How To Deal With A Ghoster

Hi all! Time and time again I've seen people on here ask questions about ghosters, if they're being ghosted and what they can do about it. Today I decided to write this simple myTake on ghosters, as a little guide for what you can do when faced with one.

But first: what is ghosting/a ghoster? Urban Dictionary defines it like this:

When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.

Ghosting also extends to potential love interests and people you're dating, and it doesn't necessarily have to happen abruptly or without warning. It can also stretch out over a longer period of time, where the ghoster gradually responds less and less to your attempts at contact.

So, what can you do about it?

Step 1: Notice the signs.

Like I mentioned previously, a ghoster is simply a person who is trying to cut you out of their life without outright telling you that they're doing it. It takes them a really long time to respond to text messages, or maybe they just don't respond at all. If they do respond, they often keep their answers short and passive; they don't like contributing anything to the conversation and prefer killing it over keeping it going. If you try to get them to hang out with you (either as a date or just a friend, it doesn't really matter), they might accept the offer but cancel last minute. They would probably give a really basic excuse, such as "I'm swamped with work", "I don't feel well", "I forgot I had this other thing I need to go to" etc. Other than that, they also refuse to take the initiative to reschedule, and would likely turn down any other dates in a similar fashion. If the ghosting is happening over a longer period of time, they might agree to hang out with you and actually follow through. However, those occasions are few and far between, and most of the time they'll try their best to not spend time with you. They never, or very rarely, initiate any conversations with you.

As a rule of thumb; if you feel like you're the one putting all the effort into keeping the connection alive, and they wouldn't try to talk to you at all if you stopped all communication with them, you're being ghosted.

Step 2: Confront them...? Not the best idea.

The problem with confronting a ghoster is that they likely won't be straightforward with you. I mean, the whole point of trying to ghost someone is avoiding conflict, and cutting contact without having to explain why. If you try to confront a ghoster, they would most likely act completely clueless. They would reassure you that they genuinely do like you and want to hang out with you, but they've "just been so busy with work" etc. For a while they might pretend to be interested again and keep the conversation going, but at some point they'll just go back to not responding and showing no interest whatsoever. Or, they'll just ignore your attempt at a confrontation entirely.

Unfortunately, when most people have reached the point of wanting to confront a ghoster, they're already feeling hurt, confused, angry and sad. That's not a good starting point for a constructive conversation, and things could easily escalate into quite a difficult situation if you're not keeping your feelings in check. I've seen many questions on here where people explain that they want to aggressively call out the ghoster and make them feel shitty for what they're trying to do. While I understand where those feelings are coming from, I just don't think it's the best approach. If anything, you'll end up looking like a crazy person for being so angry, and the ghoster will simply get a "confirmation" that they did the "right" thing by ghosting you. At the end of the day, if you try to argue with them or if you try to make them feel the way you're feeling, you likely won't succeed. So to save yourself from the embarrassment: just don't.

Step 3: Accept and move on.

Easier said than done, for sure, but I really don't think there's anything else you could do that would be a better or more satisfying option. I know you want closure. I know you feel confused and hurt. I know that you just want them to tell you why they're doing this. I know you want them to realize that what they're doing is wrong and hurtful. But unfortunately, due to the nature of ghosters and ghosting, that likely won't ever happen. They'll never have the balls to tell you why they don't want to talk to you anymore. They'll never be straightforward about their own thoughts and feelings. They just don't think they owe you anything. Is it shitty? Yes. Is it wrong? For sure. But instead of being angry, trying to confront them, trying to make them interested again, or jealous, or feel shitty over what they've done, just let go. Let them go. If they don't want to talk to you or put the effort into keeping in touch, then they're not worth your time and energy.

The biggest favor you can do for yourself is to accept that you'll never know why they did that to you, and that you can't change them. They won't understand the pain they're causing people until they experience it themselves. That sort of pain can't come from you, because they don't care about you. The faster you let go and drop all communication with them, the faster you'll be able to move on. If you cling onto them and try to force them to keep talking to you, or force them to explain why they're ghosting you, you're only postponing the inevitable.

Ghosting is a shitty thing to do to a person and I don't think anyone deserves to be ghosted (unless they're literally harassing and bullying someone), but at the end of the day I don't think there's much you can do about it. Learning how to spot the red flags and dropping the person when they come off as disinterested and passive is the easiest way to protect yourself from getting hurt. If someone is genuinely interested in you, they will put effort into spending time with you. And if they don't have a lot of time for you, they'll make it up to you by showing their interest in other ways and making sure you're aware that they still like you. Those are the people who deserve your attention, not people who can't be honest about their feelings and half-ass conversations with you out of fake "politeness".

How To Deal With A Ghoster

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Ghosting is a shitty infantile thing to do but you are right best thing to do is just accept it and move on
    There is nothing to be gained by confrontation

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    • 100% agreed. You can't reason with people who are that childish.

    • Indeed nor should you want to
      You really don't want people in your life that don't want to be there

  • Great take! So many people complain about ghosting and write about why we shouldn't do it. Shitty as ghosting is, it's not just going to go away and it's much less headache just to grow a thick skin to it.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • I really despise the ghoster who is prolonging cutting you off when they happen to see you and act act like nothing's wrong with your relationship/friendship. It's so obvious that you can cut the bs with a knife. Fake people suck.

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    • 100%. That’s your chance to cut them off before they cut you off!

  • Fake politeness is a good one.
    They think they it's rude to just tell you in your face that hey, it was good meeting you. But I just don't think we can be the best of friends, so I don't want to hang out anymore. But not saying that is in fact more rude.
    And I don't get it, why pretend to be so interested from the start and then back out suddenly when you find out you're not really into the person. Why not just take it slowly from the start and just tell people that you take time to find someone you can be close with. Or just show it with your actions. For example, I was just getting to know someone with my same situation in our neighborhood and we were just emailing. Then we met at a sport area we both liked. After a few games she asked if we could exchange numbers and hang out a bit more. I was ok with that, I understood she wanted to take things slowly. In one of our first meetings she even told me that she doesn't like to be friends when she doesn't know people that well because she has been hurt before. I was totally cool with that.
    Other times I just think people do that to get over their own hurt feelings caused by other people ghosting them. And the cycle keeps repeating itself.
    If you have ever been hurt by ghosting, why not break this viscious cycle and stop doing it to others so it doesn't come around to yourself again?

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    • Those are some really good points, thanks for sharing them!

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What Guys Said 18

  • Getting ghosted is a gift... unwrap it.. and be happy.

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  • If someone ghosts me I thank whatever powers might be for sparing me the company of a loser.

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  • I love this take. Very useful and a need to know guidance to recognising a ghoster and how to deal with them.

    You be put it very well. Hope this helps many of the older and younger generations to come...

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  • Ahhh ghosting, the thing girls/women invented to stay away from men/guys

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    • Ahh ghosting, the thing both men and women do when they're too cowardly to talk about their own feelings. Cheers!

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    • Women do it more than men, but guy do the same as well.

    • It is more common with women. But yes men do it too, but just not as often

  • I would add that it's very common nowadays, so you must get used to it.

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    • Yeah, pretty much, unfortunately. One can only hope that because it is so common, it will bite them in the ass one day when someone else decides to treat them that way.

    • Given thr power of social media and the ability to hide, walk away, and be inconsiderate to people online without having to deal with proper social skills, I agree thst it is very common. Simply by the fact that since social media is now a big part of interacting with people now, some assume that it is normal to do these things. Don't like them? Stop following. Really don't like them? Rather than deal with them and talk it out, just ghost them. Ctrl+alt+del. Drag to trash/recycle bin. Uninstall. Hello 21st century.

    • @Tymeflies I agree social media plays a huge role in this

  • Ghosting just means that they have a problem with confrontation, I wouldn’t worry about it as long as you don’t ghost

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  • Step one: Do nothing
    Step two: If they attempt to contact you after, tell them to fuck off.

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  • Hahaha... yeah.
    If you know how to confront a ghoster. go ahead. but if you don't. spot on with step 2. don't waste your time.

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  • hi i have an important question after reading this? can i ask here?

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  • Step one: Do nothing.

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  • No one likes being ghosted
    Thanks for the take

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  • Just ignore it, move on.

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  • Only ghost the crazy ones

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  • Or you could call ghostbusters.

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  • Been ghosted because age wrong

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  • Call the Ghostbusters?

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  • I hear slat works

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  • Ghosting seems to be getting more and more common nowadays. It’s only warranted if someone is cheating or being abusive in my opinion. Adults talk shit out. I just talked shit out with a girl an hour. I got the ugly truth, she’s just not the into me. But she did it maturely.

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What Girls Said 13

  • When I’ve ghosted people, it was never about avoiding confrontation—just putting that out there.
    But good take ☺️

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    • What was it about then?

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    • I've ghosted people without confrontation. It's possible I confronted them in the past and they corrected their behavior only to revert right back to them wasting my time or treating me bad, so in the end I ghosted them.

    • @courtney06 exactly.
      Some people just love to play victim as if they did absolutely nothing to deserve the silence.

  • What are the other ways they might show interest if the person was genuinely busy but had decided to make it up to you?

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    • They would offer to reschedule if they're capable, but most importantly they would just keep talking to you, initiate conversations and keep them going, and in general just be a pleasant and social person to talk to.

    • that's a good question glad you asked. "busy" seems to be the theme these days.

  • Ghosters are not to worry about. That's why through relationship its good to be there for yourself a lot first, so you let go of people with weak manners more easily.

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  • Yeah this is definitely a growing action or lack of action that people do in the age of social media and smartphones. It's pushed me to contact people digitally much less.

    "If anything, you'll end up looking like a crazy person for being so angry, and the ghoster will simply get a "confirmation" that they did the "right" thing by ghosting you." Yep. It's happened to me. That's why I just ghost them back lately and delete their number so I don't feel tempted to reach out to them. The last person I confronted was my aunt but I let is slide since she's family but honestly maybe I shouldn't do that.

    I might ask "is everything alright?" depending on how close I am with that person, but I am leaning towards not doing that either. If they don't have time for me, I don't have time for them. I just let it die.

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  • I have a better solution. Say what you have to say and the move on, so that you won't regret anything.

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    • But is it worth it if it's falling on deaf ears or if it can be misconstrued? Personally I don't see the point in saying what you have to say if the other person refuses to listen, or doesn't care about what you have to say. It's a waste of time and energy, and in a worst-case scenario, the ghoster could run to all their friends and be all like "wow you won't believe what this absolute psycho just told me because I didn't answer their text within 2 seconds". It's just not worth it in my opinion.

  • That’s not very true. I sometimes take a long time to respond or I send short responses but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love that person any more or less.

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    • But I’m sure you show that in other ways, correct? I’m not saying that these things on their own most definitely point to ghosting someone (like replying slowly). These things just add up when you continuously do all of them, and you’re clearly not putting effort into maintaining a friendship or relationship.

    • when it adds up I just stop trying, especially if they aren't showing other signs that they truly care about me. They may very well be busy but I just can't be bothered because the uncertainty is too stressful.

    • @courtney06 exactly. And even busy people are capable of showing that they like you, if they really do care about you. Nobody is so busy that they don't have the time to have a short 5 min conversation on the phone. And if they care, they'll answer whenever they can and maybe even apologize, not leave you on read or never respond.

  • Once I waited for a few months for sex with a guy because I wanted to do it the traditional way, I was getting bored of just hanging out with himm, when we finally did it he ended in literally 5 seconds, both consecutive times. First one I could understand, but the second time I couldn´t think of an explanation other than having a problem. I was very sexually frustrated and had a very bad case of blue ovaries? After that I ghosted but the good news is that he did to, so we both just dissappeared, after a few years we saw each other in a disco and said hi and pretended anything had happened.

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  • Why care about someone that doesn’t care about you

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  • Good take

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  • Or you could call ghost busters.

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  • Awesome

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  • Great take.

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  • By hiding

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