How to stop being so bitter and angry?

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'm genuinely asking for advice, how can I stop being so bitter and angry. I'm mad because, whenever I like a girl, I either get rejected right away or (more often) get friendzoned, or they start dating some other guy, and, it's made me very bitter. I try to be cold, unfeeling, and logical, but deep down my personality is the opposite, no matter how much I try not to feel, I think I may feel even more intensely than most people. What would be sadness for most people is despair for me, what would be anger is rage or hatred, instead of just getting scared like most people, I get paranoid. Even though I try not to care, I have a very extreme fear of being alone, and having no one in the end. Usually I'll do anything in my power to avert that from happening, but by doing that I think I just push people away, and after that I come to the conclusion that I need to be alone (if you're alone already you can't lose anyone). Lately, I've been becoming more and more bitter, basically, because girls always friendzone, making me feel worthless, and feeding to my fear. Because I don't feel like everyone else I can't handle rejection well, at all. Worse still, I have a tendency to go from caring about a person, to deciding they mean nothing to me very easily. At this point, all I want to know is what's wrong with me, I'm not ugly, and, other than what I mentioned, I don't think I'm that unlikable as a person. Like I said, I don't know what's wrong with me, I can have pretty extreme mood swings (I looked into the symptoms for bipolar disorder, and it's not that, so I don't know. Also, back to the main question, how do I stop being so bitter, so myself (include the above mentioned issues) because I know girls don't like that in a guy.

[thetundrawolf]

My friend, you have a very emotional soul. Unbridled, and unlearned, it can cause you to come to ruin.

Right now, you are in a pivotal time frame, your soul is learning, and maturing, and setting the tone for the rest of your life.

You describe a mentality that is entirely codependent, to the point of falling down a helpless emotional spiral when faced with the idea of being alone.

Here is my advice...

Stay alone. Do not seek a mate.

Yes... that's right. Even if you were to find a woman who would put up with your dependent personality, she would leave you after a while, because while women are nurturers, they do not want to date a son they have to raise to maturity.

What should you do?

Enter into a relationship with Jesus, and the Father, ask the Father for the Holy Spirit.

Am I some religious kook? No. God has healed my damaged heart from so much, things that a million years of sessions with a shrink could never even scratch. God made you, and God knows your heart. If you seek Him, He will bring you healing.

There is another reason why you need to work out your own maturity.

It sets the tone for the rest of your life.. Imagine being a man who's anger quickly turns to unbridled rage. Imagine... Simple sadness crushes you, and destroys any semblance of joy in your life.

This is very, very unhealthy.

Bitterness is also unhealthy. It makes you feel sorry for yourself- and guess what- women can see it. Just like men can spot bitter women.

The bottom line is that you are bitter. You DEMAND women BE a certain way (That is, bending to your rage filled, depressed ways. You can subdue them for a time, but in the end, that is who you are.) which is a huge turn off. No women wants to be under a man who is filled with rage, depressed, and is bitter that they are not filling his *exact* mold for them.

Take it or leave it, I am speaking from my own experience.

[Asker]

Look, thanks, but, I'm an atheist, do you have advice that doesn't involve god, or, was the advice that I can't change myself, I'm confused.

[thetundrawolf]

Of course, if you read what I wrote and remove the part about God, I believe you can achieve a certain level of these things with your own effort. But you will only get so far, in my opinion.

[Asker]

For me, I tried to believe in god, I really did, but I just couldn't

[thetundrawolf]

Perhaps you tried to believe in God with too many predispositions on how you believe he Ought to be. I have been a Christian all of my life, and even after thirty- four years, I am only now just beginning to understand Who God is. The good news, is that I was wrong. God is not an overbearing, cruel, sadistic taskmaster who is waiting to hurt me because i screwed up.

[Asker]

You're one of the few christians I know to frame it that way, most say I'm doomed to hell or something, and, a lot of the stuff in the Bible makes me wary of whether god can be considered good. But I don't want to knock your belief, I may not believe, but I find nothing wrong with it.

[thetundrawolf]

I understand what you are saying. It is hard to see how God could be so angry in one part, then love us, and desire a relationship with us in another.

[Asker]

Yeah, that was my main problem.

[thetundrawolf]

It's a different agreement, between God, and man. The Old Testament was where God demanded people be good on their own abilities. The New Testament, was after that didn't work, Jesus (The Son of God) was born as a human, healed people, did miracles, did not sin, then he died- a sinless man- and God Himself raised Him up form the dead. Now we have a God who lives inside of us. A God of Love. God always loved us, but He has a range of emotions, including anger, when His people turned away from him... repeatedly, which is where the wrath comes from. Now, we have a merciful God who desires our hearts.

[GoodManDave]

I don't think this is my problem personally, so all I can do is give you thoughts on what might be one thing that helps me.

I was 20 before I had a girlfriend. Many friends were older. One friend was 25 before she dated, and she's marrying the guy (according to her she's never had a boyfriend, so I'll trust her). I know someone hitting 29 having only dated one person before his new girlfriend. He's getting a LOT of dates now (and just got a girlfriend). A friend went 10 years between DATES. It's rare, but it happens.

Out of the supposed "good girls" I've asked out (people you'd THINK would be decent enough), I've asked out girls that have turned out to have huge alcohol and other drug problems; girls who were physically abusive to their boyfriends, girls who cheated multiple times... and all this from girls who are active in the church - they were just good at playing the good girl role until their issues got away from them and they couldn't hide it any more. That's even neglecting counting the girls who have had other issues making a mature relationship more difficult. Let's just say that I've dodged some major bullets. You never know what issues these girls actually have that they're able to keep hidden because they're young.

Right now, I'm focused on a hundred other things. A good relationship with a woman would be great, but there are other important things that I'm trying to concentrate on first. Maybe, for now, a girlfriend is a distraction. Maybe putting that focus on the side (not for 10 years, maybe, but... until graduation, or until you get settled in college...) is an idea. You're still young. You have time.

[EragonDragonRider]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope you don't feel like this forever.

You know when I feel sad and lonely or bitter. I just look around me and appreciate and small miracles of the world. You know butterflies, books, my favorite colors. Or I just think of the stupid things people have said on tumbler. That always makes me laugh.

Usually the best way to help stop being so bitter or sad about something is to stop thinking about it. Let it go and just breathe deeply telling yourself that it's alright. You have another day to try again, or just laze around and watch your favorite movie while stuffing your face. Just do anything that will make you feel better about yourself and makes you stop thinking so negatively.

You won't die alone, you won't be alone, you will eventually find some one. Think of Ted Mosby, he waited for years looking for his perfect woman. He had his ups and downs, he was left at the alter, ran away with a bride and pretty much had a one sided love with Robin even after they broke up. If Ted Mosby can find his love so can you.

[Aetumn]

You're afraid of your emotions. Afraid of admitting you have them, so you try to hide and control them.
Here's a researcher who made a study of that behavior :

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

(it's one of the best videos I've seen on the subject)

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Nothing is wrong with you other than immaturity. You have to be able to handle rejection better. Look at the bottom line. You aren't dating this girl. You ask her out, if she says 'no', really nothing has changed, You weren't dating before, and aren't dating now. Plus you wouldn't like every girl who you see if they asked you out. You wouldn't be rejecting them due to something personal about them, you would just not be compatible.

You can keep yourself out of the friendzone by never getting into it. Only approach girls you like with the intention of asking them out, don't be their friend hoping for more.

[shacodraco]

You sound like a legitimate nice guy and all I will say is to never take rejection personally and to not let rejection stop you from pursuing women you are interested in. All guys get rejected at some point in their life and the more girls you ask out the more likely you will get rejected. Rejection is just something everyone (including girls) has to deal with. Don't let it bring you down and don't let what people say or think about you change the way you behave.

[kambo_trick3y]

Here ya go son.

www.feralnetwork.com/.../nV2EZNa.jpg

[Forsini48]

Dude I am in the same boat as you. If you do find a way out please share.