Can this relationship with my alcoholic, abusive boyfriend be saved without breaking up?

Question

I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 22. We’ve been together for a year and living together for five months. The same day we moved in together, he got fired and was unemployed for three months, so I had to support both of us. He finally got a part-time job at McDonald’s a month ago, but during that whole time he was living off me and drinking heavily. He’s an alcoholic, and when he drinks he calls me names, insults me, yells at me, and stays in a bad mood all the time. We don’t sleep in the same room, there’s barely any affection, no cuddling, and no real intimacy, which really hurts me.

His car also got repossessed two months ago, so now he has to borrow my car. If I don’t let him use it, he gets angry and acts like I’m doing something wrong. When he gets drunk and loud at night, I ask him to be quiet because I don’t want us to get evicted, and he’ll yell that he doesn’t care if he gets us evicted. That makes no sense to me because he has nowhere else to go—he can’t stay with his mom, I don’t think his friends would take him in, and he also has a large aggressive dog. I do a lot for him and provide almost everything, so I don’t understand why he’s so unappreciative, mean, and careless toward me.

I care about him, but I feel hurt, drained, and stuck. Everyone keeps telling me to leave for my mental health, but I’m scared to break up because I don’t want to go back into the dating world. I just don’t know if this relationship can be fixed or if I’m holding onto something that’s already gone.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

You have to understand something I understand that you like the guy to a point but I guarantee you it's not going to work ever if he's still drinking and I don't think he's going to stop for a while he has more things to lose he has to that bottom even deeper

But I can hear it and feel it in your words this is not you this is you don't want to be put in this position you shouldn't have to be put in this position and you need to make a choice because his choice is going to keep doing what he's doing and you're going to have to be the one that says I'm not doing this no more I'm worth way more than this too many men

The first day that he got away with doing what he's doing led to the second and the third and the fourth and the fifth and the 6th and will just keep going and going until it snowballs out of control he's not going to take any responsibility for it he's going to blame you you're giving up everything that you're working for to try to make something else work and it's not worth it let him go and you prove to yourself how much you love you and how much you love him by letting him go but I guarantee you it's not going to work you are a good person you have a good heart and you're loyal and I think you're just about done with all that that's the reason why you're asking this question

There's a lot of things that I could tell you but it's not worth it I mean because it's up to you to do what you want because it is all about you it's not about him it's about you and you doing the right thing for yourself he's not going to do anything for himself not at the moment not for a while probably but the only way that it could actually work is he would have to do a lot of things and he's not willing to do that so you have to make that choice for the both of you especially you

genericname85 · Accepted Answer

maybe it's theoretically possible but i don't see a good reason why you should waste your life for a deadbeat boyfriend.

don't invest into relationships on the basis of "what you hope they could become". invest based on what they are. and if your boyfriend is an abusive alcoholic, then what else do you need to finally leave them?

shoeboxcerealcard · Accepted Answer

Resurrection of your relationship is definitely something that is possible. However, you both have to begin to make some changes. If you and him apply brutal discipline your relationship can take a 180 degree turn.

Does he want to change?
Look nobody wakes up and wants to self sabotage their life...
He definitely wants a change and to live a good life.

If both of you begin to treat each other good in all situations your relationship will shift.
If he quits drinking your relationship will shift.

With all that said, it's important to realize you're 22 and might not understand yet how much your emotions are affecting your decision. You're staying there due to your emotions not logic.

Once you leave, you will realize how much your emotions were controlling you.

Many people will say it's impossible but I've seen it. It's just most won't suffer through the uncomfortable feelings that take place when you're changing yourself.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

Someone who is alcoholic and abusive, and using you is no one for you to be with. See a counselor and get out of this living situation immediately, if you can.

You cannot help him, and he will continue to be abusive because his brain is pickled with alcohol. You will never get intimacy or anything else from this man. He needs to get in rehab.

But, right now, he is a danger to you. If you can get out of this lease, do it. Take care of yourself. This guy is a user. When he hits rock bottom, maybe he'll start being an adult. Do not waste your time. You cannot help or save him. Only HE can.

Find a counselor to help you through this tough time. Good luck.

NoDecision · Answer

Sounds like you already know what you have to do. Don't let him sponge off you anymore. It's time he took responsibility for his own actions. If you "put up with it" he will never change. I'm thinking he loves booze more than you.

Veronika_p · Answer

Just leave, there's no way he's going to change!!! Girl don't you watch the news? Are you not scared?

molonski2 · Answer

Save yourself.. Please get outta there , this is only going to escalate into something far worse.

dudeinohio · Answer

Doubtful. Abusers ALWAYS escalate. Things get worse, never better. Its best you leave the relationship.

bowenw · Answer

I have a feeling you will never be more important to him that his one true love, alcohol, and it will only get worse as he gets older.

WhitneySnow · Answer

You should leave and take some time to be single for a while. It’s not so bad.

AngryCarl3 · Answer

What's up with women wanting to stay in toxic relationships?

Anonymous · Answer

No. But your 22 and like a lot of young women won't get tired of the drama until you are 30.

Staglioni · Answer

He needs to fix himself first and only he can do it, not you or anyone else.

Staximus · Answer

Why are you holding onto this piece of shit

Anonymous · Answer

You already know what you need to do and that's to leave him

spartan55 · Answer

You girls sure can find the assholes...🙄

QuineJessica · Answer

I would say it's better break with him

Nikki1989 · Answer

Nope. Let it go.

FrodoSkywalker007 · Answer

You need to leave him. Please ☺

MrChinaski · Answer

Walk.  You can't change him.

exitseven · Answer

he sounds like a lost cause.

blackeagle007 · Answer

Why help him if he won’t help himself

Anonymous · Answer

Absolutely not leave while able

jahaims · Answer

Lmfao

Can this relationship with my alcoholic, abusive boyfriend be saved without breaking up?

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