I grew up almost solely among women; so I never had men teach me what to expect as it concerns dating from a male perspective: how to treat yourself, how to manage expectations, how to manage your responsibilities, etc. I had to figure out most things from scratch and dispel some ideals taught to me (in good faith) by the ladies in my life. I used to be awful with women, but since then, I’ve been in many long-term relationships, been successful in kinky situations, and feel confident going into any date. Here’s what I would tell my younger self about how to get a lady:
1. Show women respect
Treating others as we want to be treated is something we should do, generally, but with women it’s especially important given how often people hit on them and put them in awkward situations. You wouldn’t want to be hounded on a regular basis; you wouldn’t want to be creeped out; you wouldn’t want to have to deal with being uncomfortable or fearing for your safety; you wouldn’t want to be touched without consent. Put yourself in a woman’s shoes before interacting with her. Always make a woman feel like she's safe and comfortable. Hell, you can still have naughty thoughts, but you should portray those naughty thoughts respectfully. For example, “damn sexy, I’m lovin’ dem titties,” can be changed to, “wow, you look beautiful in that dress; I love the way it fits on you!” It's the same message with a different tone (and probably a better reaction).
2. It's okay to be honest with yourself, you’re fine.
I used to hate when people told me to “be yourself” or to “be confident” because that never helped me with women, even though I knew they were telling me the truth. What helped me was forgiving myself for any thought of which I was ashamed, especially as it concerned women. Don’t be afraid of your naughty thoughts, just convey them respectfully at the appropriate time. Your quirky hobbies are completely fine; don’t feel shame because they’re not popular: that stuff makes you interesting; the same goes for your unpopular opinions: they’re unique. You don’t have to be some sort of ideal man as it concerns your likes and dislikes. Lean into what you love without shame; be honest about your flaws, and be honest with the things on which you need to work. Those things are your vulnerabilities: honesty and transparency about your own pros and cons can bring you closer to a woman. Your passionate thoughts arise out of the things about which you’re passionate. You can’t be passionate when you’re trying to be someone you aren’t. Feel free to disagree with her if your passions aren’t in agreement. Don’t cower to her perspectives; that’s a sign of weakness. She's a big girl; she can handle the truth. Just remember to properly groom yourself, and, as long as you’re not breaking the law and paying your bills, you’re probably good.
3. Don’t ask for anything that you don’t already bring to the table.
Be realistic about your expectations for a woman. If you want her to cook and clean, then you better be cooking and cleaning. If you want her to have a tight body and exercise, then you need to put down the bag of chips and get into the gym. If you want to have a threesome with another woman, ask yourself if you would have a threesome in accordance with what she wants. If the answer is no, then you may be asking for too much. Having expectations for a partner is okay, but those expectations need to be communicated and reciprocated in kind (if possible). She can’t read your mind, and you don’t want to be hypocritical/a tyrant with your demands. You would hate if she held you to standards to which she didn’t hold herself, and you would hate a lady who bosses you around (unless you're into that sorta thing).
4. Expect to do the coordinating, unless she wants to.
Society has substantially progressed from the days when men went to work and most women stayed home with the kids. We aren't at the point where women are asking for your number, setting up dates, paying for both of you, and following up afterwards, however. That’s still your job by default. The difference today, however, is that some women are willing to do those things if given the option. Therefore, you should expect to have to do the heavy lifting (at least at the beginning of a relationship): you have to initiate correspondence and get her contact info; you have to research places to go; you have to schedule things; you have to pay, etc. That being said, you should give her the option to collaborate. Send the impression that you aren’t acting unilaterally, but you have the fortitude to act if she has no input. If you’re expecting her to make the first move, then you’ll likely be waiting a long time or she’ll be disappointed in your lack of initiative, regardless of whether that’s fair.
5. Remember that girls can suck too, and don't be bitter when it's over.
If you date a lady, and she disrespects your time, she’s rude to you, or she’s unreasonable, then don’t feel like you have to deal with her crap. Have standards for yourself. In other words, don’t be afraid to put down your foot. Seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of respect is an attractive trait. If you don’t think you’re worthy of respect, then why should she? Ironically, many women will respect a man who stands up for himself when he feels he’s being wronged, even if she’s the one doing the wrong to him: it’s a sign that you have a backbone. If she departs because you put down your foot, then that’s okay. You don’t want to be with someone who disrespects you. Let her go. Move on to the next woman without bitterness. Every woman is different; so you can’t hold one woman’s actions against the next one.
Conclusion
There are a lot of guys who are worse off than you; lots of women wish they had a man, and some of those women want a man just like you. Whenever you fret about the mistakes you’re making, just be proud that you you’re putting in the effort. You're taking actively taking steps to be sexier. You'll be fine.
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