When are women going to start taking more responsibility for dating?

When are women going to start taking more responsibility for dating?

I always try to be fair and understanding to both sexes on this site and I do my best to provide people with unbiased, well thought out answers and advice. I'm not perfect but I do my best to try to avoid blaming or condemning either gender. But there are a few things that I absolutely cannot stand about women and the biggest one is their passive inaction when it comes to finding a date. I warn you that there is some generalizing here, which I usually try to avoid, but I feel like it is necessary to get my point across.

Many women, though not all thankfully, will not ask out a man even if they know a man is interested with absolute certainty and instead come onto this site and whine about the fact that he won't do it or ask how to 'hint to him to' or 'make him' ask her out. And it's absolutely ridiculous and childish. We live in the 21st century and never in the history of the world have women been so empowered to pursue what they want. This pervasive equality is a good thing by any reasonable standard. So why is it that a woman who can have a career and a home and a car cannot muster the courage to ask a man on a freaking date? Why is it that men are supposed to do the initiating and face the rejection every time? When you're job searching, do you passively hint to employers that you need to make more money or that you have too much free time on your hands? Absolutely not, that's an absurd job-hunting strategy. You go out and you find a job that suites your interest and you apply for it and sometimes you get shot down and it sucks.

Now, I get that it's a bit different in the dating world, some women are approached a lot and recieve a lot of male attention. And for them, there is really no need for them to ask a guy out because they already have all the options they need. I say good for them. A smaller number of guys have this too, and I say good for them (and also I'm jealous). For the rest of us, it makes no sense to sit around waiting. I cannot tell you how many men my age get nowhere with women because they do nothing. And that's their own fault. But whenever I see a question from a pretty girl who nobody approaches, or a girl who may get approached but wants a specific man to ask her out, it drives me up the wall. Some people can get away with being passive and they get what they want. Good for them. But they're rare and you are NOT one of them. You are looking for male attention and not receiving it. So how do we solve this problem? You go out and you ask someone you like out on a date. It's that simple. It's the 21st century, it's no longer weird or too forward for a woman to ask a man out. It's not the taboo it once was. And so what if it was? Women got to this point of great relative equality by challenging taboos.

I recently posted an anonymous question pretending to be a man who wanted to know how to hint to a woman to ask him out. I'll post it right here for you. The results were fairly predictable, almost everyone thought the guy should suck it up and ask the woman out. There was noticable pity and confusion as to why he was so passive when it made so much sense to just ask her out himself. Most people did not see the irony of the question, and gave their unbiased opinion: that he was being a wuss and was being foolish for risking missing out on a great person over something so stupid as wanting the OTHER interested party to ask them out. Women do this very often, and it is just as pathetic and entitled as if a man did it.

Last time I checked, women have mouths, brains, crushes and legs. As these are the major pre-requisites for asking someone out, you would expect that it would happen more often. But it doesn't. Instead, women treat themselves like children who cannot face their fears and instead wait for someone else (a man) to come by and do what they are too timid to do themselves. Stop selling yourselves short, stop restricting your dating pool to only the men who asked you out. Stop letting yourself believe that asking someone out on a date is a 'mans job'. Stop letting yourself be lonely when you think your crush is interested but he hasn't asked you out yet. Start treating yourselves less like girls and more like women. I know that asking out a guy is intimidating. Asking out a girl is intimidating! We're all the same in that regard, the difference is that men typically learn to overcome that anxiety and women typically dont. And really it's women who suffer for this more than men. It gives us the power to decide that we're done being lonely, that we're gonna go ask out that girl and if she isn't interested then I'll find another who is. It's empowering and it's exactly what women need. So ask out that guy you've been waiting on forever! And while you're at it, you're having half the fun so pay for half the date.

It's my hope that this inspires at least one woman to ask out the man of their dreams, if I do inspire you to do so please let me know.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't see much generalising in your take. Everything is very well put and explained in a concise manner.

    You're right, there is no reason today for women not to ask men out.

    I laugh at women's counterargument that they've tried and got rejected many times, do it's no use.

    LOL, and what do they think men feel like? I've yet to meet a guy who bagged the first bird he talked to. Guys get rejected every bloody day and it's "acceptable". But if a girl gets rejected, she just gives up.

    I think the reason for that is major insecurity. If a girl gets rejected many times, she'll start thinking she's not pretty enough and her fragile ego will start crumbling. So she'll choose to stop asking guys out to preserve whatever is left of her self-esteem.

    I've been rejected in some vile ways, cursed out and humiliated. But that never stopped me from approaching guys I was interested in. If someone is a shitbag to me for showing interest - that's on them, not me. I simply dodged a bullet and move on.

    • Excellent answer.

    • Opinions like this is why you make the short list of GaGers I follow.


    • This is excellent. I agree totally. I actually got laughed at by a girl AND all her friends the first time I asked someone out. Talk about ego crushing, I cried on and off for like 2 days. But eventually I got the courage to ask another girl out, she was nicer at least when she turned me down.

Most Helpful Guy

  • I like your piece, but I have to disagree with one fundamental point you've made. Women have not been empowered. Rather, women, and to a lesser extent men too, have been infantilized over the past decades. True empowerment comes only through one's own thought and action, through using and applying one's faculty of reason to sustain and to improve one's life. It doesn't come through hand-outs, the so-called 'empowerment' that feminists have successfully advocated. People are more insecure and more unconfident than they have ever been, and that should be no surprise.

    • I agree that they don't act particularly empowered in dating which is part of the point I'm making, do you mean they aren't acting empowered in a broader sense? If so, I'm curious to hear your perspective, please elaborate.

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    • "Women have not been empowered. Rather, women have been infantilized"

      I don't think most of them mind. If I were infantilized in that way (opposite gender looking out for me, asking me out/flirting often, and wanting to marry me and provide a life for me while I took care of a home) I sure wouldn't complain about it. That's a good life.

    • @labellaprincesa Aww, thanks!

      @koko124 Your scenario is different from the one I described, which was the fake 'independent' woman produced by feminism. The traditional housewife scenario is superior to that, because (a) it's consensual, (b) it's not dishonest, and (c) it is a full-time career when the children are young (though not when the children are older, unless one is home-schooling them). I would say that many modern women don't seem to mind, at least on first glance. But, look at how angry feminists are, and look at how emotionally insecure women in general are these days. This indicates extreme dissatisfaction, perhaps in many cases not consciously since very few people bother to think deeply about their lives. Is Kim Jong-un happy? Obviously not. Everything he gets is through force or charity. He has no achievements. That's an extreme example of the point that I'm illustrating.

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What Girls Said 68

  • When it comes to me, it's already happened!
    Though he technically asked me out first, I wasn't ready at the time. So a few months later when I became sure that I was definitely interested, I took the initiative. I knew that regardless of how many 'hints' I tried to give, he had already been turned down, and the chances that he'd try again were slim to none.
    We also rotate who grabs the bill most of the time.

    I don't see why he should always grab it. I mean.. we're both students, both working part-time jobs. Relatively similar financial situations, I find it makes me feel almost uncomfortable if he pays every single time; as if I'm incapable or something.

    • Yes, asking out a woman who has already turned you down feels like a waste of time to most guys so you were smart to ask him out the second time. Whenever I've asked a girl out a second time I got the same no that I got the first time.

    • yeah, makes sense. That's exactly why, when I was sure that I was ready, I decided to step up to the plate. I'm not saying he should have tried again in any way..
      No one wants to set themselves up for rejection twice in a row haha.

    • ^_^ I like you. Youra good woman. I hope I can find a girl like this. cept witout the rejection lol

  • I think why most women don't do it is because nobody told them they could. Sometimes people will wait for others to come out and say,"yes you can do that."But I see waiting for anyone to tell you being to polite where it's kind of stupid.

    Majority of the dudes I dated. I was the one who asked them out and straight up told them I liked them. Also most of the dates I went on I payed for everything. I think of it like this. I hate waiting and I'm not just going to sit by and see if someone ask me out or stuff. I don't care who does the asking or paying. I honestly don't like guys to spend money on me. It makes me feel like I'm getting into debt and I don't like that feeling at all.

    • Well I view it as something both parties should pay half of but I don't think many men will be complaining about you. I agree that many women probably just don't know that it's okay, but I hope that changes.

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    • i definitely wouldn't date you... a guy that doesn't pay on a first date is a no-go, even though I always offer to pay. I would pay the next time or bring him a gift to make it more equal... i dont expect to get sex for that either ;)

    • If you offer to pay then you have no right to think less of him for taking you up on that. Talk about disingenuous. I do typically pay for a first date if she doesn't offer to pay half because it's not something I consider to be worth ruining a good date over, and as a guy I can't really change that tradition only women can change that one, but my opinion is that both parties should pay.

  • I agree. This is why, whenever I see a girl on here asking how to "make a guy ask her out" or how to "drop hints" or whatever (just like you mentioned in your examples) I always ask them "why don't YOU ask him out?"
    You did generalize quite a bit though by basically addressing ALL women even though there are women out there who already ask guys out. But I get your point anyway.

    • Yes, I know I generalized a bit. I did my best to avoid generalizations but at the end of the day I am not perfect and I overlook details.

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    • Wtf is wrong with you?

    • She's a troll, ignore her...

  • When are women going to start taking more responsibility for dating?
    Likely when gals start getting less consequences for dating like guys do. I imagine more gals will desire to end gender roles when they aren't still conditioned to fit them ala working and still doing all/most of the household/childcare duties or the slut double standard. However I find guys tend to only speak positively about equality when it suits them such as in splitting bills, hitting gals, or gals approaching guys.

    So why is it that a woman who can have a career and a home and a car cannot muster the courage to ask a man on a freaking date?
    Likely the same reason why a guy can have a career and a home and a car and cannot muster the courage to ask a woman on a freaking date.

    Why is it that men are supposed to do the initiating and face the rejection every time?
    Possibly the same reason why gals are supposed to be passive and face harassment, assault, and more and accept it as a compliment since any male attention is positive attention. Gender roles abound.

    • It isn't expected of women to be complete pushovers and to accept abuse and harassment. Like wtf are you even talking about?

      I have no problem asking out a woman, I've done it many times. But I want it to be less one sided. It gets old fast and makes guys not want to bother with dating.

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    • You missed the whole point of this post.. if you dont approach guys then dont expect them to approach you.

      "guys generally do not want to bother with dating instead see it as a necessary evil to have sex." lol are you even serious with this bull****? Not every guy wants a woman for sex only. Not evey guy is a douche that objectifies women.

    • ElijahWood
      It seems you assumed the point. The given point by the OP was when are gals going to start taking more responsibility for dating and that gals 'suffer' by not approaching.

      The only bullshit I see is your reading comprehension. Nowhere did I state 'every guy' so you seemingly defensive whining is unnecessary.

  • I've approached every guy I've ever done anything with, and been rejected a couple times, and guess what, it wasn't the end of the world. I feel that women who refuse to ask a guy out are often just escaping their own fear of rejection by shoving it all onto the guy. And then they wonder why they don't have a boyfriend. It makes me kind of sad.

    • I agree and I've seen quite a few responses that reflected that, where a girl preferred the man to ask her out so she doesn't have to face being rejected.

    • But blaming that on gender roles is kind of silly. You can't say "I'm scared, so because I'm a girl I don't have to do it"...

    • Epicfrog12 strikes again.

  • I just think if you want it, you should go and get it. A girl asking a guy out is pretty normal here. Also going dutch on dates.
    I have to say, studies have shown that guys fall easier in love than women. This also might explain the power of this gender role.
    Here's the link: www.independent.co.uk/.../...al-words-9873491.html

  • The moment we teach our girls that's there's nothing wrong with being assertive and going out and get if what they want; is the moment we see change.
    Once we make them feel confident enough with their personality and looks is the moment we will get his change.
    As a girl I wasn't scared of rejection (well of course I was) but I thought he'd think I was bossy or assertive. And I thought that's guys like cute little submissive girls who role over the moment a guy tells her. I thought he'd be like "I'm so one who weds the pants" and asking him out would make him feel less manly that I was scared out of my mind I do it.
    As I've grown up more and realized guys won't approach me I realized it's not this huge traumatic scene I was thinking of.
    We need to get girls to start being confident in themselves and not scared of little things like being bossy. Guys aren't afraid of those things so they go after what they want, so let's make girls less afraid too.

    • @SomeOtherGuy
      Im sorry to better explain my point about manipulation upon manipulation. in a relationship you can only put but so much energy into it. if you waste energy on the appearance of a relationship you have no time to delve deeper into the person. if you spend time on the relationship itself and the person is right for you it will shine from the inside out like a diamond. diamonds can create their own light even in the dark.

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    • again sorry about commenting on your opinion.

    • I don't know how we can possibly teach girls to be more assertive and going out and get what they want than we are already doing. Anymore that is the premise of any Disney film that has human characters. The days of girls being raised with stories about weak submissive women waiting on a man to save them are gone. Even in sitcoms the guy is always a joke, and the women are the ones having to keep him in line. What more could we possibility do?

  • I'm ballsy as hell.. I don't really give a flying crap who does what. I'll ask a guy out, but we sure as hell are splitting the check.

  • Lol @

    " it's rough asking guys out bc they will always say yes even if they don't like you they can play you". And a guy who asks you out can never play you. And worse if you're waiting that wastes even more time.
    Also no woman is asked out so much to take away the purpose in her asking out, bc no matter how many guys ask you out it's never going to always be exactly who you want.

    Or "asking out is no problem but then they act passive like a woman afterwards." Why should anyone be passive in a relationship.

    Or "women don't like rejection. " no one dies.

    Even the " guys think it's desperate if a woman approaches " that's not all guys that's some guys and if you cater to them they'll never change. If a guy likes you but rejects you bc you show inteterest he's a baby and not worthy of an adult relationship.

    A lot of women ask guys out but the ones who don't , the excuses are ridiculous.

    Asker just curious once a woman asks you out how would you approach the rest if the relationship? Like would you want a break from gender roles in approaching but then a return once in a relationship, or would it cinfjnue to be fluid?

    I asked my bf out and to be my bf and now were engaged. actually I I intimated that too though he has already been carrying around the ring. Anyhow it's true he'd thought he'd added me out earlier but I had no idea. So if I hadn't taken it upon myself to -what I thought at that time was -initiate dating for the first time, we'd never be together bc he'd all but given up that I might like him. He actually made me wait a few weeks to make sure I meant it. And the fact I asked didn't turn out to mean he's passive or lazy or not really intersted. We just didn't communicate clearly which happens all the time. Getting angry bc someone didn't ask you out is just childish when you didn't make a move yourself. Even if you're uncertain- so what. That's what a question is lol when you're not sure if the answer. And that's life.

    • I would do whatever was generally expected of the male role, unless given an indicator that a gender role need not apply. I'm not an idiot, gender roles can only be eliminated with awareness and not everyone is aware. It's not always worth ruining a good date. And frankly, a lot of them can only be addressed from the female side. Sure, I may be able to force a woman to pay for her half of a date, but she doesn't need to go back out with me if that turns her off. Only women realistically have the power to decide if they're going dutch or making the man pay.

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    • As for why I care about this, it's not so much that I'm sick of doing it (almost asked a girl out today actually) so much as I'm sick of women who won't do it, it's so pathetic and inconsiderate in my eyes when a woman expects men to always do all the asking. Like the quote in the first picture of the myTake, she's sitting there hopelessly infatuated with a guy wishing he'd ask her out and to me I feel like... why the f*ck don't you just do it yourself instead of missing out on someone really great? Maybe he doesn't know you like him, but you do know you like him, so which person does it make sense to be asking? Basically I hate the stupidity and the passivity. I guess I hate the double standard too. What, men are supposed to be impervious, fearless, always-confident-regardless-of-circumstances, never too shy to let his feelings be known and you think it's okay to sit there and do nothing about it and then get upset if he doesn't do anything? Only psychopaths can match that fantasy.

    • Oh yeah I get what you mean and I agree with all of it-- except as a woman I wouldn't be " passive" to keep The peace bc I think it's degrading and it's a deal breaker if thaTs what he " needs" to feel like a man so it's not really something Id say would create a conflict bc it IS a conflict. But things like if he wants to walk me home or pick me up or " pick " me up lol it's awkwsrd but Id accept it if it made him feel good. Bc they are not evil sentiments and not a reason for me to drop him. Thoigh it'd be distasteful if I wanted to walk " him" home and he refused:p

      Basicslly im open to him doimg for me whatever he wanTs as long as he's open to me doing it. Not to make a point but to enjoy a free open space where we both feel room to be ours, eves and explore who we are:)

      I didn't mention too that I agree with and has e used as an example myself that when you want a job you don't sit at home and passively wait for someone to magically hire you :p

  • Right, if people want to date somebody they need to take the bull by the horns and do something about it instead of sitting on their asses. I realized that years ago when I was single, lonely, and ready to date. I had never been approached by a guy in my life (now that I'm in a relationship, it happens all the time). So I started asking guys out. I did that for about 3 years and was always rejected/turned down for whatever reason, but I still did it.

    • I like your 'grab the bull by the horns' attitude

      It isn't just you, most people get rejected most of the time they ask someone out. I'm glad you kept with it and found your guy!

    • I didn't keep up with it, actually. I had come to the conclusion that guys just didn't want to go out with me, and that it probably meant I wasn't ready to date after all. I let just let it go for a bit. And that's when my husband made a move on me. It's a long story, but we already knew each other for several years. He liked me and made it known by kissing me (my first ever, so that was a surprise), and then he took me out on an actual date, lol. He comes from a different culture where the men make all the moves and they pay for the first few dates (at least), so I think things would have turned out differently if I had put the moves on him first.

    • Oh okay well yeah that makes sense then, yeah in your situation it probably wouldn't have worked out too well if you had tried to seduce him XD

  • Most women not all, are a lot more sensitive to rejection than men. A man asks a woman out if he finds her attractive. A woman asks a man out usually when she's been crushing on him for months and he simply wouldn't notice it. She makes sure that he's within her league and only then asks him out. It's not about expecting the man to do it. It's more about having the confidence and feeling secure enough to do it even if there's a 90% chance of rejection. There are women who ask men out, these women are either gorgeous or believe that they are and rejection or acceptance isn't going to change that. We're all going to say that there's no such thing as beautiful or ugly. But deep inside a small part of us believes in it. Every time a guy rejects us, all we think is that we're not good enough for them. Very rarely do we think that we're incompatible. Even in movies we rarely see an unattractive woman asking out a handsome man without getting a makeover first. Except in the case of men, all he has to do is muster the courage to do it and voila everything works out. Despite hoping that these things will change, personally, I can't ask a guy out unless it's a date or if I'm paid millions to do it. Total hypocrite.

    • It's just as hard for men. The only difference is we don't have the luxury of being able to sit on the sidelines unless we want to stay single.

    • It's not. Logically yes, these things don't apply. But our society imposes these rules on us. Maybe things will change and they have, but it'll be at least a decade before it's the norm for a woman to ask a man out, pay for the whole date and ask a man to marry her.

  • Because many of us (myself included) were brought up with the old school notion that the guy was supposed to ask her out. Now don't get me wrong, as old fashioned as I tend to be I'll even admit that a woman asking a man out is awesome (I envy their confidence) but so many of us are a product of our raising. I'm thirty one years old and just realizing that this is outdated but better to realize it now than never I guess. I've already lost my shot with a guy once because of this and I don't want it to happen again. Good luck.

  • I've never had a guy approach me, I've always asked the guys out and they've always said no. I've been rejected about 17 times in the last three years. I actually just told a guy yesterday how I felt (i told him a year ago and figured it was time to mention it again) and he said he needed time to think about how he felt (this usually means no). Some girls do try but then they get tired of the rejection and give up. I said I would give up... and I did till yesterday when I told that guy that I still like him.

    • I'm sorry to hear that, but this is the reality that men deal with all the time. The ratio of women I've asked out to women who I've actually dated is pitifully low, and people tell me that I'm an above average man in terms of both looks and personality.

      I do appreciate that you take the initiative, believe me I understand the struggle of being rejected back to back to back and what it can do to your confidence. But just like us guys, you can either keep trying or give up. Giving up means losing the power to change your dating life.

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    • No guy's are not soft too many social stigmas and rejections kill a mans self esteem and confidence. You gotta have some wins to have confidence losses do nothing but weaken that.

    • @RinXD
      That's a two way thing. If I am the only one that makes an effort and it never gets anywhere then it hurts me as much as it hurts.

      Oh fun fact. That guy I was talking about in my response. Yeah he asked out a girl the same day that I told him how I felt. he's known how I felt for over a year and lead me on the whole time but didn't find that to be important info to tell mw

  • I agree, we girls should step up a bit. I would totally ask a giy out first, but because of my lack of confidence, I would first have to make sure the feeling is mutual. Like most guys would too. XD

    Other thing I don't understand is that why some girls expect guys to pay on the first date, or in general. Sure if they truly want, it is polite. But you shouldn't demand that. And we girls could pay for dates more often.

    • Yeah I read that half of women will offer to go dutch but more than a third of them will actually think less of a guy if he takes them up on it and that seems a bit disingenuous to me. If you want to go dutch, do it. If you don't, I certainly disagree with you, but don't do it anyways and think less of the guy. It leaves men in a bind where they don't know if they can accept the offer without screwing up the date.

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    • I know, like she's seriously advocating that men don't deserve to date if they don't have lots of spare money. Like wtf. I could never date someone with that kind of toxic mindset. If you aren't willing to go outside your comfort zone for someone or spend 10 freaking dollars then they deserve better. Like seriously, what can that buy like 2 small dinners at mcdonalds? What a spoiled brat.

    • That's just what happens when someone is given everything they want all the time I guess.

  • Well yeah. if you want something you should go get it.

    But I think for women, the safest path is to be very flirty and gauge what kind of reaction you're getting. If he reciprocates, then I think it's safe to ask him to "hang out" with you, if you really do like him a lot.

    As some guys on here said, women do find it very hot if a man sees a woman he likes, and displays his confidence by going after her.
    I really hate it when a guy just gives me his number and blindly hopes that I decide he's worthy enough to text. I mean really? I find it so emasculating if a guy does that.

    If I can chase a man and get him to change his feelings about me (from not liking me to liking me), then that's a victory for me. But if I know he likes me but he does nothing about it, it's a complete turnoff...

    • How is being flirty and indirect any "safer" than just coming out and professing your actual desires?

    • What is to be done with the guys who are like me that have zero radar for flirtation and hints? You may think I'm ignoring you, in reality, I'm likely not aware you've expressed any interest at all.

  • We do. Well, I can't say for other women, but I do.
    And you are horribly mistaken. Usually, the women who demand the man to ask a woman out are more traditional and don't really agree with feminism or "female empowerment". They are usually the more traditional types of ladies who require the man to pay for most (if not all) dates and again, they usually don't like feminism. I know, I know. GaG is full of men who hate everything feminist and blame it on them. And I know, you're gonna say "I never blamed feminism." Though you are hinting it indirectly.

    Again, I do take initiative but fucking guys reject the hell out of me. I'd rather just buy a dildo cuz I'm too old for this shit. And getting dates is for pretty boys/girls and we're not all pretty enough to not get rejected.
    And I go for shy, geeky guys. The guys who standards I hope would be low enough to consider dating me. Lol how wrong I am. I don't ask out every guy I see. I've asked about a handful but they all rejected me. I know, that's what guys go through too. But men like to act like all women have to do is ask a guy out and he'd jump for joy. Negative.
    I even asked a question on this, and basically, I need to accept my future as a crazy cat lady.

    • Well based on what I've read, you describe yourself as boring, non-feminine, socially awkward and you approach strangers. If a guy like this (but non-masculine instead) approached a strange girl, do you think he would have a good chance? Probably not. Being a girl and asking someone out doesn't guarantee you a yes. Men have standards too and although they are sometimes different from womens standards they still need to be met. Based on your profile picture, you're not unattractive and I'd accept a date with you if I got a good vibe from you. And getting a good vibe from someone is less likely to happen if they don't even know your name. Your problem is your approach. Sure, you're attractive enough but you give me the impression of coming off as robotic and appearing out of nowhere which would make me uncomfortable before you even asked me out. Getting to know someone to get a date may seem creepy but you don't have to be BFF's with them they just generally need to know who you are.

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    • The evidence supports that hypothesis

    • Stay away then from shy geeky guys!

  • Many women I know asked the guy out or even confessed to him first. That's not the issue. The problem is, most men won't reject the girl even if they don't like them and that can't possibly end well when the girl is interested in a serious relationship. She will be easily played.
    The issue is not asking the guy out, but what happens after that. Will you assume your gender role from there on or you switch places?

    I remember the first guy I asked out. I didn't really know him well but thought he was a good guy from what I had seen. Lol, let's just say there's nothing worse than a guy playing the female role and expecting to be seduced and flirted with (like flirting is a one way street...), at the same time expecting me to cook for him and what not. Absolutely disgusting.
    I guess he never liked me, but yeah...

    After that traumatic experience, I still asked a guy out again. We're still seeing each other.
    The thing is, I waited quite a while and tried to see first how good of a person he was, if he was a player, honest, etc. Only then did I take that chance and it was one of the best things I did so far. Basically because it seems he was already interested in me from way before, wanted to have asked me out but didn't muster the courage^^;; but after I asked him out and going out for a bit, he's not as shy as I'm when talking about his feelings! And he knows how to treat me with respect and consideration, not acting superior just because I took the first step.
    Even in our first date he absolutely refused to let me pay. I was obviously willing to, but thinking about it, I guess that also says something about men who let women take charge and pay for them... Because gender roles do still exist independently of who confesses first.

    • I'm not really going against what you said, but I think it's not a black and white subject. It depends on every individual.
      I think it's okay for anyone to confess to a person they already like and maybe even trust, but both genders should maybe be more careful when addressing people they don't really know at all and ask them on a date.
      Again, someone who's used to date around won't have a problem with this situation, but not all of us are like that. Not all of us are following the date rules and the date style which is apparently seen as "the norm" by everyone in the media and many people out of it.

    • A guy can play wiTh you even if he ask you.. OFten thats an aim Before you evEn meet. And if a guy is a player and you've been flirtingbc wiTh him for months testing him when you couldve just gotten it over with by asking him oit and realizing he's a jerk after a few dates.

      I don't think waitinG to be asked out gives you control it takes it away. Bc it's not your choice.

    • Are you saying iF HED romanced you then you'd be ok beimg his maid -- or jusT ThaT the problem was he was not doing anything?

  • I agree, I've always been one to take what I want and not be afraid to go after it. I don't think it's fair for women to constantly expect a man to "win them over". The world is taking a new turn and that's one of the many gender roles that need to be demolished

  • I hate gender roles and don't think either sex should be obligated to ask the other out. I've asked guys out before and I'm extremely shy. I almost had a heart attack.

    • Lol I know, it's EXACTLY as intimidating for us too, believe me. I guess it probably makes you appreciate how difficult it is, right?

  • For two years, I've had a MASSIVE crush on this amazing guy. We became good friends a year before I really started liking him, and when I told him I liked him, he rejected me because he liked another girl. He and that other girl dated for a while, but now this guy has been single. I still have feelings for him, but we've remained extremely close friends, and I feel like he knows that I still have lingering feelings for him. Now all of a sudden, people at my school are saying he and I should date, or that's it's going to happen eventually, like we'll go to homecoming next year or something. Also, he's been texting me about his penis, talking about it being huge, and also mentioning when he's laying in bed naked. He's been saying this stuff in kind of a joking way, but it's still kind of weird because he's never said stuff like this before. He's even mentioned a few times that I need to see how big it is, but still kind of as a joke. I can't tell if he likes me, but I really like him, and I want to go out. I've been thinking about taking action lately, and now I think I'll do it. I don't know how, but I will. Thank you for your inspiring message. Hopefully, I'll get to be with the boy of my dreams. If not, I hope we remain as close as we've been. He and I have gone through a lot together, and whatever happens, I just want him in my life.

    Also, thanks for taking the time to read my insanely long comment! :)

    • I'm glad to help! Definitely let me know if he agrees to a date, best of luck! :)

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What Guys Said 49

  • For me, girls would generally initiate some sort of interest by being flirty and open, or saying things like "I would love to go out with you", but never actually saying the words. That seems to be how girls do things, like it has to come from an extended interaction, rather than walking across a room and throwing some line and grabbing a number.

    It seems like most relationships I've been around started not from total strangers meeting, but them meeting each other through friends. You hang out with a friend, who brings one of their friends, and the two of you hit it off.

    In my case, some half my relationships had started with the girl.

    But as for the other girls, yeah, I'm so sick of the standard narrative of "Boy falls for girl" then "Boy must climb a ladder upstream against the wind to earn her presence." Especially when many girls DON'T LIKE being approached. So... it is our JOB to be the one annoying women? Then WHADDAYA KNOW, men make sexual advances on women more than women make sexual advances on men.

    There are things I've heard about paying for dates. "He should pay for my date because I game him my time!" No. He offered his time when he asked you out, and you offered yours when you agreed. That's already neutral.

    "But I gave him sex" Unless you want to go back to the victorian era or the middle east where women's sexuality is blasphemous, I'm going to assume you are not asexual, and therefore you are both getting sex. You are not "giving it" and him "recieving it".

    "Girls love and deserve to be courted" And guys love and deserve to be courted.

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    • I just had another good example.

      A knight in shining armor makes it his chivalrous duty to find the fiends, slay the dragon, and rescue the princes.

      Dafuq did the princess ever do for him? Give him the time of day? Don't act like a second-class citizen who needs to be provided for. There's a difference between wanting a relationship of mutual support and trust, and wanting a "provider and protector".

    • I heard about Norah Vincents book, I was gonna read it but I forgot to... I should get on that.

  • I do agree. So many girls these days are 20+ year old children who want everything handed to them. They think they're special because they're parents drilled it into their heads. They figure if a few guys asked them out, their crush will suddenly have some sort of automatic attraction to her because she brushed her hair in a certain way or some junk and that was supposed to be a "sign" because she smiled when she did it.

    If they want to be equal they're gonna need to accept the responsibilities that come with it. Yet I notice when this gets pointed out these girls go into "attack mode" on the guy voicing his opinions because they got hit with a harsh truth and can't accept it. They'll deflect their insecurities with typical guy blaming stuff and make themselves more undateable than they already are.

    • equal? lol
      seriously what about equal payment etc? feminism hasn't changed the role models

    • @labellaprincesa Gender roles in dating and equal pay are both important issues but they aren't really related and I'd like to stay on topic.

    • While it's irrelevant, the pay inequality is mostly a myth until proven true. The biggest reason for women making less than men is because of them generally having lower qualifications and lower risk taking behaviors.

  • Good take.

    Personally, I don't care what gender you are, or what social expectations apply.

    If you're afraid to approach someone, I'll call you what you are, a little bitch. Fortunately, being a little bitch is unisex job.

  • 3.bp.blogspot.com/.../the-rock-clapping.gif

    In my life, Girls asked me out in eyes only. Now, a guy can easily be labelled as perv, no?
    We also fear of rejection.
    Where is gender equality now?
    If girls start to ask guys, they won't end up with jerks that much, I bet.

    Even the name of the site is: GIRLS ASK GUYS!

  • *Starts applauding and wipes away a tear*

    I agree with every single word of this mytake. Couldn't have said it better myself. Well done.

  • ill be honest. im really just tired of hearing girls constantly complain about how they like a guy but won't ask him out cause they want to wait for him to do it. when you hear about the same guy over and over and over again. it gets old fast.

  • Have you perchance explored the non-gender-binary side to this? Or the non-hetero side?

    Think of the lesbians. Then the gays. Homosexual men are far more active in both terms of sex and dating. Lesbians have a harder time with this.
    What about those of the transexual community?

    There may be a new perspective in these communities worth asking about.

    I am on your side. Women and men should share this responsibility. We get rejected often, but there is a reward to being selective and acting on your attraction. Just remember to tweak your approach and think about who you want to attract. Look at other couples. Avoid always being in your head.

    I use a large mix of things. Dating sites, conventions, facebook, meet ups and blogs to expand my social network and thus my potential dating pool.

    Girls can benefit a lot by being active in their own dating life instead of passive. Men shouldn't be the only ones facing rejection and also the only ones reaping the benefits.

    • but men are not allowed to be as selective as women. often in life i have seen men get with women they don't like and put up with it for for the rest of their life. while men can be selective this is not often and sometimes goes down in flames (cock hold/ divorce). men have learned/been trained to take on responsibility as well punishment for their actions. women have not. when ever a girl commits a selfish act that blows up in her face 1. she doesn't feel comfortable with accepting responsibility for it. 2. everyone pays for it. there are thousands of women out there who are like this and as a result are taxes go to broken homes and children who were born to glue a relationship back together. until women learn to accept responsibility as a woman! And make the right choice s based off of who she is i don't think they need anymore power

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    • im not throwing around blame I was just stating as a straight guy in a straight relationship who is not considered "worthy" by most women i know that the right thing in a lot of cases is not what's on their mind. yah the want to have fun like men do but its a steeper price that in some cases they are not willing to pay. it is feared that giving this power to lesbains will open the back door for other women to use that do not have the best in mind. as men we at least try to keep ourselves in check. what I was saying that even at a basic level women don't seem to do that. they reveal this to us in their basic relationships hence the connection. Because it seem like they do not measure by heart and soul. so how can they tell character. men are by far means worst but we at least clean up after ourselves and try to do better. As a man I am held accountable for a lot of things i did not sign up for but i try to do the right thing.

    • @SomeOtherGuy
      in a lot of cases i don't see women doing the right thing for other people because they do not do the right things for themselves. that is what the relationships they have reflect.

  • A lot of women especially in the US want it both ways. They want equality, but if old fashioned status roles are to their BENEFIT, they cling to them like a kid to his favorite blanket. Anything difficult or stressful, hey that's 'men's work.'

    • it's called "I want what benefits me, and i need a good excuse"

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    • @dartmaul15

      it's called having their cake and eating it too

    • And that's why you don't marry an American woman. And they might take at least half of your assets.

  • hey i agree with that. I think women want to, but how often has that been done? you know?
    But i will say a lot of times women have a different way of asking a guy out... without asking a guy out. They'll ask the guy if he wants to chill with a couple of her friends, or she might be like, "hey im bartending tonight or tomorrow i think you should stop by" etc etc, or "i want to see you again, its been fun."

    Now this could be the ultimate friendzone, or it could be a girl, that is trying to make it as comfortable for you to ask her out as possible :)

  • All of nature works off of female selection. For a while male humans hijacked this, feminism s a natural correction. Women choose, men audition. They don't even fully understand this and its not done purposely but it happens. Bottom line is, woman can jump between old and new school beliefs as it suits them. Don't be mad, just deal wit it. Men are so confused as to what they're supposed to do that we're literally all over the place... mixed signals to a societal degree have created so many different types of men. It will sort itself out, just approach women when you can and give every woman who approaches you the time of day, if just for a little bit. We have to encourage this.

    • Well I wouldn't say it works that way for 'all' of nature but I can see your point, yes I think it will eventually even out because nature hates dis-equilibrium I'm just hoping it evens out in a more equal way.

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    • Dude... 2 years ago. That's just a lie. Maybe 30 years ago. That's pretty recent too. 2 years ago was 2013 man. Also the gender roles evolved naturally from the differences between men and women and those differences evolved naturally from the distance in hormones between men and women. Balance... not equality is natural. People seem not to realize that there are areas biased toward women too an easy mistake to make because the parts that favored men were mainly economic and therefore easily measurable. There have always been drawbacks to each gender. What you're seeing now is that we have eliminated many of the drawbacks of being a women without eliminating those for being a man... mainly because men are socialized not to talk about them or demonized when they do. I'm not an MRA or anything here but it's the truth. You want to know why women aren't changing... it's because they don't have to. Someone will ask them out even if you dont but men can't continue to act the same old way

    • I meant two hundred, my bad

  • It could happen but it will take an entire generation worth of time to adjust it.

    Women like men who are brave, heroic, and confident. A guy asking a girl out proves to her that he's brave enough to face a negative reaction and a blow to his self esteem. He's a real man. And the men who never go chat up a girl they like because of nervous anxiety get screened out and don't make the cut. If women did all the first moves, they'd likely find themselves wasting time on timid beta males who don't know how to be real men.

    I know, it sucks. I've been there and it is one of the hardships guys have to go through and try to figure out. I too wish society wouldn't pressure men so much, and instead make it equal pressure for both genders.

    It also sucks for women who are crushing on a man they like; they flirt with him over and over again hoping he'd ask her out and he never does. Even though he probably would say yes if she invited him out.

    • For some guys its not always nerves. For some guys they are just oblivious that a lady likes them lol

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    • @LilWeezey
      Yes that's true. I've looked back on my life and realized I've walked away from so many opportunities because I was oblivious to the fact some girls gave me indicators of interest. That and there were times I was too timid about trying to take it to the next level because I was so afraid I'd mess it all up and destroy her interest in me.

    • @LilWeezey

      You must be reading my mind. When I first started to date my wife, I actually warned her that obliviousness was one of my character traits. I told her that no matter how much she had taken it into account, I could always outdo her in not being aware of what she was attempting to communicate to me.
      (As a measure of how bad I am, I actually started to propose to her at a gas station but then stopped... for 2 weeks. Talk about waiting for the other shoe to drop. She finally responded by putting a jeweler's brochure in my car. Subtle.)

  • Risk taking is a masculine trait. Women are feminine and that's why they are less likely to ask a guy out. Plus, the biggest way to show your masculinity to a woman is show her you don't fear rejection. That's why most guys want women to ask them our, they're afraid of being rejected.

    If you're really that afraid then just give the woman your number. Even if she doesn't like you she'll still take it but just never call you. Most women are cool and will do their best to let you down easy. I usually just strike up a conversation, then end it with "you're cute, let me give you my number" or "I gotta run but I'd like to see you again, here's my number". Not a big deal.

    • No I am not 'that afraid', I don't just want women to ask men out, I want men and women to ask each other out when they want to date each other. If a man likes a woman, ask her out. If a woman likes a man, ask him out. I want love and dating to be a two way street. Yes, I do get nervous about asking a woman out. I still do it though. I'm not a wuss.

  • The only girls I've ever dated asked me out. I wish more girls would do it. It's fun!

  • Women already do ask guys out. They just dont often ask average guys out when they're young because they get asked out so much they can choose between those guys.

    But go ask star high school athletes how often they're being hit on.

    • Being hit on and being asked out are different.

    • Tbh those guys get sex thrown at them under the (correct) assumption it's more likely to be accepted by males.

  • Why would some take responsibility? Too many men are desperate and will do anything to get a girlfriend. In order for women to take more responsibility men will have to demand them to do so. However this will never happen as you have too many men who became feminized and will do anything to not hold them responsible. Maybe in another life men and women would actually act like adults and have a bit more common sense but not in this one.

    • Yes many men are desperate but when you consider that most women dislike desperate men then the argument for more responsibility makes more sense.

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    • @SexyTexas now we're just squabbling with the specifics, being approached only by undesired men isn't much different than not getting approached at all from a practical point of view and would have the same result. So you really didn't disprove my main point. You actually agreed with the point but disagreed with the details.

    • And who raised them to be feminine? The single mothers lol.

  • This take is not addressed to me, but I still approve of the message and I like it.

  • Really, really good take. I'm going to honest here, I'd didn't expect anything good to come out of an anonymous take, but this has put the cherry on top.

  • I disagree entirely on the fact dating hasn't changed. I know many girls who have asked guys out. I also know many women who pay for the date. Who DO they ask out? Usually wealthy men of course. But even girls don't like being asked out by guys who aren't rich snobs.

    • Why are they paying for dates if they're dating rich snobs?

    • Hahahaha good question... xD

    • @Takeowner I'd imagine the ones who are true gold-diggers just let guys spoil them. I just meant I have come across girls who pay for dates.

  • Women always give the same excuse: "i don't wanna look to demanding/desperate/forward".

    But in my 22 years on this planet, i have never, i repeat NEVER heard any guy say this to a girl. EVER.

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