Friendzone: Why you are in it and what you should do about it!

So I recently wrote a myTake on "How to approach girls". A lot of guys messaged me that they did not want to be friends with a girl because they do not want to fall into the 'friend zone", which inspired me to write an article about the "friend zone".

In this article, I will discuss various situations where a girl may friend zone a guy and how I think you should deal with it. The main purpose of this article is to advise men that sometimes it is not your fault that you are "friend zoned". I write this article in the hopes that it will alleviate a man's feeling of inadequacy due to being "friend zoned" and to help him assess his situation.

1. Lack of attraction

Attraction is just as important to girls. However, its not necessarily physical attraction. I've had incidences (admittedly few) where a guy wasn't my type physically but I fell in love with him due to his demeanor and heart. He also became more attractive to me. However, he also had a very muscular body which leads me to the fact that MANY girls place importance on body physique over face. Sure, having the chiseled face of Cristiano Ronaldo will significantly help. But as long as you have a good muscular physique, many girls will find you attractive. And I think most guys can build muscle with diet and exercise.

Friendzone: Why you are in it and what you should do about it!

2. Girl that "friendzones" a guy due to noticeable incompatibilities

Some girls friendzone a guy due to certain incompatibilities, which can include religion, race and certain habits. For example, christianity and islam specifically states that dating should be with marriage in mind and forbids relationships outside of ones religion. Some cultures strongly oppose interracial dating. Some girls (or their families) strongly oppose sex before marriage and may disown the girl if she has sex before marriage.

How you should deal with it: First, find out what the incompatibility is. This can be through talking to her friends or by looking through her profile if you have her on your social media accounts. You can't change your race, but you may be able to change your religion or habits. Also ask yourself if you are willing to make the changes. Remember that if you do end up with the girl and perhaps marrying her, you need to commit to the changes for life (otherwise, it may be grounds for divorce in her eyes).

3. The Fish tank manager aka Master manipulator

Fish tank manager fishing men
Fish tank manager fishing men

The fish tank manager is what we Koreans use to describe a girl who manipulates and intentionally friendzones men to boost her ego and other benefits for her. The men are the "fish" and the friendzone is the "tank". This is the girl that keeps the men nearby in the friendzone (her "fish tank") and calls on them when she is either lonely/feeling flirty/bored and any other situation that requires a man. She will try to prevent the man from her "tank" by continuously giving him hope (the fish "food) such as flirting and messages.

How you should deal with it: You need to approach the situation very analytically. I've written a simple test below.

Step 1. First, you need to determine if you are in the fish tank. A signs of a "fish tank manager" are:

-Ask some questions. Does she always flirt with guys? Does she have more guy friends than girl friends? If so, she may be one.

-She never replies to your messages. She will give you excuses. But she will get mad if you do not respond to her messages.

-When you talk to other girls or about other girls, she will get mad.

-She will flirt with you for a bit and then leave you out cold.

Step 2. Test her: Stop liking all of her photos and cut off contact on social media. Start flirting with other girls and make it known or mention that you are considering seeing another girl. Speak to this girl about another constantly. Note that you should probably do this test for at least 2-4 weeks. Observe how she reacts. If she tries to lure you back in, she is most likely a master manipulator.

Step 3. If she tests positive on the 2 items above, CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HER. She is bad for you. She doesn't respect you as a person and merely sees you as a tool to boost her ego. This is a crazy girl whose insecurity has gotten so out of hand that it is hurting other people. Speak to your friends about it and ensure that they keep you accountable. Dealing with this girl is similar to dealing with addiction.

Even if she does choose you for a time being, she probably isn't doing it for the right reasons. She is probably doing it because you seem like the most successful (ie most money) at the time. But she doesn't have your back. She will leave you if you lose the money or if someone else with better income comes along.

4. The girl who wants to take things slow

Friendzone: Why you are in it and what you should do about it!

This may be a girl who had been hurt many many times in her previous relations with men. This girl may feel that dating has failed her in some sense. She probably has been in many situations where men have just said/done things to get with her or physically assaulted her. For example, a guy may have indicated that he is a "christian" or that he really likes kids or that he want to get married to get her to go out with him. Or she may have been in situations where she was fearful that she would be raped or kidnapped. I've had men follow me home, groping me, chase me around a club and pin me down in a head and demanded kisses and physically assault me in elevators. There have been guys that sexually harass me and try to push me to doing things that I am not comfortable with.

In addition, dating in a girl's eyes can be scary to her especially with a guy that she doesn't well. Certain things can make a girl feel vulnerable. For example getting into a car with a guy who is driving can be threading for girls. A girl may be thinking, "What if he rapes me or kidnaps me?" Yes some of this is irrational and unfair to the gentlemen out there. But most girls are unwilling to risk their own safety and hearts just because its unfair to some guys.

How does this relate to the "friend zone"? Well this girl may be using the "friend zone" as a tool to do what traditional "dating/courtship" used to do. To test out the guy and to see if he is a man of his word. Why? Because as noted above, she feels that dating acquaintances/strangers is no longer safe for her and that she needs to vet the guy beforehand.

How you should deal with it: You need to approach this girl carefully. Talking about what a good man you are will not do you much good. You need to show her with your actions. In some cases, winning the respect of men that she respects (ie brother, father, pastor etc) around her may help you.

But set some time limits for yourself to determine when you will stop. This could be months to a year (up to you).

Part 2. The Friendzone: Why you are in it and what you should do about it!


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Most Helpful Girls

  • Very good take, one of the best so far.

    I have however serious issues with this polemic about friendzone. It seems that besides the size of penises, this issue is ever recurring.

    What is nicer than to be INSIDE a friendzone. It is the best zone to be in the first place and I fail to understand why people want to move out of it at all.

    Just think. You were placed in this zone because you did something nice enough to warrant the trust of that person and be placed there. It is the safest of the zones you can and want to be. It is a recognition for you character and behavior. I am in no friendzone because I guess I am not good enough or do not fulfill the criteria to be placed there.

    Boys and girls! why do you want to leave this comfort zone at all? Is it because you want more than just be friends? Just think. Every guy has an average of let's say 4 girls where he feels he is stuck in the friendzone.

    If you manage to leave this cocoon of safety, it is because you want more than just a platonic relation with that person, right? Your final aim is to have sexual intercourse with that girl. Ultimately, that is what flirting and a date is all about. What about the 3 girls where you are friendzoned in the example. Are you going to leave them on your own since you reached your final goal withe the first one? Of course not. And why? Because you obviously would want to still flirt with all of them.

    As I see it, wanting to desperately to leave the friendzone is the ultimate goal of having intercourse with the other gender. But then one should have the decency and courage to deliberately want to live the friendzone with the others that came in 2nd.

    Otherwise, I would see that just plain as wanting to increase the body count.

    By the way, I presume it applies also for girls and not just boys, right?

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    • I dont know. Im not a guy.

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    • 'friendzone' means they don't want you around period.

    • Because the friend zone is a way of saying “you’re a nice enough person to talk to but not worthy of anything more than that”

  • I’ve friendzoned someone and someone has friendzoned me... from both perspectives...

    would you really want someone u friendzoned to change and come back? (If they decide to these things) There are some things to learn, but changing your personality for someone is stupid... you should be enough for someone and that person should be enough for you... at least the attraction

    And to all those guys who don’t want to be the girl’s friend- YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET TO HER IF YOU DONT TAKE THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW HER, I’m sorry no matter how much you try you will NEVER avoid rejection (trust me I fucking tried for too long), take it as a blessing in disguise, take some time to yourself come back when you don’t feel hurt and become thier friend, at least they still want you in thier life and maybe you do when you take off the “I wanna fuck her” glasses or maybe u don’t

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Most Helpful Guys

  • There are only three things that a guy needs to know about the friend zone:

    1. Am I in the friendzone with this girl?

    2. Is there any possibility to get out of the friend zone and pursue a romantic relationship with her?

    3. If so, how do I get out of the friend zone?

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    • This is correct. The worst thing a guy can do is waste time worrying over the whys. Ultimately, who cares why she did it? The only thing that matters is moving toward the type of relationship you want.

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    • I disagree. The whys are simply the reasons behind the girl's rejection of the guy, when it's only the fact of the rejection that counts.

    • 4. If I manage to leave the friendzone, what happens next and would we be actually happy together?

  • I really liked the fish tank perspective. Good Take on the subject!

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Good take mostly. However I disagree on the "how you should deal with it" on 2. You shouldn't look through her social media to try and find out her religion and hobbies then mold yourself to become more "compatible" with her, only a simp would do that.

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  • It all comes down to few things
    Lack of attraction and different levels of these people intellecually / family / living conditions etc

    My friend told me she has a huge crush on me since 2 years
    Even tho im in a relationship since 8 months
    I friendzoned her because :

    1 she is not my type - too small and petite for me she is 5'2 im 6'2 i weight 198 pounds she probably like 110,120 - well i would have to be super soft with her in bed and i like to give my current girlfriend a good hard dicking for 15,20 minutes so you know

    2 i dont know her besides parties / drinking friend - i imagine we are not even close to being compatibile mentally in terms of values / life priorities eyc

    3 she had no interrest in me before eheeem i mean 3,4 years ago when i was fat and now things changed because i changed drastically not only my looks but me as myself i wonder whyyyyyy she has a huge crush on me now...

    4 her parents earn like 900 $ a month my like 5000$ a month im not from the US i just give u the example and i imagine this could be a problem " the social barrier difference"

    Girls friendzone guys in the same way as i did friendzone her

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  • First rule of the friend-zone. Cut all ties and find other chicks, don't waste time on being some woman bitch.

    Second rule and last of the friend zone: Never listen to any advice on the friend-zone coming from a woman. Change your "religion" ? Give me a freaking break.

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    • Clearly u didn't read the whole thing. I said a guy could change, if he wants to.

    • Oh. i read it all twice. Even suggesting that as a possible option to be considered is funny.

      Anyway this is the kind of advice that women give and it is usually very well intended but terrible.

    • Except guy do this

  • The guy should make an aggressive move towards the girl. Playfully touch her in a flirtatious way and make it obvious that you desire her.

    If she still rejects u, find another girl to pursue.

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    • No!!! Never touch a girl without consent!!!

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    • @answer1 no thats not ok with me eitherat least in my culture. We dont even hug. Dont touch me unless we are in a relationship and i say its ok.

    • 3d

      what country are you from jenny so i know to avoid it?

  • If you want to fuck with a person that does those thing's is to treat them in the same way, stop being available, treat her like a alternative, stop doing favors, stop letting her talk about her problems and feelings in some cases do it yourself without letting her doing it.
    Become platonic on the physical level.
    Don't be afraid of hurting her feelings if it is something.
    Talk to other girls in front of her when you two are together even be flirtatious.

    That's one way.

    Some other is to gives ultimatums and cut her off if she doesn't fallows them but you must be cristal clear how you feel and wants and go through with it.

    An other thing that will fuck with their immatur minds is to friendzone them when they does it and makes it clear that you only sees her inly like a friend and act accordingly.
    This gonna mess with her that she doesn't have what's needed (rejection effect) and many tries to shange that view and get feelings themselves for you when doing it.

    Personal do I see those that puts you in the friendzone that I feel something for did disqualify themselves and wasn't girlfriend material in the first place and move on without them that makes it that she must prove a lot to get back in to my life.

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    • Things you listed that I guy should stop doing is what friends do. It's the "friend zone" for a reason. Those are normal parts of a friendship

    • I know. the problem is that people that the friend behavior doesn't cut it lacks emotional maturity, only looks for one part off the relationship and skips the importance of the friendship part to make it great also make it last, the part that create the feeling of why it never really maked any sense before.

  • Every girl I've ever been friends with has ruined the friendship because she's asked me out or tried to sleep with me.

    Why is this question always asked from the women rejecting the men perspective?

    For the love of god women stop asking out your male friends, no we all don't want to sleep with you. Show some respect, I tell girls flat out I do not sleep with my friends. every single one has ignored this and gone for it.

    Girls are awful in the dating world and no one talks about it, I get hit on at work everywhere. A good amount of the time these girls have guys they plan to marry or are married... I was a feminist until Dec 2017, I saw the light when a flood of divorces hit my FB. These girls humiliated and destroyed their husbands because they weren't alpha enough or didn't earn enough money, were too short, didn't have being enough d... They all had new guys in their lives immediately.. they were cheating the whole time. These were white collared girls.

    When I'm out at parties or with large groups of women because men don't go out anymore. If I even mention what I've seen women doing the girls I'm with are shocked... Yet the girls I know that care about men are all saying the same. Women have gone insane.

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    • I don't think there is anything wrong with asking out friends for either sex, as long as it is handled tactfully. Why should a person deny their feelings? What you want and what other men want are going to be different. Many men would be more than open to a friend with benefits situation. It is a safe way to practice sex with just one partner or a handful of partners to gain some experience and let off some steam. Of course, that may be against your religious beliefs or your morals, but that isn't the case for everyone. You could argue how immoral they are, but that is your prerogative and in end is just going to prevent you from developing a true understanding of others.

      Further, I would argue that feelings can develop over time and a woman may end up seeing a man as attractive in a certain light that didn't previously. Most relationships I have seen through family and friends, all started with either a friendship or an acquaintance of a friend. You get to know each other with no pre-conceived notions, there is social proof that makes the woman feel safe, and she may feel that you are getting to know her as a person rather than just pining after her body.

      You can't even possibly imagine how many men are ruled by their little head so much that they completely ignore everything else a woman has to offer besides a wet vagina. Unsolicited dick pics, offers for hookups, catcalling, entitled hissy fits after being rejected, and sometimes threatening behavior, are far more common than you or I could ever imagine. What is so wrong with a woman, who you are friends with, from seeing you as a man who is respectful of a woman's boundaries but also attracted to you?

      If you are rich and you think they are being hypergamous, that is a different story. Especially if these women are married and are trying to cheat on their husbands with you. Then I can understand fully your frustrations. Being more attractive than their husbands is no excuse for infidelity.

  • Never take advice from a female.
    You're in the friend zone because you allowed her to put you in it.
    Hang out, have fun, hook up. If she doesn't accept to these terms dumpah now and move on to the next one. We live in a world full of sluts and there is no reason to stick to just one girl. A girl that wants you will make things easier for you. Not harder. Everything else is bullshit.

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  • Sensible Rules For "The Friendzone":

    One question: Is there anything about the lady that would appeal to you in a non-sexual way? (For example, "Is she someone with whom I would go into business?" is a good question to ask yourself.)

    If the answer is YES, then accept if for what it is, and remain there.

    If the answer is NO, then politely say your goodbyes, and leave.

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  • Ooooor.. you just move on and find someone who’s also attracted to you. There is 7 billion peoples in this world so why should we kill our asses for someone that doesn’t love us, while there is probably plenty peoples there that can share an immediate reciprocal attraction

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  • I don't know why girls think that guys care so much about their reasons for putting guys in the friendzone. I don't see girls expending much energy worrying over the reasons why they get in the friendzone with guys. They're smart enough to realize that it's pointless to even ponder it and the best tack is to move on to someone else.

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  • The friendzone can actually be a good teaching tool for those that have trouble identifying whether somebody is into them or not

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  • Ridiculous. The FZ is where a woman keeps guys she likes to have around but is not romantically or sexually attracted to them. And that is not changing any time soon.
    All this drivel boiled down into two sentences. Typical.

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  • You put yourself there. The best thing to do is end the friendship and find a girl who likes you back.

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  • #4 is how I have long figured it should work anyway. Get to know someone as a friend first then you can see if you want to take things further. It doesn't really make sense to do it any other way.

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  • forget all this nonsense i can't even get a girl to talk to me for 30s let alone get friendzone as a matter of fact i would love to be in the friend zone at list then i can have socialization interactions

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  • For once in my life I have read a truthful and logical discussion as to why this happens. Despite the fact your korean and the last person i’d accept to be downright honest but yh.

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  • Great take...

    I hope more people show respect to each other. Not use people for their ego boost (selfishness)

    its 2 ways... with friend zone (FWB)
    the guy is welling - give his all - in hope of a romantic/sexual relationship - but she has no interest. but getting lots of love/attention/ ego boost - move on to seek other male attenitions.

    the girl gave sex in hope of a romantic relationship - guy getting the ego boost - move on to other fish.
    girls sefl esteem drops...

    its a mess...

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  • If you are in the so called "friend zone" then you need to just deal with it and leave things alone. You are a friend for a reason.

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    • Well except if it's the second scenario where we're just ego boosters. Then we don't have to deal with it. Just leave

  • Fuck the friendzone, and fuck dating, it's like fucking gambling either you get lucky or get bad luck and crash and it's always doesn't, the shit sucks I hate dating nowadays

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  • I would just leave the friendzone & cut off all forms of communication. ... done.

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  • 5. You never showed you're interested in her

    I learnt that the hard way

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  • Why are guys still trying to be friends with girls they want to fuck?
    That's the problem.

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  • The solution is to never enter the Zone , best to cut all contact and walk away

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  • I think it is important to let her know your intentions clearly since the beginning and also be prepared to walk away if you don't get what you want

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  • A good take.
    Some Woman have become addicted to the attention.
    It's a sorry state and why I avoid social media

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  • I read this to pass time but I've done the fish tank thing myself without noticing. I will watch out for it and I'll get better that sounds horrible

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  • It has been really good, I liked it.

    When we talk about "I don't want friendzone" almost always its the fish tank situation what we are thinking about.

    I don't have any problem having friends, female friends, my problem is with that situation.

    What I'm used to do is to test the girl who ask me to be his friend.

    Usually I make two:
    1. Can you see me?
    It's very difficult for a woman who have many fishes in a tank to really know all of them, if she isn't able to define you without using archetypes words... Furthermore, it's easier to manipulate someone if you aren't emotionally involved.
    2. Can I go with your friends?
    If she she doesn't see me as a friend, why did you ask?

    I tell you this, because I have liked a lot your post and would like to discuss with you these tests, so as the girl doesn't feel ofended, but don't enter on the fish tank

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  • rule number 1: women give horrible advice on getting with women so don’t listen to them lol

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    • Completely agree.
      But this wasn't really that kind of article

    • @WhoDatGuy if she had just said girls are attention whores don’t waste your time and move on that could have saved everybody time 😂😂

    • And if i had said its because some men are just s dumbass it would have saved a lot of time.

  • Hey. Looking for new acquaintances. Write me *prodate. club pm Kate34432

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  • This is very helpful. Thank you.

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  • I am #4 :(

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  • Nice take :D Thanks for sharing it with us!

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  • Thank you Jenny, great MyTake.

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  • Good take

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  • I prefer to just walk away or be persistent.

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  • Thanks for sharing

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  • I can't even make friends with people

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  • Well written. Nice opinions as well

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  • Friendzone is their own fault.

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  • The Friend Zone is a fucking insult !

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  • I friend zone guys cause I am gay.

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  • I am in it with a hot babe FUCK!

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  • This is a good read

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  • Thanks for the common sense platitudes, darling.

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  • Honestly about number 3 , if guys fall for that, that's their issue. Like I'm not gonna go and spread my legs and do everything for some dude who just happens to be attractive. That's weak as fuck lmao

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  • Here's a quick and dirty...

    Why are you in the friend zone?
    Simple: you didn't pull the trigger when you should have so she knows she doesn't need to put effort into you to get the cheap attention she wants.

    How do you fix it?
    Toss her ass to the curb. You don't need female "friends". If she isn't interested in you, you don't need her bullshit 'attention'ship. You are not a lapdog, so stop being a little bitch.

    Give yourself credit. You are worth more than she deserves. Only when her ass gets old and ugly, will she "see how much you mean to her".
    Fuck that noise. You have more to offer the world than to be some bitches "save until needed".

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  • Omg step 3 of part 3: Literally thats what happened with me a bit over a year ago lmao

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  • An interesting take and insight from the female perspective! Thanks OP.

    What would you advise on this FZ "situation"?: we hooked up twice, told me she wasn't ready for a relationship (hindsight I gathered I was pushing too much for one/being needy etc) she wanted to keep the friendship, which I agreed, spoke once via WhatsApp, she stopped talking, she is now in a relationship funnily enough, but has kept me on all social medias still? Should I cut her out of all of them?

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    • I would say that this is closer to #3

    • Thanks for taking your time to read and reply. Definitely an interesting take and have learnt something. Thanks again.

  • The fish tank manager was a perfect analogy. Unfortunately nobody prepares guys for her trap when they are young.

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  • Damn I had number 3 happen and I was made into the bad guy like it was a very dark period in my life it caused me loads of stress I failed some of my courses that semester it was pretty bad. It fits perfectly cause she rejected me but wouldn’t let me distance myself from her

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