I work in the dating, relationship, and love coaching area. I've been doing this since the early 1990s when the whole industry was nothing more than a newsgroup. A year and a half ago I started a podcast just to answer some common questions.
Most recently a lot of listeners wanted us to create a course that they could work through to increase their chances of finding "the one." Over the past few months, I have been looking at some of our competition. Needless to say, there is a lot of crap being peddled as "truth" out there.
I found that some of the top "experts" out there charge upwards of $123,000 for a single weekend of "coaching." That's just the door charge. It doesn't include transportation, hotel fees, or focus groups (an extra $1,200 per one-hour session). It's not even a full weekend. It's 14 hours of listening to someone talk on stage. Two hours on Friday. Eight hours on Saturday. Four hours on Sunday. All for the special low price of $123,000. Plus tax if applicable.
Another "coach," charges $83,000 for "6 days of transformation" that includes a bonus 6th day of "love transformation." Not really a bonus if the title says "6 days of transformation." The "Love transformation" session message is "go meet more people." Really? Meeting more people is the answer? Do I really need to pay $83,000 to figure that out?
Then another "coach" is charging $10,000 an hour for their advice. What kind of magic pixie dust this person has is beyond me. It normally takes weeks or months of hard work to get a client to the point where they can walk up to a stranger, strike up a conversation, and have the confidence to ask that person out on a date. This "coach" must obviously have all the answers in a single one-hour session. I mean, $10,000 an hour, they must be awesome.
I recently ran across another "guru" that posted a video of the three "guaranteed" signs that "She Is Sexually Into You." This load of B.S. said that a woman wants to sleep with a guy if she "plays with her hair", "touches your arm twice", or "the tone of her voice goes up when she laughs." This is a "top-rated love coach" who happens to be a woman who works exclusively with men. This is what she teaches, and men believe this garbage. After all, it's a "guarantee" that coming from a woman. It's on the internet, so it must be true.
Then there is the coach who shows you how to "manifest" the person of your dreams. That course is only $8,000 for six one-hour Skype sessions. But, you can go through the course and sit back on your couch while your "dream person" manifests themselves like an Amazon delivery from UPS. Seriously, all you have to do is think positively and pony up $8,000 to learn the "secret."
I work with a lot of people from all around the world. The truth is that in order to find the person you want to share the rest of your life with takes work. If you don't want to end up in a relationship where you are more like roommates who happen to live under the same roof there is work to be done.
It's more than just knowing yourself. A lot more than just reciting some "gimme" lines a guru says "every person responds to."
Finding that person and developing a relationship is about living your true life before seeking out someone else. Knowing what the core relationship needs are that everyone seeks out in another person. Then being able to articulate what you need, want, and desire without coming across as needy, narcissistic, or at worst - uninteresting.
The core of meeting someone is to have a direction in your life. If you don't like your life as it is, then finding someone else isn't going to fix it. You will come across as needy because your life is a wreck and not moving in the direction you want. Working in a job for 40-60 hours a week that you hate. No hobbies that you enjoy because your too tired. No social life beyond sitting on the couch on your days off. Having a wardrobe that was outdated ten years ago doesn't really say anything positive. Which leads people to overcompensate when approaching someone else.
Start moving your life in the direction you want it to go in, and the rest comes easier to you.
Your self-worth goes up, along with your confidence level. This makes communicating easier because your intentions are no longer coming from a needy or narcissistic place. People who are attracted to what you offer then take a higher interest in you.
Stop looking to meet people in all the wrong places. If you like the finer things in life and refined "up-scale" people, then a club is the wrong place to find them. If you like partiers and a lot of unpredictability, then wine tasting events are not the place to find those people.
If you know the type of person you want to meet, go to the places they are most likely to be. If your life is on the right track, and you are able to communicate what you want, and you are in the right location, half your work is done for you. One thing builds on top of the next.
Once you meet the person, and they take an interest in you, don't be scared to be a little vulnerable. Show them who you are and what you have to offer. At the same time don't be scared to walk away if they are not the person for you.
This doesn't mean you dump everything on the person in the first five minutes and you clear your schedule for the next three months for them. It means you show them a bit of both sides of yourself. The good side and a bit of your naughty side as well if you get into flirting. Let them see you have another side to you that they can explore when the time is right.
This is something a lot of married couples forget as the years go on. It's the "spark" they want to put back. That novelty they had in the beginning that fades as life and responsibility takes over.
Learning how to develop this takes a bit of time. But, once you understand why it works, and how it's done, your relationships can go much deeper. The relationship is built authentically and naturally without a bunch of non-sense of "guarantees", scripts, and games. It's built on understanding what each of you wants, needs, and desires from the other person and the relationship the two of you are building.
Be careful of what you are listening to out there. A lot of what is being peddled as "your answer to finding love" is a bunch of overpriced B.S. that will leave you wondering "what's wrong with me." There's nothing wrong with you. It's more than likely you either
- Don't have your life straightened out.
- Don't know how to communicate effectively.
- You're looking in the wrong places.
One or two of these are the most common things I have found people are getting wrong. Once you start correcting them they will naturally start correcting the other areas. However, there is no quick fix or lines you can use. It takes work, and that is the only guarantee or promise any coach should have for you.
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