I Don't Date Outside My Race


I Don't Date Outside My Race

Have you ever heard someone say, "I don't or haven't dated outside my race." It makes some people's hairs rise on the back of their necks and others simply shrug in agreement. What does this mean however, when someone says I just don't or haven't dated outside my race. Does that make them racist? Does that make them old fashioned? Is it just their preference? Can this change or be changed? I'll use some examples to try an show you the differences.

1) Joe is white and has never dated anyone else who wasn't white.

In this hypothetical Joe grew up in a small town in Montana which was 98% white. His parents were both white, his friends were all white, his teachers, his boss, and his first girlfriends, all white. There were no issues with racism as Joe didn't actually have contact with any one that wasn't white and so Joe's only options in his town if he wanted to date and have a girlfriend, were to date white women. All of his attractions therefore were to white women. All the adults, friends, family he knew, were all dating or married to white women. This became his blueprint in his mind for what he knew and loved. Now as an adult, Joe, having only known life dating and being infatuated with white women, dates white women. So Joe goes off to College in California where he is exposed to other minorities for the first time, but in terms of dating he still goes back to what he knows and knows he loves which is white women.

In this example we could have made Joe black or any other race, but I do not believe Joe is a racist here for not dating outside his race. To me this would be no different than if Joe were Catholic and had only gone to Catholic church all his life and suddenly someone said to him, why aren't you Jewish or why don't you go to the Synagogue.

I Don't Date Outside My Race

2) Jessica is black. She grew up in New York in a very diverse neighborhood. She has dated outside of her race.

Jessica's parents are both black. Her friends are a mix of all different races. The community she grew up in was one that didn't frown on dating outside your own race. Most people dated outside their race anyway. Her parents have no problem with it and neither do her friends. Jessica has dated in and outside of her race. Having grown up with all the exposure to different races and cultures, she doesn't even think twice or have a single blueprint for what she thinks is attractive.

In this example, I think largely because Jessica has been exposed to so many different races and cultures and they have been portrayed to her in a positive light, she is free to, and freely dates outside of her race. Couple that with approving parents, and she sees no problem with this. However, she may have a problem with what she percieves is Joe's attitude towards dating outside his race, but if she had been the "Joe" in the first example, she may have grown up feeling the same way he does, not out of racism, just out of being a product of your upbringing because Jessica to is a product of her upbringing.

I Don't Date Outside My Race

3) Namrata is Indian. She grew up in a diverse neighborhood in Chicago. She dated one person outside of her race, but has only otherwise dated her own race.

Namrata's parents are both Indian. Growing up they impressed upon her the absolute importance of dating only Indian men. Everyone in her family is Indian and married to or dating another Indian. Seeing that her friends dated and mixed between the races and her friends are fine with it, she tries to date a guy outside of her race. Her parents find out and forbid it. They warn her of the dangers of dating people who are not Indian. Her mother explains a few incidents she had with the boy's race and how she thinks her new boyfriend will be exactly the same. They emphasize the purity in dating someone who is Indian. After a few weeks of pressure from her entire family, she relents and goes on to only date those inside her race.

In this example, its not that Namrata is racist but with disapproving parents putting the pressure on her, rather than deal with that, she has chosen to abide by their rules. Having grown up in this atmosphere for her parents and there parents, etc. this is the life they know where no one is allowed to date outside their race maybe partially due to racism but also because despite living in diverse places, the culture or their race still emphasizes the importance of continuing the heritage, language, culture and race. Despite her parents objections, Namrata felt comfortable in dating outside her race intially because she got her peer groups approval, and no one saw a problem with it until her parents found out. Parents hold a lot of sway sometimes over our lives and who we date. Namrata doesn't feel as though she is superior to any other race, but won't date outside her race because she doesn't want to deal with the constant either racism from her parents, going against their will, or having to deal with what she is made to feel will be constant battles over the differences of her non Indian race boyfriend.

I Don't Date Outside My Race

4) Michael is Hispanic. He grew up in minority rich small town in Texas.

Michael's parents always wanted him to do better than they did in life. All around them there were gangs, and drugs, and people dropping out of school. They impressed upon him that he was better than those around him. His only exposure to other minorities left a bad taste in his mouth. His parents only allowed him to date certain other Hispanic girls who were linked to the church he and his family attended, but no one else. Everyone else was portrayed to him as being trash and unhealthy for him which many of them actually were. Michael grows up and will not date any other minorities. He thinks that they are all clearly like the scum he grew up around. When the topic comes up with friends, he makes comments to the fact that those other race girls are just all trouble makers, and drug dealers, who will ruin his life and who have no desire to do better in life like he has, and so he will only date Hispanic girls who are clearly what he feels are much better than everyone else even if he sees and knows of other race girls who are not like the scum he grew up with.

In this example when someone like Michael starts saying all of another race are (filler) and therefore he or she won't date anyone else, you do start to get into racism territory. It's one thing to have a preference, but when you start roping in an entire race as being one thing, and therefore you won't ever date them, then there is an issue there because people are individuals and should be treated as such. I would in no way imply that Michael or anyone else has to date someone outside their race, but when you make statements like this about someone's entire race as being viewed as inferior to you, then I think people are going to try and call you out on your racism and rightly so.

I think all in all you have to start actually listening to what people are saying. If someone prefers to date one race, that is their preference. If they have no problems with other races, don't make racist remarks, have minority friends, then its hard to stand up and say to them, you are racist for having never dated someone outside your race. Assume that either that person just has a preference or perhaps they've never met the right other raced person that they would want to date. Contrast to the Michael's of the world that for any host of reasons from growing up like he did, or friends and family being racist or saying racist things about other women/men a person like him might want to date and him starting to believe it as truth about everyone, is that form of racism. However, in the long run you nor I can convince anyone to date someone that they don't want to date. So even if you call Michael out on his racism, doesn't mean he's going to discover not being racist and start dating other minorities anymore than Joe, or Namrata, or Jessica might just date her own race. We like who we like in the end, and there's probably not much that is going to change that.

I Don't Date Outside My Race
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Most Helpful Girl

    makes sense.
    i don't know which scenario i belong to.
    i grew up in several diverse areas and also spent a year in a primarily caucasian small town. moved around, new school almost every year. i had crushes on classmates without regard to race but didn't date until around 15. my mother (who is east asian) strongly encouraged, nagged and tried everything to make me realize that caucasian men are the obvious choice and anything else is selling myself short and would only lead to doom. my father (who is caucasian) never told me who to date and never judged me for my choices. upon reaching puberty i only found east Asian men physically attractive and it may or may not have been because there were so many in the area i lived in. to date haven't found other races of men attractive enough to want to even try anything physical with. i'm not against it, i just haven't seen any good ones.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guy

  • Anonymous
    I dont have a problem dating a girl from another 'race'. (Im mixed btw)
    She only has to be attractive enough for me to consider dating.

    I dont see anything being racist about not dating other 'races', only if you dont find them attractive. However if you do find a girl attractive, but you dont want to date them for the sake of dating in your own race, then yes, thats kinda racist
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • ElissaDido
    I also hear people saying they would only marry within their Nationality and even city!!! I personally think that nowadays it's very hard to find someone who thinks the same as I do and who shares my values and to who I am attracted. If I also have to add ethnicity in the requirements I think I would wnd up alone. That's why I don't care about ethnicity and I actually like someone from another ethnicity right now...
  • Stacyzee
    The entire phrasing is bad.

    "I don't date outside of my race" makes it seem as if you feel you are better than those races or you find them un-attractive.

    If you were to say, "I've never dated outside of my race" that sounds much better.
    It strikes curiosity in a person.
    It usually leads the follow up question to be, "Why?" or "Are you open to it?"

    Whereas "I don't date outside of my race" is enough to make anyone draw a conclusion or raise a brow.
    • Stacyzee

      People can argue otherwise but basing an assumption off of a statement is human nature"

      If I were to say, "I don't eat fish". vs. "I've never had fish".
      The last statement is going to make me seem as if I'm probably open to it, whereas the first statement makes it seem as if I closed eating fish completely off.

    • Anonymous

      The title is simply meant to get your attention. It's not a personal declaration. Aside from that I've heard the title uttered on more than one occasion in my life on GaG and otherwise, so I find it to be accurate for the purposes of the discussion that follows.

    • Stacyzee

      Okay... well getting my attention sure worked.

      You make some good points in your article.

      I know it's human nature to assume people don't date outside of their race because they are racist.
      But I agree there are other reasons why people don't.

      I think the people that don't and are open should try to phrase themselves in a way that will not bring along judgment. It's really all in the way you word yourself.

    • Show All
  • jacquesvol
    That sentence can have two meanings.
    If it expresses an overview of past and present dates "I Didn't Date Outside My Race", it's not necessarily racist.
    If it expresses an intention: "I Will not Date Outside My Race" it's plain racism.
    • Blobb

      No. That doesn't follow at all.

      Will you date a guy?

      Does that immediately make you a homophobic if you're not attracted to guys?

    • jacquesvol

      @Blobb Racism and homophobia are not identical.

    • Blobb

      Yes but the logical flaw is identical. That's when using an analogy is appropriate.

      Racism: You dislike someone because of their race.
      Homophobia: You dislike someone because of their sexual orientation.

      Saying you won't date someone of another race doesn't automatically mean you dislike the person.
      Just like saying you won't date a guy doesn't automatically mean you dislike people who are gay.

    • Show All
  • Dessertfox
    Racist and only dating certain racist is tunnel vision and it not real love... I'm half black and Korean.

    I experienced my first racist... My recent ex who is Hispanic told when we first got together her parents do not like black people. No apparent reason they just they have that they are supreme and black people are weak and lazy and low in the human race... She told me would disown her if they knew about me... She ended up telling them about me but never told them my race.

    As I got to know her it ended up that she was also racist. When her kid told me she wasn't allowed to date black people. I confronted my ex and she said she doesn't care for black people and she never dated one only white or Hispanic but the Hispanic can not have a darker shade of skin.. She told me I don't look black and she just thinks in her mind I'm Asian...

    She tells me she loves me but she ended up cheating on me for the type of guy she likes when it comes to appearance... How is hooking up with a person based on physical attributes love? How do you fall in love with that?
  • Todiebyyourside
    Who cares if someone does or doesn't date outside of their race for any number of reasons. A person doesn't have to date outside of the race, it's not against the law. I date outside of my race, no drama, but a lot of my friends do not. That's their business. People need to fuck off with this politically correct bullshit.
  • bluenose1872
    Fuck anybody who thinks I'm racist for not dating anybody except white girls. It doesn't even enter my head. I've always had white girlfriends coz I'm a white man and that's how it will stay. We supposed to keep interacial dating until we make a brand new race or a whole set of brand new races? What are we? Dogs getting put on display at cruft? It's not racist to like your own race. Whoever says that is a loony and you should avoid them like ebola
    • TyraMayes

      Not racist just closed minded and we are all the human race

    • "I've always had white girlfriends coz I'm a white man and that's how it will stay. "
      Lol you're funny.

    • @MaiNameIsSunshine you've lost me?

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  • GirlScout
    Not liking a particular feature that many people of a certain race have is not racist, but saying that you will not date outside of your race is kinda racist. That's assuming all people of other races have those features, it isn't a case of familiarity but conditioning.
  • LittleSally
    I guess there are lots of reasons someone would or wouldn't want to date outside of their race.
    Some people don't want to, some don't have a chance to and some are looking for diversity and some don't really look at the world through that lens.

    It may be more of a cultural thing than a race thing.
  • MaiNameIsSunshine
    I like how the Hispanic guy is the one living with the gangsters and criminals who are all minorities, thanks, us Hispanics totally appreciate that...
    • Anonymous

      it wouldn't have mattered what race I made that hypothetical person, someone was going to complain. Is there someone like a Michael that does live in that situation, yes there is. You can complain about it, but it doesn't make it any less true.

  • ObscuredBeyond
    Skin has little to do with it. Yeah, dark shades attract me, because my first crush ever was mulatto and that has skewered my interpretations of things. But if she's impossible to work with, it makes little difference to me where she came from.
  • serp777
    Why make race such a big deal? i get so tired of the race card being played over and over again. I don't really give a flying fuck about the reflection of light off your skin pigment and only idiots care about such trivial nonsense. Lets focus on important shit instead of completely worthless things plex.
    • jacquesvol

      So called 'race' seems to have become the most important thing on the internet. Rightists learned to start a computer and climd on their soap crates to let it know the world.

  • sweetkiss99
    I don't find it racist you're into, what you're into.
  • HikerDude
    Good take. I get tired of hearing how everything white people do is racist. If we don't date black girls, we're racist. If we do date black girls, we have a racist fetish. It's all just silliness. People need to realize that preference and association cannot be legislated.
  • NoClueFrau
    The cultural barrier is a problem specifically between the east and the west. I do not see other problems in inter-racial dating.
    Without clear communication it becomes difficult more than ever.

    As there is mention of India, the reason is the pretty straightforward. Indian parents are scared of men from other race (Not much the women though) dating their daughters. Though it is of the time when women in India were dependent on male figures of the family.
  • QveenSlayyy
    Wow I love this mytake absolutely true in my opinion. I can relate to the Indian girls problem since my parents are like that and my boyfriend is black but they don't know about him yet😔 their reaction will not be good and I don't know what to do about it
  • diamondhair
    I feel if you have a preference that doesn't make you racist. I have no preference. My only attraction to someone is personality. My boyfriend is Arab. Unfortunately his family won't accept me but not bothered! Honestly it's just about finding that one good person you can spend the rest of your life with.
  • Mekkalyn
    I've never dated outside of my race, nor do I want to.
    Culture is an impact-full thing.
    I am not racist. I do not look down on other people. Everyone is equal.
    But my dating preferences are my own and don't have to be justified to anyone. Nor should anyone be made fun of or looked down on for interracial relationships. Everyone should have a choice, that's the beauty of equality.
  • vishna
    Often this isn't the case, my high school was roughly 50/50 black and white. A whole lotta white guys had never dated outside their ethnicity, not because they weren't around black women, but because they refused.

    I get Joe's dating style

    I don't get the average racist's dating style.
  • sjoes006
    I don't think people should be shamed for not dating outside their race/ ethnic group. Do what feels right.
  • Punkbuster107
    Very well written take. You painted your ideas very cleary, in a compelling and interesting way. I liked you choice of example scenarios.
  • RachelBrigs
    Its fine to have a preference. Its racist when you say you refuse to date someone of another race based on principle though.
  • dejeson
    I use to want to date people out of my race, but then as I got older... I realized that I love black men... black men are really the only people I want to date... probably because im black to, and it may play a role in my choice
  • art84
    I never dated outside of my race which is Hispanic. I find other races attracted like Asian for example but its hard finding Asian women in texas when you have Hispanic women making the majority of women with black and white women. My brother has dated a white girl before which wasn't the best choice of wonen for him. He has dated Hispanic women as well but that's it.
  • TripleAce
    there's a fine line here. On one side its a personal choice but on the other side to isolate people, 100% of people based on race, is surely discriminatory towards them
  • Folklore
    I've been in more relationships with women of a different race than I have of my own. Purely coincidence though. Not like I went out of my way to make it happen lol.
  • verticallyinsecure
    then my case would be like the first one, being indian and seeing only indian girls around me all my life, south Asian girls automatically become more attractive to me
    • You are a first as most Indian guys prefer white women!

    • @candyaurora, talking to the chaps here the only reason most of them (of course not all) is hollywood makes them believe they are easy sluts, shite attitude but yeah, but clearly south Asian girls are more attractive and being a society which looks down upon promiscuity, you can trust them more (though there are some "hoes" here too, they are just very discreet about it)

  • Oxi112094
    Its not racist to have a preference, but sometimes you just have to be more open minded to trying different things. Personally, I dont date my race (or "races" since im mixed).
  • Mustachekitteh
    I'm not surprised about Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Louisiana, and Arkansas. Being the ones with the lowest % in this case.
  • Sexualchrist
    I don't not date outside my race but after dating the colours of the rainbow from stout pale ale I do admit that I've come to be biased towards one race
  • TheFlak36
    I will never date outside of my race. It is ugly and unnatural and produces ugly kids, offsprings of miscegenation. I stick to my people as nature expects from us. What I find beautiful doesn't exist outside of my race.
  • ThisAndThat
    I don't date outside of my race either and there isn't anything wrong with that. I do see girls that are attractive that aren't in my race but I don't date any.
  • candyaurora
    I have never understood this preference of skin tone and race tbh. I personally see beauty in ever race and colour! But yes everyone has their preferences!
  • chico800
    I come from a pretty mixed-race environment. I've rarely seen black women with anyone but a black man. I've rarely seen middle-class-or-above white women with anything but a white man. It is what it is, ain't what it ain't.
  • ConsultantIsBack
    You're crazy lady!, I date outside of my race more often than not!
    • You strike me as a guy that likes women from Barbados.

    • @Todiebyyourside I've never met anyone from Barbados, what's it like?

    • It's quite nice, I prefer Grenada, but the women are sublime in both countries.

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  • pavlove
    Here's to me what's at the core of this--is not wanting to date other races racist argument:

    People make such a big deal about it. They say "I'm not trying to be racist..." "I'm not racist I just prefer..." that puts it into a COMPARISON perspective. Of course it's not racist, but how would you feel if one of your close black friends said "you know... I mean to me you're a really unattractive person. I really find your looks to be ugly."

    It would probably rock them a bit. The hurt comes from being put into the ugly category and the way out of that pain often is to blame it on racism. I don't see any reason for anyone to have to explain that they don't date outside their race and I don't see any reason for anyone to challenge why a person dates a specific type. Once these two contracts are broken--the right to not having to explain preferences and the right not to need to challenge someone's preferences--pain becomes involved because people's egos become involved.
    • Yeah you have to tell everybody everything your thinking in life. Jesus. Do you tell girls you knock back look love your a nice girl but your ugly as hell. Your face must be like burger of your that honest

  • Kuraj
    For me it is "I don't date outside of my preferences" and some races/ethnicities I find less appealing than the others.
    Simple as that.
  • Beaver19
    I wouldn't to be honest, and I see nothing wrong with that preference
  • Blobb
    Different people are attracted to different things.

    Body shape, skin tone, eye color, tone of voice, personality...

    Being attracted or not to any one of those isn't really a choice. And I don't think you're being racist if you're simply not attracted. People need to get over themselves...

    It's a totally different thing to say "I don't date white girls. I'm just not attracted to them."
    And to say "I refuse to approach, interact, date or befriend a white girl because I hate white people."

    One is just a preference, mostly an unsconscious one. You don't really choose who you're attracted to. One is actual racism. People need to stop slapping the racism label on anything that hurts their ego, it gets so old...
  • FakeName123
    Am I the only one who figured that the 2 girl examples are the open minded ones and the two guys are in the questionable territory?
    • Anonymous

      Like I told someone else, it doesn't matter if I switched names, races, locations, story lines, someone was going to be pissed off about it. You can't please everyone. Fact of life.

  • Nomad69
    So far I've only had sex with a member of another race. I have dated more native girls than white girls too.
  • the_rake
    when I was at uni some of my left wing liberal friends (I am centre-left wing actually) wanted to hook me up since I was single. because I preferred white girls (from my own race) they were always insisting I had to 'broaden my horizons' and that this was 'rooted in some form of subconscious xenophobia' or some b. s. as it happens I do find many women outside my own race very beautiful indeed (more so than a lot of the trashy white girls in my country) but it is just not something I am used to or that I want to do. we should all be entitled to our preferences without this kind of judgement from people that mean well but quite frankly ought to be minding their own business.
    • Pat8707

      Man, those people annoy the fuck out of me. I feel ya man, I feel ya.

    • the_rake

      @Pat8707 i figured out eventually that the only way out of these situations is to just state that those are what your preferences (subjective - everybody has them) are, that you're entitled to them, it's not racist and that quite frankly, you refuse to have any more of these discussions. the more you try to rationalise when talking to people like this, the deeper the hole you dig for yourself, then you find them persuading you over to your way of thinking which is not necessarily good for you if it means compromising the way you prefer to do things.

    • It's built in. They want to date other races let them but they want to tell everybody in earshot to do the same thing. If we all did the same thing pretty soon there'd be no whites or black or chinese or anybody. Just a world full of people with complexes about where they belong. Everybody prefers their own race. Maybe not in a sexual sense but overall you know where you belong. there's nothing wrong with that. If it wasn't there the would be no racial tension in this world at all. The evidence is obvious. All the naysayers are dillusio al idiots. Cowards with no opinions outside of the mainstream. Just have to read a lot of comments on this site on anything and it stinks of trying to fit in and walk the centre. It's always the younger ones as well. Got the backbone of eels

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  • hquinn_
    I'm from the south and TONS of white southerns do not like dating outside their race. Some because of racism. Some because they were raised not to. I was raised not to, and I grew up thinking it was wrong. But at the moment, I've been dating a Mexican and we have a lovely little boy! We get a lot of stares in public, but I'm sure if I were with a black guy, I'd get even more. BUT that's only because where I live a little over 50% blacks are very rude. I honestly do not care about how people feel about dating outside the race. Date whomever you're attracted to.
  • Maazin
    Ethnicity is the right word to use on a public platform.
  • QuestionMan
    Lol I'm the opposite.
    I'm tired of White girls
    • same. they miss what eastern girls have... what their familys put in them... this warm humble loving heart that respects and is also very intelligent at the same time...

      feminism ruined western white women in my opinion. many are undateable and aren't loyal.

    • yes they are. very entitled and theyre so thin skinned they get offended at everything. Asian girls are valued above or same level as white girls where i come from. arabs are beautiful and often very curvy... hot. also theyre actually caucasion as well.

    • @SYCONSULTING Oh wow a fellow Canadian :)
      Well I'm in university and there has been a recent influx of Arabs. Damn Arab girls have great bodies.

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  • CavScoutTrooper
    I just think people like that have little taste or creativity.
  • Devasena
    I also don't date outside my race.
  • Ihav2fart
    Oklahoma and New Mexico surprised me there.
  • Attractive_Guy
    I'm more of an opportunist.
  • jmmmfi2
    I only go for white girls
  • geraya-sansey
    i realy would like to date outside my race