What I Learned from Being a Cheater

[amandaschwartz]

Cheating isn't right by any means, and I know I'm guilty. However, it made me learn a lot about myself. I hope this helps others.

Lack of self confidence

I lacked self confidence in a big way. Although men would tell me i'm attractive, I didn't necessarily see myself that way. I had acne, which I covered up with makeup, and I was terrified of being alone. Spending time with different men made me feel like I had value, as my self worth was reliant on what other people said versus how I felt inside.

I haven't found the right guy

Up until I met my current boyfriend, it never felt right with other guys. Although I was dating them, no one really caught my heart, and although their company was nice, it was never sufficient for me to stop my ways. That's how I knew I found the man for me, when cheating became so unattractive.

I try to compensate for what I want by dating many men

I found traits in different men that I liked and dated them all. Instead of finding one men with all traits, I was bouncing back and forth seeking what I wanted/needed in many suitors. This was unhealthy and certainly a place that was a dark part of my life.

I don't believe the man is genuine/invested

People question my moral compass. Well here is my perspective. In this day and age, there are many con artists, manipulators and players out there. I sensed that the men I was dating were somewhat disingenuous and not invested, in my eyes. Perhaps it was my lack of trust or the unwillingness to get hurt emotionally that stunted my ability to act in a righteous manner.

I've been hurt before and this has desensitized me

I was hurt before by a guy that I dated for many years. I carried that pain with me, and although I may have forgiven him, I certainly didn't forget. It was easy for me to just be cold and do what felt good for me at the time versus the right thing in general.

[Anonymous]

Those are the most silly/petty reasons to ever cheat. Don't be mad if the guy of your dreams cheats on you.

[Unit1]

More like the guy of her dreams turns her down because he knows, that she cheated and expects the same happening to him.

[coachTanthony]

I liked your take.. it was honest... thanks for sharing. Hopefully this is the one.

[Apope16]

You were hurt before. .. so you hurt others? Lets not glorify cheating folks.

What kind of cheating? Talking to guys? Sex? I believe that some levels are forgivable.

[seby1607]

Since when is talking to guys cheating? Come on, if you don't allow your girlfriend to talk to the other sex, that is a lack of confidence and trust in the relationship tbh.

[Apope16]

@seby1607 I think you are jumping to conclusions when I asked a rhetorical question. I do not think that talking to guys is cheating nor am I some controlling a****** type of boyfriend. The reason why I am asking is because I was once talking to girls online and my girlfriend who is not my ex started freaking out. So I have experience is personally even though I may be talking to someone I've never met in my entire life.

[independentman]

Lack of self confidence- you're not the only girl who lack in confidence, even guys and other girls lack in confidence and therefore they never cheated, don't blame confidence for cheating you sound stupid.
I haven't found the right guy-pretty indecisive from what things you want from guys that is practically one of the main reason you cheat
I try to compensate for what I want by dating many men-none not even your current boyfriend has all traits you seach back then, all those guys made you become more realistic and also made you lower your high expectations
I don't believe the man is genuine/invested-the lack of trust was in yourself, you're still with a guy, the fact you changed was based on experience not the person you are now with. I agree that there are many players that's why you could outclass them if you were smart enough, even though you know you let yourself driven by desires.
I've been hurt before and this has desensitized me- I am also hurt by someone close that means I should cheat? Some people manage their pain differntly without hurting others (and make others become victims too) so is better to try stuff others did.
Putting all togheter main things that made you cheat we're you're desire to be loved and appreciated, you're expectations we're too high, indecisive of what you actually want from a partner, and managing one self.

[FakeName123]

"I haven't found the right guy

Up until I met my current boyfriend, it never felt right with other guys. Although I was dating them, no one really caught my heart, and although their company was nice, it was never sufficient for me to stop my ways. That's how I knew I found the man for me, when cheating became so unattractive."

So because they weren't the right match you kept cheating? Seriously?

[AleDeEurope]

It's sad to be trashy... but can we blame them? Should we blame their parents for raising trash? Clearly parents do a bad job when a person goes through all this. Morals and self confidence weren't taught correctly, or weren't taught at all. But at the same time, the person does go to school were morals are taught (supposedly), so we could say it's both the parents and the own person's fault that they're trash.

Hopefully what you've actually learned about all this shittiness you've done, is that if you ever have a kid, raise them better than you were raised. Teach them morals, teach them what's right and what's wrong. Teach them empathy (can someone who's not empathetic teach empathy, though? :/ ). Teach them to love themselves and to not seek validation. Raise better kids than yourself.

[HaveQuestions]

I appreciate your points, but I'm going to push it further. Can we blame them for their choice in actions? Absolutely. That's assigning responsibility for their actions, and we need more of that, not less.

I have no patience for assigning blame for some extraordinarily shitty behavior, on anyone else but the person doing it. You are not absolved from your behavior because you lacked anything from anyone. You are a damn adult, and are 100% solely responsible for your choices. You may have "issues" from your past, but none of them give you a single pass for spreading your hurt around onto everyone around you to for them to hold while you "figure yourself out."

I have zero patience or tolerance for people who hurt others because they have been hurt. None. In fact, I hold you to a higher standard. Why? People who have been hurt should know the extreme pain of it, and refuse to ever inflict that kind of assault on someone else's existence.

You may have "learned" from this,

[HaveQuestions]

but it came at the expense of how many other people? Your self esteem, your insecurity, your actions are YOURS. You vomited your pain onto others, to make yourself feel better. That... is inexcusable.

It isn't at all what they were taught or not. It's what they choose. And there are no free passes for choosing to inflict harm on others as an adult.

[AleDeEurope]

@HaveQuestions True, that's why I ended up blaming both her and the parents. She is 100% responsible for her actions, but still, the way parents raise their kids plays a huge role on what type of decision their kids will end up making. Kids that received little love from their parents end up craving attention in the future and will do shitty stuff like cheat or have sex with any guy/girl that gives them attention.
But I agree, in the end, the fault of her actions, is completely on her.

[HaveQuestions]

I am fully understanding of the weight in development that parental influence has. It can either be a protective/mitigating factor, or a risk factor. It remains one factor, albeit powerful.

I hate to be so coldly blunt, but the reality is, no one is promised an easy childhood. Do I wish it was different? Yes. The reality is, some people are given harder roads from day 1 than others. They have more work to do to overcome negative patterns. Is that fair? No. It is simply the truth. Every child deserves a good upbringing, and I'm very well versed in the difference that can make. I'm also very well versed in the reality that a childhood lacking in anything is not an excuse to actively hurt others as an adult.

I cannot split the responsibility. Once you are an adult, your faults are yours to own. Some people have mountains to overcome, but they do. Some choose to inflict their pain on others, instead of being responsible, thereby spreading pain rather than healing it.

[HaveQuestions]

Actively, consciously, and without remorse infliction of pain is not defensible. Are the people she hurt less harmed if they know she MAY have lacked love as a child? No.

This is why we impose penalties on harmful adult behavior, even in the presence of mitigating factors. Barring intellectual, deficiency and in certain circumstances of mental illness (definition of legally sane is NOT equivalent with a diagnosis of disorder) adults are solely responsible for the harm they do. If you hit and kill a person unintentionally because you were racing to the hospital to see a loved one, are they any less dead? What about the damage done to their family? Are you less responsible because you had a vested interest in your own travel and not theirs?

It's simply not defensible to do what she has done. Splitting responsibility for actions of choice should, and is necessarily, an extremely limited circumstance.

[Chief16]

Well, the thing is most cheaters keep themselves in denial, knowing full well, what they did was wrong. And most of the times they even try to justify it. And that's why there's so much hate for cheaters. Its one thing to be wrong and entirely another to justify it.
And most of the reasons here really feel petty. Like the type you'd expect from those people who just want to find reasons to cheat.
Sorry, I was looking for something more genuine and mature here. But I can't find it at all.

[Kit_Kat88]

The human mind can be very persuasive in some cases. Your mistakes were due to not being able to fill the empty gap. Even though most people go through one or more of these reasons, your mind wasn't strong enough to resist your desires and insecurities. You can only grow stronger at this point if you try. For now you need to focus on self improvement. You're still young and have plenty of time to increase self esteem and become the best character for yourself. Looking back at your past will be all but a distant memory of how much greater of a person you've came to become.

[guysaskgirls555]

you cheat because of your insecurities then ironically, you talk about trust later on in the post. you talk about how none of the men were right for you but the truth is you were the only problem. They didn't cause you to cheat, it was you as there is no excuse for it. You dont like your relationship? leave. you dont believe the man was genuine and invested? and what of you? were you genuine dating multiple men at once? someone hurt you? grow up. We all get hurt but there is something called a moral compass that should stop you from hurting others who have nothing to do with your stupidity. You should have had one more lesson learned which is even after all this you STILL try and justify it with excuses which is clear that you haven't learned anything at all. You stopped cheating for a guy you like? the conclusion you should have drawn from everything is how much of a scum you are

[Iraqveteran666]

I hope you also learned that being a cheater is a mark against you when it comes to dating and will be a big influence on the guys you date in the future as to if they will want a long term relationship with you or just casual sex. Most guys I'm afraid view women with a history of cheating as tainted and a poor prospect for dating, long term relationships and of course marraige and kids.

[Anonymous]

What you should have learned instead of making excuses to justify your actions, is that you are not worth being with because you will never be happy with what you have as long as you think there might be something better.

[1988fido]

nice and thanks for sharing this with us. but it seems like u didn't quit for the right reason.
should have quitted not because u think u found the right man but simply put coz the act itself is wrong by its own.

good luck

[Elarra]

"My [Poor] Excuses For Why I Am A Cheater."

Fixed your title.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting how women will say THERE'S NEVER A VALID REASON TO CHEAT... until it's a woman who is doing the cheating and she explains all her emotions and reasons for it... then suddenly they are supportive. LOL

[Jessicocoa]

What are you going on about? Literally only 1 out of the 4 women who replied said something supportive.

[Opinion Owner]

@Jessicocoa Right, and that 25% are exactly who I was "going on" about. So tell me again what your point was?

[Jessicocoa]

Because using such a such a small sample size to support that statement is god awful statistics, especially since you have no idea if that one single woman has ever said "THERE'S NEVER A VALID REASON TO CHEAT".

[Jessicocoa]

Oh and the women who said op has petty reasons 4 female upvotes while the one support op has one female downvotes and no upvotes.

[spnsfi]

What you didn't learn about yourself but should have: you are a horrible human being.

[Anonymous]

I was cheated on.
It didn't really hurt me. Why? Because I knew pretty soon she wasn't the woman I wanted to share my life.
It didn't really hurt me thus I wasn't even angry. And looking back, I still think she wasn't the one. but I should have cheated on her too.

[Anonymous]

Fucking liar, you fucked other guys because you wanted to, you felt like it and didn't give a shit how to would affect the guy.

[vishna]

I don't see you as trying to justify what you did. I wouldn't agree with that... I think you're being honest, very honest, about why you made the decisions you did and why you hurt people.

[FaithfulGuardian]

So you wrote such a long MyTake just to indirectly admit that you are a bitch?

[ShayanMortazavi1998]

Preach!

[TheUsername27]

Be funny if the one now cheats on you because you don't tick all of his boxes.

[Toad-1]

Brace yourself for a bunch of hate

[amandaschwartz]

Yep! But it doesn't matter, I hope that someone can read this and actually take something useful from this. At least i'm honest. :)

[1988fido]

I do that 2 , I admit the crap I have done , bopping someone learn. being honest sort of back fire most of the time.

[guysaskgirls555]

@amandaschwartz there is nothing ''useful'' to take from here. you cheated for your insecurity, lack of preference in a guy and you only stopped because you found a guy you like. Out of all the lessons learned the biggest one should of been how much of a scum you are. There is never any excuse for cheating. We ''hate'' you for the people you have hurt and the lack of remorse you clearly have. you are a disgusting human.

[Prof_Don]

The point u made about dating many men to "piece together all your needs" is a big one. From what I've heard from female friends who are chronic daters, this is why they found it hard to settle down