Don't know how to take things further with a girl?

[Anonymous]

I met her on an online dating site at the beginning of December. First date we went out for 3 hours for drinks and I felt it went really well. She offered to drive me to my car and we exchanged hugs. The next week we went out again, for dinner and stand up comedy. Again I felt like it went well, but when I tried kissing her she turned her head saying she was sick. I felt rejected and gave up.

4 days after this date, she texted me wishing me a happy new year (Jan 3rd). I didn't expect to hear from her again so figured I'd try once more. From here on I've always been the one to initiate a text. She never asked me out after a week so finally I asked her. She agreed but said she was busy on the day I suggested. She suggested another day but I was busy. She then suggested sometime the following week. After this, that evening was the most dialogue we had had over text ever. It was 3 hours long and she thanked me before going to bed.

Monday of the following week she messaged me suggesting this Thursday and I agreed so we are going out a 3rd time - 3 weeks after our last date. She suggested something we could do but also said if I didn't want to it was ok we can do whatever I want. But I thought the idea was perfect.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm extremely nervous and don't know what to do. She seemed to have a good time on our dates, she responds to my texts, and showed initiative suggesting alternate days for us to meet. At the same time, she hardly ever initiates a conversation with me over text, she turned away from my kiss and our text conversations are usually short. I know she's a busy woman and I don't think she's all that shy but maybe she is and hides it well. I just feel not confident at all going in - I can't read her

Updates

+1 y

Amy insight would be appreciated

Updates

+1 y

Well she ended up ghosting me. I knew that was a possibility but I didn't expect it from her - especially since I spent 1.5 months communicating with this girl. I felt like she did a great job of leading me on multiple times - I gave her so many opportunities to disappear and she never took them. Only now is she finally ignoring me. I feel like crap over this and am really upset. Not over the fact I got rejected - I can deal with that. I feel completely disrespected and that's the hard part

[Teddius]

Considering various elements of your posts, I'm convinced she's into you, thus your pessimistic outlook is simply uncalled for.

Let's take a closer look at the facts, shall we? She offered to drop you off to your car. She's accepted follow-up dates, she replies to your texts, she's taken the initiative to basically plan a date, and she called to wish you a happy New year.

Okay, okay, on the flip side, she turned away from your attempt to kiss her. Perhaps she has a personal rule she strictly follows about kissing on the first date. Perhaps she was... sick, as she said. Regardless, she contacted you a few days after, which is, among other things, indicative of her interest in you.

And like many women, until she's reasonably familiar with you and convinced of your intent, she simply will minimally initiate with you. She will, nonetheless, make herself accessible to you.

You're okay, man. Go with flow.

[Asker]

We went out on our third date tonight - more mixed signals. I was a nervous wreck all night. She didn't seem excited to be there with me at all from the beginning. At times we would be standing in line and have really long awkward silences and she just looked like she wasn't having a good time the entire night. But she'd always ask me what I wanted to do next, and even after 2 hours I asked how she was doing for time and she said fine - we ended up going out for almost 4 hours despite the fact she appeared disinterested. We hugged at the end, and she said she is coming back to town next Friday and wondered if I would be willing to hang out once she returns. I'll try again next week most likely - if she says yes to a 4th date I'm putting it all out there and just going for it

[Teddius]

I can only assume. So here goes: Upon greeting her, by your own admission, and I quote, "I was a nervous wreck," which remained throughout your time with her. Therefor you were very, very reserved in your behavior and in your willingness to express interest in her. Did you flirt with her a reasonable number of times, etc. on the date to give her reason to believe you were.. are.. attracted to her?

Perhaps your anxiety and nervousness discomforted her. Perhaps she, too, feels ambiguous about the date. Perhaps these are the very reasons which explains her attempts to reassure you of her interest in you when she referred to her availability and apparent willingness to see you in the near future.

I'm unaware of whether you generally suffer from anxiety or if you were just plain ole nervous. So, if you're able to, try to relax. On a date with a relative stranger, your calm likely will calm. And, your nervousness will likely unnerve.

Ask her out and take preemptive measures to relax.

[Asker]

I do have anxiety and this was the worst I've been on a date in a really long time. I already went in with doubts and basically as soon as I greeted her she seemed like she just regretted being there. I felt like she was giving me a pity date the entire night and couldn't really flurry with her. I honestly gave up halfway through realizing it was probably over. This is why I really struggle getting women...

[Asker]

*flirt not flurry

[Asker]

In thinking I maybe should thank her again for the date over text this afternoon and wish her a safe and fun trip this next week

[Teddius]

If she felt negatively about being with you, I suspect she would not have basically suggested having another date with you.

What have you done in the past to alleviate your anxiety?

[Asker]

Honestly just going into the date with no expectations/not caring too much, and practice. I'd go to date 3-5 without so much as trying to kiss a girl. But over the last year I've really practiced these things and have gotten better. What was so hard about last night was this was the first time I had seen her in 3 weeks. I already actually felt this was a pity date and then as soon as I met up I felt like those feelings were confirmed. That's what made the anxiety come back. Normally these days, I don't let it control things to this degree. I can tell you though, if she gives me a 4th date I'm not going to have any doubts or any fears - there shouldn't be any question as to her interest in me at that point. I feel like I really need to text her and thank her again because I think my behaviour towards her last night like you mentioned might have completely confused her and made her uneasy.

[Teddius]

Alright. Fill us in if goes down.

[2Good4bs]

I strongly believe that if someone really wants to be in your life they will not only jump a puddle to try to be with or around you, but will make the time and cross an ocean for you. Just my opinion though :-)

[Asker]

Thanks - I agree with this, but I can't tell if this applies to her. She always agrees to the dates and for this third one actively tried to find a day and an activity that worked for us. But it's everything else that she has done (or not done) that makes me have doubt. If she didn't like me why would she say yes or even text me after new years when I was clearly done with it and moving on. But if she did like me, why does she never try talking to me through her own initiative

[2Good4bs]

I think if she really... REALLY liked you and thought there was a spark she would contact you all the live long day. She might doubt because of the lack of chemistry, she could also be talking with other men via dating site. Your not her only option, she is either really really busy like you suggested or playing out her options. I'm a female and if I liked someone it wouldn't matter how busy I was. If you enjoy being around someone you are going to make time for that person regardless. Famous quote: Busy is just an excuse.

[2Good4bs]

Actually I just came up with that quote from the top of my head lol. Thought it was good. 😊

[Asker]

We went out on our third date tonight - more mixed signals. I was a nervous wreck all night. She didn't seem excited to be there with me at all from the beginning. At times we would be standing in line and have really long awkward silences and she just looked like she wasn't having a good time the entire night. But she'd always ask me what I wanted to do next, and even after 2 hours I asked how she was doing for time and she said fine - we ended up going out for almost 4 hours despite the fact she appeared disinterested. We hugged at the end, and she said she is coming back to town next Friday and wondered if I would be willing to hang out once she returns. I'll try again next week most likely - if she says yes to a 4th date I'm putting it all out there and just going for it