When a girl grows up smart and pretty, guys go after her, she then tends to act evil and behaves indifferent. I was a girl just like this. Now I'm sitting here, hurt. Not by guys, nor by anybody else, but myself.
When I finished my long term relationship 2 years ago, I don't know what is love anymore. I go out and play with boys, I feel like I seldom have guys that I couldn't get, I feel like the nights are mine. None of those relationships lasted long, some are weeks, some are one night long. Some guys did love me, but I took them granted. Some of them even have girlfriends, but I lie to myself that it is not important, because I don't want to marry him. Now when I think back, I can't figure out how I turned into someone like this, from an angel to a devil, and enjoying the misery I've created to others and myself. I haven't felt real joy for 2 years already.
Amongst the guys I've met, this boy tells me how it is like to be someone who cares. The night I met him, is the day when I just stopped seeing another boy. When he couldn't move his sight to somewhere else, I knew that he's fallen into me. We drank the whole night out, then he took me for a walk in the park. He was trying to make me happy the whole night, smiling, and a bit of teasing. He was trying to kiss but I ignored it. What a playboy, I thought. I still remember how the moon looked like in that park in our cozy little town, it was beautiful, and we said we wanted to be vampires. And I remember when I finally let him kiss me, his mouth was sweet and soft. I didn't like him much at that time, I liked his kiss though. Energetic and passionate, long and wet. He was so addicted into me that he kept kissing me all the night and all the way home.
He holds my hands like real lovers do, but in my mind I just think, he is a playboy and he treats every girl like this. So the following days when he sent me messages, I ignored on purpose, or reply one day after his message. I asked him out whenever I want and he always made time for me. The night when I went home with him, he treated me like a princess, he was as gentle as he is, felt what I feel, and always took care of me. He was inside of my body for a long time, I felt this is something warm deep from my body, not just sex, but like what lovers do, that I've missed for years. He said he wanted to see me more. And I don't believe him.
But when I understood him it's already too late. He might be a playboy but he was real to me. He is such a smart person and doing so good in his career that made me feel myself a shame, so I became unhappy. When he said, life is too short to be a jerk, I understood why his friends like him that much. He was kind to me but I was sad and emotional with him. After one day I finally yelled at him, said, do not contact me anymore, he then finally stopped messaging me.
I was shocked, I thought he would come back to me the next day, begging me. But I didn't hear from him for a week. I found myself already began to love him, but it's already too late.The next time I saw him was a month later, he saw me by accident in the street. He rushed to me happily, saying hi. I was surprised, I thought I would never see him anymore. So we decided to have a drink and talk the next day.
And during the period I didn't see him, I didn't see anybody else. Life was a mess that month, a friend of mine died all of a sudden and my heart was broken. I cried for days and couldn't stay home alone. And my work didn't go well. So the afternoon when we drink together, I was sad. He tried his best to help me, he took me to a secret garden, where we could have a moment of peace. He was trying to find a clover for me, but there was no luck. I wonder was he also hopes to find a clover for himself, so he could have an excuse to be with me once again.
For the whole afternoon, he didn't kiss me or touch me. He was very careful and I was very surprised. Until he drove me home, the moment I said bye, he finally hugged me, long and deep, and then kissed me. His hug was as if he was telling he made a mistake again, and he's not gonna see me again. I cried, and I saw his eyes went wet, too. His eyes are in light blue, so clear. I could see myself in his eyes with my little red dress. He said he's happy to see me as a friend, and he's gonna see me the next time. I believed it, but there's no next time anymore.
Now I feel so hurt. I couldn't sleep, so I drew him a picture. I like drawing, he used to ask me a portrait of him but I never did it. And this time I did it. I showed it to him and ask him to take it, there's no reply anymore. I still want to wait, hoping he will come back. When the time is right for us, I will be a better person.