Is it OK to kiss her again?

[Anonymous]

There's this girl that I've been friends with for quite some time. We flirt and hang out and cuddle. She knows I like her and would like to date her, I've told her. She is always saying she's not ready for a relationship right now though. While over at her place cuddling, I tried to kiss her and she shot me down...three times (three different occasions). Thing is they weren't the typical shoot down. I could tell she wanted to but and she's told me she wanted to but we work together and she's afraid it would be weird. Also she didn't do it because I asked if I could kiss her first. She said that if I had just done it, she would have gone with it.

The other day we went out ended up back at my place. It was late so she decided to just to spend the night and sleep on my couch. I gave her some blankets and headed to bed. 20 minutes later she comes and sits on my bed and says to me, "I'm not tired anymore" and gives me a shy little smile. I sit up from my bed and I kiss her. We made out and it started getting hot and heavy. As we are kissing she looks at me and says, "You know I'm just using you.” I didn’t say anything, just kept kissing her.

Then she started to get a little freaked out and sliding closer to the edge of the bed, saying we shouldn't do this because it would be weird at work. I assured her it was OK, we’re friends and it would be alright. Well after a few unsure kisses she gets up and runs back to the couch. I follow her and ask if she's OK, she says she OK and I tell her good night and I head back to my room. As I'm walking away she says "really?" So I turn around, kiss her and pull her back to my room where things start getting hot again.

Then out of the blue again she gets a little freaked and starts saying things are going to be weird again. I let her know that we are pretty much passed the point of things being weird if they are going to be. She disagreed and she starts getting dressed and says she should leave.

I let her know that everything would be OK. I asked her to stay several times. As she was leaving she said that I would get attached if we did anything and it wasn't a good idea. I then asked her if she was really just using me and she said yes, and left.

Well at work, we acted like nothing happened. We are still good friends and all is well.

A few days later, she's feeling very sleepy and asks if she can come to my place and sleep together (actually sleep), I told her that I had class. She was sad she wasn't able to. This seemed a bit odd to me.

Then the other day she says she bought some lingerie from Victoria's Secret. She links me a pic from the site and says its “bootyful” I told her that I can imagine, and she says “You don’t have to imagine, I can show you”

So my question is, If I hang with her again, how should I act with her? She seems like she wants to try again. It seems like I’ll be starting over again though. Can I hold her? Kiss her? She’s really not making this easy lol.

[sonic241928]

She's not making it easy because she knows she has you hooked :) Girls are often so much better at "playing the game" than guys are. They know that mixed signals drive a person crazy...and if you're already attracted to them, you can easily become addicted that way. Psychologically, you want to resolve the conflict (and solve the puzzle) and your mind won't let you rest until you do.

You can do either one of two things: play the same game, or be direct and straightforward. By playing the game as well, it shows her that she doesn't have the upper hand and can't "control" your emotions, and hopefully she'll start acting honest. It also allows you to have fun with the situation and be flirtatious at the same time. You could do that by showing self control: letting her think you'll make a move, and then not doing it (e.g., in the middle of kissing, say you're too tired, or you've done some thinking and she's right...it would be troublesome at work). Then you can come back later and make your move unexpectedly (yet, respectfully and at an appropriate time and place). That should really mess with her mind :)

Or you can just be direct and tell her you need to know what she wants out of this "thing" you two have going, and you can't spend all this time grinding your wheels and not going anywhere. It would communicate the fact that she needs to decide NOW if she wants you.

I can't predict with precision how she'll react, but hopefully one of these two strategies will shortchange her "game." The only thing is, don't let her drag out that game much longer, for the sake of your own dignity and of her attraction to you. Best of luck.

[toulouse]

If he is direct with her & her she ha s no power over him. If he plays a hame she has control in that he an t just be straightforward. Man.. she sounds EXACTLY like this guy I used to-idk with. I am a direct person and I don't like to waste time with emotional things because they are complicated to start with and it can end up really cruel and time consuming. I didn't realize there were moves like that -step by step.. Well, I should've known ... He was an amazing chess player :)

[toulouse]

Oh boy typo. OK I was saying its better to just forgo the game playing all together. She's proved she can play& its annoying me- not the point lol. He knows she can play games, but he doesn't know if she is actually a real person underneath who really likes him. If he is straightforward she does not have control over his emotions. Personally I don't think she deserves him& I think he's been too nice. But that's his decision. Go the direct route- if there is no heart- you don't waste your time :)

[sonic241928]

Good call, toulouse. But now that the ball's in his court and not in her hands (hehe) he can choose however he wants to proceed. Thanks, QA, for best answer!

[tetula]

i will advise you not to date her cos she doesn't really need you as a lover but ratter just to satisfy herself

[Danni23]

eh... I'm gunna go ahead and say she def is confused and most likely does like you as a friend. however, that being said I really think she just likes to use you for attention and self esteem.. you need to really ask her what is going on most likely she will say I don't know. in which case you should just let her go.. or don't kiss her anymore.

[bostogirl]

i would say to stay away it don't sound like she knows what she wants but it sounds like she likes the attention . every girl can go to that place where you don't really like a guy but just mess with his head it makes you feel good about yourself. if your looking for a serious relationship I would say don't stay with her

[loverorbestfriend]

I was going to give you my 2 cents worth but then I didn't want to read this essay (or is it a thesis?) that you have written...try to be more concise next time...geez...

[skadoosh95]

forget her. she's only using you and that's all she's gonna do