How Not to Be a Cheater

[Ozanne]

Not all cheaters are the same. There are the cheaters who are simply out to play, not caring about what their partner might feel, and there are cheaters who regretfully make their mistake(s). Before I say much more, know that I do not condone cheating, and this myTake is hoping before you make a terrible choice to be deceitful to your partner why you should think again and do the right thing: Either end it, or work on your relationship.

Auntie Ozanne’s Guide to Combat Cheating Tendencies

1. No matter what, your (faithful) partner deserves fidelity. Even if your partner is treating you miserably, and you are so unhappy with how things have developed, two wrongs don’t make a right. If your partner has made all efforts to be faithful but lacks giving you love in other areas in your relationship, this does not give you a free pass to be unfaithful. Faithfulness deserves faithfulness. A miserable partner still gave it their all to be faithful, so no matter how unpleasant they are, that aspect should be reciprocated. Best to work on why you feel unhappy or work on ways to leave.

2. Your reputation should be guarded. Cheaters don’t usually get away with not being outed. Even if you thought you were being careful, and the person you cheated with was a decent person, it doesn’t change the deception toward your partner. Once outed, the old saying, “once a cheater always a cheater” will be associated with you, even if you are convinced you’ll never do it again.

3. Stop the foreseeable guilt. Even if getting away with cheating, that little voice in your head will always know the truth about you. Don’t give that little voice any reason to have anything to say about you except the fact that you really did try in this relationship to be a good partner, and you didn’t succumb to advances from the opposite sex no matter how bad things got.

4. Don’t let them find out so they can break up with you first. What a horrible way to end a relationship for both you and your partner! If you think your partner is so clingy and nothing you are doing is working when you try to leave, there really is no more hurtful thing a couple can go through than a breakup whereby someone was a cheat. If they don’t get the message with what you're saying, simply try again. Break up. Move out. Change your number. Take them off Facebook. Change your relationship status to Single. Make it clear you are in fact, single. Better to break their heart the honest way than make yourself look bad in the process by cheating.

5. Don’t be cute for your friends. If friends are ribbing you about your love life and think you should be out playing the field because they don’t approve of your partner, remember that friends really do come and go, your partner agreed in to this union with you to love you and be there for you in more ways than your friends will be. If your partner is not up to their standards and they try and talk you in to going out and finding someone better, learn how to defend what means most to you. Maybe it means finding new friends. Better yet, couple-friends you can hang around with together with your partner. Cheating under peer-pressure is a power trip with some nasty people who mask as friends who are insecure and probably jealous of what you have. They aren’t looking out for your best interest, because what they are encouraging you to do is to be dishonest. What kind of friends do that?

6. Don’t cheat because you think you can get away with it. I don’t know how else to say this, but people eventually do get found out. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but at some point, your phone will be unlocked, a wrong email will be sent to your partner, a friend of theirs will see you, or your cheating-connection will bump in to you on the street with your partner, you just never know what will be brought to light! What's worse, if your cheating-connection becomes a loose cannon, they too could make trouble and contact your partner. Very rarely is stuff hidden that well, no matter how slick you think you can be. If you think the consequences will be rough, simply don’t do it. Find out your reasons for wanting something outside the relationship whether it’s an issue from a past bad relationship, or maybe what you saw from your parents growing up. Your partner shouldn’t have to go through the pain of something that wasn’t their problem to begin with if they are an innocent bystander after what is going on.

7. Temptations are not worth it. If you meet someone outside your relationship and you suddenly think, “What am I doing? This is the person I’m meant to be with, they’re so perfect.” Really ask yourself why that might be. Is it because your partner farts on the couch, doesn’t brush their teeth in the morning before kissing you, wears awful clothes around the house and just seems to have given up? Well, sad but true, this is what happens when two people become comfortable together. Your dream mate will also end up this way when you meet them and you don’t even know it yet. They too will smell up the bathroom, burp, fart, show some undesirable traits after some time, and you’ll wonder why you left your good thing before because you didn’t consider that not everyone remains perfect after a while with their partner. If you truly think you met your match and you disagree with this, then give it time and consider the seriousness of it. If it still seems like they are your true love, then that is reason enough to explain to your partner that you need out so you can find your happiness. Better that than start your new relationship as a cheating one, giving your next partner the fear that you might do it to them some day.

8. No one deserves to be put at risk with an STD. Not you, and not your partner. Even if you think you're planning on having "safe sex" with someone remember nothing is guaranteed except abstinence. We were all taught that in sex ed in school. This means abstinence from all others while you are in a monogamous relationship is the safest and only way to prevent STDs. Condoms break, people lie about their sexual past, you just never know what you're in for, and you and your partner will have to live with the consequence that will affect your health, in some cases for the rest of your lives if you choose to cheat.

Finally....

9. Leave if you’re so unhappy. I can’t stress this enough. If you feel that the relationship is really not doing it for you, but you haven’t the heart to leave, don’t make cheating the alternative. If you have much to risk by leaving such as kids, the house, or who will get the dog, and you really can’t take any more of the relationship but miss the companionship of someone who you think might respect or love you better, then by all means find it!--after you leave. Believe it or not, break ups do survive after homes and kids are to be had. You don’t need to martyr yourself at home, denying yourself the pleasure of a good relationship with someone else. Chances are, and sorry to bust up your ego, but your partner might be equally unhappy and might want to end things too, but is also afraid to tell you so.

Remember cheating fixes nothing. It only makes things worse. You may have the kind of personality where you tell yourself you didn’t mean for it to happen, but you certainly do know the lead up of bad times with your partner to recognize that something hurtful will be done unless you leave or fix your relationship. Give yourself credit that you have the strength and self-control to do what’s right rather than get your quick fix. Your partner isn’t just the only one deserving of this respect. You deserve your own self-respect.

[Rapunzel2490]

I think #9 is the golden rule here. I think the majority of people who cheat do it because there is something they aren't getting from their relationship. Some people are greedy pigs. But most are missing something from what they have. They need to express what they want, and if it doesn't work it's time to move on.

[DarkHumorRUs]

Seriously, do people actually need a guide for this? I know I'm not the only one who simply knows that I'll never cheat in my entire life.

[Unit1]

I was kinda thinking the same but this guide does have some valid points. Breaking up before having sex with other people does actually makes sense. Hell, you can even cheat now and then tell your partner the next day it's simply over.

This guide is put up somewhat more interesting than the usual "don't cheat and you won't suffer" ways.

But overall I agree, a guide to not to cheat is - in my opinion - aimed for the lower sort of people, who can't get it with the cheating thingy :-/

[DarkHumorRUs]

Yeah, but the thing is, breaking up before having sex with other people is the most FUCKING OBVIOUS thing ever.

[DarkHumorRUs]

By the way OP, "How not to be a cheater" actually means "What I suggest you don't do if you are a cheater".
If you meant "What I suggest you do if you don't want to be a cheater" it should've been titled "How to not be a cheater".

[serp777]

"No matter what, your (faithful) partner deserves fidelity. "
False assumption. Some relationships work better when people are allowed to play the field a little bit. It keeps things more fresh and prevents sex from getting stale. Its just a ridiculous modern preconception that fidelity is a virtue. Its not. The only immoral thing is lying to your partner about fidelity. There's nothing inherently wrong about infidelity.

"Your reputation should be guarded. Cheaters don’t usually get away with not being outed. "
Of course they get away with it. They can just move. And most other people usually don't care whatsoever about some other person's cheating. Furthermore living in a city that's even remotely large will provide a person who cheated with plenty of other opportunities. Unless you live in a town with 100 people this point is irrelevant.

"Stop the foreseeable guilt. Even if getting away with cheating, that little voice in your head will always know the truth about you"
If no one can possibly figure out then who cares? It wouldn't affect anyone if no one finds out. As long as no one is hurt, and a couple of people benefit, then I don't see any problem. If no one can find out then its not big deal.

"Don’t cheat because you think you can get away with it."
Why not? If it doesn't hurt anyone and helps two people then it should be done. Again nothing is inherently wrong with cheating because sex is just a simple biological act. Simply having sex implies nothing about deeper feelings. So indulging your desires can help to prolong your relationship. And you don't have to lie to do it either. You're treating sex like something that's very important. That's just a presumption though and just a reflection of your interpretation of morality.

" Temptations are not worth it."
According to you. Who are you to say whether a temptation is worth it or not?

"No one deserves to be put at risk with an STD."
There are things called condoms which can protect you from that risk. This point is irrelevant.

" Leave if you’re so unhappy. "
Its a failure to assume that if you cheat, you must be unhappy. Maybe you just want to play the field. Maybe you'd just like to take a break and see someone else. You can be happy and still feel like cheating. There is no reason unhappiness has to inherently go with cheating. So overall this opinion is based simply on your opinion of morality which we don't have to agree with.

[AdenAK]

I've cheated on my current girlfriend and still doing it. But cheating is alluring. I tell you why its because I love my girlfriend but she doesn't provide sexual variety. I cheat only when im away from her and I take precautionss:
1) never in my family house or hers
2) have a bath after plus new clothes
3) condom and no kissing
4) special phone for those girls

As a guy I feel like when im older I won't cheat like when im married. But it's actually a fun lifestyle the fear of getting caught. there's no point insulting me because I dont see this girl in my life forever anyway.
I live by the idea that what they dont know won't hurt them. But anyway for monogamous people.
Id say dont make freinds with hot girls or it becomes difficult
Make sure if your like me that your interested in sexual variety you specify to her what you want if she refuses then it's not your fault.
Break up with her before getting pussy.
Make sure your girlfriend is strong mentally because a girlfriend who has a weak mindset is easily fooled into taking you back your more likely to do it.

[Ozanne]

Would you be upset to find out she's cheating on you?

[AdenAK]

Yes I would but then again it's probably hypocritical but she's mine. The thing is she's the type of person who is really loyal I can tell by what she says and how shocked she gets when she hears her freijd was cheated on. I dont cheat on her because I dont like her but what women dont understand is that men can want to have sex with another girl even in a relationship.

[Ozanne]

If you love her, would you not want her to find a mate who can love her completely in a way that wouldn't hurt her? You sound like you want to have it all, but are denying her respect and honesty - which are two things you take away with infidelity regardless whether or not she knows it. You are able to have what you want, but deny her the things she wants from keeping her in the dark, making her think she already is with a guy who is giving her everything.

I'm sorry, but you just sound like a coward. If you have no problem cheating on her, and don't intend to stay with her anyway, give her some valuable years back and just end it. It sounds like you like the idea that you might love her, but your actions say you don't. Let her go off and find a faithful guy if you love her so much. Here you are sneaking around and creating more work for yourself and she's in the dark. How is this good for either of you? I don't get it.

[AdenAK]

I do respect her. It benefits me simply because I have a stable supply of sex from my girlfriend. And a random hookup which keeps me from getting bored. I know I sound bad or crazy. But it's the truth. If I do break up with her she won't know about this so she will be ok. For me I dont feel guilty about cheating until I feel an emotional connection to the other girl. The thing is im a nice guy and my girlfriend is really nice to me so maybe I'll stop cheating on her and keep my girlfriend.

[Ozanne]

Aww :) Yeah, geez I would. Why risk losing a girl like that? :)

[AdenAK]

Your right I just had a apiffany I shouldn't treat her badly especially because I can see it in her eyes how much she cares for me. I dont want to. be a person who fucks over a nice girl. Im wwondering should I break up wwith her and tell her or should I stay?

[Ozanne]

Just stay, enjoy her while you're together.

[confusedone14]

As a happily married man, I've had my share of attention and a couple of crushes but aside from drunken flirting I never acted on my impulses.

Sure I thought about it but in the end it would just be sex and drama and my Wife has given and continues to give me so much.

The pain and hurt that cheating causes is just not with it not to mention if you get caught, you will lose a lot of respect from Friends and Family and be labeled a filthy cheater that broke someone's trust and crushed them.

It's just not worth it.

[Ozanne]

Thank you, yes, always good to hear more reasons why this is a bad idea. There can never be too many. LOL

[Moose2coolvargas]

Wow well said

[Rissyanne]

Why would you cheat? If your wife is taking care of you.

[confusedone14]

Huh?

[Gangstarlicious]

Ahaha you actually made a post for how not to be a cheater. How bad must society be getting for a dude to make a post like this. I assume this is more directed towards men. But yea guys shouldn't need a how to manual not to cheat. It's almost obvious that it shouldn't be done and it shouldn't be accepted, But ladies need to play a part in this too and in ways in how they pick their partners for cheating wouldn't be so big if the key attributes females where looking for was love not money or good looks. For as so long as some shallow attribute is desired we will continue to rave and complain about this subject.

[Ozanne]

Well, just having fun with creating myTakes, that's all. :) I also think that if people consider more than one reason of why it's a bad idea to consider it, then maybe something I said here would get someone to say to themselves, "Oh shit, yeah, I never considered Number 6..." (I deliberately use that point because so many people who cheat are just so incredibly stupid. No one ever thinks they'll get caught, or that their lover will be scorned at some point to do some damage..) :)

[Unit1]

Summarizing this take: How to NOT cheat.

1. Don't cheat!
1,5. [Remember: Relationships won't change on your partners end. You control your side.]
2. If you still feel the urge to cheat, then end your relationship NOW. That's right. BREAK UP already!
3. Enjoy sexy time ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
4. Do not forget to turn your relationship status to single. That means remove yourself from your now ex.
5. You didn't cheat. Hooray!

[Ozanne]

You don't think salvaging the relationship if something is wrong with it to make the person want to cheat is worth working on? :( There are so many couples that go through cheating and THEN go to couples therapy to get help when it's too late. Why does it have to be this way? Why not recognize there is an issue or why one person might be feeling temptations and get that sorted out?

(Love your smiley face! How did you make that?)

[Unit1]

I'm figuring if someone is unhappy in a relationship and tries to fix it, soon it would be too much effort and could aswell just end the relationship. People change, yes but some do take either great amount of time to blink in to the light or simply stay the same. There are actually 2 kinds of people: The one's, that change on their own and the one's that seems like they do not. I just don't get why people remain in unhappy or abusive relationships when their partner is simply a jerk instead of just moving on.

Was it me to be in a relationship I would be unhappy with for any reason, I would consider breaking up right early before it may develop in to a fairly big damage. Before doing so, I would have a serious talk about that topic.

This ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ? It's called the Lenny face, don't ask me who invented it or why exactly "Lenny face". Google up [Lenny face] or visit TEXTFAC. ES (web browser). Easy to remember, easy to copy-paste.

[Unit1]

But then again... I'm currently not looking for a relationship.
You see, I'm a person, who values himself and takes serious things, that are to be taken seriously seriously, straight to the point, no waste of time etc... I don't 'wank' around aimlessly.

[BiffWebster]

you either want to be with somebody or you don't, its not complicated. This take is so stupid. The problem is that people hang in their relationship too long. They do this because they think he or she can change. But nobody ever changes... so they go out and cheat to get that relief, and return out of guilt because they don't want to be alone, or with the mentality "i can make it better."

You don't need to read an entire point by point system... its redundant

[Ozanne]

Wow. Never heard one of my myTakes called stupid before. Always a first. Ever think that maybe someone considering cheating might find a clue or two why it's not justified? That was the point.

[BiffWebster]

-_- i shouldn't have said stupid... Over complicated is what i meant

[Scrambled]

What happens if (this is a rarer situation than usual), you not happy, but you still love her as a person, and if you left her, the consequence would be her financial ruin, her removal from the country of her family? This is very close to what's happening with me.

[Ozanne]

I don't have a clue. I just know that a guy-friend of mine and his wife had a mutual understand that her loss of libido and refusal to give him sex meant she was perfectly fine with him getting what he needed elsewhere. Had they divorced it would have been the same thing, but they worked something out to stay together as roommates and besties, more or less.

[Scrambled]

My dear: respect😉 I appreciate your example there. This is a level 10/10 complication. That's the agreement we are on as well at the moment. I'm allowed (under strict conditions) to get it elsewhere

[Ozanne]

Wow, that is really an unfortunate situation for you. I don't know what to say. If it means compromise and you are fine with it, then I wish you both a lot of luck and hope things work out. :(

[dangerDoge]

Nice take! I've seen a number of questions on here talking about how they have growing feelings for someone while they are in a relationship. People seem to forget that they can just leave if a relationship ever gets too rotten and that cheating leads to more problems than solutions. What you say in this makes much sense.

[Ozanne]

That's what I think. I gave a lot more thought to this after I wrote it, and believe a lot of cheaters want to be caught and have their partner end the relationship for them as they feel it's a sure fire way to get out of something. My husband did this years ago to one of his exes and we talked about it and he was so regretful having to go through it, as it inevitably ended of course, but he hates the attachment of "cheater" he associate to himself when he remembers that time. It's too much of a shitty thing to have to live with knowing you completely deceived someone all for a moment of pleasure that in the end, never meant much anyway.

[Dandeus]

Perhaps people cheat for different reasons, but all cheaters are the same once they cross the line. There is absolutely no excuse for it.

So, how not to cheat? Don't be a selfish douchebag.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the take. Which that reminds me, this girl I dated who used me as a rebound is back with her ex that she complained about and she's cheating on him by keeping an active okcupid profile and looking for hookups on tinder. She said she's in an "open relationship" on her okcupid profile but I call bullshit. I feel like getting back at her for manipulating me into thinking she wanted a relationship when she was just using me to get back at her ex by sending this to her ex but then again it's probably best not to because I have a girl I'm dating from tinder so I don't ruin it with her.

[Moose2coolvargas]

To some women, don't even look at a another woman. Yep happened to me standing in the buffet line at a restaurant. The lady was asking what I wanted to eat so I had to look in the direction of the food, I could feel my face burning from the stare down. Went to sit down and ate, then she asks why was you checking her out? Did you like what you see? You sure was looking

[Ozanne]

Okay, that sucks and everything, but what does that have to do with cheating?

[confusedone14]

Temptation?

[Moose2coolvargas]

I guess but it made me feel like she was thinking one as cheating of that makes any sense

[Anonymous]

Guys cheat mainly because the playing field is large. Women only find around 20% of the world's men attractive, so that creates multiple opportunities for guys that are in that percentage. Sure attractive people can be loyal, but its not the case most of the time. A guy in that percentage range may cheat with a lesser attractive woman because its easy sex, but really these women who are unattractive/ lesser attractive do it because its an opportunity to have sex with someone that they may consider to be out of their league when it comes to a bf/gf relationship. That's the benefit of being a unattractive/lesser attractive girl because they still get to have sex, unlike the unattractive lesser attractive guy with no money/or just getting by who gets nothing AT ALL.

[CityBoy773]

The only way to not be a cheater is to not fuck around with other people if you're in a relationship. Common sense.

[abundantlyrich]

I feel it won't matter unless they have witness other cheaters' lives who's gone down the drain.

Cheaters cheat because they can't get sex or they are away from home and working somewhere far away, met someone very attractive at work. The situation can be about the fact he has three children, one being autistic. (true case)

I would like to hear from a cheater's perspective one day.

[sp33d]

Cheating is brought about by lack of communication. What ever argument one may bring: cut off from sex, no desire, sex drives at different time of the day or just because.

We mostly can't read thoughts, so what ever problems either one has, irrelevant how insignificant they might seem, you need to talk about them. If you alienate, well, you reap what you sow, I guess.

[Cowboy6666]

I have never cheated anyone, so any girl ready to mingle? ;)

[Ozanne]

Learning of non-cheats will always make me smile. :)

[SomeoneImportant]

When I clicked on this

I expected to just see "Don't fuck other women"

[Hannah591]

I think if you need to be told/shown not to cheat, then you shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Good take Ozanne! :)

[Pyramid-Princess]

I loved your Take. I am an extremely Loyal person, betraying someone is something i would never do. I have a conscience and great self-control , so if i was unhappy in a relationship i would either try to work it out together or end the relationship.

[vishna]

Great MyTake. People should weigh out the consequences and their partners feelings, in addition to what is obviously right v wrong, before cheating.

[Ozanne]

Thank you :) That's what I figured. Cheating sometimes is not very well thought out by a cheater, and if there is one example in there that they didn't consider, maybe they'll take away that one example and realize how wrong it would be to cheat in the first place, and to either fix their relationship or get out of it.

[vishna]

Exactly. I loved your take. And hopefully it will detour a few people, or change someone's mind.