Why I Will No Longer Date the 'Nice Guy'


I've dated assholes. And I mean, ASSHOLES. I won't disclose my entire past, but it would surprise you to know the shit I've been through in my life. I've ended up in the hospital a few times, I've come home to multiple women in my bed, etc.

Until I met the two 'nice guys'.

One, was a nice guy, who my older, very protective brother set me up with. We were together for 4 years, we were engaged, he was a super sweet guy.... until he wasn't. It started out innocently, didn't want me to be friends with ex's on facebook. Boom, done. Then he didn't want me to hangout with any of my male friends, (my best friend is a 64 year old gay man), I highly resisted, gave in for everyone except my best friend.

Why I Will No Longer Date the 'Nice Guy'

*side note, DON'T do this! After breaking up, I had nearly no one and still don't.

**side side note, he was extremely mean. I'm the kinda person, when I'm fighting with you, I wanna walk away and clear my head before saying some truly awful mean things you'll never forget, he was the kind to not give up and say shit I still am self conscious about to this day. NEVER BE THIS GUY.

Next he wanted me to stop traveling for my job, I slowed down but that's where the money was at so I continued just significantly less (from 6 days a week to 2). Then it was him or my job. My job wasn't more important, it was the principle behind giving me ultimatums. Him or babysitting my nieces. Him or my job. Him or my alone time? What was next? So I broke it off. He wouldn't let me, ended with a restraining order and leaving in the middle of the night.

I didn't date for a year and a half. I was done with men and everything that had to do with them. I gained my self confidence back and learned what I want, what I deserve, and focused on my career and family.

Until he came along. He was the guy in high school who was super nice. He was adopted, humble, never really dated, hard working, super super nice guy. I would know, I went to high school with him. He isn't the hottest guy in the world, but he's always been attractive to me. The guy who isn't into social media, starting liking a bunch of stuff on my facebook, so I decided to message him. Those messages turned into a drinks date plan. Those drinks, turned out to be one of the best dates of my life. He was a gentleman, walked me to my car, kissed my forehead goodnight. Texted next morning how great of a time he had, etc.

Why I Will No Longer Date the 'Nice Guy'

All downhill from there. I'm not going to go into excruciating detail here, but every week he got more and more distant until he didn't. Then things went well for about 2 months or so, when we finally slept together (6 months in), following weekend bailed on me cooking him dinner plans and said he thought he was ready for a relationship, but wasn't. Completely mind fucked me. I broke down and bawled for like 4 days. But whatever, I was over it, cool. Until 2 weeks later when he texted that he wanted to see me because he missed me and he really messed up. My dumbass said okay, turned into a bootycall.

He left 6am. Cried all day. Swore him off. 6 weeks later when I'm finally over it, sends apology text. he's so sorry, i really am the greatest girl he's ever dated, he's so sorry for toying with me, He misses me so much. I dont respond for a week. I tell him I'm not down to be a booty call, he promises nothing sexual will happen, he just needs to see me. I agree and we hangout a few days later.

Nothing happens this night. He's very romantic, kissing my forehead a bunch, cuddling, telling me how pretty I look and how he's so sorry for being a dick and how much better I deserve. How I am so perfect for him. My heart skipped so many beats this night. And then......... nothing. No texts, nothing. While I expected nothing at the time, once again my heart was broken. The frustrating thing is, he is very truly the nice guy. Both men were. And both men turned out to be assholes. So when I hear all these men say, 'all girls go for assholes, a nice guy wouldn't do that to you'. FULL OF SHIT. Out of all the men in my life, the nice guys were the ones who broke my heart the most.

They are who you expect to be nice and not do that to you. So when they do, you're left feeling stupid and extremely vulnerable. If i knew you were the asshole guy, there's no wau i would have let this go on. there's no way i would have invested so much into this. At least assholes are honest about who they are. You know going into it that they are an asshole, they may break your heart so be prepared. Don't get too emotionally attached.

With the nice guy, its more like.. 'this is the kinda guy who won't hurt me. This is the kinda guy I should be with that people settle down with." We never expect you to be like every other asshole out there.

Why I Will No Longer Date the 'Nice Guy'

Why I Will No Longer Date the 'Nice Guy'
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Vyxzuw
    Wolves in sheep's clothing are not sheep.

    These guys knew they wouldn't success with being bad boys, since they didn't have the ability to pull it off. (Not attractive enough, and whatnot.)
    So, they went the sneaky route.

    The problem is that you seem to think that nice guys are just wolves pretending to be sheep, instead of actually being sheep.
    There ARE nice guys out there, and giving up on them will mean you will never find someone genuine.

    Yes, finding them means risk.

    The same is also applied to men trying to find girls who are genuine.
    Some find them, and other don't. Then they pick a path.
    Either they decide that they will become what they think girls want, and turn into jerks.
    Or they give up.

    The thing is, you have to look for the GOOD guys, not the nice or sweet guys.
    Nice means they are just non-offensive. It's a front.
    Sweet means they are trying to get on your good side, which isn't bad, but if that's all they do, then they are making up for something.

    Good guys do what's right for you.
    Good guys sacrifice themselves for others.

    You say they were nice, but they weren't good. They didn't think about your feelings or needs. They only thought about themselves.

    The first guy was just a controlling guy that knew that noone would date him if he was up front about it. (Which, sadly, isn't true.)
    The second guy may have been emotionally damaged, but he used you to test himself. Probably not intentionally, but he did.
    Neither considered what you need. The saw that you were would be a great girlfriend for THEM, but neither really cared if they would be a good boyfriend for you.

    Unfortunately, there isn't a good way to find a good guy. But giving up, is a sure way to not find one.

    And it won't protect you. What will happen is a bad boy will start to SEEM to soften, and then you will let your guard down.
    You want love, and people can't really change who they are. Not easily, at least.

    So, while I hope that you find the 'bad boy' who does change, I also hope that you still give good guys a chance.

    Also, talk with a guy's exes. And if he doesn't have any, ask why.
    If a guy doesn't have any, then there is a reason. Some are reasonable and can be worked around. Others are due to some serious issues.
    Is this still revelant?
    • This is the best advice I've had yet, thank you.
      I am not giving up on good guys, I'm just no longer going to treat the nice guys like nice guys. Bad boys are what they are, but knowing this helps detect bullshit much easier. If I assume every guy is an asshole, I won't let the things that happened to me by the 'nice guys' happen again. I put up with a lot because I thought their actions were genuine because they were nice. Turns out, nope on all accounts lol.
      I'm not gonna give up, and I'm not gonna just date badboys. I wish there was a way to actually find good guys without having to sort through so much crap!

    • Vyxzuw

      There is, the easiest way is look for widowers. I mean, they are proven good guys.

      So, you just have to find a good hitman, and have a little patience...

    • 😂😂 that's hilarious

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girl

  • justria
    I agree with this partially. I used to date the most kind, compassionate, understanding, outgoing, faithful man for a year and a half. We had our fights, we had our moments. But he was that one guy, you know?

    Another "nice" guy came by. One very similar to the second one on your post. Those aren't nice guys, those are assholes behind a nice guy mask. He treats you like a queen, like you should be treated, and then he leaves. He comes and goes as he pleases, he toys with you and still somehow it's you who did it wrong (or at least that is what he says).

    You just have to get yourself out there and be prepared for the worst to be surprised by the best.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • ManOnFire
    "So when I hear all these men say, 'all girls go for assholes, a nice guy wouldn't do that to you'. FULL OF SHIT. Out of all the men in my life, the nice guys were the ones who broke my heart the most."
    - Well, I hate to say it but didn't you let yourself get played like that? Especially by the second guy, and it apparently wasn't the first time.

    While I understand some element of where you're coming from, your situation still does not cancel out the fact that a lot of women do like badasses and assholes. They think the smooth-talkers and wise asses are sexy, and they as women have an inner desire to be treated like shit even if they don't think so, but that's what it is.
    • I agree with you. I let myself be manipulated into coming back a few times, because he was a nice guy! Like, I knew this guy. I grew up in bfe, I graduated with 92 people. Which means my siblings, my parents, all know him as a nice guy. The community, knows him as a nice guy, even several years later. So when I confided in these people about him texting, wanting me back, we all thought he was genuine. Had I not known him as the nice guy, I would have seen right through it.

      I disagree to an extent about the other part though. Assholes always come off as confident. Confidence is the sexiest characteristic a person can have. Confident assholes are extremely hard to nail down usually, so women have a challenge. And we as people have a knack for wanting what we can't have. Men included. Men don't want the nice girl, men want the challenge, women are supposed to play hard to get. Every piece of advice you read about dating is some version of this lol. It's all of us

    • JayParris

      Wanna break the code? Be a smooth-talking, confident smartass who also has a romantic streak. Smack her ass and call her a good girl rather than a whore. Show up and surprise her instead of not showing up when you said you would. Treat her like a princess, but remember that even pricesses need to be put in their place (and only a king can do that).

      Being a badass is just part of being a good man. If that bothers you, you'll never get the girl of your dreams. Being honest and dependable are, too. Without those, you might catch her attention, but you'll never keep her.

    • @JayParris yesssssss, this is the dream

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  • Logorithim
    Good Take. Sorry it didn't work out for you.
  • BiggerNotBetter
    In order to love, you must be vulnerable, and if you're vulnerable, you're likely to get hurt. It's the way it is.
    However, note that the first guy didn't want you, he wanted someone else and was trying to turn you into her. The second guy is quite confused. I'd like to say it gets better with time, but I'm not sure it does. Just prepare yourself for each relationship and marvel in the mystery: no one knows how it will turn out.
  • Kreneman
    I am truly nice guy that is truly respectful to women and those two men that you mentioned earlier were not nice guys. Its true women tends to pick men that they belive to be nice guys where is some men can tell that they're not nice guys and those two were bad selections. Dating is never easy especially for women, there are true nice guys out there that would love to be in a relationship with you but dont let those two guys that are not nice guys tell you that they were.
  • CubsterShura
    Gosh, it is so so important for a guy to be confident yet humble. Most of the so-called 'nice guys' (whom I don't even consider as nice guys) have low self-esteem and high arrogance. Look at the 'nice guys' crying about never getting a date here! Extreme turn-off.
  • loveisbeautiful
    Here's the thing there's a HUGE difference between pretending to be nice and actually being nice, truly nice people (not just guys) but people in general don't switch behaviors. So, these guys were never really nice guys they were guys that were good at pretending to be nice until they got what they wanted or their true colors showed but they were never really nice. You know?

    Sometimes when we're so use to being treated a certain way and somebody comes along that shows us kindness, the rose colored glasses effect happens and everything they do and say is justified in said persons mind because of the rose glasses. It's easy to get duped when you want something very badly and I truly understand that, I really do.

    However, don't give up on the nice guy because that's not what you want to give up. Good guys do exist, you just need to find the ones who are truly good and not pretending to be good for some sort of gain. Trust me, truly good people (even the really messed up ones with tons of flaws) can't fake being good. So, you'll know who's pretending and who's being real. Just trust yourself.
  • hellionthesagereborn
    That has nothing to do with being a nice guy, that has to do with personal insecurities and piss poor communication skills. That's why you have to really really get to know the person (and as you found out some times you get screwed over anyway (same things happen with guys and the nice girls). Now you know though, if they start asking you to sever ties, that's a huge red flag, if they walk out on you then its done and over, you need to walk away from them (obviously some times things will happen but clearly the second guy was sketchy and erratic). Dating an asshole is just going to give you more of the same, so unless you enjoy these events I would suggest dating nice guys BUT not just nice guys, their needs to be a level of maturity to them as well. If they are not displaying certain behaviors be concerned. I would say the ideal male archtype is the father and that's something you should go with. What I mean is, a father is a nice guy he takes care of his family, but you also know that he will set his foot down, he will take charge. If he says he is going to do something, he does it and that's that. This is what you should look for, nice guys as you are describing them are weak men, but assholes are just as weak just in a different way. You need balanced men not the extremes.(same goes with women).
  • Hungry_Shark
    Don't date nice guys, but don't complain after getting pumped and dumped by assholes.

    Also, don't try to trap a nice guy after riding cock carousel because you're looks will fade away.
    • Um? I've slept with 3 men in my 26 years on this planet. So cock carousel, not so much thanks

  • redrocket68
    What you described is what 90% of women do to men. They have this idea in their brain that they're only compatible with a very specific type... they want their man to fit them like a glove. Problem is this is unrealistic... if both people love eachother there won't be a need for that because both will put an effort to be flexible and change things about themselves if they need to in order to accommodate the other person. Both will make sacrifices and both will overlook the minor flaws. But these ridiculous expectation women tend to have cause them to fall in love at first and then just instantly go cold for almost no reason. Then they break up wih you and give you some bullshit like "i thought i was ready for a relationship" its never the real reason why they leave you. This guy was acting exactly like a female... but honestly I just think he knew he could walk on you because most women try to chase you if you walk on them or seem uninterested I swear to god you have to use reverse psychology on them its ridiculous... but I can promise you there are tons of actually nice guys out there so don't go chasing tge stupid "badboy" archetype just because the guy that dumped you seemed like a good guy.
  • jackiebuena
    Typical woman not realizing what a good guy is. You are just falling for the assholes and not realizing. And the guys you think are assholes are probably nice guys who fight with you when you treat them like crap.
    • ? At what point in this mytake does that apply? When I say asshole, I mean the guy who puts me in the hospital for being home late from work. I mean the guy who cheats. I mean the guy who manipulates and controls you. ASSHOLES.
      Both men in this mytake seemed nice. Had not only me, but my entire family fooled.
      Treat them like crap? I'm not that guy, I'm just not. The fights I had with the first, were always literally about me working, me wanting a few hours alone, me putting my family first, me putting my finances aka job first. None of this results me in treating them like crap.

  • doflamingo457
    Brent here! The nice guy doesn't mean he is nice in every situation and wants to be not exciting, wronnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng, he is classy and mature, he can love hard and can be fun sometimes too so maybe you are looking at the wrong ones but that doesn't fit my description.
  • FinalVow
    just saying those aren't nice guys well the first one wasn't the second was but he was just not ready for a serious relationship. It happens I would encourage you to not give up but then again I am rather biased as I am a nice guy (I think) the second one you talked about is me minus the not ready for a relationship part. from as best an unbiased view as I can give. You don't deserve to be hit or abused or led on you deserve the very best just like anyone else looking for love. if that is with the bad boy then you do you if it is with the gentlemen then you do you and best of luck to you regardless.
    • Thank you!

    • FinalVow

      I should have added I am terribly sorry you had such a bad experience with those 2 though that is truly unfortunate.

    • Thank you, I appreciate it!

  • TheFlak38
    I laughed so hard at this.

    The problem here is not nice guys. The problem is you, yourself.

    "didn't want me to be friends with ex's on Facebook... Then he didn't want me to hangout with any of my male friends,"

    The "we're just friends" attitude. I've heard it myself when I was young and naive. Nice try. I could say a lot about you now but it will get me banned. You don't want a nice guy. You want a sucker.
    • Okay first of all, men and women can 100% be friends. I'm a girl who other women don't like... at first sight. It's been like this my entire life, so yes I hangout with men. My best friend is 64 and gay as the dickens. You're trying to tell me I have some ulterior motive being friends with him?
      You have a very unmodern viewpoint here. My past group of friends consisted of 8 dudes, who I hungout with daily for 3 years, who I had slept at their houses, and never ever touched because ew. To this day, when I see their parents, they hug me and invite me to shit. As a girl, when you're not attracted to boys like that, the gross shit men do really fucking stands out. And as a girl who is apart of the dude clan, they have no hold back farting, burping, talking about women and sex.

      Obviously you have a strong stance on this, I'm not gonna change your mind, but don't come at me as if I'm a 'certain type of person' for having male friends. You don't know me.

    • TheFlak38

      There is no such thing as "just friends" between men and women. This is the most common illusion women have. They are just friends for you but every single one of them wants to shag you. And I don't need to know you. You're a woman in the western world. There is no exception. Put all women in a specific environment and they all behave the same way. Absolutely no exception. Any man who doesn't want to grasp this reality always pays the emotional price. I know I paid it when I was the nice guy. "we're just friends". What a good sucker I was back then, allowing the "just friends" ex-boyfriend to fuck her. That's exactly the reason bad boys exist. We know that there is no difference between the good girl and the skunk I meet in the night club down the street.

    • Just because this happened to you, which by the way you LET happen to you, does not mean it applies to everyone. Half the dudes in my group were player assholes who, if they wanted to sleep with me, would have tried. 100% . And didn't, because they respected me and our friendship.
      I'm sorry you laid sideline while someone you were into slept with other people. But again, your situation does not apply to everyone.

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  • VonDamme
    Just find a guy who makes you happy and try to go at your own pace. There are guys who think they're nice who aren't just like I had a friend who tried to say he was an asshole and he never was lol

    Self proclaimed nice guys who ALWAYS have to say how nice of a guy they are and how they don't understand why girls won't take them seriously because they're sooooo nice? Yeah they're not.

    I met a guy who was "so nice", but he kept dumping all of his feelings onto me and making me uncomfortable, and never listened when I told him that. "You're the kind of girl I could marry I'll move across the country for you" I told him he hardly knew me, and just because we went to high school together didn't mean he really knew me... We weren't friends back then and I'm very different now. I told him no, you can't go moving across the country we're not even dating you're doing too much. I even tried to get to know him. Slowly. He wanted to push things to go faster, and then he got violently angry when things didn't go how he wanted.
  • snowangle
    You're so right. I dated a "nice guy" from my highschool a few years ago. On the surface, he was nice, polite, Christian, average looking, "friendzoned" by pretty much everybody. We dated for 2 years. He turned incredibly manipulative, immature, and selfish, and I found out he'd drunkenly sexually assaulted a couple girls before we were together. Our relationship ended with me quitting my job behind his back and moving away (and taking the dog). It was a long and ugly process, with him fighting me every step of the way. It took over a year before I stopped hearing from him.

    After that, I didn't plan on dating anybody for at least a year. Almost right on the dot, a year later I sparked with a guy who I had been friends with for years. He was always sweet, caring, and a good friend. I never once believed he'd be capable of hurting someone. We dated briefly and I fell for him hard. Then immediately after we slept together, he dropped off. Became distant and (after I confronted him) said he didn't feel the same about me. I was heartbroken. Then, I was angry. I thought he was my friend. How could he sleep with me knowing I was crazy about him? Now I probably lost him as a friend because I can't bear to be around him.

    Is it so hard to find someone mature and considerate?
    • Riiigghhhhtttt? I'm sorry this happened to you, I know all too well. I'm currently dating a guy who is an asshole, through and through. The difference though, I can smell his bullshit a mile away and am not afraid in the least to call him on it. So far, its absolutely worked, he likes that I don't put up with his bullshit, and I like that it's easy to tell.
      Nice guys, it's extremely hard to tell. I think they're just really good fucking liars.
      I told myself after the second guy that I'm going to treat all men the same. I don't care if you appear to be the nicest fucking guy or not, treat him like an asshole. And I don't mean be rude, just don't believe shit. Treat him like you know he's an asshole. So far it's working for me. I can't promise this is a forever kinda thing, but I'm done giving things up in my life for someone else, including my integrity.
      I hope everything works out for you! Dating in this day and age fucking blows

    • snowangle

      That's actually really solid advice. Don't put up with asshole behavior from anyone, no matter how nice they seem. Thanks :)

    • Manab

      Many nice guys can’t get much attention sex in earlier ages and at later when they do they take it for granted. They know now it’s there time. So you cannot tell either he wants to settle down or have just fun.
      One more thing may be you were not compatable to him in this relationship. May be you have some problems , sometimes we forget to check ourself.

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  • cavmanier
    Yeah interesting. You have perception of what a "nice guy" is. They screwed you over so you think they are all bad. You might as well date the "assholes" right?

    I agree with you that people that are very nice upfront have the capacity and often will treat others terribly. Not all "nice guys" would do that though 🙂

    You were describing guys that try to be nice, but people are much less likely to act that way once they've experience negative experiences with a person. People tend to justify being bad to others if the other person "deserves" it which makes the "nice guy" no longer nice.

    What you described may be more common that what I described and I understand you are going to form your mentality around having what you think are the highest statistical odds for your applicable circumstance.
    • You're right. The second guy had been hurt a few years prior and apparently still isn't over it. Seems like all the 'nice guys' I meet have had this happen, turning them into assholes

    • cavmanier

      Well yeah and like I said, many nice guys are nice until they are mad lol. Some guys are not nice upfront. That might might be going though some bitter stage. Or his overall way of thinking could be affected negatively long term.

    • cavmanier

      That guy might*

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  • dancing_in_nebulas
    This is so true.

    Nice Guy #1 Was a clingy extrovert

    Nice Guy #2 Was a reclusive introvert

    The bad nice guys are like cancer - slowly kills you from the inside, and their inquisitive thinking can be so manipulative youd feel wrong for breathing 😂

    The bad bad boys, are like acid - they dont run mind games as much but are so direct in their poor character it just eats away at you.

    I've had best dating /rela exps with "bad boys" but Im very upfront from the beginning
  • Mi2mi2a
    On one note, you are right in pointing that 'nice guys' are as bad as any human being. And it's annoying when guys call themselves nice guys and girls leave them, while they are as bad.

    On another, that's another life experience you will learn from. Rather date the 'nice guy' who will have at least the possiblity of gueninly being nice than an asshole that is well an asshole.
  • yucychan
    I get your point. I've known guys who seemed so "nice", so "sweet" and "caring". But in fact, they are just creeps who either only want sex or money. And the worst thing is, they are such good actors.
    They are not the obvious "assholes", they are the type that even your family and friends would have a good impression of. So, I'll agree with you, to see things with a critical eye and treat everything he says with a pinch of salt.
  • pooper89
    Part of the appeal of "assholes" is that they are what they are and you know what to expect from the beginning.
    Also, I have experienced the kind of thing you talked about here. I don't put up with it. One or two experiences like that and I shut that shit down real quick.
    Example, I was talking to a guy I had met on a dating site. I actually went on a couple dates with him. He had a tendency to say he wanted to set something up, and then cancel or I simply wouldn't hear from him. So I stopped answering his texts. A couple weeks later I get a text from him asking if I had been receiving his texts and asking how I had been, etc. I took him back and starting talking to him again. We went on a dinner date. A couple weeks later, I text him and we start to set something up. He asks when I want to hang out. I said tomorrow tonight? And he agreed on it. Well Friday came and he said he had a job to work but would text me when he was done. I never heard from him until about 1am saying he was sorry it was taking so long.
    Haven't talked to him since.
  • Unit1
    In short: All men are assholes. Nice guys are liars disguised as assholes and the assholes are at least obvious about their intentions to hurt women.

    Yeah, well, you do you. Those were terrible experiences but you barely can expect things to work out in the future with such people. Sour experiences happen all the time. But If we are all such deceiving evil devils, then don't date us if all we do is break your heart and Join WGTOW.

    If the "nice guys" backstab you and the assholes keep hurting you, then what type of guys are left after weeding both types out?

    No offense intended.
  • CHARismatic110
    Those weren't nice guys. They were wolves in sheeps clothing. Pretenders. Perpetrating the fraud. One of them seemed like a pyschopath, and the other a master manipulator. Sorry you had to go through crap.
  • may04
    Unfortunately, you can't really tell if someone's a "nice" guy until you get to know them. Sorry to hear you went through all this, but if nothing else you'll be able to see the red flags before they escalate.
  • MichaelN1991
    I guess I'm considered the nice guy. Tend to get friend zoned by all my friend girls. It is what it is. I guess to some degree I can come off arrogant because I encourage girls to challenge themselves and do better than what they are currently doing. Some take it personally, and think I'm an asshole, others thank me for encouraging them. Depends on the personality. I guess I've struggled with girls because I go for the wrong ones, I'm introverted and I attract the extroverted girls that want someone to listen to them. Extroverted girls are confident and from what I experienced know what they want, whereas I like to explore things and get lost in details and question everything I do. I've put career first so that I can establish my life first and then find someone that I can commit to and be with. But what I've found is that the girls that I've turned away feel as if I rejected them, but I was trying to avoid hurting them by neglecting them when I was traveling for work when I was getting experience. I think both sides may see things differently.
  • clampfan101
    If you don’t want jerks or nice guys, who’s left? (You’ll have no better luck with women, by the way.) Those guys sound to me like jerks that were only pretending to be nice. There are truly kind guys out there. They can just be hard to find.
    • Definitely not into women lol. Not planning on switching sides. Basically, I'm gonna treat all men I date as if they were an asshole guy. Not rudely, objectively. When it's a nice guy, it's so much easier to believe that they won't do the bullshit to you. But they do. So if I see all men the same, asshole or nice guy, it'll be easier to weed through and not waste more of my life on losers.

    • Well, however you go about it, I hope it works.

  • Halligan
    Those 2 obviously had narcissistic personality disorder. They are manipulative and end up abusive. Sometimes it can take years for their true colors to show, and it often happens so gradually the strongest woman can be torn down.

    I understand, I was in that kind of marriage. I was celibate for 4 years after... I was afraid to date. Enter my husband who was a known player. We only wanted to be friends. But we fell for eachother and decided to persue it. He’s very professional with others, but treats me wonderful. He’s a nice guy in disguise who had this persona because he was tired of getting hurt and used himself.
    • I've actually heard of this happening to a few women I know. Player turn nice guy and settle down. Or hidden underneath. I'm glad this actually happens in real life, not just in movies lol

    • Halligan

      Same here. Believe me, I was super leary in the beginning. But it was worth it. We got married after only a year of being together.

    • Thats awesome, congratulations :) you're one of the lucky ones!

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  • Astoriana
    I’ve always found it suspicious when I can’t use any other words to describe someone’s personality beyond “nice.” I have had better luck with people who are other things as well - funny, sarcastic, passionate, charismatic, etc.

    It’s easy to fake being nice. It’s not easy to fake an entire personality.

    Live and learn, my love.
  • Angelina25
    I'm actually really upset about the kind of guys you met. My sister had to go through the same, so much so that she finally opted for an arrange marriage. I mean, it's not the decision I supported, but anyway.
    Coming to my point, don't you think, you perspective depends on the kind of people you've met? I mean, those two guys were assholes. But, there might be better people out there, don't you think?
    • I absolutely do, yes. I have been rather unfortunate in my love life lol. Its mildly annoying because all of my siblings are either married with kids, married and expecting, or getting married soon. I'm the second oldest, the frustration is real.
      I haven't given up by any means. I'm actually currently dating someone. He's an asshole. Not manipulative or mean, just a cocky asshole. And I call him on his bullshit because I can smell it a mile away.
      There's no way to filter through who is and isn't an asshole. I know there's nice guys out there, but seriously they are so hard to find. And deep down every guy can be an asshole, just like every woman can be a bitch.
      Until I can learn how to filter who is actually nice and who isn't, I'm intimidated to try to date another nice guy

    • Angelina25

      I get it. Isn't it like, "Once bitten twice shy"?
      But, tell me something, why are you dating this man if he's an asshole?

    • Well, he isn't a true asshole. I classify men into 3 categories: Assholes. Douchebags. Nice guys. So out of the 3, he's an asshole. Yes I realize this is a corrupt way to view things, but my old group of guy friends and I had this discussion once and that's what they classified all men under, so that's how I've done it since. Of course there's sub groups to each category, but I won't go into detail on that.
      He's an asshole in the sense that he's cocky, super flirtatious, brags about his sport stuff, may have peaked in high school kind of way. (Not to be confused with douchebag as he isn't sleeping around, doesn't wear muscle shirts and talk about the gym with his 'bros')
      He treats me well and has yet to let me down. He fights clean and my mom likes him. Were pretty early into it, but just like any other guy, if he's a deep down asshole, I won't know for awhile yet.

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  • cth96190
    You did not date two nice guys.
    Those two men were psychiatric cases.
    I was and remain a decent man, but I gave up on women years ago. Partly because the sort of thought process that you exhibit are stereotypically female.
    • Their thought process is unbearable... its just psychotic honestly.

  • NYCQuestions1976
    Just get laid. Ever since my divorce, that's my only agenda (which I admit, can be a more difficult agenda to accomplish as a guy than a girl as girls can pretty much get it wherever they want it). As much as most people want life partners and relationships, sometimes after numerous trials and errors, the only and best answer is bed-pounding sex.
  • MyExBackCoach
    "Nice guys," aren't really nice. They are dishonest about their intentions usually. A confident man who wants you won't lie - he is attracted to you, wants you sexually, and is confident enough to expect respect and to be treated right or he'll be gone. Nice guys will be afraid to talk about sexual things and will do it less - keeping their intentions and desires secret. They will put up with a lot of crap and become bitter and eventually explode into a jealous, whiny, insecure drama king. You don't have to date assholes to find a man who has self respect and isn't a beta male.
    • Very true! Just honestly don't know where to find them

  • Dang thats crazy. Yea my boyfriend isn't as nice as i hoped with the tone he talks in on occasion when we’re arguing, but i keep his ass in check, so he's “nice enough” lol
  • HereComesDrTran
    Look guys, girls will make up any excuse, make up any story to make it look like good men are just awful.

    The truth is... you know the truth. They have always been attracted to the scumbags. Ever since elementary school and we all know it.

    Now they're being called out for breeding with trash and making more trash, so they're doing all they can to tear down the image of the good man... because we expose what terrible human beings they are.
  • red324
    I didn't read the whole thing but the first part is a good example of a control freak. They start out nice or they are nice in the beginning, bit little by little without you even realizing it they slowly begin to control everything. Before you know it you're 3 years in and chained in the basement with the dog.
  • bloodmountain1990
    Sounds like these guys were self-proclaimed nice guys. And generally when a person self-proclaims to be anything, not just nice, they generally aren’t.

    For example, this one girl I knew would keep telling me how “everyone around here is so fake but she’s so legit” and how she “doesn’t bullshit”. Needless to say she was one of the fakest people I’ve met and probably one of the biggest bullshitters I, And others, have met.
  • bubble_tea
    Wow, that's messed up. Did your brother ever apologize to you?
    And the second guy.. you waited 6 months to have sex!! You'd think an asshole would have given up by then, but yeah, you should have made better choices.. clearly you should have insisted he'd marry you first! /s
    • He did actually, as did my ex's brother who is my brothers best friend. It wasn't their fault though, most crazy controlling people don't let other people know how they are.
      That's what I'm saying though! I personally wanted to wait about 5 months. A few weeks prior it could have happened and he said, "I think we should stop. I haven't met your dad yet and id like to docthat before we sleep together". So we stopoed, he met my dad a few weeks later, slept together soon after. He genuinely seemed like a really good guy lol

    • bubble_tea

      I'm glad to hear, because I know people who will tell the victim it's his fault for making the perpetrator 'become' that way or say shit like "You knew he's crazy controlling, so why do you keep doing what you do? Do you enjoy fighting? He can't change, but you could"
      That second guy.. what the hell.. it almost seems like he enjoys breaking hearts.

  • TripleAce
    Ehh no baby cakes lol
    The nice guy is the nice guy day 1 and day 20000

    The asshole is the nice guy day 1 and becomes his true self day 1000

    Don't get it confused lol. They were both still the assholes. Probably attractive which is probablt what hooked you in lol. there's no free lunch lol
    • Neither of them were very attractive lol.
      First guy my brother hooked me up with, was not someone I would have decided to date on my own. His brother is my brothers beat friend. They said he was a super nice guy, that's why I went for it.
      Guy #2 isn't unattractive, but he's 26 and severely balding. He's 5'6. I'm 5'4, anybody taller than me is cool, but he was super self conscious about it.
      The hot ones are usually the assholes.

    • And yes I realize this. They weren't nice guys. But when you start dating someone, you have to base things off who they appear to be. Guy #1 didn't turn asshole for over 2 years, soon after engagement. Guy #2 didn't turn asshole til after we slept together.
      So how are women supposed to filter through who is and isn't actually a nice guy?

    • TripleAce

      After 2 years
      Well i wouldn't day the person is an asshole. If he was nice for 2 years then turned assholes its 99% most probably because the dynamic you two shared wasn't bringing out the best in you two

      Everyone embodies all emotions and traits. Meaning a nice guy obviously can have potential to be an asshole just like an asshole can have potential to be nice

      Its just a matter of who brings it out
      I mean if an asshole on day 1 turns out to be nice on year 3. Lol its not that he's not a dick. Its just that he now found someone he values and wants to keep. So he's being nice

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  • Satine
    get yo friends back in PROMINENT positions in your life. they are your smoke alarms. they'll sense danger when you don't.

    when you date again, don't blow them off to see more of him. when things get more serious, slowly bring him around your friends and family. confide in them and don't hide his BS to make him look good.

    anyone who hates your friends and family can gtfo.
    • SO TRUE! The only problem is, girls never like me lol. And most guys have problems with girls having guy friends.

  • Landshrk0068
    Why did you stick around for all the BS drama of those guys? I might have had some sympathy for you, but you made it worse by letting them pile bullshit upon bullshit on you.

    Before I start seeing girls they are warned, that I don't put up with drama, and the first time they try it they are gone.
    • Not asking for sympathy, I don't want or need it. This take is meant for ladies, mostly. We all hear from relatives, married friends, anyone who wants us to settle down basically, "you need to meet a nice boy to settle down with". The fact of the matter is, most nice guys are just as bad as the assholes, if not worse. My story is showing them that.
      And yes I'm aware I put up with more bullshit than I should have. The first guy, we were engaged, its hard to walk away from that. The second guy, I believed his bullshit because everyone I know, knew his as a nice guy and we believed him to be genuine. Which he was not.

    • Most nice guys, are just really bitter assholes.

  • Wass_PL
    Seems if he was selfish, then he wasn't truly nice. You have the right to date men that you feel like having a relationship with. It's your right to choose them but it's their right not to choose you too.
  • OatsnWhey
    Guys get what they want when they don’t give a fuck. Well at least when we’re younger. Be selfish when you’re young unless you actually fall in love with a girl. If that’s the case then treat her well.
  • GracefulCharm
    Just curious how come in all your stories about the men you dated, you never mention what they were upset at you about? Are you really just perfect and it's all their fault? I'm thinking this is unlikely and the fact that you can't even talk about yourself having any flaws means you will likely run into the same problems in your relationships regardless of what man you date. I bet you will get offended from this comment and most likely block me because you can't take any negative criticism that questions your integrity.
    • Women don't have integrity lol. That's exactly why they invented censorship.

    • @HereComesDrTran Exactly my nigga!

    • @HereComesDrTran I'm starting to think women just go for whatever you provide for them regardless of who you are. I mean I could be a mass murderer and if I still made her laugh, gave her everything she wanted, and my murderering didn't harm her life at all. She would be completely fine with it. Am I wrong about women or what?

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  • ThePundertaker
    I kind of agree with ManOnFire. You seem to let the second guy mess with you. Yeah he was indecisive about emotions and all but instead of closing up you keep letting him back in.

    But as a general rule most “nice guys” aren’t really nice people. Generally
  • OpenWine
    well I can't say anything really I mean that could be me, at least me in the past I had some issues back then and hurt a girl who really had it in her. I mean possible waifu material but I needed some time and it's good that it ended.

    been 5 years I can still see myself in the list you'dd call "nice guy" but without the issues later on. I am not asking for approval of it I just like to put my salt in every place possible
  • madhatters4
    so what you are saying is these "nice guys" weren't so nice.

    i think the nice guy title has gotten misconstrued.

    people should date "good" people
  • Wwwyzzerdd
    Oh look she dated shitty men now she thinks all men are trash yeah totally not a sexist take bashing men. TL;DR written by a misandrist.
    • 1. Wtf is a misandrist?
      2. Not sexist in the slightest. Matter of fact, I'm anti-modern day feminist. They make women look like entitled trash.
      3. Not bashing all men.
      I'm saying all men, even the nice ones, CAN be assholes. Just sick of hearing, "you need to settle down with a nice guy". I've been screwed over more by nice ones than assholes.

    • Wwwyzzerdd

      You are part of the problem. You get pumped and dumped then bash all men for your bad choices in guys. I'm not going to waste my time explaining how a sexist is sexist.

    • Bye!

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  • JayParris
    That's heartbreaking, and I've seen it dozens of times. Bad boys, fuckboys, and nice guys make up 99+% of the male population.

    Good men are extremely rare and getting rarer by the day, because "bad bitches", nice girls, and fuck girls make up 99+% of women.

    Im one "nice girl" away from being a complete asshole. I have an absolutely amazing girl right now, but if she screws me over, I'll never bother trying to love a woman again. She's the most perfect woman I've ever met, so if she turns out to be trash, I'll conclude that all women are trash and treat them accordingly.
    • It's awful that this is the world we live in! Hold on tight, or... Hold on loosely I believe is the song.
      I know though, I feel about the same. I feel like it's because everyone starts the 'bad bitch/player' game so early in life, by the time you're old enough to want to settle down, everyone's already so messed up from being hurt before, that they hurt other people. It's a vicious cycle!
      Good luck with your girl though, I hope you're one of the lucky ones!

    • JayParris

      Thanks, and best of luck to you. She's everything I've ever wanted, and no red flags after 5 months. We've had two serious "discussions" that were very calm and we each owned up to our mistakes and talked through it, and neither issue has been brought up again.

      It's an entirely different world than relationships I'm used to

  • HereIbe
    So, what is your point? You're going to only date men who will beat the shit out of you and turn you into just one of a whole stable of cheap whores?

    That seems to be your conclusion--there are only two kinds of men in the world, those who flagrantly abuse and those who covertly abuse.

    Okay, whatever floats your boat.
    • I can't figure out how edit the take, but basically I've said I'm not going to stop dating, I'm just going to stop seeing guys how they want to be seen. I'll view them as assholes and adjust my behavior accordingly. It's easy to see when an asshole is full of shit, harder to tell when a seemingly good guy is full of shit because they seem genuine.

  • musical_kittycat
    Why is the dating pool so full of imbeciles? That's what I'd like to know. These guys you're talking about are idiots, that's for sure.
  • Chaoseverywhere
    same i'll never date "goodgirls" anymore...(dun wanna turn em bad lol)
    guess back to them "bad girls" :)