Why I Will No Longer Date the 'Nice Guy'

[Heynashville]

I've dated assholes. And I mean, ASSHOLES. I won't disclose my entire past, but it would surprise you to know the shit I've been through in my life. I've ended up in the hospital a few times, I've come home to multiple women in my bed, etc.

Until I met the two 'nice guys'.

One, was a nice guy, who my older, very protective brother set me up with. We were together for 4 years, we were engaged, he was a super sweet guy.... until he wasn't. It started out innocently, didn't want me to be friends with ex's on facebook. Boom, done. Then he didn't want me to hangout with any of my male friends, (my best friend is a 64 year old gay man), I highly resisted, gave in for everyone except my best friend.

*side note, DON'T do this! After breaking up, I had nearly no one and still don't.

**side side note, he was extremely mean. I'm the kinda person, when I'm fighting with you, I wanna walk away and clear my head before saying some truly awful mean things you'll never forget, he was the kind to not give up and say shit I still am self conscious about to this day. NEVER BE THIS GUY.

Next he wanted me to stop traveling for my job, I slowed down but that's where the money was at so I continued just significantly less (from 6 days a week to 2). Then it was him or my job. My job wasn't more important, it was the principle behind giving me ultimatums. Him or babysitting my nieces. Him or my job. Him or my alone time? What was next? So I broke it off. He wouldn't let me, ended with a restraining order and leaving in the middle of the night.

I didn't date for a year and a half. I was done with men and everything that had to do with them. I gained my self confidence back and learned what I want, what I deserve, and focused on my career and family.

Until he came along. He was the guy in high school who was super nice. He was adopted, humble, never really dated, hard working, super super nice guy. I would know, I went to high school with him. He isn't the hottest guy in the world, but he's always been attractive to me. The guy who isn't into social media, starting liking a bunch of stuff on my facebook, so I decided to message him. Those messages turned into a drinks date plan. Those drinks, turned out to be one of the best dates of my life. He was a gentleman, walked me to my car, kissed my forehead goodnight. Texted next morning how great of a time he had, etc.

All downhill from there. I'm not going to go into excruciating detail here, but every week he got more and more distant until he didn't. Then things went well for about 2 months or so, when we finally slept together (6 months in), following weekend bailed on me cooking him dinner plans and said he thought he was ready for a relationship, but wasn't. Completely mind fucked me. I broke down and bawled for like 4 days. But whatever, I was over it, cool. Until 2 weeks later when he texted that he wanted to see me because he missed me and he really messed up. My dumbass said okay, turned into a bootycall.

He left 6am. Cried all day. Swore him off. 6 weeks later when I'm finally over it, sends apology text. he's so sorry, i really am the greatest girl he's ever dated, he's so sorry for toying with me, He misses me so much. I dont respond for a week. I tell him I'm not down to be a booty call, he promises nothing sexual will happen, he just needs to see me. I agree and we hangout a few days later.

Nothing happens this night. He's very romantic, kissing my forehead a bunch, cuddling, telling me how pretty I look and how he's so sorry for being a dick and how much better I deserve. How I am so perfect for him. My heart skipped so many beats this night. And then......... nothing. No texts, nothing. While I expected nothing at the time, once again my heart was broken. The frustrating thing is, he is very truly the nice guy. Both men were. And both men turned out to be assholes. So when I hear all these men say, 'all girls go for assholes, a nice guy wouldn't do that to you'. FULL OF SHIT. Out of all the men in my life, the nice guys were the ones who broke my heart the most.

They are who you expect to be nice and not do that to you. So when they do, you're left feeling stupid and extremely vulnerable. If i knew you were the asshole guy, there's no wau i would have let this go on. there's no way i would have invested so much into this. At least assholes are honest about who they are. You know going into it that they are an asshole, they may break your heart so be prepared. Don't get too emotionally attached.

With the nice guy, its more like.. 'this is the kinda guy who won't hurt me. This is the kinda guy I should be with that people settle down with." We never expect you to be like every other asshole out there.

[Vyxzuw]

Wolves in sheep's clothing are not sheep.

These guys knew they wouldn't success with being bad boys, since they didn't have the ability to pull it off. (Not attractive enough, and whatnot.)
So, they went the sneaky route.

The problem is that you seem to think that nice guys are just wolves pretending to be sheep, instead of actually being sheep.
There ARE nice guys out there, and giving up on them will mean you will never find someone genuine.

Yes, finding them means risk.

The same is also applied to men trying to find girls who are genuine.
Some find them, and other don't. Then they pick a path.
Either they decide that they will become what they think girls want, and turn into jerks.
Or they give up.

The thing is, you have to look for the GOOD guys, not the nice or sweet guys.
Nice means they are just non-offensive. It's a front.
Sweet means they are trying to get on your good side, which isn't bad, but if that's all they do, then they are making up for something.

Good guys do what's right for you.
Good guys sacrifice themselves for others.

You say they were nice, but they weren't good. They didn't think about your feelings or needs. They only thought about themselves.

The first guy was just a controlling guy that knew that noone would date him if he was up front about it. (Which, sadly, isn't true.)
The second guy may have been emotionally damaged, but he used you to test himself. Probably not intentionally, but he did.
Neither considered what you need. The saw that you were would be a great girlfriend for THEM, but neither really cared if they would be a good boyfriend for you.

Unfortunately, there isn't a good way to find a good guy. But giving up, is a sure way to not find one.

And it won't protect you. What will happen is a bad boy will start to SEEM to soften, and then you will let your guard down.
You want love, and people can't really change who they are. Not easily, at least.

So, while I hope that you find the 'bad boy' who does change, I also hope that you still give good guys a chance.

Also, talk with a guy's exes. And if he doesn't have any, ask why.
If a guy doesn't have any, then there is a reason. Some are reasonable and can be worked around. Others are due to some serious issues.

[Heynashville]

This is the best advice I've had yet, thank you.
I am not giving up on good guys, I'm just no longer going to treat the nice guys like nice guys. Bad boys are what they are, but knowing this helps detect bullshit much easier. If I assume every guy is an asshole, I won't let the things that happened to me by the 'nice guys' happen again. I put up with a lot because I thought their actions were genuine because they were nice. Turns out, nope on all accounts lol.
I'm not gonna give up, and I'm not gonna just date badboys. I wish there was a way to actually find good guys without having to sort through so much crap!

[Vyxzuw]

There is, the easiest way is look for widowers. I mean, they are proven good guys.

So, you just have to find a good hitman, and have a little patience...

[Heynashville]

😂😂 that's hilarious

[Vyxzuw]

Yeah. It's also a point that looking for people that have been burned also means they aren't the ones doing the burning.

Although, then you have to watch for bitterness.

[rogermclain]

Women can be cuntish too so

[tommi22]

@Vyxzuw
What remarkably good advice you gave to Heynashville! Making a distinction between what is "good" versus "nice" is spot on.

My sisters and I had similar advice from our mom and grandmoms. We're from the South and part of a large extended military family. As a result we've had the advantage of being able to observe the men who court us in the context of their relationships with their family, kin, and fellow Marines. Guys who are "good" fit your description to a tee. They are generous, patient, polite, and have the respect of their families and fellow brothers-in-arms. This is not how they treat just girls... it's how they relate to the world.

It's possible that Heynashville has not had the benefit of seeing her BF's in the context of their community. Just seeing a guy in a dating situation is not going to get a good handle on who he is. Is he a man of solid character and integrity? Are these traits his track record or are they constructed only for appearance?

I was raise

[ManwithaConran]

They don't sound like nice guys to me. Nice guys don't resort to control behaviour.

[justria]

I agree with this partially. I used to date the most kind, compassionate, understanding, outgoing, faithful man for a year and a half. We had our fights, we had our moments. But he was that one guy, you know?

Another "nice" guy came by. One very similar to the second one on your post. Those aren't nice guys, those are assholes behind a nice guy mask. He treats you like a queen, like you should be treated, and then he leaves. He comes and goes as he pleases, he toys with you and still somehow it's you who did it wrong (or at least that is what he says).

You just have to get yourself out there and be prepared for the worst to be surprised by the best.

[dothejohnwall97]

This dumbass didn’t date a nice guy. She dated an asshole in disguise

[justria]

@dothejohnwall97 Hence my second paragraph.

[ManOnFire]

"So when I hear all these men say, 'all girls go for assholes, a nice guy wouldn't do that to you'. FULL OF SHIT. Out of all the men in my life, the nice guys were the ones who broke my heart the most."
- Well, I hate to say it but didn't you let yourself get played like that? Especially by the second guy, and it apparently wasn't the first time.

While I understand some element of where you're coming from, your situation still does not cancel out the fact that a lot of women do like badasses and assholes. They think the smooth-talkers and wise asses are sexy, and they as women have an inner desire to be treated like shit even if they don't think so, but that's what it is.

[Heynashville]

I agree with you. I let myself be manipulated into coming back a few times, because he was a nice guy! Like, I knew this guy. I grew up in bfe, I graduated with 92 people. Which means my siblings, my parents, all know him as a nice guy. The community, knows him as a nice guy, even several years later. So when I confided in these people about him texting, wanting me back, we all thought he was genuine. Had I not known him as the nice guy, I would have seen right through it.

I disagree to an extent about the other part though. Assholes always come off as confident. Confidence is the sexiest characteristic a person can have. Confident assholes are extremely hard to nail down usually, so women have a challenge. And we as people have a knack for wanting what we can't have. Men included. Men don't want the nice girl, men want the challenge, women are supposed to play hard to get. Every piece of advice you read about dating is some version of this lol. It's all of us

[JayParris]

Wanna break the code? Be a smooth-talking, confident smartass who also has a romantic streak. Smack her ass and call her a good girl rather than a whore. Show up and surprise her instead of not showing up when you said you would. Treat her like a princess, but remember that even pricesses need to be put in their place (and only a king can do that).

Being a badass is just part of being a good man. If that bothers you, you'll never get the girl of your dreams. Being honest and dependable are, too. Without those, you might catch her attention, but you'll never keep her.

[Heynashville]

@JayParris yesssssss, this is the dream

[ManOnFire]

@Heynashville I hear this explanation from women a lot and what I can't reconcile with about it is that basically they're describing a confident man, but are still picking and choosing which ones they want to go for, and it's almost always the one with an edge to him or being badass. Almost never a 'decent' type of confident man. And I think this is because somewhere deep inside women are attracted to wild, risky, or downright bad things. And often they end up paying the price for rolling with those guys.

I am smooth-talking, confident, flirtatious, outgoing, and the type of man who knows how to take charge and be self-sufficient and independent. But there are women who still aren't interested in me because my personality says more in terms of intellectuality, which is what they would classify as "boring" or "clean." So the kinds of thrills these women are looking for are short-term laughs and sex. I'm learning more that women don't actually favor life intelligence in men.

[doflamingo457]

you should've said "this" type of nice guy, becasue you are saying all nice guys are like this, and thats acdde. subjective, also a nice guy ins't boring all the time, people can be nice guys wow cool news huh

[ManOnFire]

@doflamingo457 Very good point.

[doflamingo457]

Weird right? but still I sympathize with her situation and treatment, she needs confident but humble and caring men in her life... hm hohohoho

[somewheresomeway]

@JayParris some Corey Wayne going on right there. I think us guys know the ugly truth deep down. But being that guy is easier said than done.

[hellionthesagereborn]

@Heynashville Assholes "come off as confident", doesn't mean they are. Their is a distinction between self assured and confident in my opinion, an asshole is confident but he is not self assured. Its usually a compensation or sense of entitlement. You shouldn't be looking for that, you should be looking for the self assured men, they tend to be both confident and humble because they are confident enough in themselves where they don't feel threatened by others so they don't have to compete with them, he can be complimentary of them and know that its not going to negatively affect him. As for men liking bad girls, that's actually not true, at least not entirely. A man actually wants a nice women, for a relationship, the guys going after the "bad girl" is only interested in sex and thinks he can get it from her. I think that's what your misunderstanding. What your saying about assholes is the same issues some guys have with "sluts", you think you can change them but you can't.

[somewheresomeway]

@hellionthesagereborn spot on. As strong as women’s intuition is you think they could make that distinction, but they can’t.

That’s never going to change unfortunately.

[ManOnFire]

@hellionthesagereborn Yep, that all is 100% true.

[hellionthesagereborn]

@somewheresomeway I think that it has to do with society creating a poor system, that is they tell men to act one way and tell women they should act another and it creates confusion. So you get the guy who tries to be overly nice or you get the guy who is the asshole and women are told they want the nice guy who is always kowtowing to them which of course isn't but without a proper blueprint of what a man should be they are stuck going off of what their instincts say is a good choice which is more of a pseudo masculine arch type that stems more from their reptilian brain (the oldest part of the brain) then the primate part (newer part of the brain). This causes them to go for the showy guy because in nature all you have to go off of is what you can see and your life span is so short that your basically operating on gut reactions. I think once we fix this issue men and women will be much happier as they will both figure out what they need to be happy, both in themselves and in partners.

[ManOnFire]

@Heynashville You might be interested: Distance Yourself From Girls Who Like Bad Boys ↗

[somewheresomeway]

@hellionthesagereborn I’m personally getting fed up with the whole alpha vs. beta label. Two weeks ago I confidently approached four women while I was drunk at a party and made out with all of them and got all there numbers. I felt like I was too old for that shit but it worked. But then a week later I tried to take a girl out for a wine bar date. She acted excited all week but at the last second changed her mind, canceled and even admitted to me that she was “immature” (she’s 28!).

Anyway being in my ripe old 30 something age I still feel like I got to act like a 21yr to get the job done. Not really what I want. But some women never grow up

[redrocket68]

Women are not supppsed to play hard to get... thats retarded advice... women are hard enough to get ypu don't have to send mixed signals yo get a guy to like you. Yeah I agree with the "challenge" aspect but I don't get why they're like that... why not go for someone who won't take you for granted and be an asshole to you? Do you realize that not only do you go for badasses and badboys but you turn nice guys down once they start being nice to you. He can hook you and reel you in with the badboy crap but if he starts to like you and subsequently treats you the right way you'll break up with him. Every fucking time. You will find a way to fight over stupid ass little things.. until it ends.

[somewheresomeway]

@redrocket68 it’s never going to change. Feminism has conveniently glossed over this major feminine quirk. In reality I think most of the abuse women endure can could be avoided if they made better dating choices. But they are hard wired to be that way. They can’t help it.

My advice is to google Corey Wayne.

[hellionthesagereborn]

@somewheresomeway Very true, personally I despise that, any woman that wants that isn't worth my time or effort. I hate those games and the having to "prove yourself" all the time, you can be laid back and a nice guy and also not be a push over but I find that unless your acting a very specific way women do not really respond. Like I said, I think society kind of broke us (men and women) and now women just don't understand what a man is so they go after this pseudo masculine ideal. Its depressing to be honest.

[Logorithim]

Good Take. Sorry it didn't work out for you.

[loveisbeautiful]

Here's the thing there's a HUGE difference between pretending to be nice and actually being nice, truly nice people (not just guys) but people in general don't switch behaviors. So, these guys were never really nice guys they were guys that were good at pretending to be nice until they got what they wanted or their true colors showed but they were never really nice. You know?

Sometimes when we're so use to being treated a certain way and somebody comes along that shows us kindness, the rose colored glasses effect happens and everything they do and say is justified in said persons mind because of the rose glasses. It's easy to get duped when you want something very badly and I truly understand that, I really do.

However, don't give up on the nice guy because that's not what you want to give up. Good guys do exist, you just need to find the ones who are truly good and not pretending to be good for some sort of gain. Trust me, truly good people (even the really messed up ones with tons of flaws) can't fake being good. So, you'll know who's pretending and who's being real. Just trust yourself.

[hellionthesagereborn]

That has nothing to do with being a nice guy, that has to do with personal insecurities and piss poor communication skills. That's why you have to really really get to know the person (and as you found out some times you get screwed over anyway (same things happen with guys and the nice girls). Now you know though, if they start asking you to sever ties, that's a huge red flag, if they walk out on you then its done and over, you need to walk away from them (obviously some times things will happen but clearly the second guy was sketchy and erratic). Dating an asshole is just going to give you more of the same, so unless you enjoy these events I would suggest dating nice guys BUT not just nice guys, their needs to be a level of maturity to them as well. If they are not displaying certain behaviors be concerned. I would say the ideal male archtype is the father and that's something you should go with. What I mean is, a father is a nice guy he takes care of his family, but you also know that he will set his foot down, he will take charge. If he says he is going to do something, he does it and that's that. This is what you should look for, nice guys as you are describing them are weak men, but assholes are just as weak just in a different way. You need balanced men not the extremes.(same goes with women).

[redrocket68]

What you described is what 90% of women do to men. They have this idea in their brain that they're only compatible with a very specific type... they want their man to fit them like a glove. Problem is this is unrealistic... if both people love eachother there won't be a need for that because both will put an effort to be flexible and change things about themselves if they need to in order to accommodate the other person. Both will make sacrifices and both will overlook the minor flaws. But these ridiculous expectation women tend to have cause them to fall in love at first and then just instantly go cold for almost no reason. Then they break up wih you and give you some bullshit like "i thought i was ready for a relationship" its never the real reason why they leave you. This guy was acting exactly like a female... but honestly I just think he knew he could walk on you because most women try to chase you if you walk on them or seem uninterested I swear to god you have to use reverse psychology on them its ridiculous... but I can promise you there are tons of actually nice guys out there so don't go chasing tge stupid "badboy" archetype just because the guy that dumped you seemed like a good guy.

[snowangle]

You're so right. I dated a "nice guy" from my highschool a few years ago. On the surface, he was nice, polite, Christian, average looking, "friendzoned" by pretty much everybody. We dated for 2 years. He turned incredibly manipulative, immature, and selfish, and I found out he'd drunkenly sexually assaulted a couple girls before we were together. Our relationship ended with me quitting my job behind his back and moving away (and taking the dog). It was a long and ugly process, with him fighting me every step of the way. It took over a year before I stopped hearing from him.

After that, I didn't plan on dating anybody for at least a year. Almost right on the dot, a year later I sparked with a guy who I had been friends with for years. He was always sweet, caring, and a good friend. I never once believed he'd be capable of hurting someone. We dated briefly and I fell for him hard. Then immediately after we slept together, he dropped off. Became distant and (after I confronted him) said he didn't feel the same about me. I was heartbroken. Then, I was angry. I thought he was my friend. How could he sleep with me knowing I was crazy about him? Now I probably lost him as a friend because I can't bear to be around him.

Is it so hard to find someone mature and considerate?

[Heynashville]

Riiigghhhhtttt? I'm sorry this happened to you, I know all too well. I'm currently dating a guy who is an asshole, through and through. The difference though, I can smell his bullshit a mile away and am not afraid in the least to call him on it. So far, its absolutely worked, he likes that I don't put up with his bullshit, and I like that it's easy to tell.
Nice guys, it's extremely hard to tell. I think they're just really good fucking liars.
I told myself after the second guy that I'm going to treat all men the same. I don't care if you appear to be the nicest fucking guy or not, treat him like an asshole. And I don't mean be rude, just don't believe shit. Treat him like you know he's an asshole. So far it's working for me. I can't promise this is a forever kinda thing, but I'm done giving things up in my life for someone else, including my integrity.
I hope everything works out for you! Dating in this day and age fucking blows

[snowangle]

That's actually really solid advice. Don't put up with asshole behavior from anyone, no matter how nice they seem. Thanks :)

[Manab]

Many nice guys can’t get much attention sex in earlier ages and at later when they do they take it for granted. They know now it’s there time. So you cannot tell either he wants to settle down or have just fun.
One more thing may be you were not compatable to him in this relationship. May be you have some problems , sometimes we forget to check ourself.

[snowangle]

@Manab Obviously I understand that. But the kind thing to do if you're not feeling the relationship is to tell them. Not to have sex with them when you know that they have strong feelings. Like I said, we weren't just strangers. We were friends. I thought he would've shown more consideration.

[VonDamme]

Just find a guy who makes you happy and try to go at your own pace. There are guys who think they're nice who aren't just like I had a friend who tried to say he was an asshole and he never was lol

Self proclaimed nice guys who ALWAYS have to say how nice of a guy they are and how they don't understand why girls won't take them seriously because they're sooooo nice? Yeah they're not.

I met a guy who was "so nice", but he kept dumping all of his feelings onto me and making me uncomfortable, and never listened when I told him that. "You're the kind of girl I could marry I'll move across the country for you" I told him he hardly knew me, and just because we went to high school together didn't mean he really knew me... We weren't friends back then and I'm very different now. I told him no, you can't go moving across the country we're not even dating you're doing too much. I even tried to get to know him. Slowly. He wanted to push things to go faster, and then he got violently angry when things didn't go how he wanted.

[Anonymous]

I recently have discovered that girls that have dated me would consider me more on the "bad" boy side of things which is weird to me. I consider myself pretty boring and bland as I spend most of my time studying but I'm an emotionally distant person and when I start getting physical with a girl I tell them early on how I don't want a relationship and they always say they can handle that. Then they start asking to hang out more and I have to reject them and they end up saying how I just tricked them into bed and then ditched them when they wanted affection even though I asked at the very beginning if they were cool with keeping it casual and they always said yes.
So I'm not the type of bad guy you described which are absolute monsters if they put you in the hospital. But apparently, I'm not a good guy either.

I sympathsize with not being able to find a guy who either treats you like crap from the beginning or guys who pretend to be nice but then show how entitled they are. Frankly there's no way around it but just rough the seas until a decent one comes along. I have a group of guy friends who I think are relationship material for most girls but I also recently learned just how many guys in life I have decided not to be friends with because I thought they were dicks. It took a lot of walking away from groups of guys until I actually found dudes who were actually decent and I only found them in grad school which itself tends to filter out the trashy people on it's own.

[pooper89]

Part of the appeal of "assholes" is that they are what they are and you know what to expect from the beginning.
Also, I have experienced the kind of thing you talked about here. I don't put up with it. One or two experiences like that and I shut that shit down real quick.
Example, I was talking to a guy I had met on a dating site. I actually went on a couple dates with him. He had a tendency to say he wanted to set something up, and then cancel or I simply wouldn't hear from him. So I stopped answering his texts. A couple weeks later I get a text from him asking if I had been receiving his texts and asking how I had been, etc. I took him back and starting talking to him again. We went on a dinner date. A couple weeks later, I text him and we start to set something up. He asks when I want to hang out. I said tomorrow tonight? And he agreed on it. Well Friday came and he said he had a job to work but would text me when he was done. I never heard from him until about 1am saying he was sorry it was taking so long.
Haven't talked to him since.

[Anonymous]

Those aren’t nice guys, they were assholes pretending to be nice guys. There are genuine nice guys out there, none of those guys were one of them.

I feel for the thought process of dating an asshole because you know what you’re getting, while with a guy who seems nice at first might be something completely different later.

It doesn’t mean that someone should assume most guys who are nice in the beginning are going to turn into assholes. Most people do put up a slight front in the beginning of any friendship or relationship to appear more likeable, most of the time it’s not much different then their true self.

That 20% though is when it’s a huge change, we shouldn’t let them ruin it for the guinine people out there. It’s something that we should look out for and consider is happening, but also acknowledge it’s really genuine.

So just know it’s highly likely that someone’s genuinely nice and that there’s a small chance they’re not. So just be on the lookout for changes in behavior. Try not to assume he’s going to change.

Can you tell me your thoughts on this question?

How does this mean a guy is gay, bisexual , or gay with a borderline interest to girls who have traits he’s attracted to in men? ↗

[MichaelN1991]

I guess I'm considered the nice guy. Tend to get friend zoned by all my friend girls. It is what it is. I guess to some degree I can come off arrogant because I encourage girls to challenge themselves and do better than what they are currently doing. Some take it personally, and think I'm an asshole, others thank me for encouraging them. Depends on the personality. I guess I've struggled with girls because I go for the wrong ones, I'm introverted and I attract the extroverted girls that want someone to listen to them. Extroverted girls are confident and from what I experienced know what they want, whereas I like to explore things and get lost in details and question everything I do. I've put career first so that I can establish my life first and then find someone that I can commit to and be with. But what I've found is that the girls that I've turned away feel as if I rejected them, but I was trying to avoid hurting them by neglecting them when I was traveling for work when I was getting experience. I think both sides may see things differently.

[FinalVow]

just saying those aren't nice guys well the first one wasn't the second was but he was just not ready for a serious relationship. It happens I would encourage you to not give up but then again I am rather biased as I am a nice guy (I think) the second one you talked about is me minus the not ready for a relationship part. from as best an unbiased view as I can give. You don't deserve to be hit or abused or led on you deserve the very best just like anyone else looking for love. if that is with the bad boy then you do you if it is with the gentlemen then you do you and best of luck to you regardless.

[Heynashville]

Thank you!

[FinalVow]

I should have added I am terribly sorry you had such a bad experience with those 2 though that is truly unfortunate.

[Heynashville]

Thank you, I appreciate it!

[cavmanier]

Yeah interesting. You have perception of what a "nice guy" is. They screwed you over so you think they are all bad. You might as well date the "assholes" right?

I agree with you that people that are very nice upfront have the capacity and often will treat others terribly. Not all "nice guys" would do that though 🙂

You were describing guys that try to be nice, but people are much less likely to act that way once they've experience negative experiences with a person. People tend to justify being bad to others if the other person "deserves" it which makes the "nice guy" no longer nice.

What you described may be more common that what I described and I understand you are going to form your mentality around having what you think are the highest statistical odds for your applicable circumstance.

[Heynashville]

You're right. The second guy had been hurt a few years prior and apparently still isn't over it. Seems like all the 'nice guys' I meet have had this happen, turning them into assholes

[cavmanier]

Well yeah and like I said, many nice guys are nice until they are mad lol. Some guys are not nice upfront. That might might be going though some bitter stage. Or his overall way of thinking could be affected negatively long term.

[cavmanier]

That guy might*

[doflamingo457]

contrdicotry statement

[Unit1]

In short: All men are assholes. Nice guys are liars disguised as assholes and the assholes are at least obvious about their intentions to hurt women.

Yeah, well, you do you. Those were terrible experiences but you barely can expect things to work out in the future with such people. Sour experiences happen all the time. But If we are all such deceiving evil devils, then don't date us if all we do is break your heart and Join WGTOW.

If the "nice guys" backstab you and the assholes keep hurting you, then what type of guys are left after weeding both types out?

No offense intended.

[Heynashville]

Good point!

[Unit1]

Phew..
Glad you have an open mind.

[Halligan]

Those 2 obviously had narcissistic personality disorder. They are manipulative and end up abusive. Sometimes it can take years for their true colors to show, and it often happens so gradually the strongest woman can be torn down.

I understand, I was in that kind of marriage. I was celibate for 4 years after... I was afraid to date. Enter my husband who was a known player. We only wanted to be friends. But we fell for eachother and decided to persue it. He’s very professional with others, but treats me wonderful. He’s a nice guy in disguise who had this persona because he was tired of getting hurt and used himself.

[Heynashville]

I've actually heard of this happening to a few women I know. Player turn nice guy and settle down. Or hidden underneath. I'm glad this actually happens in real life, not just in movies lol

[Halligan]

Same here. Believe me, I was super leary in the beginning. But it was worth it. We got married after only a year of being together.

[Heynashville]

Thats awesome, congratulations :) you're one of the lucky ones!

[Halligan]

Thanks. Wasn’t my intention by any means.

[BiggerNotBetter]

In order to love, you must be vulnerable, and if you're vulnerable, you're likely to get hurt. It's the way it is.
However, note that the first guy didn't want you, he wanted someone else and was trying to turn you into her. The second guy is quite confused. I'd like to say it gets better with time, but I'm not sure it does. Just prepare yourself for each relationship and marvel in the mystery: no one knows how it will turn out.

[Heynashville]

Very true

[CubsterShura]

Gosh, it is so so important for a guy to be confident yet humble. Most of the so-called 'nice guys' (whom I don't even consider as nice guys) have low self-esteem and high arrogance. Look at the 'nice guys' crying about never getting a date here! Extreme turn-off.

[Heynashville]

Sooooo true lol

[AD240pCharlie]

But I'm such a nice guy... fucking bitch!

[CubsterShura]

@AD240pCharlie I am a nice girl too, but I never had to cry it aloud for people to know it?

[Kreneman]

I am truly nice guy that is truly respectful to women and those two men that you mentioned earlier were not nice guys. Its true women tends to pick men that they belive to be nice guys where is some men can tell that they're not nice guys and those two were bad selections. Dating is never easy especially for women, there are true nice guys out there that would love to be in a relationship with you but dont let those two guys that are not nice guys tell you that they were.

[Heynashville]

You're absolutely right!

[MrMAC777]

Good take. And there's no protecting yourself from either of these situations, because you don't know until you get into it. Nice guy or not, something happens to guys when they get with a good looking girl. They can become jealous even if theyve never really been jealous before.

And some people get freaked out by commitment and being emotionally attached. They want it, but when they get it they run and hide for a bit. I think this was case #2. Different reasons for this could be past dissapointments or low self image.

Just please dont give up! Learn from it as you said and use the experience to avoid jerks and find someone who is right for you.

[MyExBackCoach]

"Nice guys," aren't really nice. They are dishonest about their intentions usually. A confident man who wants you won't lie - he is attracted to you, wants you sexually, and is confident enough to expect respect and to be treated right or he'll be gone. Nice guys will be afraid to talk about sexual things and will do it less - keeping their intentions and desires secret. They will put up with a lot of crap and become bitter and eventually explode into a jealous, whiny, insecure drama king. You don't have to date assholes to find a man who has self respect and isn't a beta male.

[Heynashville]

Very true! Just honestly don't know where to find them