"But I'm perfect for them! Why won't they date me?"

So it happened. You met that guy or girl, and you're head over heels in love. You think you two are perfect for each other: common interests, compatability, chemistry, and besides, you look nice and have a great personality. But when you finally decide to ask them out, they reject you. It must be because you don't look like a model, or because girls only date assholes/guys only date hoes, and all the nice guys/girls are always friendzoned, right? Wrong. Here's an explanation.

1. Physical appearance

It's the easiest one, so we may as well get it out of the way now. True, some people won't date you solely because of your appearance. But to be fair, most people - consciously or unconsciously - want to date someone who is on their level. For example, someone athletic probably wouldn't want to date someone overweight. And even if you think you're fine in the looks department, then well, maybe you are, but people like what they like. Find someone who appreciates you for you.

Before we proceed, here's one important fact we need to acknowledge: being in love messes with our brain. Here's what usually happens: you see someone. You think they're good-looking, so you approach them/message them/etc. You may become friends eventually or just keep chatting online, and your brain will probably manage to register a few things about them. Truth is, unless you two were friends for years, you know very little about them. A person is comprised not only of personality traits, but also of their behaviour, opinions, memories, etc. You simply might not have had enough time to get to know them. But your brain doesn't care. It sees someone it likes, so it's enough for it to know as little as 5-10% about someone to construct their whole personality based on this data. You idealize the person you like in your mind and often fall in love with that image tailored to fit your expectations, not the actual human. Now, with that in mind, let's move on to...

2. Common interests/compatibility

As we just learned, you may not, in fact, have a lot in common, you may just think that you do. For example, you like video games, he likes video games, that's a great match, right? But what if he likes multiplayer first-person shooters (which you hate), and you like RPGs (which he's not a fan of either)? I wouldn't exactly call it a "common interest" then. Or you may like her jokes and think she's funny, but when you try to watch her favourite comedian, you find yourself not even in the slightest entertained and, in fact, bored to death?

3. Personality

A common mistake people make when assessing relationship is thinking: "If I'm good enough to be their friend, I can easily be their boyfriend/girlfiend". But the thing is, just because they like you as a friend, doesn't mean you're the type of person they're looking to enter a relationship with. For example, you can be kind, and smart, and funny, and they may enjoy being around you. But what if you're childish, and they're looking for someone mature? What if you're insecure, and they're attracted to confident people?

4. Chemistry

Love messes up your brain, remember? It may look like there's something going on between us, but it may, in fact, just be your wishful thinking. Some people are naturally flirtatious or tactile, so them being playful around you doesn't neccessarily mean they like you romantically. In addition, some of us just need to feel that "spark". If there is none, you may be perfect in every way, but they still would not be attracted to you.

To conclude, if someone doesn't seem to want to date you, it's not the reason to cry "Woe is me, friendzoned again!". Remember that when in love, sometimes you can neither think straight nor stop idealizing the other person and falling for that image, delusioning yourself into thinking that your image is the same as the actual person, when it's in fact not. More often that not there is an actual reason behind the rejection, no matter how perfect for each other you think you are.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Your 1st point is usually the ONLY reason why someone rejects a person outright, without giving them a chance a date and see if things work out.

    • Do you not agree though that however unfortunate that may be, it is a person's right. Furthermore, it may not be under the control of the rejector.

    • @Bluemax

      Yeah, not denying that at all. Of course, it is the person's right. Nobody is OBLIGED to date anyone else. But more often than not, the main and perhaps the only reason someone might rejected a trusted, well-known friend is due to their looks.

    • Not always only- it can also be based on clothing choice, hygiene, mannerisms, how they speak etc

Most Helpful Girl

  • Number 4 is definitely the truest of the true in this article.


Join the discussion

What Guys Said 11

  • I have to respectfully disagree that people want to date someone on their own level. I would have worded it something along the lines of, "People want to date someone they find attractive. "

    Do you really think unattractive people WANT to date someone they find physically unattractive?

    It's been my experience that almost always when unattractive people can't find someone they are attracted to, they rarely blame the person who rejected them, but they are understandably sad about their circumstances. I wonder if this sadness over the circumstance is misinterpreted as blaming the rejector.

    Is there some significance to your placing physical appearance at number one?

    • Looks are step one but in my family we believe it's better to be alone than with someone unattractive period.

    • @Xwingjade
      I too think it's better to be alone than with someone you're not attracted to.

      If this means being alone the rest of your life, then I realize that this is choosing a small plate of shit as opposed to a large plate of shit.

    • Ultimately we believe death is better than settling or being alone, in a military family some things are non negotiable and we don't care if someone from our society (which is mostly made up of soft people now) disagrees or thinks that's wrong

  • It's strange because -- were I to find myself in that situation -- I'd get over it really fast if the person didn't want me. I mean, that's like the biggest turnoff ever, and at that point my interest would be shot.

    • Consider yourself fortune. Most people aren't like that, but I think they would be if they could.

    • @Bluemax You know what, you're right. I bet this mindset is much easier to have if one is confident in their ability to land a good partner.

      For others, I imagine it would be more difficult.

  • Hey, I remember you from my myTake haha! Nice article! I agree that love sometimes messes with a person's mind; sometimes you just wish that someone you liked would be deluded into liking you, and not someone else hahaha... I personally don't really feel 'spark' for people and I don't really understand why one would place so much emphasis on this. For me, I only develop feelings for someone after I've mentally committed myself to them, which requires logical thought and spending time with them. Shared interests don't really matter too much unless our interests conflict very badly (I actually like people with different interests than me) and I don't really know what 'chemistry' is. But that's just me, good myTake :)

  • The problem with this is that it shifts the onus to the attracted but fails to detail the whole story. In most cases humans are aware of the attraction of others to themselves and because humans like attention they perpetuate the behavior. It is not a one-sided dance most of the time and so we have two ironic actors in the play:

    The Lover who hangs by the hopeful thin thread seeing all the signs, deliberate but false, and suffering the delusions that come with love.

    The Puppeteer who dangles a false promise, and when done with the game, simply writes the The Lover off as "creepy" or "crazy".

  • looks , if you've got the looks you're good enough , maybe not for marriage but they will give you a chance many other guys will never get... at least speaking from how i view things

    • I talked to a guy who never actually tried getting to know me further, yet he told me he wanted to "Talk" is it because I wasn't attractive enough?

    • @THEALIster well I don't know in what situation you met that guy , maybe he just wanted a friend which is unlikely if you dont know each other for ages , or maybe he just wants sex? he finds you attractive enough for sex but doesn't see himself in a realtionship with you , or maybe he can't be with you , it can go any of these ways usually if he wants to get to know you but doesn't want a realtionship its safe to say he is looking for sex or just shy about making any advances.

  • I see your points, but these things don't concern me much. If they like me as a friend, and I want more, I use my 'secret weapon.' :D

  • No body is perfect

  • Remember its only us guys who are bitter I mean only us ugly guys. After all women can never be bitter and good looking guys
    Get a free pass.

  • some guys will f over other guys just to be a certain place with women. Good looking guys I find them to be creepy and malicious. Same with good looking women they tend to be spoilt cause of little experience in life.
    Natural selection just proves there is no God because we can't get past it.
    People are just too stupid.

    • thats not a nice thing to say and its a generalisation. why are good looking guys creepy? sure a lot of them are dicks but there are also decent guys who are good looking.

    • @alibaba42 Sure, I've met one myself but that's like really digging into a shit barrel hoping a piece of gold got stuck in the corner somewhere. I'm sorry to say from life experience and though I'm not a very judgmental person I can't help but rectify some of the old stereotypes because people just don't say them for the sake of it. There is a philosophy to learn from it. Like saying, "The higher you are, the harder you fall." Just like the law of nature/science, people follow suit. To ask me NOT to judge a good looking person is to say to the unattractive girl in the office that she has had every equal opportunity as the good-looking or well endowed worker that's had it easy in reality. If that is the case then you might as well tell them that they are a faulty product, that there is nothing good about them and you might as well tell Cancer patients that they are the same. People throw all their eggs into one basket without even asking question or experience...(to be continues)

    • @alibaba42 ... Also people trust outside image more than anything. I mean say if one person had to choose between two people. One who was good looking and the other who's personality is a perfect. (From personal experience) Than you will see that they will spend most their time with the former thinking that's it's possible to change their personality. You would think that would be likely since our image is crystallized, pretty much, believe it or not it's even more impossible to change a person's personality. All you would change is their education and instincts but not their personality that's down to their very core.

  • I love the divided opinions on this. Most of the girls love this take and agree with it, most of the guys have got something to say and disagree with it.

  • Chemistry just means hot enough for women.


What Girls Said 8

  • Very true article. Great job!

    In my opinion, there's no such thing as the friendzone.
    Just because you're nice and friendly to someone, doesn't mean they're obligated to date you. The "friendzone" is an excuse they use because they don't want to get over the fact that the other person isn't into them in that way.

    • Friendzone is NOT an excuse! Friendzone is nothing more than a girl and guy relationship where one of the parties has chosen to exclude the possibility of romance! A girl might tell a guy friend who confesses romantic feeings, "You're a nice guy but I only like you as a friend and that's all!"

      THAT is "friendzoning"! In this case, the girl has limited the relationship to platonic friendship! And the guy must decide to whether to continue being the girl's platonic friend or end the relationship! Why are you trying to pretend that the "friendzone" doesn't exist?

  • I like this take. I have problems with what you said under number 1 and I think it's common with other people too. We tend to make our crushes seem perfect and pick out all the things that we like it have in common with them when we don't know them that well or know their whole personality and then we come to a rude awakening.

  • PERFECT! I loved it!

  • So if someone is bad looking they should find someone unattractive looks wise? What if it's not by fault of their own?
    My brother works out, takes care of himself and is very educated and expects to be with a girl who is very pretty and slim like himself which is just fine, however he shaves his head bald from a weak form of alopecia and gets treated like deal by most girls, are you saying he should just accept someone less attractive than his standards simply because he got a condition that puts the girls he needs 'above him'

    This is focused solely on your looks part of it yes*

    • If your brother had money, it wouldn't matter.

      Girls judge more on money and social status. Guys mainly go for looks. Beauty is subjective anyway.

    • You're telling a chick about what chicks need,
      First off wasn't asking you bud,
      Second I still think he looks great without hair, it's just hair it's an accessory not a part of one's physicality-I was just bringing up how it's not right for someone to be expected to accept someone they find unattractive physically because some consider them that way.
      I don't know where you got your degree on life and both sexes but I am very glad that my brother despite losing our father (what brought on alopecia ( and his hair holds his standards high and never became a douche type guy who viewed the sexes as numbers game of what goes for what like yourself.

  • i know a really great guy and we're alike in every way but the chemistry just isn't there. he's great but he doesn't excite me or anything so no sorry

  • Great take! 😊❤

  • Great take and very truthful... Congrats

  • I agree. I see so many people fall for someone they are a horrible match with. People are LUCKY when the other person realizes it, because when they click on high attraction and nothing else, that's when you see quick marriages that fizzle apart after two years.

    I also think people overestimate how close they are with some of their friends. Grabbing beer or catching movies and shooting the breeze aren't necessarily intimate things. I've had (mostly female, so don't misinterpret this as a "friend zone thing") friends I spend TONS of time with that I never felt emotionally close to because our interactions weren't on the deeper level, despite genuinely getting along and having a good time.