This is what I'd call a 'follow up' from my previous mytake, Man As Initiator which, not surprisingly, got mixed reactions :D . Not only that, I had a certain GaGer create a rebuttal [replica with a few adjustments] to that MyTake. Honoured. 🙏🏽
The reason why I'm writing this is to communicate that when someone does not mention something, it does not mean they disregard it or don't think about it.
When I do not talk about women as initiators, that does not mean I don't believe women should ever initiate. Hence, I'm writing this one for the ladies about how to go about being an initiator.
[The sad part is that many guys will like this message more than when I encouraged them to be initiators. Kinda separates the men from the boys huh? ;P Yeah shots fired, some of y'all can't take shit lol. ]
There are so many women out there who find directness effortless. It's just confidence. It comes to them. They know they can get any guy they want. They aren't intimidated by men, etc.
There are others however, who badly want to make a move, but are drawn back. This could be for a number of reasons such as:
- She's afraid of rejection
- She doesn't want to appear desperate
- She's just a shy character
- She doesn't believe in herself. She's insecure
- She wants to feel special by having someone approach her first
- Traditional mindset
- Religious expectations state that men must initiate
- Cultural expectations state that men must initiate
and so on. I'm sure there are others I missed.
So, what are some ways I can make the first move, which can then in turn, direct a man to think about pursuing me too?
That is the main question I want to answer.
So as you see, I still believe in the idea that men should lead the overall courtship process, but I think it's more important for a woman to DIRECT him by being upfront with the way she feels. This makes it a lot easier for him, and he will be more attracted to you.
So with that said, I have a few bits of advice about the types of women you should NOT be if you plan to be an initiator, ladies.
1. The Manipulative One
Don't Play Games
This never works in serious contexts. Love isn't a game. Just type in 'memes about women', and there will always be at least one talking about how complicated or bitchy we are. Men would prefer you to just be straight up with your intentions.
You wanna fuck? Make it clear.
You wanna date? Make it clear.
He's just a friend? Make it clear.
Capeesh? Don't lead a guy on if you're not on the same page. Don't manipulate him, don't make him your side guy if you're not okay with being a side chick. Quite simple. You wanna play games, you go back to kindergarten honey. The dating scene is not for you.
2. The Confused One
Don't Dump Him in the Friendzone Too Quick
Give the man a bloody chance, especially if you are the one who approaches him. You can't just be like 'oh he's cute' then walk up to him, realise he isn't as impressive as you thought then consider him friend material. Women in particular jump to conclusions too quickly I feel. Get to know a few little things about him first, then decide where he ends up. TAKE YOUR TIME. You never know, he could be the quality guy you've been looking for, and he's right under your nose.
3. The Cutie Patootie
Drop Hints. Flirt A Bit.
Keywords: A bit. It's quite classy, but also sexy af. Now you actually do want to be this kind of woman. If you feel an attraction towards a man, in some cases, he may not even realise that he could potentially have an attraction towards you back.
You be that first spark, those first few flames. Then, if he's pleased enough, he'll pour some gasoline on that ish ;)
You don't want to be too subtle. As I said earlier, if you're going to flirt, you NEED to stick with it. You don't just flirt, sext or playfully touch him for a day then stop talking to him the next. Stay consistent. I'd also advise you to build up your flirting gradually to keep him on his toes, but give away just enough for him to conclude 'okay, she likes me. She DEFINITELY likes me'. Make him sure. Do you have to be the one asking him to be your man? You could if you wish, but in many cases, he'll be crazy for you by this point and he'll want to explore what you have further.
Some quick examples: eye contact, a smile, teasing/mocking him, pranking him, saying a really stupid pick up line to him, treat him a little different to other guys, compliment him.
4. The Persistent One
Don't Force It
If it ain't happening, it ain't happening. A very common sensical piece of advice I believe, but it's good to mention it anyway. It's great to be direct, but most guys will give you some indication that they're not feeling it. Move on, embrace your ability to even approach someone in the first place, and take it in your stride. Other opportunities will come, lovely.
5. The Insecure One
Don't Stand In Your Own Way
This is a toughie. It's so hard to tell a woman to believe in how beautiful or brave or funny or smart she is. It can never come from anyone else. If we don't believe in our value, then we don't believe anyone else. If you want to approach a man, you need to love who you are, even to some degree. Focus on what you have going for you.
'I'm not the best at math, but hey I'm really good at biology'
'My body isn't in the shape I'd like it to be, but hey I've got a nice smile'
... you know? You need to find something, anything that will make you believe in your ability to approach someone, because let's face it, man or woman, approaching someone can be terrifying. Just be brave. If they're worth the opportunity, you tell the Negativity Committee in your head to sit the eff down.
6. The Dependent One
Don't Rest Your Value On His Shoulders
Let's be real. A lot of women will simply pursue a guy to get some kind of 'feel good' moments out of him, whether it be sexually, if he's a rebound, or even in a long term relationship. If you cannot stand alone, you cannot be in a relationship. Period. Don't even date if you can't live without someone constantly being your emotional crutch. That's not what men are for. Not all of them are gonna tell you that you look beautiful everyday. It ain't their style! Not every man is constantly gonna tell you where he's going. The dude ain't cheating, he just needs space! So what I'm getting at is that if you ain't BO$$ enough to stand alone, loving yourself in your singularity, then you need some more you time.
You know what men find sexy? When you're sure of him. When he knows that you KNOW he thinks your sexy and he don't need to tell you all the time. When he knows you KNOW he's loyal and when he knows you KNOW he thinks about you when you ain't around. Be sure.
7. The Fake
Don't Be Anyone But Yourself
Very cliche, but very applicable. Guys are more intuitive than you'd think. Don't go up to him looking and acting like what you THINK he'd want. You go in looking and acting like who you ARE. If he likes it, great, if he doesn't, what gives? WHO CARES? NEXT!!
It's perfectly okay. Honestly honey, no matter how hard we try, not everyone is gonna like us, so why bother? You are the only one of you in the world. A man who can recognise that is going to love you for it, quirks, flaws and all. Don't go into it trying to be perfect. No one is. In turn, allow him to be himself, as you are yourself. Don't expect too much from him if you don't wish for him to have an entire criteria set out in his mind for you. You must be willing to give what you wish to receive, and more.
Have fun out there darling. <3 I hope this helped you.