My alcoholic/constantly relapsing boyfriend is destroying our life and his. Help! Can anyone give me any advice?

[Hayhaytea]

Its really getting old. He's relapsed 6 times in the past 2 years. Every time things get hard... boom, he drinks. I'm 5 years sober from opiates and in no way do I want to use. Now, we have an 11 month old together and I left my job to stay home when I had him so I have been completely supported by him for the past 11 months. I have nothing of my own anymore. Not even a car in my name, even though one was mine. My name isn't on our house we bought a year ago either. I don't want to uproot my son, again, from his home... it's not fair to him at all. But I can't keep doing this. He gets loud and verbally abusive. Name calling, punching walls... it's not a healthy environment. My mother lives in a small condo with no room for us so staying there for long term isn't an option. I just don't know what to do. I have made our home a home for all of us... and now I feel like I need to leave what I've built. I'm sitting here crying thinking about starting over, again. I guess I just need advice right now... words of wisdom... a little direction... I'm lost right now. I've taken his keys coz well he likes to drive drunk and it scares me. He's more concerned with making sure his family doesn't find out than how his yelling, swearing and verbally attacking me in front of our son is affecting him. I'm so sick of all this.

Updates

+1 y

Update: he was drunk again
I took my son and left him. He trapped us at the top of our stairs and was screaming at me and calling me all sorts of names, all while I was holding my son. We ran out and I brought him to my mother's so I could go back and get the baby's things. He called the cops on me but it backfired... they allowed, me to leave with '"his " car and get a few of the baby's things and a change of clothes for myself. This is horrible. About 75% of the stuff in that house is mine.

[Peaches697413]

Hi there I am also a addict as I was reading your post I relate to you and how your feeling because we are just alike only difference is our story is a little different I've been in your shoes I am in your shoes I apply this prayer meditation in every area of my life by saying God grant me the serenity to except the things I can not change the courage to change things I can and the wisdom to know the difference amen. Pray get a support group get a sponsor or whatever means that helps you know in your heart you can't help someone who can't help themselves or don't want it, it's not healthy for your child to be there plus you don't want your child growing up becoming like his father or think its ok to act this way because it's all they know. Give your child the chance to know this behavior is not acceptable, I probably would seek professional help on what's the right route to go material things are replaceble lives are not it's never easy know your worth. Give yourself a break you did everything you could find it in your heart to forgive so you can move on hold your head up high you've looked down far too long. Know your never alone ever. Thank you for having the courage to share a part of your story I appreciate that and needed to hear it, just know this is the beginning not the end. When one door closes so another one can open. Thank God you didn't quit before the miracle happens the greatest gift of all you are helping other still suffering addicts out there. Proud of you and I love you my sister. I hope you find some confront in my words and there was some useful tools to help you God bless you and your family my prayers are with you please feel free to message me anytime if ever you need to just talk. Sincerely Angela

[Anonymous]

Leave now. I stayed for years. My ex was not abusive but would not go get treatment for his traumas he masked with alcohol. I loved him when I left hoping that would be the catalyst for him to change but it wasn't.

Go talk to a therapist on the best way you can do this. If he had only relapse one time I'd say give him some grace but 6 times requires a wake up call for him. To be honest verbal abuse probably makes the relationship not fixable even if he were to quite permanently. Too much water under the bridge.

I won't say thing are fantastic now but at least I don't have someone who walks around drunk every night. It's more peaceful. 1 in 9 women leave their alcoholic spouses. 9 in 10 men leave their alcoholic spouses. I thought I was weak but I was the 1 out 9. Go find a therapist next week and come up with a plane.

[yucychan]

Gonna be frank with you on this one. He's not gonna change. If he could change, he would have done so 2 years back or when he knew you were pregnant with his kid.
It's not gonna be easy but you have to leave. He's toxic and if you continue to stay with him, there's gonna be a day when he lays his hands on your kid. You really do not want to see that.
You could stay in a women's' shelter for the time being if your mum's place really is unavailable. Just don't stay with that guy anymore.

[NearlyNapping]

I had an alcoholic girlfriend for 18 years. I kept hoping she'd change, but it never happened. I also drank pretty heavy and did a lot of drugs when I was younger.

If you recovered from opiates you know full well that he will quit only when he is ready to quit. You also know it may never happen. It's not something you can wait on, with the assumption that some day he will quit.

With the kid it makes things so much more difficult. With him apparently being in control of the money and house makes it even more difficult.

I really don't have a good solution for you. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You need to look out for yourself and your child as number one priorities. You can try an ultimatum, but will an ultimatum work when the alcohol is in control?

You might have to leave. If he starts to get abusive then you MUST leave. There are shelters out there. Find them now. Even if you haven't decide to leave, you should know your options now. Do your homework and explore your options while you still have some choices, instead of waiting until you are forced to do it.

Pull back and try to get a clear head. Try to keep your emotions completely out of it, and explore your options with a clear rational mind. Think of contingency plans, and the steps needed to get there. This not only allows you to make better decisions, it also gives you more confidence than you would have while emotionally involved and in a near panic. Take a deep breath and look at things as objectively as possible.

You need to have confidence in yourself. You are stronger than you think. You were strong enough to kick opiates. You are strong enough to do this too.

[LoU_Hades]

For alcoholics it's very difficult to leave the addiction circle because alcohol is a social acceptable drug and always available if you compare it to heroin. It seems that your boyfriend isn't willing to stop drinking, hence I don't think you can help him but there is big escalation potential that can be dangerous for you and your son.
Most alcoholics considered to commit suicide with help of alcohol, you're a part of this game in its bad moments and short moments of hope. However, you can't change the self-destructive direction in your current position as the victim in this addiction circle.
Maybe you should take the bitter pill of reality and leave him.

[OlderAndWiser]

Call your local battered women's shelter. You need to have actually been hit before you can receive services from them. They handle situations like this routinely and can get you pointed in a healthier direction.

[OlderAndWiser]

I intended to say you DO NOT need to have been hit before you receive services. The threat of violence should be sufficient to qualify you for services.

[ohshee]

The best thing you can do for you and him is to get out,, make him prove to u who he really wants to be in life. He needs to find himself and he needs to do it alone by himself ,, and as for you once you leave its your time to find your self again ,, in many ways you are lost to because u have had to change for him but in all the bad ways. I dont many anything bad about this. And u won't understand until your away from him and watch the old you and new you come together even stronger. You all ready know what you have to do thats the reason for this post if you want to chat when im on send me a message and when i get on i will answer

[Capnjaques]

Congratulations on 5 years! I'm really sorry you're going through this, it sounds like you're having a really hard time. It's sad that you're boyfriend is being abusive towards you and by proxy your child. That he's choosing alcohol over his family.

I really need to get to sleep so I'll check back in the morning, but how receptive is he to having an adult conversation when he's not drinking? What kinda things is he getting so angry about? Can you think of any reason in particular that he's drinking like that?

[mellowman]

Sorry to hear. I have a family full of various addicts. This was over my entire life. The advice we got from AA is to let them hit bottom and not try to protect them, this allows them the possibility of re regaining themselves.

In my opinion someone has to go. You or him. You may have more rights than you realize if you are cohabitating but that is all state and local. He is harming your child regardless of whether it is physical or not. Call an agency or women;s shelter but get some space while you can. I hope the best for you and hop you will post something later telling us what happened.

[StudioJoe]

If this is a true picture of your current situation Hayhaytea, I would do 2 things. First: ask yourself if becoming involved with abusive alcoholics is a familiar pattern in all your relationships with the opposite sex. If the answer is "yes", then you are probably an enabler. The loser you're living with needs an emotional punching bag and you are that bag. The enabler at some level gets a twisted satisfaction out of being in this deadend situation and doesn't become involved with healthy balanced guys who have a future, only with "problem" guys that need "fixing". It's a losing proposition. 2nd: if this is your first ever encounter with an confirmed substance abuser, then GET OUT! You will only be guaranteeing yourself a lifetime of grief and anguish (and possibly physical danger) if you stay in it. Remember this is your only shot at life and you don't want to blow it. There are no "Reset" buttons.

[Blueeyes81]

Dosen't sound like he's ready to get sober. You and I know it won't work if there is any doubt about it. You're not doing any of you any favors by staying. Not you, not your son, and not your boyfriend. Seek a shelter or alanon for help. He'll only get worse until he hits rock bottom and you leaving may just speed that up. It sucks but thats the breaks.

[Unit1]

34 and doesn't know, that fallen people like him won't change. Not to mention the abuse.
That's exactly what you get for giving up your independence and then "teaming down" with a degenerate and then getting pregnant by one.

That's all the advise I have.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

Hey bud, just cause someone suffers from addiction doesn’t mean they should be labeled a failure for the rest of their lives.

There are PLENTY of successful people who at one point were utterly hopeless in their addiction.

You should read up on guys like Robert Downey Jr, Eminem, Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman. Especially RDJ, he was the laughingstock of Hollywood at one point.

[Unit1]

@HopelessRomantic2119 i don't shame people for dealing with an addiction because that would make me a hypocrite. I shame people for not even making a real effort to break free of the harmful addiction, that not only hurts themselves but the others in the environment too. And i Shame people, who keep being involved with them despite the abuses.

Everyone has at least a binary choice in it: Being Together with a degenerate or being alone.

[Anonymous]

As a recovering alcoholic myself, who is dating someone in recovery, I can only imagine what you’re going through.

When he gets sober, does he work a 12 step program?

If so, does he have any friends or a former sponsor you can reach out to?

What happens when he puts the plug in the jug? Like, does he string together a few months of sobriety?

[monkeynutts]

Hugs, it's a hard call, I have quit for a month, but I don't have a partner or a child to worry if my habits affect their lives, I'm doing it to improve my fitness, discipline, and mental clarity, and it's annoying because I would do anything to have a wife, house and a child. I would not see the point to going out and getting really drunk. I generally drink water between a few beers anyway. And don't believe being abusive to the ones you love can be condoned for any reason.

[djmzes]

Simple

[Cannuck22]

Well hate to state the obvious you have to leave. This guy is a piece of shit and you and your child staying there is dangerous. It’s a matter of time before something serious happens. you have let this go on too long. You need help. I’d contact a support group in your area and see what can be done.

[OddBeMe]

Those cops are awesome. And you need to stay far away from this man. Are you married? If so you will get half plus child support. Take copies of the police reports, and anything else that proves his drinking, assault. This may be the only way to save him. Make a judge say to him “If you want to see you child again, get sober, asshole.”

[fantasticass]

I suggest you contact your local women's shelter and get out of that situation. My ex is a drunk. I kicked him out, because I was tired of the bullshit. The abuse gets worse not better. Leave him. You and your child deserve a better life. ✌

[nerms123]

You’re a codependent enabler. Get therapy. Contact some free women’s services and friends or family and get the hell out before you waste your entire life and ruin your child’s life in the process.

[nerms123]

Good job girl! You can usually get the cops to help you get your stuff back. I also suggest you get a restraining order. Good luck and stay STRONG.

[jsheh]

Your number one concern should be your child and yourself get to a safe environment and then try to deal with him.

[jsheh]

Well its good to hear you and your child are safe. Thats awesome the cops helped you out. Wishing you the best

[Iron_Man]

That's really really bad I would highly recommend you get him in a place like the Betty Ford Clinic right now
A place where he stays overnight no matter if he likes it or not

[maxgdek]

Leave him immediately... You don't want to be around if he wants to kill somebody... I tell you the truth you can do better... too many women stay too long and one up getting buried underground after the boyfriends kill them

[NerdInDenial]

You have to leave; there are plenty of female shelters for abusive homes. You can google it.

[bulletbob555]

This isn't helping anyone. You need to stay on the wagon and park it in a different barn. Your child has a father yes but its still toxic

[Hawk4225]

Give him a seizure disorder then he won't be able to drink.