Why Does Everyone Say That Being Single is a Choice? I Don’t Think it is

[Anonymous]

A majority of individuals state that being single is a choice but I beg to differ. I encounter individuals that are single and looking to meet the right person, however, cannot find a good match. I presume they mean being single is a choice, in the sense that they are going to date when they are emotionally ready to find “the one”.

I have always been single and recently ended a short term relationship. I would have preferred the relationship to be long term, however, there were things that stood in the way. I am back to being single again and I feel like a failure. I am in my twenties and this took place a few months ago.

I take medication for my anxiety and discussed my low self-esteem with my Psychiatrist, who attempted to improve the degrading opinion of myself with easeful words. From that point, he ended that part of the discussion with “so, you are single by choice right?”. Doctor, did you not hear a word I just said? He also stated that I place too much thought/emphasis on the concepts of relationships.

I agree with him to an extent. If I did not have such a high expectations from what to expect from a man, hence they are human and I should act in the same diligent manner for the sake of fair game, I wouldn’t have been single for so long. I had this idea in my head as to what a guy is supposed to bring to the relationship. How he is supposed to treat me. How I want him to look. All of these standards. And while it is important to have basic criteria, there’s no need to overdo it. Who the hell am I?

Maybe if I did not reject those guys in the past, something could have become long-term. After this dating experience, I prefer to be single.

I know this may sound bitter but I prefer to stay to myself in order to avoid any further drama. The whole dating process. The possibility of what seems to be a future with someone and it all diminishes before your eyes. Yet, I am at peace with the notion of solitude. Or am I in denial? I don’t have many (any) friends to begin with. How is a partner going to fill this void?

While it is wonderful to hold hands with someone you care for and share kisses with when the timing felt right, I am alright with where I am now. Some of you may beg to differ because I am composing this myTake.

I am attempting to obtain feedback on a topic matter that seems to have an answer of its own. I wanted to experience love because it seemed so beautiful. It was what everyone else was getting involved in. And maybe it isn’t for everyone. You hear such encouraging feedback.

“Oh, you’ll find the one when you least expect it.”

“Be patient. Good things come to those who wait.”

“Don’t look for love, let love find you.”

“It’s a numbers game.”

“You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”

For now, I am going to figure myself out and what I want before I involve someone in my endeavors.

[Anonymous]

Being single can be a choice which many people consciously make. They prefer to not date anyone or just engage in short term relationships. The reason might differe. Some people prefer to focus on their education /carrier or even health before dating. Some might think they are just not ready to date yet. After a break up many people like to take a few months to a few years to recover and prefer not to get engaged in any type of relationship. Some people are religious and prefer to wait until they want to get married to meet anyone and only take part in a short courtship.
On the other hand, some people might fail to meet the right person despite putting a great deal of time and energy into finding the right right person.

[ManOnFire]

This is a good Take. I've had many of your same sentiments. Right now in my life I'm single by choice and not even sure I ever want to get married or have kids at this point. I've been through good moments but also very painful disappointments. And to make it worse, the older I get and the more I learn about women, the less I feel like I can tolerate some of their actions and attitudes. Might sound pessimistic but that is where I am right now, yeah.

[FatherJack]

Same sentiments here , except complicated by the fact I'm a single dad !!

[ManOnFire]

@FatherJack Well, the good news is you have your kids and you love them and don't have to deal with some woman's drama or toxic behavior.

[Logorithim]

Sometimes it is by choice, and that's perfectly fine. I always say it's only a problem to be single if you don't want to be. Personally, I don't like being single.

It's often the case, as pointed out by the author of this Take, that expectations are too high. I think that has a lot to do with people being single or having brief relationships.

[CaptainLegal]

For me it's a choice. There was a girl I met back 2016 when her brother came to my country through erasmus. We stayed together in the same room. After some days his sister showed up, she came for vacation. Thing is there was something in her that attracted me, maybe it was her smile, maybe it was her innocence , maybe it was because she reminded me of my self when I was younger and yeah she had a really great body like woah anyways we kept talking for some months and honestly I fucked up, I lost control of my self, I became selfish, lost her trust, her brother's trust and her friend's. You can't turn back time, you can cry as much as you want but you can't delete what happend. To answer the question whether being single is a choice or not, for me it's a choice. After what happend to me, my mind was opened, I was surounded by girls, honestly open your eyes, girls are everywhere but are they "the one" ? Can one of them excite you so much that you can't sleep at night, or seing herin your dreams every night, thinking about her 24/7? Losing your mind when she just sents you a simple text? I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't make me feel like this. I don't care even if she is the most gorgeous person I ever saw. Being in a relationship means that 1st that you really love that person,2nd that you will give everything you have for that person and 3rd that you can understand them, how they feel, what they want etc. Friends and familly members often tell me go get a girlfriend to have fun, I don't want it, I don't want to take advantage of a relationship for my needs, in a relationship you take what you give, so you can't think only your side, just like you have familly and friends that want you to be happy , so does the other person. For me, if you plan to have a relationship with someone just for the sake of telling everyone around you that you are in a relationship don't. The other person also has feelings and the outcome will not be good, you will make first, the other person sad, feel used and you gonna lose precious time, time that you could have used on exploring what you trully desire.

[cth96190]

Few people are single by choice, especially when they are young.
The hard-wired urge to pair bond and mate is overwhelming.
When I was younger than 30 I could almost not get a date.
The few women who feigned interest had agendas and every one of them broke my heart.
That changed me. I became angry and resentful toward women as a collective, especially when I saw the knuckle-dragging mental defectives who seemed to have no difficulty finding female company.
Feel free to call me a passive/aggressive Elliot Roger, in the way that I saw the world.
After they and I were on the wrong side of 30, women began to make the first move on me.
What I saw were former bad boy cum sponges, who would have told me to “fuck off, freak” when they were 20, who had realised that the bad boys were not husband material.
As a result of that blinding flash of the obvious, they were looking for so-called ‘good men’, who would not have been ‘exciting’ enough for them when they were 20.
I was too angry and resentful to be interested, so it could be said that after the age of 30 I was single by choice.
That does not take away the pain that I feel when I go to bed alone, or when I reach out at night and my searching arms find only air.
Even at my age, women make their interest plain fairly frequently, but there is still so much pain and resentment inside of me that I cannot reciprocate.

[MrMAC777]

I'm sorry you held a grudge so long. I mean it must be some fierce resentment for you to turn down what you wanted all this time. I am currently trying to get over my bitterness and open my heart, which is seemingly hard to do. I want to say thanks for your comment, because it just woke me up to the fact that I do not want to be alone forever! I hope that even with your loneliness, that you can find peace of mind.

[EnglishArtsteacher]

You have to remember, when you were in your 20's, you were in a different generation, a more "free love" generation (my dad is almost your age, and he told me the 1970's were the best decade for this).

It's just the opposite these days. Most young women are too picky, and when they do go after men, they go after men over 30 years old. They only want money, and it's this current Millennial generation of women.

I don't want to get married right now, but I'm not single by choice (as in not having a girlfriend).

[Johnbson]

Can guarantee you are in denial. No relationship is as close as the one you choose to have with that Significant Other.

Single is a choice, for sure. The inability to have appropriate standards, both for yourself and the other person, or to lower them to accommodate a broader pool of partners, is a choice. I say yourself, because people tend to create a narrative about themselves and how they see themselves, but others do not see you that way. The "smart intellectual" may sound like a know-it-all bitch to everyone else, etc.

Not having any friends and no real understanding of how great a SO can be really says something to me about you, and it seems you can't find a way to connect with people. Whether that is from others disliking you, them not being good enough for you, how you look, dress, act in public, etc., those all come from the choices you make to be accessible and desired by others wanting to be with you.

It is a choice. In the end, it depends a lot on the standards you set, and if you're likable.

[dipta]

"After this dating experience, I prefer to be single"

Therefore, you're currently single by choice, no?
Of course that if you look back at it like "I wanted to still be in a relationship but he did not", then maybe it isn't exactly by choice...
Conversely, that past relationship is over and you're currently choosing to not be in a relationship with other guys.
In other words, you may not have chosen to become single again, but you're choosing to remain single for the time being.

Anyway, just because being single is the default, doesn't mean it can't be by choice (especially nowadays when many people seem to get in and out of relationships due to fear or just because). Same as being a virgin, for instance. Many people make the conscious decision of remaining a virgin for as long as they please.
Being your own person and not settling has some merit too.

In my opinion, there's a big difference between "being on the market" for a good match (regardless of your dating pool being big or small, you feeling lonely, wanting to start a family, etc.) and waiting it out calmly until you actually find someone who makes you NOT WANT to be single (which theoretically means you could be single forever), or just go on the market and get into the first relationship you can find because you're in a rush NOT TO BE single, aka settling.
These situations may seem like the same, but are actually not.

[Landshrk0068]

It can be either a choice or forced.

If you are looking for it and desire it, but can't find it or get rejected, then it is forced up on you.

If you are like me and see no reason to be in a long term serious relationship then it's a choice. I live in the most obese country in Europe, which is also a party haven for tourist. We get about 1.3 mil visitors a year, 300K of them are females aged 16-30 and at least average looking or better. They stay anywhere between a weekend and 6 weeks.

Spring break just ended here, on the second day, I meet a girl from Norway, we hit it off. Following day, her and 3 friends went scuba diving with me, we ended up spending the entire day together, ending with clubbing at Aria and all of them stayed the night at my place.

They ended up moving in for a week with me and we had a blast. And they will be returning this summer. And this cycle doesn't end, it just slows down in winter time and then starts all over again with spring break.

I am single by choice, and I have no reason to change.

[JudgmentDay]

"How is a partner going to fill this void?"

At least you are asking yourself this question and recognize that it may not fill this void completely, if at all. For me, I already know beforehand that it won't. And if I ever did believed that they would completely fill a void, then I was deluded and that they were entirely fallacies.

You'll never hear encouraging comments from me in regards to things like this though. I'm too cynical for that. Instead, I say just let it go and find other things to enjoy, and don't stress it all too much because life is short.

[MrMAC777]

I know people, good looking people of both sexes, who prefer to be single so they can play the field. A relationship is not for them, they prefer to be pickup artists. They enjoy casual encounters and one night stands. That to me is a choice. I personally would like to be in a relationship, but not with just anyone. So I am being selective by choice, because I could settle. I have shown interest in very few women in the last couple of years, and unfortunately they didn't develop into anything. So those werent by choice because I would have been with them if it were up to me. I think it is very circumstantial.

[EnglishArtsteacher]

Usually the ugliest women (from my experience) always want one-night stands, because they are often desperate. Good looking girls only want sex from the highest status men.

[MrMAC777]

@EnglishArtsteacher true but there are good looking party girls out there that prefer to stay single too. I also forgot to mention single mothers... lots of them need sex but dont need the complication of bringing a boyfriend home to the kids.

[J4Zzi3]

i think it's a choice.
will you win lottery if you don't buy any coupon at all.
will you get a girlfriend if you never talk to a girl at all.

you get hurt move on and try again? keep the experience to learn about what you did wrong/ what went wrong in your relationship. never gave up hope on finding the one which only the one for you.

although i can say much about love. i still think that true love = unrequited one coz it stay pure. when you love someone and living in a community you and your so will start to change in personality, lifestyle, etc. which can cause your love to wither due to envy, jealousy, etc. only commitment and communication which can help you during that.

[loveslongnails]

You're in your twenties, and you feel like a failure and have low self esteem because... you're not in a long term relationship? Holy shit, which crappy magazines have you been filling your head with? On the contrary, you should ECSTATIC that you haven't compromised certain principles merely for the sake of "not being alone". Some say it's a numbers game, but it's a "timing" game more than anything else. Be as cautious as your head tells you to be, and as open as your heart wants you to be. You don't sound like a person of solitude, you sound like a woman who hasn't found someone she can trust... yet. Some of the cliches are true, but they most important one isn't on your list. "Be true to yourself". Only you know if you're in denial. If you are, is that you? Is that who and what you are? BE.. TRUE... TO... YOURSELF... first, and your eyes will be opened wide and all this will be clear to you.

[WalterRadio]

There are three considerations.

First is the number of candidates you can filter. You can join pay sites and consider hundreds of candidates a day.

Second is to know your dating worth, or in other words, your league. Know what kind of guy likes the kind of girl you are. You find this out by dating different kinds of people until you see a pattern emerge. There is someone for everyone, but you have to have realistic expectations for the kind of guy you can get based on who you are.

Third is just what you mean by a relationship. If you are 18, want to get married next month and are not a Mormon, Moslem, or knocked up redneck, then that is unrealistic. You can find a fbuddy instead. If you are 27 and looking for a boyfriend that could become a husband, then you are in the right mindset.

[I_Do_Mind]

I extremely agree with your MyTake that being single is not a choice. I have wanted a boyfriend for so many years but every time I ask a guy out he declines my offer and just recently a guy said "I'm flattered" and when I asked him if he had a girlfriend he said no. I have flirted with many guys on this very website. I have been rejected so many times and yet I have never had my first boyfriend yet, no first kiss no anything. It drives me to tears at times because I really want someone to be with. I would trade my lonely life in if I could but I don't have the power and it tears me up inside. Just one boyfriend and I way be content but none and I'm reckless.

[rogermclain]

Why not try me

[I_Do_Mind]

@rogermclain I sure you already know the answer why

[MScifiwriter]

There are a lot of issues in what you said, you contradict yourself and it doesn't sound as though you really know what you want from a partner. You just say you want him to look a certain way and treat you a certain way.

Well life and people aren't perfect. You need to realize that and move on. So what if you never meet that perfect man, are you going to let that stop you from finding a relationship? These days, it seems the answer for most people is, yes.

That's fine, just be prepared for a lot of disappointment and probably becoming one of those people who blames all of your issues on others. Yeah, I'm being overly harsh and cynical with my words. But lately, I don't really care. Do what you want it's your life.

[Chaoseverywhere]

I notice there's 2 types who choose to be single, maybe more.

Choosing to be single, normally they just accepted that the world hates them, or no girl/guy will talk to them. Usually, they have some insecurities they can't get over (inner demons). This happens in later years when they're single for too long. People who are like this justify it by convincing themselves that love comes to them, if it's truelove it will never :/

This person has some personality disorders+random mixes of other disorders can make think you don't want/shouldn't be anything but single.

Seen it happened, I just can't explain. but for the 99.999% yeah sure.

[bloodmountain1990]

It can be both a choice and not one. Sometimes I’ve had people into me that I wasn’t into and I’d rather be single than settle. And there’s also times where we’re into a person and they don’t like us back.

And sometimes people take a break from dating.

[nbbn5]

It is a choice for attractive people mostly , people who are considered unattractive don't have much choice unless they find a person who likes them for what they are and" beauty is in the eye of the beholder" saying also depends as some people are considered unattractive by 99% of the majority so this term does not work for them trust me unless they find the one for them after being lonely for a long period , choice is not for everyone, if you don't believe me then don't I don't care but I have experience it from what I have seen and heard and talked about it with girls

[nbbn5]

I don't have a problem with that :)
But the thing is that they lie many times that they want a guy who has a nice personality but unless he is not good looking they don't even bother to him unless he makes a lot of effort and don't even try to give a counter reply ma'am

[nbbn5]

And lol sorry to be rude and weird 😅

[Browneye57]

First of all there is no 'one'. There are many suitors, you just have to date enough to have enough experience to actually be able to discern whether they're a match or not, or whether they're worthy of your investment in time and emotion. Next you have to invest enough of all that to see if it actually does result in a meaningful relationship.
This all doesn't just happen in a vacuum.

Next, you see the advice of a professional and then discount it or completely disregard it. Funny how that works.

Your last sentence is the only part of your whole take that made sense - and good for you. That's exactly what you need to do - become a success within yourself, a fully functioning independent adult that is capable of being happy on your own - THEN you MIGHT be able to share your life with a special other person.

Choose wisely, treat kindly. _Dr. Laura

[FatherJack]

Single " not by choice " tends to affect males much more than females , as it is much harder for a man to win over a woman , than vice versa , in addition to this , there are more men than women , due to a male heavy birth ratio. Women also have the advantages of very close inter female friendships , support networks that men do not have , and , typically , a much lower sex drive than a mans.

I'm a single dad , working FT , this bars me from dating , but , TBH , I simply don't want to , the stress of my former marriage , and having to deal with my ex from time to time , due to our children , just puts me off further , I am happier with my own company and can relate to this take , life gets more complicated with age too !!

[CHARismatic110]

It's a choice for some, and not for others. Some people are completely happy being single and choose to remain that way for one reason or another. And then there are people who long to be in relationships and just don't seem to have any luck when it comes to dating and such.

[JulieXO]

I think being single can indeed be a choice. I've been single for over a year, and I'm perfectly content that way. This may not be true for other people, who are looking to date but without success, but not everyone who's single is necessarily wishing to have a partner.

[RichardBandit]

This is just a fancy way to say that you want to sleep around