3 mo

First date ended well so. . . now what?

OlderAndWiser u

This morning, I discovered a post in which I was tagged and I had not responded. @vladikre posted:

"@OlderAndWiser. We had a discussion and I said that after the first date, I wait a week max to send or contact, cause I try to build interest. I state that I don't play games and that's what I believe. what's your opinion on this."

@vladikre, I apologize for not responding when you first posted this question. I think it is a great question and my response is below.

Sometime during the course of a first date, I usually make a comment about being very direct and open about my feelings and that I understand that may be a bit different from what they have experienced with other guys. I know that some people may assess that as being more of a female behavior but I assure them that while I express feelings, play the piano, and know how to roast a turkey . . .

First date ended well so. . . now what?

. . . I also know how to do maintenance on my car . . .

First date ended well so. . . now what?

. . . DIY projects around the house, enjoy being outdoors and I usually take charge of a situation and I'm viewed as a leader. Those statements are very truthful but they also set the stage for what happens at the end of the date.

After a first date, if I don't think I want to see a lady again . . . at the end of the date, I walk her to her car, I tell her that I had an enjoyable evening and that she seems to be a very nice lady, but "I don't think you and me are meant to be and I don't want to mislead you in any way," and then I give her a friendly hug.

This is clearly NOT an I-never-wanna-see-you-again hug!
This is clearly NOT an I-never-wanna-see-you-again hug!

I have never had a woman respond negatively to that direct approach.

After the first date, it it went well and I am excited about seeing her again . . . I walk her to her car, I tell her that I had a very nice evening with her and I look forward to seeing her again. I then approach her and lean forward to see if she is receptive to a good night kiss. If she is receptive, I give her a nice kiss on the lips (no tonsil probing with my tongue!)

Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!

If she is not receptive, she will usually turn her face to the side and I will kiss her cheek very softly as if that is what I was expecting her to do, with no sign or disappointment at all. I then say that I hope we can get together again sometime during the next week and I promise to call her on Monday (assuming that it is a Friday night or Saturday night date.) I ask her to text me when she arrives home safely and, when she does, I respond and tell her that I am home safe and I look forward to talking again soon.

Not a good idea to get THAT drunk on a first date!
Not a good idea to get THAT drunk on a first date!

If you try to manipulate the timing of when you reveal your interest, ultimately that causes problems. It may look like you are being fake or manipulative. Instead of building interest, she may assume that you are not genuinely interested and go back online looking for her next suitor. Or she may just assume that you are someone who plays games and you are not sincere.

If she is turned off by the fact that I am more eager to see her again than perhaps she is, I might be disappointed but better to learn that now rather than a month from now when I am starting to feel some fondness for her while, unbeknownst to me, she is looking elsewhere. If she is enthusiastic as me about our first date and eager to see me again, then it's great to have that right out in the open. And, hopefully, we have that second date within the next week.

First date ended well so. . . now what?
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  • Lliam
    "I state that I don't play games." Then he plays mind games: "I wait a week max to send or contact, cause I try to build interest."

    I'll say from the get go that I was dating before cell phones (I've been married now for 25 years), so I never had to deal with texting and virtual contact bullshit. We either spoke on the phone or in person.

    If our first date went well and we connected, I could tell by her smiles and openness. I'd walk her to her car or to her doorstep. Before we parted, again, she would send signals with her eyes. After telling her how much I enjoyed our date, I'd move close, lean in, and kiss her on the lips. No tongues, just a tender, sensual kiss.

    I'd call her at the next opportunity, within a couple of days, just to chat some more as we had on our date. And, of course, I set another date for sometime soon like the next weekend. I might even talk to her again in the meantime. If she didn't seem happy or excited to hear from me, I'd ask if I had caught her at a bad time. Again, I'd read the signals based on her answer and attitude.

    If I didn't feel the same connection on our second date as I had on the first, and if her interest in me didn't progress, I'd know that things weren't going well and probably back off on trying to move forward.

    Here's what I mean by a connection.
    There was a beautiful lady who worked at a place I had to frequent with my job. I asked her out. We met at a nice restaurant near her house. We had a very nice time. We continued to chat as I walked her home. On her doorstep, she unlocked the door, then turned and looked up at me. (I'm 6'2" and she was 5'5" in heels). She stepped forward, put her hands on top of my shoulders, lifted herself on her tip toes, and kissed me. Her breasts pressed against me. Her lips were so tender that my head actually spun.

    I went by the place she worked a few days later and took her to lunch. We made a date to go to the county fair the following weekend.

    She turned out to be one of the most amazing women I have ever met and we practically lived together for over a year.

    A couple years later, when I met my future wife, our first date went very similarly.
    What's interesting is, two days later, she called me. She said a friend had offered her two tickets to see the Rolling Stones and Red Hot Chili Peppers. She wondered if I was interested. I eagerly said "Of course!"
    I knew that wasn't her kind of music, but she knew I was a rocker. So she was was only asking because she wanted to get together with me again.
    I admired her initiative and her courage in putting herself out there and taking a risk on rejection.

    So my advice is to show interest from the get go. Don't waste time. The idea of playing mind games and "building interest" makes no sense to me. Carpe diem.
    I appreciate enthusiasm and women do, too.
    Like 5 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Paul09

      Did you cam your date doll face back then? Lol

  • NathanDavis
    And, this is just how it should be... really.

    But I also know it can take some time for some people, to reach this point in which you can have this kind of assertiveness, confidence and resolve, because it sure comes from experience (good and bad experiences) but this is still something everyone, men and women should aim for.

    I would really like to hear if you actually have been in situations in which you find yourself at a "middle-point" if, for whatever reason at the end of the date, you're genuinely not sure if it went that bad or that good... and then you might be willing to give it another try, another date... and how would you go with that approach as to let her know about, and maybe they've felt the same way about you, or the date the two of you just had.
    Like 1 Person
    Is this still revelant?
    • I think if I wasn't sure, I would not say anything to indicate my indecisiveness. I think once you make the statement that you aren't sure, that pushes the potential relationship in the direction of not working out. I certainly would not lean in for a good night kiss because that might send the opposite signal, so I would end it with a friendly hug and ask if she would be available the following weekend.

    • wise indeed, and it's something that everyone should really consider and have in mind, showing genuine interest when it's there, and also being genuine when things are not exactly working out as well as expected.

      and I was going to say "younger generations should really consider..." but is not about age... lol. I already see in the comments that is definitely about just age, it's about having the right, the healthier mindset and approach, at any age.

    • Babeknows

      Why ask her if she’s available next week if you’re not interested lol

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Bluemax
    My name is Bluemax, and I approve of this message. 😉

    I think you have a fairly sound policy. I've never really understood why people have silly rules about contacting someone after a date (wait a day, or three, or a week). It's supposed to make one seem a little unobtainable or I'm-oh-so-busy dating other people so you better notice I'm-oh-so-desirable.

    About if I don't want to see them again. I only tell them that if they ask. Otherwise it's not my style. I also don't say I had a great time unless I actually had a great time. Sometimes if we're not compatible with each other, I didn't have a good time. I don't want to lie.

    I feel I've asked you this before, but humor a senile old man. What is your favorite piece on the piano? I love to play Vince Guaraldi's Skating. My spirit soars!
    Like 3 People
    • It's a tossup between

      1. a piano transcription of On Golden Pond, by Dave Grusin,
      2. New York State Of Mind, by Billy Joel, or
      3. Tiny Dancer, by Elton John.

  • Weater67
    Women tend to act very negatively to open emotions from men. What they mean when they say they want you to be open and vulnerable and emotionally available is that they wish that “Chad”, their perfect idea of a man, 6’4”, 6 figures, 6 pack…. they want that guy to be open and emotional. Fat chance. Chad has so many options he doesn’t care. When you are the second choice after Chad, she hits you with the same line. And when you do what she asks, she will lose attraction to you
    Like 1 Person
    • That has not been my experience, but I will note that the women I have dated over the past 40 years have tended to be high IQ women (IQ=120-145) and they have a slightly different set of expectations about men. They are not so interested in the great hunter with deer heads on the wall and grease under the fingernails, but they are interested in men who can match their intellect. High IQ guys tend to me more expressive of their emotions, so that does not put them off.

  • Bandgal
    I think doing all that waiting to respond crap is unnecessary. Like yea you don't wanna look desperate but you also have to show some kind of interest so the other party can know if they can move forward. You can't expect someone to chase you whole you're giving off cold/mixed signals. When I like someone one, I'm not over the top about it, I make my interest show in a somewhat assertive, confident way (even if I'm just faking it). I find that being direct with my feelings works a lot better with men since a lot of men can be somewhat clueless at subtle signs or body language. It helps me weed out the weak men who are scared by my directness or who are just dating to get in my pants. I also love when a guy makes it known to me that he is interested because then it feels like we're on the same page
    Like 2 People
    • Guys just assume that you are like them and if you have something to say, you will just say it.

  • Seinna
    Being upfront with one's feelings is a feminine trait? :D Lol I think not.

    I wish everyone was like that but then we probably wouldn't need GoG.

    I always thought that guys are tricky and you need a talk with friends to understand them. But it turned out to not be true. It's just when they're trying to deceive you. I believe it's the same for women.
  • captain_voidwalker
    Best advice you will ever get about datingFirst date ended well so. . . now what?
    Like 1 Person
    • Perhaps following that advice has brought you peace in your life but it would make many other people quite miserable.

  • ThatNoUVAtYourEyes
    Well enjoy it mate,

    I'd make contact as I'd feel like making it.

    According to me the wait is manipulative. Maybe closeness grows from it. But it does kind of set you on a path of fewer interactions.

    Again, according to me - if she is interested, she will be available (there is detail to those dynamics but it is too crazy to write about)

    Plus, the American need for validation - I don't know I'll be sticking with that any longer.
    Like 1 Person
  • RasberrySlushPuppy
    Good ideas on how to end the date if you're certain about it. But isn't this outdated?
    The new world:
    - some girls dont like kissing on a first date or you even getting close. The head turn could be interpreted wrongly and getting close could have the girl pissed at you.
    -youre making your mind up on the spot, why the rush? It's good to give it time and allow the girl to think aswell, scenarios do happen where the girl was wrong for him but still went on a 2nd date.
    -being gentlemanly asking her if she got home alright and no answer? are you going to call the cops? lol save the heartache dont message. Dont worry yourself. If the next day you message and shit happened i doubt you'd hear from her, you can move on.
    Like 1 Person
    • Young people like to think that the entire world has changed and all of the ground rules are different because of some fucking story they read on CNN or in Cosmo. Boy meets girl hasn't changed very much.

      "some girls don't like kissing on a first date or you even getting close. The head turn could be interpreted wrongly and getting close could have the girl pissed at you." You are assuming too much. I've had girls turn their head so I would kiss them on the cheek and we had a second date. If they turn their face so you kiss their cheek, they are probably more worried about whether you will want a second date, rather than them being pissed off. Okay, occasionally, a girl might get pissed off, but is that the kind of girl you are likely to be dating long term?

      "you're making your mind up on the spot, why the rush? It's good to give it time and allow the girl to think as well, scenarios do happen where the girl was wrong for him but still went on a 2nd date." I'm not proposing at the end of a first date; I'm just hoping for a kiss. I've probably kissed at least a hundred girls at the end of a first date and it turned into a relationship maybe six or seven times. I understand the MSM has your generation scared shitless about this "Me, Too" stuff. I'm not talking about trying to get in her pants on a first date; I'm just talking about a kiss. I don't know anybody who ever got arrested for trying to kiss a girl on a first date.

    • "-being gentlemanly asking her if she got home alright and no answer? are you going to call the cops? lol save the heartache don't message. Don't worry yourself. If the next day you message and shit happened i doubt you'd hear from her, you can move on." Thanks for that great explanation but that's not how it happens. I ask her to message me when she arrives home safely. No, if she doesn't do that, I'm not calling the cops. I might call her the next day to say hello and confirm that all is well. If she doesn't want to see me again, she'll let me know, and I won't be devastated. I'll just move forward.

    • Thanks for explaining a lot more, you're rightly going about it
      On my last date the woman kissed me on the cheek. I checked she was home alright because she had a lot to drink and went on a bus. She replied and even replied some more the next day but there was no 2nd date. The 10%success rate is crazy but good

  • legalboxers
    you move on to the 2nd date.. after the 1st.. I thought thats how it was suppose to go unless I miss something in class.. although I have been out of that course.. maybe need a new school of thought with everything else
    Like 1 Person
  • loves2learn
    Very good advice. I think people fail to communicate.
    Like 2 People
  • Jake99999
    Yeah - I have always been very up front when I was dating, especially if you are on an online dating service and trying things out with different people... its better to be honest.

    If you liked the person a lot, tell them that at the end of the date!

    If you didn't feel it was a match, tell them that in person at the end of the date when you are walking out. Bad news does not age well... if they liked you but you don't like them, its disappointing for them - but not right to leave them hanging, if you ask me. The same if its the other way around. You would want to know too, right?

    People should not waste each others time.
    Like 1 Person
  • Massageman
    A great way to handle dating life! Thanks for the post!
    Like 1 Person
  • LemiaOfChampions
    Glad it went well.
    Like 1 Person
  • WowwGirl
    Awesome
    Like 1 Person
  • m33lad
    people go on dates?
    Like 1 Person
    • And hold hands, have first kisses, fall in love, get married, have babies, and build their lives together. Yes, there are many old-fashioned people who want all of that.

  • spartan55
    Sage advice sir, one of your best!
    Like 1 Person
  • Tiptoetamm
    Awesome 😁😁😁
    Like 1 Person
  • Vivian7k
    Awesomeness 💖
    Like 1 Person
  • Mavie
    give it time
    Like 1 Person
  • LadiesGun
    Well we'll a true man impressive
    Like 1 Person
  • Anonymous
    Get into relationship with her
    Like 1 Person
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