Men who look at other women - I need help understanding.....

Question

I've read a million questions and answers on this topic but I need answers more specifically tailored to my scenario.

My fiance took me up to Cape Cod to propose to me. One night, we were about to exit our hotel room (he was in the hallway while I was headed out)--and I watched his eyes follow something up and down. When I came out, I realized he was gawking (mouth open) at another woman's butt (he admitted to this.) Not even three hours later, he proposed to me. That is the start of this whole mess.

Since then, I always catch him looking at women. He doesn't exactly seem to stare, but it's hard for me to tell how long he's been looking. We've talked about this and he's tried to explain to me that it isn't sexual and that it is the same thing if he were to notice a fat person, or a deformity, or an attractive man or woman. He says it's all the same to him. ...which I don't believe at all. If he were simply noticing a woman was attractive, I wouldn't care. But I always catch him looking at her butt or her breasts...and when I try to be tricky and ask him later on what he thought of what he saw, he always says he liked it. So he's obviously doing this on purpose and thinking about it...right?

It's giving me very low self esteem and our relationship has slowly been deteriorating because of this. I'm very sensitive and watching him look at another woman, especially the night he decides to propose...it's just really taking it's toll on me. I don't do it to him, honestly..and I feel I deserve the same level of respect.

But I am arguing with myself because I've read a million times that it is just something a man can't help. But how? If a man really, truly loves a woman and thinks she's beautiful...then how can he not help looking at other women? And why would he want to?

I'm very open minded when it comes to sex, and I have and will try anything. My fiance knows this and I know he is definitely not bored of our sex life. So what is the reasoning for this?

When I try to ask him...his answers never make sense and always seem to conflict each other. I know I'm attractive to some degree..I've done a bit of modeling, and I'm in great shape with large breasts..(Sorry if that sounds arrogant) but I just keep wondering why I'm not good enough.

And when a man looks at another woman and is in a committed relationship that has no other issues, what does it mean? And what is the thought process? Are you picturing her naked, or want to sleep with her, or imagining sleeping with her? Or is it simply just an observation?

And also, what do I do about this? I can't force him to stop, but yet it hurts me to stay with him and feel this way..so what can I do to get through this? It seems as if something so small has turned huge and I don't know what to do. It's like, I can't make him stop, but I can't make myself stop hurting over it. Is there another option?

Also- what is your take on him not only noticing a woman is attractive, but also noticing her breasts and butt?

thegroupof7 · Accepted Answer

I'm a typical (teenage) guy, I've struggled with that too. )please just read this whole thing) and I thought about it a long time in my own life. The thing, is it IS sexual. From my understanding of females you can look at a guy and think "oh, he's pretty hot". But for a guy to look at a girl he can see her face, see her figure,say "she's pretty hot!" and become to some degree sexually aroused by it. He is actually getting sexual pleasure just by what he sees. I know what that sounds like from your perspective. I'm not defending the act but I will say he really isn't doing it on purpose. When I realized what I was doing, I had to be constantly on guard, constantly focusing on something on the other side of the road, or further down the road then the girl. But even that wasn't enough. I would see the glistening body of a female jogger bouncing down the road and I would "track her" with my eyes. Even when I stopped looking at sexually charged images my mind still said, "hey, do I know that jogger?" Obviously I didn't. But after I would "track her" I would think, hey did I just glance at her face to see if I knew her? Of coarse the answer was no. I was "seeing if I knew her" but really just giving her the up-down. Believe it or not, EVERY man faces this battle. ALL of the men/young men I know who FIGHTS this battle feels the benefit of it. When a guy is FINALLY able to not look at women for sexual gratification, train his mind, train his eyes not to constantly be pleasure seeking, it feel liberating, he will feel happier. Any guy reading this will be like WHAAAAAT?!-but its true) not only that, but it changes the way a man appreciates his wife or girlfriend. The woman of interest in the mans life "becomes" INFINETLY MORE attractive.

Before you say "I do" know that the vows won't change anything. It will only stop if he has a change of heart. Honestly get the book "every mans Battle" or "Every Young mans Battle" read this WITH him, regardless of if either of you believe in God, you'll notice the change in the way he reacts with people, ESPECIALLY the way he reacts with YOU.

point is, he does it because he developed a naturality to seek out sexual things(women, sexy billboards, tv, magazines...) and receive pleasure from it. Its not intentional, he probably doesn't even know why he does it, probably pays NO attention to it. But know that he does love you and this habit can be changed.

-good luck

avatarr · Accepted Answer

As long as he isn't making prolonged stares then you have nothing to worry about. What is causing him to notice these women is human instinct. Men are biologically programmed to selectively notice these features on women. Men are instinctively programmed to notice large breasts and butts. this is because a large butt would signify a higher success rate of child birth, as the child has more space. And large breasts signify a mother that would be able to properly nourish the baby. These instincts are still in tact, and he really can't help but notice, but as you say he can make an effort to look away when he does notice.

Human consciousness and instinct are completely apart. He feels no emotional desire for these women when he notices them. I assure you human emotions, like love have evolved far beyond the point to where any random girl has any place in his mind or heart, other than you

Hope this helps!

Avatarr

moniquinha · Accepted Answer

Quite honestly I can say I totally understand how you feel. I've been married for almost 6 years, and my husband is amazing, wonderful, supportive, a great lover and provider. But does he still look at other women sometimes? Yes.

Slowly I have started to understand why, though it was difficult to accept first, it does get easier with time. There is no guy out there that doesn't check out other women, even when they are with the love of thier life. Some women will try to tell you that there are, but they are just fooling themselves. They may have a guy that pretends not to look, but in reality he does (especially when she's not around) And I understand why they feel the need to do this. As little girls we are told fairytales about finding our prince charming, who will only have eyes for his princess. It's kind of a cruel thing to do to girls, because then we have to find out the hard way later. And at first, its a huge disappointment. But believe me...if he proposed, he loves you. He honestly can't help his instinctual reflexes. We don't realize it either, but we notice attractive men all the time too. (It's not as obvious because we are not as visually oriented, and we are also taught the role of nurturer, which makes us more protective of our loved-ones feelings.).

Over time, you will learn to not obsess over it. If he is still into you, spending time with you, having sex with you, loving you...then it means nothing but noticing another woman's features. That's it. It hurts now, but you will get over that hump. If he's a wonderful person otherwise, don't hold it against him.

Droosilla · Accepted Answer

Pssssh. Even I notice a women who has an amazing butt and breasts. And hell, I'll stare for way too long HAHA. I will do the same thing with sexy men. It's not a big deal, as humans we like to appreciate beautiful things. Sure, sometimes I'll fantasize about someone I've seen, but can you really hold that against someone? Your feelings are okay, you're just a more jealous person, and probably slightly insecure, but you are being COMPLETELY irrational. Your fiance? has a wandering eye, and maybe he has been guilty of letting his mind wander to fantasies, but you are being completely irrational.

Are you also opposed to him watching p*rn? You say you're open minded about sex, but you're uptight about your fiance IMAGINING sex with other women.

Honestly, you need to change your mindset on these things. That's the only way for you to get over it, and you HAVE to get over it. It's not fair for you to want to control someone so much that they aren't even allowed to think about another person in a sexual manner (and NO, he probably isn't doing this EVERYTIME), even if you say you're not forcing him to stop, you are pretty much doing that by making such a big deal of it. If he isn't cheating on you, you should NOT be so upset. If your relationship is hurting because of this, the only person you can blame is yourself for being so childish and for making your fiance feel like he is guilty of something. If anything, you should apologize for being so ridiculous.

yeahmetoo · Accepted Answer

Is it a glance, a gawk or "the" look? There are those eye locking moments that speak volumes. Is he communicating with that sort of look? I am married and am experiencing the "look" from another man who is divorced but I know he's in a fairly committed relationship. He has eye locked with me enough to make me realize he's letting me know that if I wanted, we could hook up. I feel strongly that he is most likely doing this with any woman that strikes his fancy. So I don't feel inflated over this at all. He's handsome and probably this is his thing and what most likely lead to his divorce. I can't image his girlfriend doesn't see this. But that being said, many women chose to deny than to deal with the truth. My husband looks at pretty women here an there but never in a communicative way. I know I'm his #1 and never worry about this. But this other man,,,, if I were his girlfriend, I would be concerned. So you know the looks and the differences. You're a smart girl and can figure out if this is going beyond the normal scope of human nature. You know your relationship and there would be tell tale signs combined with the looking that would give you your answers.

TheMasculinist · Answer

You need to relax a bit. If you want to understand how men feel about women and why they look...think about Leonardo Da Vinci or other great artists who appreciate the beauty of the female form. Is it wrong or cheating to walk around a gallery of paintings and stop and look at them and appreciate sculptures for their beauty? Does appreciating one things beauty detract from another things beauty? No it doesn't. There is no reason to be jealous of the fact that he can appreciate beauty, because...he used those same eyes to appreciate you...and he chose you and is with you...and wants to marry you. Making something as small as taking a glance at another girl a big thing like you have seems like you have become obsessed with the idea that his action of just looking at something else is a detraction from you...in one excerpt you said you had just left the hotel room where he likely was all hands...did he put his hands on these other women? certainly not. he alone shows you his love through his touch, but it seems you want more...you want to contrl and dictate his mind his thoughts and his eyes...they should all be about you at all times right? its too much...no man can answer to that...if you become possessive on a controling level you will smother him...if you confront him and fight with him about little things like him just even looking at another girl--you may someday push him away so hard that he will consider cheating--and why not--thats what you are accusing him of right now, and he isnot doing anything...if you're gonna do the time...at some point...youre gonna do the crime. I hope you're understanding where I am coming from, because in truth, you do the exact same thing...n fact, you probably encouraged this action in him...you ever sit around watching a movie talking about how hot a movie star is? "Oh Channing Tatums SO muscular!" or "Patrick Swayze is hot!" or "look at his abs!" Women talk about and eye-f*** guys all the time, and they think its okay, yet when their guy does it back...suddenly there's a hypocrisy., and a beautiful load of double-standards comes pouring out. Id say just relax, stop trying to control his very eyes. Just let it go, because looking at a painting, appreciating its beauty---is NOT taking it down off the wall and bringing it home...and as long as he isn't bringing home other women or cheating on you...you have nothing to be upset about. Eyecandy will always be out there for both sexes...to say you don't look is just delusional or lying. everybody looks. just don't look and then go over and talk to them..because that is going to far. he isn't going over and talking to them...which shows he respects what you and he have..its not like he is running around buying rings and proposing to all those other hotties. and yeah...i saw your picture, you're super hot...cant believe I'm even having this conversation with a woman of you're extreme calibur of beauty. chill out. he's all yours.

MandMandM · Answer

Part 1

> he was gawking at another woman's butt

Female bodies and particular parts of them often stimulate dopamine production in hetero men. This is built in, doesn’t need to be taught, and can not be unlearned. As a completely innocent child playing doctor with the girl next door, I’d get hard when I saw inside her pants despite us both being pre-adolescent with no sexual education or awareness (we are talking age 6-7 sort of thing). I knew looking made me feel good, she was happy and no-one was getting hurt.

With age as awareness grows and girls get curvy, the mere suggestion of cleavage, bum, shapely legs etc gives the same sort of reward, all be it not often leading to full sexual arousal.

Dopamine causes feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. Men like that feeling so keep repeating the actions that stimulate it, one example is gawking at female bodies. Another (shared by some women) is eating when not hungry (regardless of the rational bad health consequences of over eating).

Looking at a girl (provided it doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable) gives a guy a pleasant experience. Doesn’t mean he thinks anything deeper or more sexual about her, or mean anything isn’t right about his partner or the rest of their lives. It is fun to have fun that doesn’t seem to harm another, so dopamine addiction keeps guys doing it.

Women use the effect to attract men by displaying or making prominent those body parts that give guys that rush, or “make them look” to put it another way. Women really like male attention. For more extreme cases, there is a whole surgical industry about women wanting to be even more attractive to men by reshaping their bodies.

> (mouth open)

Mouth open shows the dopamine desire and reward are so strong that it temporarily overwhelms the urge to wear a “normal expression”. Have you noticed the same temporary suspension of any concern about facial expression in men during sex?

> (he admitted to this.)

This implies that you think this is something he shouldn’t do, or want to do. Do you need control of all aspects of his conscious and unconscious thinking? If so you are destined for permanent disappointment. It is never going to happen with anyone.

> Since then, I always catch him looking at women.

Again “catch” implies what he is doing is wrong. He’s still with you. He still cares about you and only you (he proposed). They are simply innocent eye candy.

> it's hard for me to tell how long he's been looking.

Why do you care? You have nothing to be concerned about. He proposed to you. It doesn’t get more committed than that.

> If he were simply noticing a woman was attractive, I wouldn't care.

I don’t think this is true. You probably would from your depth of feeling about this.

thatoneguy5001 · Answer

You have to understand, this is not necessarily a bad thing, even though it may seem like it. Men are hard wired to be visual in a way that notices certain types of movements. Bouncing breasts and swishy walks are two of those types of movements. I (very, very straight man) have caught myself looking at a mans ass before (MULTIPLE occasions) because he had that way of walking. Embarrassing, to say the least.

In short, it has nothing to do with how "good" you are. He notices because noticing things like that is a survival instinct for men. It's no different than how women have better color vision on average - during our hunter-gatherer days, women had to be able to tell which red berry was really tasty and which one would kill you if you ate it. It's no different than how men can handle 3D mapping in their heads better, on average, than women - a hunter does a much better job of hunting when he can figure out the strategic and tactical advantages the terrain gives him.

Love has nothing to do with it. If you try to make him deny that instinct, one of two things will happen - he'll succeed, and wind up so tightly wound up from constantly and at all times making the effort to keep that portion of his brain disconnected, that he'll be a totally different person, or he'll fail, and you'll be pissed. About the most tenable middle ground is to ask him, not to stop, but to RESTRAIN himself from rubbernecking. Which is fair. The glance is the part that is hardwired, not the twist of the neck or drop of the jaw. So go ahead and ask him to do that much, because that is fair.

As you might imagine, there isn't really a thought process associated with this - no nudity picture, no nothing really. There's an old joke about a guy on the beach looking at the girls, and saying something to the effect of "Nice scenery". That joke is overused, but it's got a kernel of truth to it. If you open your eyes to a beautiful sunset, you can't help but admire certain aspects of it - light shining through the trees, the play of the light through the clouds culminating in shades of amber and lavender across the horizon - so on and so forth. That is, quite literally, how we see a nice ass or a good set of boobs. It can't really be helped. Take it as a sign that your man is virile, and stop obsessing over it.

Hope this helps.

smokeadmiral · Answer

he's going to marry you darlin. he's doing this because he loves you. just because we (men) are with other women or married doesn't mean that we're removed from the act of looking at attractive women. I'm sure as well and even caught many that women look at attractive guys even when they're with someone. Just because I look at and admire a beautiful woman doesn't mean that I want to leave my girl and hop into bed with the other woman. It's an instinct that both sex have and to see an attractive person and admire them doesn't make them less committed to you as a boyfriend or husband. It's got totally NOTHING to do with you being good enough or attractive enough. Truth known you are more than likely looked at and admired yourself without knowing it. In face if that is your photo on your profile...I GUARANTEE you're being checked out daily. When I look at your picture admire your beauty, your tattoo work, your eyes, your lips and the mystery in your eyes. I find you totally beautiful and very attractive. Would I sleep with you? yes I would without a doubt based on your looks I would. That is I would if I were not committed to someone currently. Being with someone that I care about and committed to keeps me faithful to only her because she's amazing and beautiful and one of a kind. I'm sure you are as well. But see...it doesn't mean that I don't look at you and think about how beautiful and sexy you are. I can do that but know that my girl is where my commitment lies. The same I'm sure your boyfriend feels. Additionally, "MAKE HIM STOP"?  really? I think you're taking this way to personal and way to much at heart...relax and try and know that its not about how you look or don't look. It's the drive that were created with both man and woman. Just because we say "I do" doesn't mean we become non-human. Becareful, because you don't want him to feel so controlled that you're watching his every move when you're out because you'll call him on looking or think he's looking. I've been down that road as well and I've moved on from that type of relationship. Good luck.

MrMysteryMan · Answer

Well, from my perspective, when a guy really loves someone and is about to ask them to marry them, he's got nothing, and I mean NOTHING else on his mind.  He's nervous as hell, and has blinders on to the situation at hand, will I f*ck up asking her and will she say no.  I don't know this guy or his personality, but sounds like he already new what your answer would be or that he could ask you anytime he wanted and you would say yes to it.  Also, if he knows this, then he wasn't worried about you loving him, no matter what he does.  But, he on a subconscious level, knows that if he looses you or hurts you, it won't be good for him or else he wouldn't lie about what he does.  He probably does love you, just love women in general.  But, always bringing it up and hounding him about what he does and obsessing about it will drive him away because then you're getting annoying (sorry, came out harsh), but that's the truth.  It starts to make you look like you don't have self-confidence and that's not a turn on to anyone.  Especially if the person has a lot of self-confidence.  You have to tell him how it made you feel that night.  Like it made you feel like you weren't important to him and that's why you have self doubt about when he's always looking at other women.  Has he shown that he is liking other women or if he get's close to other women, then that's another issue and shows he isn't into you and wants to maybe pursue others.  But, if he still treats you like you're the most important person in his world (and you now how he does this better than anyone), then it's probably just he likes to look at women and admire the female body.  There isn't just 1 hot girl in the world you know.  Especially how women dress now a-days.   It's hard for a guy to keep his head in one spot all the time.  You're wearing sweats and a t-shirt and then a stunner comes by in heels, mini, tight jeans, cleavage all over, etc.  What do you expect?  As long as he's not straining his neck holding your hand.  That's just disrespect.  Just talk to him seriously, without accusations and see where his head's at.

MandMandM · Answer

Part 3:

> his answers never make sense and always seem to conflict each other.

He may not be aware of his own drivers.

> I know I'm attractive to some degree..I've done a bit of modeling, and I'm in great shape with large breasts.(Sorry if that sounds arrogant) but I just keep wondering why I'm not good enough.

It isn’t about you. It’s part of him that neither of you can completely consciously permanently inhibit. You have everything he seeks in a life partner as his actions demonstrate. Why isn't this enough for you?

> And when a man looks at another woman and is in a committed relationship that has no other issues, what does it mean?

He likes dopamine.

> And what is the thought process?

There isn’t one necessarily.

> Are you picturing her naked, or want to sleep with her, or imagining sleeping with her? Or is it simply just an observation?

Usually the later without any conscious thought at all. Very rarely any of the others. It would be difficult to invoke any of the others without staring at parts of someone to a degree that would make that person feel uncomfortable. When the conscious brain is engaged, usually consideration of the other person inhibits gawping.

> And also, what do I do about this?

You have to change your goal of total control, or be permanently miserable about holding a goal that is impossible to satisfy.

> I can't force him to stop,

You can’t even persuade him to stop, even if he were willing to have all aspects of his life controlled by someone else. He has no conscious control over this.

> but yet it hurts me to stay with him and feel this way

As above, you need to change and get comfortable with this, or pick a new lifestyle. Something that may help is thinking about how although he keeps a roving eye, from the entire universe of women it is you that he has asked to marry him. Could he do anything more affirming for you than offer to spend his life with you?

> Also- what is your take on him not only noticing a woman is attractive, but also noticing her breasts and butt?

He seems like a standard hetero male. It means nothing.

I look all the time. I never cheat.

MandMandM · Answer

> But I always catch him looking at her butt or her breasts

These parts are nice. They cause the rush. We are addicted to the rush. It is never going to change. It means absolutely nothing more that we like the chemical hit, so we will subconsciously look for more of it whenever the opportunity presents its self.

> ...and when I try to be tricky and ask him later on what he thought of what he saw, he always says he liked it.

If you play games, you should not be surprised at consequences that are negative for you.

> So he's obviously doing this on purpose and thinking about it...right?

No. He wouldn’t give her a second conscious thought if you didn’t ask him about her. Your actions are making him actually give head space to these women, which is what you really don’t want.

> I don't do it

You may not be aware of it, but research shows that most women do. And yes, you also objectify and disintegrate like we do. You must have heard women talking about the great legs and butt on a tennis player, or pop star, even if you have never done this yourself.

> to him

He isn’t doing it to you. He is doing it for him with no thought as to your adequacy or otherwise. You are assuming that all of his thoughts have some you content. Sorry, they don’t and won’t. If you need this level of monomania you are going to be disappointed.

> I feel I deserve the same level of respect.

What he is doing says nothing about his respect for you at all. What you want is total control of his unconscious mind. This isn’t ever going to happen. You have to relax the goal, or be permanently unhappy.

> If a man really, truly loves a woman and thinks she's beautiful...then how can he not help looking at other women? And why would he want to?

I hope that I have explained how it works for at least some men. Check link for a fuller account of the neuro-chemistry.

Anonymous · Answer

We men always get accused of not understanding women and not taking the time or trouble to try to understand what makes a woman tick.

This is a 2 way street and you need to cast your own insecurities aside for a moment and understand what makes a man tick

Men and women's brains are wired differently.

Neither men or women can help or have anything to do with why they are attracted to another person. The big difference is in the way that the attraction occurs.

With men, initial attraction is nearly always a physical thing. With women it is different. It also depends on what we are looking for. None of us have any control over this. If you as a woman are looking for the ultimate long term relationship (and you may not necessarily even know this even if you think you do!) then you will look for different qualities and react in a totally different way than if you are just looking to get laid.

Just because a man is physically attracted to someone doesn't mean that he will do anything about it. Again it depends on what he is looking for in his relationship with you.

Lets try and put this bluntly and no I am not sexist

Men's natural role is to get out there and sew as much seed as they can. The more mates they have the better the chance of them spreading their DNA - the ultimate goal, to make their genes the strongest strain out there for survival

Women's natural role is to produce, nurture and educate the next generation

So a man will naturally look for many mates as possible and he's in there seed sown and off to the next.

A woman on the other hand will be more selective about the men she allows to mate with her and will look for someone who will stick around and help to protect her and her young while she is in a not so capable state

Understand this and the basic reasons as to why this is so. Put aside all the social taboos and mind sets for this is the real world. Not a false set of moral standards created by the rulers ( both political and religious) since time began.

I do hope that you have not accepted his proposal yet. Before you do you need to first set aside your insecurity and the pair of you have a good old fashioned talk. You and only You can tell if it is worth you going forward but to do that you first need to understand and be able to trust him. Then and only then you need to examine your own issues. Only if you can set all these things aside should you answer his ultimate question

The only other advice is to follow your natural instinct and not your heart, your morals, other peoples advice etc. If your head is still worried then you (forget him) are not ready for this move and you should at least wait or move on. The right person for you is out there somewhere

Erik_Andersson · Answer

Like others have said, evolution has made it so that men have a stronger sex drive, and are faster aroused by visual stimuli. This is because the men who had a strong instinct to have sex with many women were the ones who spread their genes the most.

I read a study about life in the Stone Age that said that it is possible the normal household was a harem, with the strongest man in the valley taking most of the women.

Women, by contrast, can only have a few children in their lives, so they developed the instinct to be careful and wait for the best possible man, with good genes, who would also stay and provide for their offspring. That is also why women get angry at other women who sleep around: they take away the one means women instinctively used to catch a man, the "cost" for sex.

HOWEVER. Your boyfriend is a thinking creature and he should not go gawking at other women when he is with you. It is rude to you. It is embarrassing if people notice. Not all guys do this.

If he can't understand that, then he is stupid.

Brando · Answer

To be completely honest, he's going to look at other women. I can explain a guy's thought process, but it still might not be clear. When he looks at these girls, it doesn't mean anything. For his whole life, his brain has said "look at that". So now that he's engaged to YOU doesn't automatically change his behavior. He's going to see these women, just like you are going to see men out and about. Unless he acts on some hidden urge or has detailed fantasies about other women, then it's completely normal.

I was out this past weekend, and the first thing I noticed a lot was that it seemed like every girl I saw was with a guy. But then I started noticing that a lot were still looking at me. I don't mean glancing, I mean looking and looking back a few times.

So I don't think you need to be driving yourself crazy over this. I assume you all have already talked about this? Did he say basically what I said, that it's not really something he thinks about, he just looks? Next time you see him doing something like this, tease him and crack some jokes on him for it. Maybe if he knows that you notice, he will start to become more conscious about it.

JackieTreehorn · Answer

Okay, well, let's see. If he were t do this OCCASIONALLY, that'd be perfectly naturally. Just a quick glance at an attractive person would do no harm. Just as he should be open with you taking the occasionally look once in a while at a particularly attractive man; there's no harm in that. Now, what you're describing is different. It sounds like he's doing this frequently, meaning it's gone beyond the occasional glance. This means one of 3 things:
1.) He doesn't respect you for sh*t
2.) He feels pressured that in being in a committed relationship, he's never feel "like a man" again, like a free bachelor, and so instead of cheating on his spouse, he rationalizes that it's okay to simply look at women.
3.) He has a psychological issue in general.

So, looking at those options, pick which one you think it is. If he doesn't respect you for sh*t, dump him. If it's 1 or 2, talk to him about it, and maybe convince him to get counseling for it. Now, I know what you're thinking, to most men the mere mention of "counseling" is a death sentence, but hear me out. Try to coax him into, tell him it's bonding as a couple to be even closer, not a session for yelling at each other. I think he should appreciate that just fine.

TheGodEmperorLeto · Answer

Butts and Breasts have been something guys always look at. It's been something ingrained into us genetically and its because of evolution. Cause it's something that was generally done before we had much in terms of culture to get the attraction of a mate. That's why women have breasts in the first place. The size themselves offer no evolutionary advantage. In fact, larger ones can lead to many evolutionary disadvantages. But, they have one that was big enough (heh) to overcome the shortfalls of causing other problems, and that's they attracted mates.

He might not actually be interested in them sexually since we humans have somewhat evolved beyond that, but it's still a part of us and draws our attention. I mean, are you telling me you NEVER look at another guy's ass, abs, arms, whatever it is that attracts you physically? If so, you're rare. If not, you're a hypocrite.

And I truly love whoever I'm with, but I will notice other girls. I don't stare or really look much or care, but it's not like I don't.

Basically, don't fret it. It doesn't mean anything depending on how much he does it. If he's constantly staring and even ignoring you cause of others, that's a problem. If he's just noticing and then not really giving them a second look, you're fine. It's just how we men are cause of evolution.

Reiki_Z · Answer

people are just naturally curious and tend to look at other people

i wouldn't let it get to you if this guy is the guy you plan on spending the rest of your life with him

cause I don't think it would stop afterward

people like to give other people positive attention and I know if your good at not looking at people you stay neutral and don't say things but he's just spreading love and admiring from afar

id sugest you should do the same thing as well just be positive and admire from a afar

not in spite of him

but just cause making others feel good can make you feel good

obviously your good enough if he wants to marry you

he just means that he likes to spread love in a subtle way you could do the same and he shouldn't care its simply admiration

you can just not care about him looking at other men and women

you should just do the same thing and not worry cause he's with you and there's no need to be insecure

and id say attraction is in the whole body and persona

so its natural for those to be included

you shouldn't hurt

you must have repressed memories or insecurities that stem from the past

you have to let your insecurities go

i mean he did tell you he wants to spend the rest of his life with you

id be happy for just that, you blowing something like this into a bigger thing then it really is

your older then that and not in grade school anymore to be jealous about saying some one has a sexy body

you should be confident your beautiful and id say control your feelings your mind lets them out

when you don't need it

ShishKabob · Answer

Ladies, please, just take this without trying to justify it: THERE IS AN UNCONSCIOUS REACTION TO FEMALE BODY PARTS. That being said, there is a difference between a glance and gawking. It may be different for different guys, but the difference between unconscious and conscious for me is about a second. I feel it is a gentleman's duty to keep this to the most extreme minimum as it is very disrespectful to whoever you're with, but no matter how hard I try it is going to happen.

I'll use myself as an example. Let's say I'm talking to a woman at a formal event, where it's not uncommon to wear a dress accentuating the bosom. This woman can be completely unattractive in my eyes. Let's say 30 years older than me and extremely overweight and unkept. But if she has large breasts exposed, I know what's going to happen. So in my head, I keep myself aware of what not to do. This means not listening to whatever she is saying, because if for one second I forget not to look down, the corner of my eye will catch the twins and will focus in for a better look. Well, without exception, eventually I'm going to become engrossed in the conversation and my etiquette just completely falls asleep at the wheel.

virgininla · Answer

Simple answer. Men are biologically wired to check out women. It doesn't mean ANYTHING. Absolutely and utterly nothing. Don't worry about it at all. This has NOTHING to do with how attractive he considers you. He shouldn't gawk with his mouth open with you, but you really have to understand that if a guy checks out another girl, he is simply noticing her, it doesn't mean that he is disrespecting you or wants to run away with the other girl. He is NOT doing it because he doesn't love you or consider you attractive. He does, it sounds like he loves you very much.

Women read romance novels and fantasize about men in these novels. Does this mean that they are going to dump their boyfriend or husband? In the vast majority of cases no. What you have to understand is just like women get aroused by reading romance novels, men get aroused simply by looking at women. We don't need a plot and a story. And just because we notice someone, that does not mean we are going to run away with them by a long shot.

Littletad · Answer

I do think it's wrong, to do it constantly and yet to defend it. However logical, he still knows it hurts you. Yet he still does it. That's the main point here. Regardless what a man says, staring at another woman CAN be stopped. It's almost impossible to stop an impulse glance, that can last for a second though. That is true. But to systematically look at the butt and breast, there is a thought process involved. This can be stopped, and it seems he can't control himself.

Is it worth breaking up over? Yes and no. No because if he hasn't cheated and remained faithful to you, then it's obvious that it's something you have to reason with. He must be open to try and control his staring as well. Yes because you don't know if it's something of a precursor. I look at your photo, and I think, "Gosh, I think any guy would want to gawk at you instead". Yet this man doesn't seem satisfied enough. Would he someday seek out someone younger or just as attractive? That decision can be better answered by you. But the main point, like I said, is that he does this continually even though he knows it hurts you. I've never had an issue with staring, and I knew it would upset her. So I know full well that learning to control yourself is possible.

enijah · Answer

Sigh I guess you couldn't understand if you wanted but I'ma try to explain

We honestly can't help it we will always notice a attractive girl and check her out even in a relationship sorry that's just how it is. We look which is fine so it's not a problem as long as we don't cheat think of it like this let's say you are watching a movie and you see the actor and you are like he's gorgeous and you watch a few explict scenes is that wrong?

We can love a women and look at others like I said it's the way it is and he may not want to most times we can't help it

Reasoning is because the other girl looks good even if we are with you no denying that girl is nice looking.

You are good enough or he wouldn't be with you it's just a way of life.

It means he recognizes that other girls beauty and his thought process is she's hot. some picture her naked but like I mentioned earlier it's like watching an explict movie nothing wrong there.

Ok look you can't stop him and if he wanted he couldn't it's life and all men do it some are just discreet the only things you can do is leave him (terrible choice because he didn't have infedelity) or just ignore/get over it and just realize he's helpless about this.

Lastly noticing her breasts and butt is a part of what makes women attractive I just think you shouldn't worry about it and notice when you do it to and just be light hearted I wouldn't make him explain it much and not make him feel bad about it just think you'd rather have him look then have.

Hope this helped :)

newpeace · Answer

Okay. There is nothing wrong with you feeling like this. His behavior is disrespectful and insensitive. Men all notice attractive woman, but they can also choose to look away, and certainly if they do check them out, make it discrete. This does not sound like what your fiancé is doing. Now to be honest with you, I had a similar problem with my boyfriend and then fiancé. I am a beautiful woman, by most people's standards, and yet when I saw him checking out other woman, it really effected me too. To be honest, my fiancé had a change of heart by becoming a Christian. Over time, his attitude, and his behavior changed. Unless your fiancé understands this is a real problem and changes it, you are in for a life of pain and disappointment. His behavior will continue to hurt you, embarrass and humiliate you. Now, you, like many other woman, may pretend to accept this behavior and make excuses, laugh about it, and even do like wise. But underneath the laughing, is just a bunch of people who have given up finding a man that respects them, and has self control. To me, it was big enough for me to break up with him and choose to wait for a better man. Thankfully, that man did finally come.

sikoo31 · Answer

hmm, well I see a bigger issue than him looking at other girls here.

you don't trust him, or at least that's what it sounds like to me.

and there isn't an easy way to say this but if you don't trust him, you shouldn't be with him at all.

as for him looking at other women, that's just your own insecurity.

it is literally, impossible to just not look at other women just lie that, its a proses, he has to try to stop and slowly get there.

ever since I've been with my girl, I've tried to stop looking at other girls but its pretty hard, and she understands.

in the end, she told me she didn't really mind, she just said, "you can look but don't touch"

and ever since then, we've actually been talking about other people we find attractive.

but neither of us are insecure about our feelings for each other, so we don't consider other good looking people a threat. we love each other and neither of us would cheat, so it doesn't mater how attractive another person can be because we wouldn't do anything anyway.

BoobMan · Answer

To answer your last question first, I'm not sure how he's supposed to notice a woman is attractive WITHOUT noticing her breasts and butt. Those are among the parts of a woman that a straight man finds most attractive. Secondly, the thought process can vary from just appreciating the form as it is in clothes, to imagining it naked to imagining sex. For instance, earlier this morning I saw a girl at a coffee shop with incredible breasts. I admired them, as they were in her shirt, but didn't picture them naked (though I am now). It really just depends.

Third, no a man can't help noticing. It's hardwired in by evolution. Just like you can't help noticing a moving object that's coming towards you. Your ancestors that didn't notice moving object all got eaten before they got layed, right? Similarly, those who didn't notice a woman who was reproductively fit didn't pass their genes on.

BUT, the good news is HE WANTS YOU! That's why he asked you to marry him. Even in spite of the fact that it means he won't get to touch that fine, fine ass he was admiring just a few hours before, he'd rather have you! No need for you to feel bad at all.

Men who look at other women - I need help understanding.....

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