion if it happens once it will keep happening."

one mistake is one too many? really? chill out, girl. if you're this strict and that much of a perfectionist, then date someone like you. why did you even start dating him if you didn't like that he lives with his mom and can't afford rent? (which is understandable in 2025 nyc, to be honest...). you were the one who wasted 10 months when it doesn't even seem like you like this guy anyways as you are bashing him on here. you're not going to like this but this seems more like a "you" problem than a "him" problem. you thought you could change him? no one needs to be changed unless they themselves want to change. that was your first mistake. both of you are just immature in the way you handle situations.

[Asker]

I live in this city too, and I live alone, and I work a minimum wage retail job, have a car that I’m paying off, pay my bills and I take care of dogs. Yes it’s expensive here but I’m making it by myself, so I think it’s only reasonable that I expect whatever guy I’m dating to do the same. Growing up I was taught never get serious with anyone still living with his mother after 30. I don’t want to be the adult in the relationship.

I kept seeing him because I saw potential in him and I wanted to challenge him to change but I also realized the other day it’s not going to happen.

[alli-112]

ADHD is a very real thing and plenty of what you described here actually does line up fairly well with ADHD symptoms. Don't get me wrong, he's still responsible for his own actions (including calling you names), but it's important to understand that meeting your standards is probably unrealistic for him just because his brain functions so differently. He's not an inherently lazy or bad person just for being ADHD.

Yelling is a bad, but breaking up with someone you're incompatible with is fine. It does sound a bit like, from here at least, that you have unrealistic standards of behavior for a partner, but frankly I don't know any of the context, etc of your experiences so I can't actually make that judgement. Just something to be mindful of moving forward.

[Asker]

I mean, he kept on apologizing to me, then rationalizing the disorder (and sorry to say I still don’t think it’s a real disorder), saying “that’s why I kept messing up”. Like I said it’s the first time in the entire 10 months he ever messed up but the way I see it if it happens once, it’ll happen again. I don’t want to deal with him fucking up again. My standards are too high? Yes, I do have extremely high standards but if I can support myself financially and make very little mistakes, then I’m well within my rights to want someone who fits those standards. He was using the fake disorder to avoid responsibility for his actions. As for him calling me names, granted I called him a kid in an adult body and told him he’s too incompetent to live independently. That was me being honest, not insulting. It’s not mean if it’s true. Him calling me a fat pig in heels was him going tit for tat with me for revenge. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re being too harsh on him

[Anonymous]

Yeah he’s a loser with his mom at that age , unless she’s sick

[Asker]

For real. Yeah it’s expensive living in NY but people do it. Yeah it’s hard to afford rent here, but better to live indefinitely and struggle than live with your parents or roommates and have it easier. I have female friends who live this way too and cry it’s too expensive. I tell them put their big girl pants on and move out anyway. Women who live this way are losers too.

Sick parents or financially struggling parents are no excuse. If they’re sick, tell them to get a home health aide or go to a nursing facility. And it’s not on the kids to financially take care of parents. I basically told him “well either throw your mom on the street or lose your girlfriend”.

[Opinion Owner]

Do you know how expensive nursing homes are?

[DryGermanGuy]

Gtfo, troll.

[jahaims]

You're just a cunt