Why He's Not Getting a Second Date

I'd like to share with you guys an example of what NOT to do when going on a date with a girl.

Why He's Not Getting a Second Date

I went on a date with a guy on Wednesday. We met up close to 7 at a hole-in-the-wall bar and coffee shop. Very cozy place. I had already eaten but felt like I needed to order something or the waitress would be staring me down from 10 feet away the whole time. He had already ordered a beer by the time I got there. He greeted me warmly but....even that seemed forced.

Not being accommodating

While I was deciding what to order, I pointed out the least expensive thing on the menu --nachos. I suggested that we share it. He briskly stated that he was not hungry. Strike one.

So I just ordered a hot chocolate.

We talked, but the conversation seemed forced versus flowing. He kept running his hand through his hair like he thought he was some kind of male model or a Justin Bieber wannabe. I kinda got the, I'm a tool vibe.

Not paying for your date

When it was time to go, I approached the bar. The waitress confirmed with my guy that he had already paid. WTF? So I paid for mine separately. Major strike 2. Mind you, he was the one who had asked me on the date.

Making it awkward

During the date, we talked about TV shows, and I told him I had just started watching Black Mirror and that I thought it was good. He agreed and offered to watch it with me after we left the bar. I accepted his offer so he followed me to my place.

I've had numerous friends come hang out and finding it has never been an issue. Well, he got lost trying to find my apartment and for some reason, my directions didn't make sense to him. Wow dude.

We watched one episode due to time constraints. I told him I needed to go to bed soon since I had work the next morning.

When it was time to leave, we were both standing at the door and he asked me if I were nervous. I said that, yes, I was. He asked why, and I replied that I just wasn't used to him yet. He seemed satisfied with that answer but he then asked if he could kiss me. Strike 3. Like majorly.

Ummmm...?

Seriously guys, the best thing you can do to kill the mood and make it awkward is to actually ASK the girl if you can kiss her. If she's not putting her face close to you, she doesn't want to be kissed. Pretty simple.

Then he asked why I was nervous. Again. He seemed pretty bothered.

Needless to say, I was happy to have him out the door and on his way.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You did the right thing. Once you learned that the guy had already paid for his own, I would have left him right there. Guys should always pay, that's the 101 of dating.

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    • Thank you!

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    • That is bullshit. Why should guys always pay? What if she has a career and makes more than he does?

    • @myTakeOwner you sound like a gold digger. Would you stay home and do all the laundry, cleaning, cooking and be a stay at home mom if you have any kids?

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you were both awkward.
    To be honest, I don't know anyone who goes on a date, arrives earlier, orders a beer and pays for it at the spot. Obviously he didn't have any intention of staying longer and much less share expenses or cover yours. That's not a date, that's meeting a friend at the bar.

    Then after a short (?) awkward conversation at this place, you actually invite the guy you just met to your apartment. I guess the standards aren't really that high then.
    The guy only asked if he could kiss you because you stated you were not used to him. YET, lol.

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What Guys Said 55

  • Here's some points I would like to make why I wouldn't give you a 2nd date.

    Strike 1 - Expecting the guy to do everything you want whereas it should go both ways.

    You think it's all about you, he didn't want nachos because he wasn't HUNGRY and you expected him to pay for you. If I found a girl trying to make me pay I would pay for myself and leave, if I really like the girl and feel I'm really making a connection from the get go then I might pay for her and if she trys to pay for me I will show her massive respect but I would not expect her to and would insist she doesn't.

    Strike 2 - Lack of empathy and judging too quickly.

    You realise the guy was nervous about his date as well but you seem to have no idea and been nervous is normal on the first date. His hand running through his hair was not because he was some tool or douchebag it's something people do when they are nervous and it probably made him relax a bit more along with having the beer. Also he asked if you were nervous probably because he could tell and wanted to confirm it and was probably showing empathy towards you because he felt nervous.

    Strike 3 - Putting up a barrier.

    He was talking to you about TV shows etc. because he wanted to know more about you and see what you liked and they probably came across awkward because he was nervous but you just put up a wall instead and wrote him off. This also leads back to strike 2 the lack of empathy.

    Strike 4 - Playing games (which feeds back into all the other 3 points)

    This is the most important point of all and the biggest turnoff. You were playing silly games with him and trying to "test" him by seeing if he would share nachos and seeing if he would pay etc. If I catch a girl trying to play games and test me instead of trying to get to know me and ask me questions and openly engage in conversation you can consider the date over. He was just trying to hang out with you to get to know you better.

    The only thing I will give you at the end was him expecting a kiss as a kiss shouldn't be asked for, it will just happen if it does. So your 4 strikes to his 1 and you are out.

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  • Men these days have to ask for a kiss just in case you file a sexual harassment or worse a rape charge. Its very hard to behave like a man these days when you have feminism punishing masculinity and screaming that all men are potential rapists or creepy pervs.

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  • Strike one, we really do not know you are telling the whole truth.

    Strike two, after what I read aobut you that I would not give you a second chances.

    Strike three, you were looking for freebees on a date. This is the reason why you went on a date. So you can get something free. This is very common among you females to do this.

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    • Strike four, you have gender issues.

      Strike five, you all about yourself.

      Strike six, you really do not know how to go on a date.

  • Sounds reasonable, except for point #2. If a girl expects me to pay for her, she can go suck a dick, I'm not dating little girls xD
    But he sounds quite an awkward guy lol

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    • How do girls in Spain feel about paying their own stuff?

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    • @FatherJack

      I think is social inapposite to be talking or texting on the phone when you spending time with someone. Just like someone is eating as you are talking to them over the phone.

    • These phones are destroying relationship all over the world. It really turning people off. I can give a list of examples. We all know about driving and texting or talking. It kills people.

  • The problem with asking is that these days if the man does not ask (on-going affirmative consent) in some jurisdictions he can be charged with sexual assault, or rape.
    Thank the Feminists.

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    • Preposterous

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    • I just watched this it's disgusting that a batualar tax was passed and even a singles tax now. I do have to wonder if maybe idiots vote more that the sane pepole or other wise why laws get passed without putting it to public vote?

    • also the verbal thing in america is completely out of touch with reality fact is it's not verble its both smile and move in if not you don't kiss.
      Men avoiding relationships movement is not just guys that can't get laid there there genuine social and now legal issues men face i'm sure a number think i don't want to deal with or risk that. It's made me hesitate before and i'm delicious.

  • sounds to me like you just date socially awkward guys...

    it's funny because i know a lot of guys on here would love a socially awkward girl and hate confident girls... go figure

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    • these terms are vague. men like you usually use confident girl to describe bimbo sluts. also socially awkward is subjective and everyone is or should be s. a. in the sense that everyone should be unique and not be assimilated by the masses.

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    • @levantine99 Yes, those are terms that are mostly used as put-downs if we don't have any factual basis to criticize someone.

    • @martyfellow oh god the white knight trend is reemerging on this site

  • lol you're just pissed that you didn't get a free meal.

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  • wow. The only thing that even sticks out is why do you feel you have to order?
    yes he should have paid. But I once dated this woman, I think we went on 3 or 4 dates. I was having money issues at the time. I made the 2nd and 3rd date late enough that she should have already eaten (around 7-7:30). She always managed to order a meal of some kind. She also never offered to pay even 1x.
    I have a rule that the woman has to at least offer to pay 1x in the first 3 dates or I drop her.
    but it was clear to me that she was just out for free dinners. I wasn't going out with her again either.
    I do agree that everything you said was just off.
    It has been very strange for me to get back into dating. I was with my wife 25 years. I have asked all the women if I could kiss them. The ones I kissed anyway. I just feel weird just kissing them. Maybe they don't want me to? If I wait for them to kiss me, they might not since women never take the initiative.
    not sure a woman just wants me to grab her and do that. Although I never try the first time we meet since that is just to talk and see if we want to go on a date. I always wait til what I feel is the actual date. I only do online dating/

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  • seeing the verbal beatdown you're getting in the comments by both genders has partially restored my faith in humanity

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  • There's always the shelter for the homeless if you're looking for free food.

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  • If you can't pay for your own food then that's your own personal problem. Don't expect your date to pay for you, especially if it's the first date. Don't really care about the rest.

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  • His hair, his rules. Understand?

    Poor guy. Had he paid for the hot chocolate, he'd have ended his night with a bj.

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  • I may be a complete bastard at times, but yeah I'm picking up the freaking check if I asked you out. Jesus, SMH.

    Oh and never ASK to kiss the girl. Crikey, if she's repeatedly making eyes at your non-birthmarked lips and moved into your personal space? She wants the kiss. They'll send the bloody signals.

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  • These are basic things in all honesty.

    There are more "finer" details which girls look out for.

    For example, "agreeing to everything she says" is a major turn off which is a sign of desperation.

    Not even twins agree on everythjng

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  • What happened might actually be a cultural clash or maybe he has 0.000... experience in dating plus he might have a low empathy. I get what you are trying to say, not sharing something in the moment and been to individualistic can spoil a date, I agree with you.

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  • 1.) Why did your expect him to pay for you when the date isn't even going right? Just split the fucking bill

    2.) Running fingers through hair of sign of nervousness... I do it too if I am nervous...

    3.) Flowing conversations happen when your trip get along well... I think if the conversation was flowing he would have left a good impression on you..

    4.) Getting lost in the way back to you house is not that weird... He came to your house for the first time right? Not the second..

    5.) Him nor wanting to eat anything if strike one? (A BIG LOL ON THIS ONE)

    6.) Overall Stupid take... And you are definitely spoilt brat... And sexist

    The only thing that I agree with you is that he asked for a kiss... Which was weird... Other than that it just sounds more like a bad date (inside your head...)

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  • This guy is obviously Neo from the Matrix... he dodged several bullets !!

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  • Ide pay for all our dates , and I don't have a problem with asking out and paying. But , down the line you get stupid with me... a few of my ladies friends will knock your f teeth out. This is how I balance the bs. I csnt stand entitled people , guy or girl.

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  • Sounds like he had a lucky escape. Women todayare far too picky and aretoo easily put off. Women like you are never satisfied.

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  • - Point 1 ok... kinda understandable.
    - Point 2 ... yeah alright dick move on his part.
    Point 3 though, if he didn't ask and simply did it, you would be crying sexual assault because the rest of the date was awkward asf - and you KNOW it.

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  • Pay for your own stuff. I swear girls that dont strike x3 were done. I lose respect for women quickly for that.

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  • I can tell you why some girls will never get a second date.
    1. And ex is in the picture, unless it is a baby dad no one wants to deal with that shit.
    2. Telling too much too soon, one girl told me she had 9 concussions and a 10th one would make her legally insane. Another one told me she was stripper and one time let a customer of hers... I'll use a nice term "relieve" himself on her for 500$ didn't want anything else. She also said if I couldn't bang her 15 times a day she'd cheat on me

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    • the last girl sounds like a girl you could have fun with for awhile.

  • lol I don't date gold digger I only date women who want equality

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    • Well, it's nothing in 'equality'.
      know date women who give a 'True Love'

  • I like this guy... he Showed you huh lol... you expecting little schmuck.
    Other than his personality, i think everything went smooth. I love the fact he paid for his own shit and left you to pay for yours... thats a man right there.
    Its like he knew there wasn't gonna be a second one... that is my nigga.
    You over here talking about how he ain't getting a second one... i bet you darling... i dont think he wants a second one with you anyway lol...
    Hahahaha females... always thinking they get the last say... no no no u clueless darling... WE get the final say. well... guys like ME.. confident ones.

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  • I'm totally fine with paying on each and every date, but only if she's a very traditionally-feminine woman.

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  • I feel bad for that guy, sounds like he was socially awkward. Your strike 1 didn't make sense to me. He wasn't hungry, so what? He invited you out because he wants to talk not because he needed a mouth to feed. And maybe the reason he pointed out the least expensive thing on the menu was to hint that he wasn't planning on getting anything. I mean, what did he order? Just a beer?

    Lol it all makes sense now. What if he's not even that socially awkward. What if this guy was just crushing on her real hard, he was probably nervous and that caused him to rub you the wrong way and it was downhill from there.

    I mean honestly, from the way you tell the story, you sound like a bit of a diva. A little self centered. Just enough to not see this through his point of view.

    I understand not wanting to date a guy who doesn't get it, but it sounds like your being a jerk about it, or maybe I'm wrong. Because a socially awkward person could probably learn a lot from this.

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    • I think a socially awkward guy would probably do whatever his date suggested, not reject it. Also, it was the Asker who pointed out the cheap Nachos, not him.

  • It should be why you're not getting a 2nd date. Dates being given isn't always about the women giving them to men. Men can give them to women or keep women from getting 2nd dates.

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  • Anonymous i think we need to have a chat. I am not this awkward as the guy in your take but i could certainly use some advice on the matter since i plan to date more this year. Care to PM?

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  • According to feminism men must always ask verbal permission to make a move on a woman. Its all over the media. He was probably confused.

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What Girls Said 19

  • I think this is reasons why a guy wouldn't get a second date with you. You are entitled to your beliefs and standards; personally I don't feel that he was Un accommodating because he didn't want to split nachos, he just didn't feel the same pressure from the wait staff as you. I've gone on many dates and just got a drink. Also, I personally find it rude to expect someone to pay for your date because you are a woman. Especially the first date. I mean don't get me wrong I love to be treated but how can you expect someone to use their money on you, that's a blind investment especially when you don't know their financial situation. I don't think he was awkward. Maybe he was not from the area and truly got lost, as far as asking before kissing, I find that to be very respectful. It also shows he is secure with himself being willing to ask knowing he could be rejected. Obviously you guys didn't vibe well and I'm glad you now have the chance to see other people but him forcing things could be from the vibes you were giving.

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    • maybe that's why you're a single parent. Cuz you're such a die-hard feminist

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    • @tyber1 yes agreed with you and notreallythere. well said to notreallythere also.

    • @idonthaveausername02 oh lol I didn't realize I tagged anyone

  • Sorry but your take is trash to me, and should be to all men, like real men, not boys, in dating world. Reasons are as follows:

    1) Does he have to be hungry for you? Maybe he doesn't eat out. Do you have to eat something during date? You stated that you ate before, you could just drink water to curb your hunger. Easy. Plus you could ask "Will you have dinner?" Whenever I have date at around 6:30-7:00 PM, i text before we meet to ask if he's going to have dinner at home or planning to grab somethingg out. You should not feel entitled by someone accommodating you and giving you comfort everywhere...

    So my first advice to men: ask if you grab somethinng, if the date is coffee/bar date and not dinner setting

    2) I don't expect a strange guy having to pay for my dinner or drink. We both are adults agreeing on a date not on the basis of who's gonna pay, but on the basis of we-drink-we-get-to-know-each-other. If a single man looking for something serious starts paying for all the first dates, probably he'll be broke by the end of the month. Be a strong woman, and go pay for yourself.

    Advice to men: If it is a first date, and woman expects you to pay rather than splitting into two or paying for what she gets, get rid of her unless you want a needy woman who is probably financially unable to support herself. Thou second, third etc. dates, or from time to time once you know a person, chivalry is appreciated.

    3) You say conversation was not flowing. Well, conversation is between two or more people. So it goes both sides. This is a effing first date that the man feel shy, and nervous, and also the woman may feel the same. If he was awkward or nervous, it was your duty to make him feel comfortable by maybe opening talks, following up, listening, smiling more, stating what you think...

    My advice to men: if you feel nervous at first dates and not able to follow a convo, just smile and ask questions in between she's talking. And smile will make the woman comfortable too.

    4) you're sending mixed signals, so it is normal that he asked you if he can kiss you. You seem bothered by his behavior yet you invite him to your place to watch something. Well, it means I want you to kiss me/bang me whatever you do, that's why i accepted your invite right away. Then he wonders if you are as nervous as he is, or you're not interested. And he shows his interest to you.

    My advice to YOU: next time say "let's watch it some other time" rather than accepting on first date.

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    • Sorry but your opinion is trash to me

  • i dont care if a guy doesn't eat bc he's not hungry. i do the same.

    i ont mind paying for myself. i fond it awkward when a guy trues to pay. im not his daughter.

    i think direction complication isn't a bi deal. if you like the person its just an adventure,

    i think its ht if a guy asks fits. sometimes they just pounce.

    i thin you just did not like him.

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  • #1:
    He wasn't hungry. You can't force someone to eat of he/she doesn't want to.
    The hands in his hair issue. Meaby he was just nervous about meeting you. It's hard to judge if he is a tool or just nervous because haven't told us anything about how he was reacting beside his hair. Beside that, have you never fidget with something, for example with your hair, when you were nervous?

    #2:
    You are semi right on this. Yes he shouldn't have payed for his part in advance. It should have been discussed. That said you shouldn't expect that they always pay for you. Honestly, if he/she invited you to somewhere like a restaurant or amusement park or anything remotely expensive they should pay (as it was their idea). But at coffee shop and 1 drink to pay... do you really have no money to spend on that?

    #3:
    He followed you but got lost anyway? Meaby he was to slow or you were to fast, again no real description. Also remember, there are people who have no sense of direction. For example a friend of mine got lost for 1 hour in a fenced off camping area and he is smart.

    I'd rather have a guy ask if it's okay to kiss than that guy forces his tongue in my mouth with no warning, didn't even want to kiss him at all (yes it has happend). He should be able to read the mood and know that it would not be okay, but how many guys are unsure if it's okay to kiss or not?

    In all, you two don't mix so it's logical that there is no second date. Also, get off your high horse like you're better than him. If i were him i wouldn't want to date you a second time anyway.

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  • If he asked, he should have told you he wanted to go dutch upfront. That's what I would say if I asked a guy on a date.

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    • What if he says no?

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    • Wow, the take owner really is sexist. Expects the guy to pay for her. "I only date gentlemen" or "I'm traditional!" is really just a code word for "avoid me, I'm a hypocritical sexist!"

    • @Kirah Amen to that !! Unfortunately her ilk are very common !!


  • "I had already eaten but felt like I needed to order something or the waitress would be staring me down from 10 feet away the whole time."

    Haha, that was funny.

    "He kept running his hand through his hair like he thought he was some kind of male model or a Justin Bieber wannabe. I kinda got the, I'm a tool vibe."

    No, he seems nervous.

    "Mind you, he was the one who had asked me on the date."

    You can't expect someone to pay for you like that.

    "He agreed and offered to watch it with me after we left the bar. I accepted his offer so he followed me to my place."

    He is trying to bond with you.

    "Well, he got lost trying to find my apartment and for some reason, my directions didn't make sense to him."

    It's hard to remember the directions if you're new to an area.

    "I just wasn't used to him yet."

    Really now?

    "He seemed satisfied with that answer but he then asked if he could kiss me."

    Uh... Awkward. That was weird.

    "If she's not putting her face close to you, she doesn't want to be kissed. Pretty simple."

    I agree with that statement.

    But overall, it seems that you're a bit immature, and it also seems that you didn't like him. It seems that you both were uncomfortable.

    Why did you go with him if you didn't like him?

    How can expect someone to pay on a very first date? That person barely even knows you.

    It would be better that you had paid for his and your drink (Hot chocolate/Beer).

    It's your responsibility to pay.

    Well, your date was just awkward for him and you too.

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  • Jeez lady... how long is your checklist, those all seem like minor stuff to me.

    Strike one... strike two... strike three... you're out

    DIVA ALERT!!!

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  • "Not paying for your date"

    I'm sorry, but in the situation you described, you clearly split the bill. Can't you pay for yourself? That's really pathetic.

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    • After reading some of your comments, you really do seem sexist. "I only date gentlemen" = "I'm a selfish princess who wants men to pay for me". Enjoy dying alone.

    • Agree @Kirah , you don't want to pay your own way, so you're not a giver...
      There is so many high value men, that won't even give you a look in honey,
      men with options, love givers

  • i dont see how he was that bad. maybe its you that are deluded:
    -He doesn't have to eat nachos with you. like wtf. he could be fully stuffed or allergic to corn. they could give him gasses or whatever. and you call HIM non-empathetic?
    -He doesn't have to pay for you.
    -Most women ARE bad at giving directions.
    -Being considerate and asking you wasn't bad. Do you prefer smooth players that just use you to their liking?

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  • It doesn't matter who asked who out. You're not a child or being held against your will, pay for yourself.

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  • The fact that he pointed out the cheap nachos doesn't mean anything, maybe he knows that they were really good at that bar or something. Him running his hand through his hair could be because he was nervous, based on what you said, he doesn't really seem to want to give off a Justin Bieber vibe. Not having paid for you shouldn't have been that big of an issue, I mean you have your own money, I doubt you can't afford your own hot chocolate. Him getting lost on the way to your place in't that ridiculous either, in my opinion. People can get lost when they go somewhere they've never been. Him asking for a kiss is indeed pretty awkward, that's the only thing I agree with.

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  • Let me get this straight, you are just pissed that you didn't get a free meal... XD
    And, so what if he doesn't pay for you? Aren't you capable of paying yourself? And you were checking him instead of getting to know him... That's just plain horrible. I have never dated before but I can say.
    He asked for a kiss. So what huh? You do know that he was nervous, right?
    Believe me, you don't really want to get punched in the mouth by his mouth. XD
    And why are you making this a big issue like this? XD

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  • 1) why would you feel like you need to order something in the first place? If you're not hungry then you're not hungry. Shit. And you can't get mad at him for not being hungry.
    2) who cares of he fucks around with his hair a lot?
    3) while it would have been a nice gesture, he's not obligated to pay for you.
    4) that's actually kind of weird to me, tbh. Were I him I wouldn't even have asked to go back to your place and were I you I dont think I would have let him. Esp not for just one episode, you know. But that's just me.
    5) oh shit. Guys asking for permission. Call the fire department. :I

    You seem to have just found an awkward person. Okay. Cool story. Seeing as how we know nearly nothing of how /you/ acted on the date, I guess all we can really do is demonize the male and blame him for your unsatisfactory date.

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  • lol its so uncomfortable when people in general don't pick up on the fact you didn't like them. I went on date w/a guy, I didn't show a ton of interest in him and he wanted a date the next day. He also tried to kiss me and ended up kissing me on the cheek. I tried to cut him off nicely, then ended up completely ignoring, he at last got the message. Another guy I went on a date w/was very nice, but I wasn't into him, he messaged me after the date, but when he saw the lack of interest he stopped contacting me. That was it and I still remember the date as enjoyable.

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  • It just sounds like you guys aren't compatible. That's what dating is for. NEXT.

    Cheers to the next one being so much better

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  • I don't really see what the big deal is with not ordering the food. Neither of you were hungry, so it would have been pointless to order nachos. You said yourself that you felt obligated to order it. It turned out that you didn't have to.

    With paying for the date, the only part I can see you being annoyed about is that he wasn't upfront about it. I don't see anything wrong with the guy not paying for the date, but that's because I feel uncomfortable letting someone pay for me. I think he should have told you that he'd already paid for himself just so it wouldn't come as a surprise to you.

    Other then that though, I don't really see what the problem was.

    Maybe he asked if he could kiss you because you were nervous. You'd just told him that you weren't used to him yet. My guess is that he was just as nervous as you were feeling.

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  • I don't think he did much wrong.

    Why should he eat if he's not hungry? Just order your food and let him just have a drink.

    I don't mind paying for myself on a date. It's nice if the man pays, simply because it shows he is keen, but it's not essential.

    It's not his fault he got lost.

    Also, I seem to be in the minority, but I actually find it quite sweet when a bloke asks if he can kiss me.

    I've been on far worse dates! lol!

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  • interesting to read

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  • Oh boy, you sound like a text-book narcissist. And like most narcissists you're unable to understand that you are one.

    I feel for the guy/cats that you'll end up with.

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    • empathy=zero. not only everything she said revolved around herself. she didn't even fathom he could have a cush on her and be nervous around her or something... .

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