"Why do girls always go for the bad boys?" "Girls say that they want a nice guy but they don't date ME!" Okay, first thing, make sure you're not whining. Unless you've found a fetish website for whiners, it may be one of the least attractive things you can ever do.
So you're a nice guy (or let's assume for the sake of this article that you are and aren't just fooling yourself). But girls are never romantic with you. If you're lucky, you're the best-est of platonic friends. How does this happen? You show so much respect to women! You do everything they ask! You're so thoughtful and sweet! You're kind and considerate! You may even be funny and smart! What girl WOULDN'T want to date you?
Well, you'll make a great boyfriend and a great husband. But when you first talk to a girl you like, they're probably not thinking that far ahead, or if they are, you have to make yourself a possibility of sexual affection, because sex is the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship (I understand there are friends with benefits, but between a romantic relationship and a friendship, you'll have to agree that one tends to involve sex and one doesn't).
And the way you do this is flirting. And flirting is FUN! You may be scared to do it or not know how, but there have to be fun things in your life you were once afraid/ignorant of and now you love to do.
Flirting is the game where you playfully tease each other back and forth. It's always about putting the ball back in the other person's court. And flirting is NOT being a dick! You're not denigrating her or trying to hurt her self-esteem. Poking fun is not the same as being mean.
Flirting is important because it accomplishes two goals:
- It challenges and intrigues a woman. Part of nice guy syndrome is that they put the woman up on a pedestal which means they are, by the very nature of elevation, are lower than the woman. You're no longer equals and what woman wants a guy who doesn't consider himself worthy enough for her affection? A guy who feels like he has to earn affection by performing acts of servitude?
Nice guys: if you're willing to work for this girl's affection, you're already WORTHY! You don't have to prove it. You're a GOOD PERSON and you DESERVE HAPPINESS. Why shouldn't she have to work just as hard for your affection?
- It expresses sexual interest. You don't have to be crass or explicit but you must show yourself as a sexual being. This takes subtlety and experience and you won't get it completely right the first time but you probably won't get it completely wrong either.
"If you truly respect these women and feel that they're worthy of your affection, then DON'T BORE THEM! "
If you've seen Knocked Up, then you'll remember the part where Jason Segel tells Leslie Mann "Try not to stare." That's PERFECT! It demonstrates confidence doesn't condescend, and is implicitly sexual. And if you're really having trouble having to play that kind of confidence, watch someone who is confident and imitate them. I like to think of myself as Sawyer when he was playful with Kate in the first couple seasons of LOST.
If you truly respect these women and feel that they're worthy of your affection, then DON'T BORE THEM! Challenge them! Engage them! They're worth it and so are you.