You often hear people say men don't want relationships anymore. And when they try to explain that behavior they say things like "men are being screwed over in a divorce" or "absence of traditional gender roles," which I don't think are true, either. And they are creating a lot of resentment on top of that. Even among the good advice, there are often so many misconceptions and differences in how men and women understand them, that I feel it's worth talking about.
Anyhow here's just what I've picked up.
A lot of the headlines should sound familiar, but I think sometimes girls think of them in a different way than men do.
And I do understand this take is very one sided, of course men should carry their weight as well, but that's maybe the topic of a different take.
1) Sex
Kinda a no brainer here. Men want sex. If you don't stop having sex with him and don't use it to manipulate, you're already doing better than a lot of women. But a lot of girls seem to think that wanting sex is a bad and shallow thing, which it isn't.
Men want sex, but doesn't mean it's the only thing they want. Continuous sex in a relationship is not all about a biological urge either, it's also about feeling desired. Much like women, a lot of men's self esteem is wrapped around how attractive and desirable they feel. Women tend to get compliments on a daily basis, from friends, coworkers or even strangers, but men normally don't get the same amount of validation. Especially if they're not actively seeking it out anymore. So in relationship, sex is one of the few sources of validation.
1.2) Why Casual Sex doesn't lead to a relationship
I'm not saying it never happens, but generally having casual sex doesn't lead to a relationship. A lot of people will say something along the lines of "Men enjoy the chase" or some kind of Madonna Whore complex. I think it's more about wanting to feel special. As much as they criticize women for going after desirable men, most of them also want to feel like their girlfriend could have had anyone, but chose them. When you have sex, before he even had a chance to "earn it", it creates impression anyone can have you, which is not a desirable trait in women (or men).
2)Loyalty and Respect
A lot of people think that loyalty means not cheating. And it does, but that's not all it means. It's also about having his/her back at all times, especially in public.
My brother at 5'8 is fairly short and often his friends tease him for it. And apparently that's fine for his friends to do, but his ex joined them once and that was the end of the relationship.
At the risk of this sounding like a cliche, making fun of him or not supporting him in public, makes him feel like you don't respect or value him as a man. You're the one who is meant to see him as the hero in the story, not the loser or sidekick.
I think, sitcoms especially give a false impression that putting down your partner is somehow funny or charming. But even little things like a funny story that makes him look like a fool can be more hurtful than most girls realize.
3) Feeling needed
In the 50s it was easy, men just had to slap a paycheck on the counter and sometimes that's all they did. Times have changed and I for one think that's a good thing. But I feel a lot of men still have trouble figuring out where they fit in.
I don't think men are generally insecure about making less money or being with someone that is independent, as long as they feel they can provide something. Feeling like he matters to you, like he can take of you in other ways. Just cuddling and being close after a bad day or holding his hand during a scary movie does wonders in my experience.
A lot of men react very sensitive to women saying they don't need a man in their life, because it makes it harder for them to figure out what their role is supposed to be. Women generally don't have this desire to feel "needed" in a relationship, for us it's more about being wanted. But men do. And what makes it even more difficult is that men want to feel needed but used.
For example, some men might want to be bring in the main income (to feel needed), but also don't want to feel like they're being used for their money. It's a fine line and I don't know the perfect answer. But I think the best way to go is to be yourself and not afraid to admit weakness or vulnerability. We can't all be good at everything, couples should complement each other.
4) Support
For the most part, men don't have the same kind of support system women have. And we still teach boys to never show a weakness growing up. As a result, more often than not, their girlfriend is the only one that they can be vulnerable around. Out of all people, he should be able to tell anything without feeling embarrassed or judged.
Also I think a lot of girls think men aren't insecure about the way they look, but they are.Espeically online men talk as if their own attractiveness doesn't factor in at all, but most are aware it does. Wanting to feel attractive to opposite sex is probably an innate trait.
On top of that society values men based on more than just looks, contrary to women. And that's a curse and blessing in one. On the one hand it means that a weakness in one area can compensated for by being strong in another area. And that's a great opportunity that women don't get. But on the other hand that means there are 10 other areas to feel insecure about, 10 other areas in which other men could be better than him.
So realistically he probably know he's not the smartest, tallest, richest, bravest, most powerful or good looking guy in the world, but he wants to feel like to you he is or at least he could be someday. That you believe in his potential to be all that.
5) Looks
Yes looks matter, but not as much as most girls think it does. Don't think of it as a decimal scale, but rather a binary one. You're either in or out. Either he sees you as attractive enough to be in a relationship with or not. And you don't need to be a supermodel to be in the "in" category, as long as you're reasonably fit and average looking, other factors matter more.
I know especially online, guys seem to have impossibly high standards and that's confusing, but from my experience, they don't necessarily apply the same standards in real life. Frankly meeting in person is different from seeing some model online or in a magazine
6) More than looks...
If I scroll through my brother's Tinder (in the UK), most girls look the same. A selfie with heavy make up, clear skin, wide eyes ... and they all look good, but they all look the same, boring, there's nothing that makes them stand out. Nothing that distinguishes from each other.
I hear that complaint about dates in real life a lot: "she didn't seem to have any interests or opinions". Having your own interests and opinions is NOT a bad thing, even if you don't agree with him.
For relationships, being interesting is as important as looks, if not more.I mean if you're only interests are getting your nails done and celebrity gossip, you'll probably have trouble keeping up a conversation on the first date.
And yet apparently that's what some girls do. Playing dumb doesn't generally work for relationships, because no guy wants to spend his life with someone who can't hold a conversation. As they say, how you look should be the least interesting thing about you.
7) Men DO want relationships
Now lastly, to the misconception that men are not interested in relationships.
It's a stereotype that men aren't looking to build a family or aren't romantic in general. I think both isn't quite true. Most men do see themselves being married and having kids at some point. And they are romantic. Maybe too romantic even, so that when reality doesn't conform with their ideal of unconditional love, they give up too quickly
Contrary to what you might see on TV being single for most guys doesn't mean hooking up with a different girl every night or driving sports cars. Instead, for most men, most of the time, being single is lonely and boring. Being single means getting drunk at home, watch movies and hit the bars, desperately trying to get with any girl that will have them. Overall being single isn't all that great for most men, which is why I think most men do want a relationship and do see value in having a partner.
There are some guys that have this idea in their head that during their 20s they will cross off loads of amazing experiences and then in their early 30s, when they have their career set up, make a good amount of money and all that stuff, the right woman magically stumbles into their life.
Of course that's not how it works in reality. So don't bother with that kind of guy. Those guys are gonna wake up someday and realize that they didn't do most things they thought they would in their 20s. So they're either gonna stay alone in an attempt to finish "the list" or literally marry the next girl they date. You don't want want to be with that kind of guy. A man worth dating realizes that being in a relationship isn't the end of all fun, but you find someone to share it with. And that it's not about having house and managerial position before settling down, but that relationship is about building a future together.
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