The Science of “The Spark”


With a show of hands, how many of you have been rejected by somebody on the grounds that they didn’t feel any spark with you? A fair amount I can assume without even being able to see your hands.

All too often people lose out on potential partners based on the fact that the person they attempted to initiate did not feel a theoretical spark that would indicate whether or not the relationship is worth pursuing. Even more often I see people completely knocking the idea of the spark, claiming that it’s unrealistic and can be achieved if only this person gave them as many chances as necessary to make it happen.

I would have to disagree.

First and foremost, let’s explain the science of the spark with a real world analogy: let’s say that you are a rock, and your assets (personality, looks, etc.) make you a particular type of rock. The same goes for the person you are interested in. The dating process in this analogy is striking the rocks together in an attempt to make the elusive spark. If you are a smooth skipping stone and your partner is a sandstone then the likelihood of you creating a spark is extremely unlikely. However, if you and your partner are both ideal sparking stones, you are going to have zero issue creating a spark, subsequently lighting a flint and creating a passionate fire that can be fed by the both of you and kept alive for a long time. This is a successful relationship, in case that analogy wasn’t clear.

The Science of “The Spark”
Sometimes, the chemistry is real.

With all of the analogies aside though, don’t get too wrapped up in the word “ideal” that I used there, because this doesn’t suggest that you need to be a perfect ten in the eyes of the world. No, you simply need to be compatible, which makes you ideal for the person you’re trying to court. If you’re constantly going for people who aren’t compatible with you, then you’re going to continuously fail in creating the spark. Or worse off, you may not even be incompatible; you may just not be showing how compatible you truly are with a person by portraying yourself in an undesirable light, be that by being inappropriate or showing bitter behavior – so on and so forth.

Now that I gave you a run-through of analogies and theories, let’s get down to what exactly the spark is when referring to actual real life people: the spark is essentially the first feelings of infatuation that a person experiences when they meet somebody whom they find attractive emotionally and physically. For everyone, the timing of the spark is different, but more often than not, most people expect to feel this spark in the early stages of courtship. This is because of many things, but all of these reasons come down to a single explanation: no one wants to waste their time. No one wants to be lead on or to lead someone on, and no one wants to spend time with the wrong person when they could be out searching for the right one. As a result, people are quick to toss a “stone” aside to pick up a new one and begin striking away, hoping to get the spark they so eagerly desire.

After all: why keep striking the same stone that has failed to spark into your flint when you have the option of other stones? Sure, maybe if you strike it relentlessly it may spark, but there’s no guarantee that this spark will be enough to start a flame.

Are you sick of this analogy yet? Good, good.

The Science of “The Spark”

I bet you’re waiting for me to give you a step-by-step how to on ensure that you make a spark between you and your love interest, but the truth is, is that there is no guide. Sure, I could suggest a few things to you and I have before in the past (see: ) but even that isn’t promised to create success for you, it’s just one of the many steps you can take towards self-betterment. In actuality, it all comes down to compatibility, but there are ways to improve how compatible you are without changing the core of who you are. Primarily, this involves self reflection and self improvement, which might come with sacrificing some of your more unappealing behaviors (such as being really bitter, untrusting, etc). Ultimately, you need to strive to be the best you (whilst still actually being YOU) and through that, I believe almost anybody can find that special person that they strike a stone with.

The Science of “The Spark”

So that’s all I have for this take ladies and gents, it was a bit random but the thought wouldn’t come out of my noggin so I figured I would share it with you fine people here today. It’s both simple and complex in nature so I enjoyed writing it, I hope you enjoyed reading it and I hope you all have an excellent week.

The Science of “The Spark”
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  • KDA20
    Another great take - I am a firm believer in "The SparK" - In all my relationships and non relationships the abiding decisive factor has always been the spark on my side on whether to pursue it or not - I have no idea what it is but for me I think it is just somewhere behind the stomach, a warm buzz when I am with or thinking about my potential partner/crush etc - On the flip side how many times have you been told by your friends that X is so into you and she is perfect for you. You have to go "No I just don't feel with, I want Y , okay I am not sure she knows I exist but I still want her".
    Like 1 Person
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Most Helpful Girl

  • Bea123
    thanks for this mytake i appreciated this piece of info. Very well written.
    Like 1 Person
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What Girls & Guys Said

  • UnknownXYZ
    LikeDisagree 4 People
  • ResearcherGuy
    I don't want to disagree with this myTake, but on a strictly personal/individual level, I do. The reason is that I don't 'feel spark' towards people. I have never felt a spark towards another person and I only felt an immediate, unexplainable attraction between the ages of 4 and 17. Not once after that. So I do know what it feels like and I hope I never have to have such bizarre emotions again. Anyway, I have had feelings towards people, but as I've said numerous times before on this site, the feelings came from shared mutual experiences and a logical appreciation for the other person (which is what propelled my urge to pursue a relationship with them).

    At least for me then, there are two steps. First, is the general assessment. Do we have things in common? Do I like their personality? Do we get along? Do they look presentable and attractive? If yes, there is the next step which is the process of relating to them and building a relationship. That's where my feelings develop. Before that, there is no spark and I don't see the person any differently than anyone else (unless they had MANY traits that I thought were really attractive or I found them genuinely intimidating - which is rare). Anyway, it was a good take but I almost want to BEG people to stop talking about "spark." I don't really get it and I don't think it's a concept to be understood, but rather an abstracting term used to make everything seem ordered and explainable, when clearly it isn't if you're relying only on emotion. I, personally, don't feel it at all, especially at the beginning, so I just can't relate to the idea no matter how much you explain it to me.
    • That's fine, if you don't agree you don't agree, no offence taken. You make some valid points, even if my own opinions still stand.

    • I agree with your opinions on self-improvement and compatibility, I just don't like the use of the term 'spark' because of how loosely it is used by different people. Sometimes spark and compatibility seem mutually exclusive, like when someone says, "we had a lot in common and great compatibility, but no spark." I just don't like the following two phrases, "I don't feel it" or "I don't feel any spark" because they're simple ways of avoiding your emotions and leaving things unaddressed. I would start to seriously question my judgement if I rejected a person on such ambiguous grounds. Other than that I agree with you.

    • *sorry, I didn't mean, "mutually exclusive," I meant "distinct"/"separate"

    • Show All
  • Rloco
    You have really awesome takes. One thing to add could be types of sparks. I had this with a girl I was dating. We ended up just being friends because that's the kind of chemistry we had, not romantic. but overall it was a great take and I completely agree.
    LikeDisagree 2 People
  • Bitterpill
    This makes perfect sense to me, having experienced the lack of spark when i was back in the dating scene a few years back. I just couldn't seem to find the spark with anyone. Honestly I was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with me but then after I'd just about given up I found it. That was 2 years ago and that fire is still burning as bright as ever.
    LikeDisagree 3 People
  • Bluemax
    Very good take.

    What do you mean by "compatibility?" I don't think you and I use the word the same way.
  • Chief16
    Should've included a poll. Right, about the spark. It doesn't need to be there. Sure when it works, it works. There are couples who have a very dynamic relationship but always tend to stay together for some reason. Most people only use the word compatibility when they're having relationship problems or are about to break up. But you know, even if there's no spark. At least the friction between the two stones keep each other warm. To quote your analogy. That's what I mean ultimately. Trying and holding on. Sure there might be no chemistry between me and my partner, but once I choose them. I'd be there till the bitter end. Nice take though.
    Disagree 1 Person
  • tyber1
    I agree. There doesn't need to be a massive surge of electricity but there does need to be at least a little spark.
  • Thrifty
    Add to my reading list. Is this available on audiobook?
    Like 1 Person
  • Grace_Rdz
    Awesome take, too bad the spark isn't enough sometimes. 😌
  • mickylad
    Never felt it. So there fore don't beleive it !!
  • Anonymous
    Where is the science?
  • Anonymous
    Love and all that BS is nothing but feminist mythology.

    Stop spreading this crap.
    Disagree 2 People
  • Anonymous
    You never mentioned anything about dopamine and oxytocin
    • I was referring more to social science/theoretical science, it's a catchy title and not intended to be taken literally Dr. Anonymous.