This is in response to a question from @Brainsbeforebeauty where she asked "Why Do Some Men Think They're Better At Knowing What A Woman Really Wants? Should We Test That Theory (please read details before reply)?". I couldn't answer there so, I thought a MyTake would be more appropriate.
I've made it no secret that I learned how to be a pickup artist back in the 90s. I learned a hard lesson there and left that world in the 2000s after moving up to being a pickup coach. The lesson I learned sent me on a quest to figure out what drives men, women, and relationships. Since then I have built a good business around what I do.
Getting advice from a woman to meet women may or may not work. The same for getting advice from men to meet men. I learned from some of the best of both. They might have a few insights, but the advice or insights may or may not necessarily work for you. It all depends on their approach to dating and their understanding of human behavior. Since the 2000s an entire industry has popped up around dating and relationship coaching. In reality, it has been around since 3000 C.E.
Call me a white knight or whatever, I really don't care. It's in the name. But I have been doing this and researching this field for 20+ years (including my pickup years). I stand behind my own personal success and the success of my clients in meeting and attracting the people they want to meet along with developing the relationships they want to have without tricks, manipulation, or B.S. non-sense promises of life-altering orgasms or ever-lasting love.
No one can guarantee or promise anything when it comes to dating or relationship coaching. Every relationship has three parts. You, the other person, and the relationship the two have together. There is no hocus-pocus, bipity-bopity-boop when it comes to attraction.
In my practice, we always start with the individual. A large top-down view and looking at their past relationships. Taking this approach gives a lot of insight that may go unnoticed by the person we are coaching. We also look at how the person views themself and wants to view themself. We then look at the gap that exists between those two viewpoints. Within that gap lay all the insecurities and latent strengths a person has. More on this at the end.
Once we have worked on that area we move to a general understanding of how people relate. We use research that is both applied and non-applied sciences from areas such as psychology, sociology, neuroscience, and sexology and the many subfields of those areas of study.
It's no secret that men are visual. That they are more analytical, and they tend to look for solutions. This leads men, in general, to express emotions in a more physical sense than verbal.
When a woman asks "how was your day" a typical answer would be very direct and to the point. He might include a story, but he will seldom include how he felt or feels. His emotions are expressed in a more physical sense. It's in his tone of voice, his gestures, and facial expressions.
When a man asks the same question a woman may give a direct answer but also give a story which may include statements such as "I felt", "I feel", or "it made me feel."
So, when it comes to relationship or dating advice one must not only understand themselves and how they relate to others, but also how others relate to them. It is almost as though they need a way to interpret what is being said or shown. In addition, they need a way to translate what they are showing and saying so the other person receives the information the way it is intended.
When it comes to meeting others there is a difference in the selective processes of men and women.
Men are rather simple and straightforward. They see someone they find attractive, and that is pretty much all they need. The sexual indicators that an individual man uses as to what he finds attractive is all he needs to express interest in a potential partner.
Research shows that men's selective process is much shorter. The sexual indicators men use do not go through an emotional process as women do. He either likes what he sees, or he doesn't. After the interest has been expressed (he likes what he sees) will he start to look at the person as either a short-term or long-term interest.
Women on the other hand look for more. A woman may find a man attractive, but it may end there for her. Just because she finds a person attractive does not mean there is any interest in that person. A woman's selective process goes through not only a logical process but an emotional process as well.
The same research done for men's selection process showed that there's an observation stage women do before selecting a romantic partner. This observation stage is much longer than a man's observation stage.
When it comes to sex there is also a difference between men and women. Again men are mainly visual. However, men also tend to seek out how their partner is enjoying the encounter. The more emotional and physical their partner is, the more enjoyable the encounter is for the man. This is why a man can be ready for sex in such a short period of time.
Conversely, women are more emotionally attuned to sex. While her body may be turned on, she may still not be in the mood as she is not in the correct mental space. This goes back to the emotional process mentioned earlier. For a woman to enjoy and be "fully there" in the act of sex she must be in the correct headspace to make the connection between her mind and body.
This trips up a lot of men. In some cases a few women as well. But, that is a totally different topic.
When it comes to dating and relationships there are a couple of universal truths.
Both men and women look for a default set of values when looking for a committed relationship. This includes a sense of acceptance, permanence, respect, and safety to name a few.
At the same time, both men and women also look for a sense of excitement, novelty, playfulness, and adventure.
In the beginning, men tend to give more weight to the second set of values.
Women tend to give more weight to the first set of values.
Depending on the type of relationship a person is seeking, once they see enough of the values to make a decision they will agree to sleep with, meet with, or date the person. However, in a long-term relationship, the weight of the value rolls tends to reverse to some degree. Men tend to seek more of the first set over the second while women tend to seek more of the second over the first. Especially the longer the relationship lasts.
This reversal can cause confusion or frustration for the other person. That again is another topic in and of itself.
Now that our client has an idea of what values are being sought after by the other person things become much easier and simplified for them. Please note that there are no cookie-cutter sets of lines, games, or actions any one person can do to win someone over in the long term. Short term, maybe. But it will not last very long and usually, things end very badly.
In general, a few things can be done to raise a person's attractive level to the masses. These include dressing nice, smelling nice, healthy living, etc. However, to attract the specific category of people you want to attract takes more effort and understanding yourself first and foremost. Go back to the beginning where I mentioned we start with the individual.
If you are not happy with your direction in life, no amount of tips, tricks, games, or advice is going to help you attract the people you want. All of those life insecurities will have an effect on your attraction level in the long run.
You need to have a comfort level with who you are. Then set your life on a heading so you are comfortable with where you are going. No other person can fill that void for you. If you try you will come across as needy, clingy, weird, uninteresting, creepy, narcissistic, boring, predictable, suffocating, insecure, or any other words that can be added to describe how you come across. Sounds harsh, but it's the truth. You have to own who you are before anyone else will want to buy what you are selling.
If you hate your job, don't like where you live, don't have any hobbies you enjoy, don't have a circle of friends to hang out with, don't live in the place you want, don't drive the car you want, hate how you look, worry about what others may think or say, etc. Having a partner is not going to correct it. These frustrations in the background of your life will eventually affect the relationship or your meeting someone in some manner.
Simply giving people lines, routines, or propagating myths doesn't help anyone. Neither does a boost to someone's self-esteem without addressing the underlying problem areas. Sure, these may give a small temporary success, but will not help in the long term.
Through the process of looking at where one is at and where they want to be as a person. Then correcting or working on the gap between those two points. This along with an understanding of how and why people interact the way they do minimizes or fixes many problem areas. Such as reducing approach anxiety, communicating with another person, and becoming more social and socially acceptable.
No single answer or piece of advice works for everyone. It needs to be tailored to the individual. It needs to be tailored to their background, their life, their goals, and their desires.
A person who grew up in a supportive family with clear life goals would not need the same advice as a person who was neglected and abused. Their life experiences and histories are vastly different. How they view the world and other people are worlds apart from each other.
A dating or relationship coach, whether male or female, who is worth their salt would have the knowledge and resources to work with these extremes of clients while recognizing their own coaching limits. There are some clients we have to refer for professional assistance because of past traumas before we can continue any form of coaching.
So, who gives the best advice? Should you take advice from men to get women? Should women give the advice to get women? Should men give advice to get men? Should women give advice to get men?
My question is more, does it really matter if you are able to get the result you want to get? The advice is only going to come from one of two sources. Do you want a bunch of spoon-fed "tell me what to do" quick solutions? Or are you looking for a more permanent solution that can grow as the relationship develops beyond just meeting someone?
The ultimate question is, do you trust the source?
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