Men who look at other women - I need help understanding..... (Page 2)
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Its instinctual. Big boobs, booties, and lips are indicators that a girl is fertile, like a get me pregnant I'm a good baby oven sign (I don't mean how good they are at being parents). To an extent he really can't help it, he can try to keep better control of his eyes, but like, you really gotta put your mind to it. I'm not saying it can't be done, but yea its pretty difficult. for example if I'm with my girlfriend and just in my peripheral vision I see double Ds comin at me in like say in the mall, id have to mentally check myself and say don't look-dont look. if you catch him doing it, the fact that like whatever he's looking at are excessively big or cleavagey is a good sign.
think of it like this. high cheek bones, strong noses and eyebrows and long chiseled chins are all things girls find physically attractive, all of those featuers are indicators of higher testosterone. what makes you as a girl think a guy with those features is attractive is because you know instinctively and subconsciously that he is a good candidate for successfully getting you pregnant (that DOES NOT mean how good he is at sex, just, he'll be able to put a baby in ya')
Hey...
If he is looking at their breasts and butts, it's totally sexual. He just doesn't want to admit that because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I am very concerned about him doing this (blatantly) on the night he proposed to you. It sounds like he isn't too ready to settle down and get married if he's ogling other women, and lying to you about it. I don't care what guys may tell you. While it's normal to notice that somebody else is attractive, it's not normal to be staring and lusting after their bodies when they are spending time with you. It's disrespectful, and then to lie to you? I can tell from your picture that you are a beautiful woman, and you sound like you are intelligent and fun-loving. I would tell you to tell him how it makes you feel, and if he loved you, he would stop, but since he's denying it altogether, I don't know. I know many guys that would be thrilled to date someone like you, and they are respectful. If I were in that position, I would hold off on the wedding until you are more certain that this is the kind of guy you want.
How many guys care about the purse a woman is carrying? What non-sexual thing should he look at? Her earrings? The lobes of her ears? Is every guy out there supposed to think he's better looking than George Clooney as to not feel badly that his girlfriend might not like him?
God I am so sick of this question! Why are so many women so messed up that they think love and sex are the same thing? Do you really believe that just because a man loves you he will never even NOTICE that another women is sexually attractive? This such an insane idea. How is this even a question anyone needs to ask.
If you go by a birthday cake that looks really good, do you say, "I already have a birthday cake that I love, I won't even notice that cake is delicious."?
If you already have a nice house, do you stop noticing other houses that look pretty?
If you have a box of chocolates at home, do you stop noticing other chocolates look delicious?
For petes sake, you are not the only woman on earth, if he sees another pretty woman, he will notice it! But you know what? Of all the women on earth, he LOVES you. You are the only one he is in love with. Just remember that and GET OVER IT.
give this guy best answer. well said!
Deserves best answer.
best answer! :)
wow this is a great answer...makes so much sense
(=
if I have the best birthday cake ever, than every birthday cake I see I'm going to think "ew, that's gross, mine is so much better" if I think I have the best car ever, then I'm not going to b looking at other cars, bcause I know I have the best. If I'm inlove with my house that I think is the best house in the world, I won't be looking at other houses. All I will be thinking is how I can't wait to get back to my house.
We can't help it! Honest! D8 You can't tell me you don't try to discreetly look at men you find attractive! You can't truthfully say that...
But he really could be looking at them because he acknowledges their presence. When I notice someone is present, I check them out for a bit (not meant in a sexual way) just to get an idea of what they are about. Maybe it's just me, but I like to know who's around me at all times. When I'm in a crowd, my eyes are going EVERYWHERE, from person to person. Yea, I might look stupid, but at least I'm aware. I'm certainly not attracted to every person I look at directly.
sorry- I didn't read the details of your question. But I will answer it anyways, why men look at other women?
Women are beautiful, as humans we are attracted to beautiful things. I am a women and I appreciate other women's beauty, that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. Men do the same thing, and probally fantasize a little, but that's all it is.
It's unattractive to get insecure or jealous by another woman's beauty. You don't have to fake not being insecure, but try appreciating the way others look. That type of outlook will lead to happiness, true confidence and healthy relationships:)
I don't want to make this seem trivial, but if you had a really great pair of shoes that you loved and you've had them for years and they go with everything and they look great and they're a perfect fit, does that mean you would never look at another pair of shoes? At the same time, would you trade your favorite pair of shoes for some other pair of shoes just because they look good? I doubt it, because there's more to the relationship with your favorite shoes than just looks.
That's not a great analogy, I know, but the point is that just looking at a girl doesn't even compare to the feelings you have for someone you love. Looking at another girl doesn't diminish how much he loves you. A nice ass is just eye candy. When he looks at you he sees much more than that.
I appreciate your honesty. so ...if he loves me so much, why does he not make an effort to stop or ...i don't know.. it just seems like he doesn't care about my feelings. I mean...if something like that hurt the woman you love, what would you do?
If I knew it was hurting her feelings I would certainly try my best not to do it, but I would definitely fail a lot. It's a reflexive action. It's not really something you think about doing. It just happens. It's like the way your eye automatically moves toward a light in a dark room.
Would you feel the same way if he were just looking at pictures of pretty women? Because the feelings are basically the same. He's looking at an attractive object, nothing more.
If a guy actually feels some sort of emotional connection with a girl he'll spend a lot more time looking at her eyes and the rest of her face. If he sees her as an attractive object he'll spend more time looking at her body.
I completely agree with you -- but see, everyone notices when another person is attractive, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. If my fiance notices a woman is attractive, that doesn't bother me at all. It's when it becomes sexual- like I feel as if he's looking at her breasts or her butt, that is when it upsets me because I feel like he's thinking about sex..and not with me.
I understand what you mean, and why you would feel that way. I don't really know how to explain it in a way that would make sense. It's kind of one of those things that women just never seem to get about men. Looking at boobs or a nice butt is almost stress relieving. I've caught myself doing it several times and there really weren't any sexual fantasies going on. It was just...pleasant to look at. Like the way you would stare at a nice car or a painting. Like I said, hard to explain.
Yea. I guess I just need to accept that I'm not going to ever understand it. it just hurts my feelings so bad ..and I don't know how to make myself feel differently about it.
So then..what is your take on p*rn or like fantasizing about other women when you're pleasing yourself..? I don't mean to get personal- but the truth is, I get paranoid about him doing that as well, although he says he doesn't.
Well, the only thing that's going to change the way you feel about it is identifying what exactly it is that you're afraid of. Fear is the root of all insecurities, which is what this really is. Once you know what you're afraid of then you have to confront it.
Do you fear that he doesn't love you because he looks at other women? Do you fear that he would leave you? Cheat on you? What is it that him looking at other women makes you afraid of?
I don't really know what I'm afraid of. I'm definitely not afraid that he will leave me. I guess I'm afraid that he doesn't love me because he does it and knows it bothers me...and also, I'm afraid of him having desires and fantasies about other women. I'm not really afraid of him cheating, but I guess it does bother me a little...not nearly as much as it would seem though.
Porn is completely visual to me. I don't ever actually feel any emotions toward anyone on the screen, and in all honestly I don't think I would ever sleep with or even date a p*rn star. There is a separation between what's visually appealing and what I would actually want to be with.
So he wants to marry you, and spend the rest of his life with you, and you're afraid he doesn't love you? Haha, you know that sounds a little silly right ;).
I guess it's different for me then in the way that something cannot be visually appealing to me if it goes against my emotions. Like if I'm not comfortable with it emotionally, it is not visually appealing to me. Porn bothers me, as stupid as it may sound. I've tried in the past to be more open minded in that aspect, but I just don't like it, even with great effort (lol). It's hard for me to understand how you probably would not sleep with a p*rn star if you like to watch it. For example, if I
Saw a naked man (if I were single) and visually liked it, I'd definitely sleep with him. That to me, is like saying, "I really love the way this car looks, but I wouldn't want to ever drive it." If I saw a nice car, I'd want to drive it. So I just don't understand.
Haha, well, if you knew that the nice looking car was used up, worn out, and dirty on the inside you might not be so eager to drive it ;). But yeah, an inability to separate emotional appeal from visual appeal would definitely make it hard to understand your fiance's behavior.
I guess that's true. Thank you for your honesty, I really appreciate it. Whenever I try to talk about this with him, his answers contradict each other and he confuses the hell out of me. It's like he says what he thinks I want to hear, so he changes his answers with my mood or my comments. How can I get him to explain himself as clearly as you did? Like..how do I approach this without making him panic and bend the truth? I really appreciate how blunt you are about it.
The point is she is not a pair of shoes, and neither is the woman who is walking by. A man or woman can see and admire a persons attractive qualities respectfully without it being sleazy. It "feels"good is not an excuse for bad behavior.
Well, if he his just trying to tell you want you want to hear it's probably because he's afraid of the negative reaction you'll have if you don't like the truth. You have to find a way to reassure him that you won't react negatively, and then you have to follow through on that no matter what.
Of course, it could just be that he's not able to articulate it, or that he doesn't understand it fully himself.
@newpeace
"It "feels"good is not an excuse for bad behavior."
You're correct about that, but that's not the excuse really. The excuse is that it's reflexive.
I could just as easily define women's seemingly reflexive need to over think everything a man does as a bad behavior, given how much grief it causes men. But no matter how widely accepted that definition was, it would not stop them from doing it.
i have this exact same problem.. I get upset at thinking about him admiring other women or looking at p*rn or fantasising about other women... that's actually how I found this question. everyone says get over it but I cant.. this has helped me a little though, so I appreciate this little back and forth.
This is a natural reaction for most men even if they are completely satisfied with the girl they are with and find there girl to be the hottest in the world. We will still look, or at least want to. You can control it and at least make it less obvious. Maybe an innocent glance instead of gawking at some chicks but. Gawkin and obvious starring is innapropriate and disrespectful. He will p*ss some dude off inevitably if he can't be less conspicuous. However normal this may be, if your not yet secure in the relationship do not get married.
So..I should accept this? He knows his wandering eye upsets me...and the fact that he still does it is what hurts more. But like I said, I can't decide if I'm severely over reacting or if what he is doing is wrong.
If its hurtful to you, you need to figure out why it is hurtful. If you have inner insecurities of other people being better than you, that is your own issue to deal with, although he should be willing to stop doing this if it is hurtful. Relationships need compromise on both sides. He could stop looking at other girls when he is around you and you could make sure that you don't resent him for your own issues from before he even knew you. Maybe premariage counseling to get communication flowing
Thank you, I really appreciate your honesty.
Why is it that he does this on impulse..and I don't? Like...is this really something men just do instinctively without thought? Because truthfully, I don't look at other mens' crotches or asses. Like I said, if he noticed a woman was attractive, I don't care. What bothers me is him looking at her breasts and her butt..to me, it's one thing to notice beauty, but it's another to think of someone else in a sexual way like that. That is what really bothers me. What is your take on this?
Also.. you said, "This is a natural reaction for most men even if they are completely satisfied with the girl they are with and find there girl to be the hottest in the world. We will still look, or at least want to." What I don't understand is why a man would want to look if he felt he had the hottest girl in the world? Like, wouldn't everyone else basically just be a downgrade? I'm sorry if I'm hounding you, but I really appreciate your wisdom.
Wisdom, come on I'm flattered. I can only tell you from a guys point of view, because that's all I know. The female body is sexy and beautiful, and a turn on. This has a very powerful effect on men, and when we completely love and adore the girl were with, it doesn't make anyone else any less attractive. It doesn't matter if they are a downgrade, there is still beauty that can be appreciated. I do not understand it myself, and I will never cheat on my wife, but even when I first met her and was >
Completely infatuated, I could still be turned on by another girl. The commitment comes from the fact that you will remain loyal and not even play with the idea of being sexual with anyone other than your wife. I'm lucky because my wife is very bi-curious, so she understands this. I was at a restaurant with her the other night, when we left she looked at me and said "I couldn't stop looking at that girls boobs" I laughed at her honesty, but know that she wants to be with me, not the waitress.
The point is, some things can be pleasing to the eye without being a problem, but if it does bother you, now is the time to figure out why, and if it is something that will continue to be a problem. Obviously you are trying to figure it out, so you are on the right track. The hard part is accepting that he can look at other girls and still be commited to you, you are the most meaningfull girl in his life, he's not trying to replace that. At least that is how it is in my relationship married 6yrs
I don't know..I'm just having so much trouble accepting this. I'm hell bent in my ways, I guess. I personally, don't check other men out. I may notice someone is attractive, but it's the same way I would notice when someone is not. I guess thoughts like these never cross my mind so I don't understand why. Like..what if, this one girl he is checking out and thinks is amazing comes and approaches him? Will he want to cheat? And like I said, I wouldn't care if he simply notices she's attractive. >
But it's when it turns sexual that it bothers me. It hurts me to see him looking at another woman's breasts. I don't know..
Well if he wanted to cheat or it turned sexual that is a different story and you need to be secure enough in your relationship to know that this is not going to happen. The best thing to do is let him know exactly how it makes you feel and see if he can instill some kind of confidence with the way he responds to your concern. Also, If you were at the beach and saw a hot guy, with a six pack and toned muscular body sunbathing next to you, you wouldn't check him out?
Honestly, not really. I'd obviously notice him- but it'd be the exact same way I'd notice a woman...or a pretty dog. I guess I'm under the impression that when he looks at other women, it's not the same way I'd look at a man. He and I argued about this and he said exactly what you said, but my argument was that a person's muscles is different from a woman's breasts. If I was looking at this guy's crotch, I'd understand. But him finding another woman attractive doesn't bother me unless its sexual
lol what's funny is I do this all the time! my girlfriend checks out guys and it almost got to me one day; then I realized I check out women all the time. its not like he wants them more than you its just something we do. its like looking at fireworks not turning us on at all.
if anything I compare what I'm looking at to my girlfriend's' and she wins 9/10 so let him look.
you can't be so insecure or else this will end your relationship.
its not like he talked to her, or made out with her or even touched her. he's a man who like myself, appreciates a women's beauty and if he's with you, guess what?
...he appreciates your beauty way more than anyone else :D
Guys are different than gals. We have different needs. It is my experience that for a guy to look fulfills the similar need that gals have to chat about guys. They both form a basis for jealousy, but both are important to the health of our society. Unfortunately, guys are not permitted to object to female gossip.
I tend to look at women that I prefer not to sleep with. What I am saying, no matter how satisfied your fiancé is with you in bed, it will not satisfy his need to look. I do know men who go without looking and I see how badly this messes them up in the long run. They become kind of stunted, mentally.
it's the same reason why a married woman can look at brad pitt, ryan reynolds, or hugh jackman and think he's hot. Women are just built to flaunt their attributes better so it's easier for men to notice. It's not like a woman in love would ever say yes to brad pitt if she was with another man but it still doesn't mean that you don't find him attractive. It's the same for guys, we're built to key in on visual stimuli, so we stare cause we kinda have to. Just remember HE PROPOSED TO YOU! not the girl he watched walk down the hall.
My girlfriend and I went through something very similar to this only even worse because it was one girl specifically. It got really bad until finally we both (she led the way) realized I was still with her and loved her and any other girls are just objects. Just because he loves you doesn't mean other girls aren't sexy and we finally decided that in the end it only hurts because she allowed it. So we are going with a new trust and openness style relationship. If you love him you love him how he is... like you said you can't change him.
and as a side note, after she gave me the openess our problem has vanished and I completely an not even attracted to this other girl anymore. It was perfect.
If women were to gawk at men, their husbands/boyfriends would surely be offended. That being said, guys will be guys, and every single one of them will check out a woman in the room. The difference in in their degree of obviousness. If a man is so obvious that he's leaving a puddle of drool on his table and/or the woman of focus has noticed his staring, he needs to learn the art of subtelty.
You won't change this very basic behavior in your man, though you can ask him to tone it down. The bigger problem I see is that you don't feel confident in your relationship with him. You should feel so secure in his love and trust him so much that you don't doubt his intentions and fidelity. If you stay married to this man, and 20 years lapse, you will definitely find yourself in a room full of women who ARE sexier than you, and hotter than you...and you have to be able to feel comfortable in that scenario.
Yes, most women are better at subtely. And guys' bodies are more subtle to stare at anyway; we don't have cleavage poking out of our shirts and don't wear tight pants to show our butts. I can remember all the girls commenting on guys' butts in Italy, though, where they do wear tight pants. This is a self-esteem issue as you mention. The OP is not the most attractive girl in the world so she must know the her man loves her, because there will always be someone hotter. Fact of life.
Well I think in general men spend more time looking at women than women do looking at men. I can just think of times sitting with a Boyfriend or a guy friend and how they'd gawk at every marginally pretty girl. But a woman's just got her brain on other things (and not gawking at all the guys).
Sorry girl, it's a man's world. I understand how you feel completely, but hey, when they say it's their biology, they can't help it, etc... it's true. I know it sucks. But it's true. I blame Disney. Prince charming doesn't exist, and I hate having been told so many fairy tales when I was a kid. Otherwise I wouldn't have grown up so deluded about men.
Sigh... it sucks, but it's reality and we have to accept it. They are able to love, and that's awesome. Men are awesome, but they have their flaws. Just think of this like that, a flaw. We have flaws, maybe physical flaws, that they notice. They have this flaw. Does it take away from all their wonderful characteristics? I think not. it's a small price to pay for the treasure that men are.
So yeah. we just gotta learn how to live with it. We have our flaws too.
i didn't read most of your question because its way too long and asking way too much for a stranger to read all that.
Theres nothing wrong however with a guy noticing other attractive females.
All men are naturally gonna notice attractive women and even if your a fantastic hot girlfriend/wife its not like that instinctual wiring in our brains will shutoff. Just be happy that he's with you at the end of the day. Know that those girls are jealous and envious of you. They might even be trying to display their ass or breasts to him simply because your with him and girls always want what other girls have. (which is along the lines of, they know if he has an attractive girl like you at his side that he must be good).
Do you ever talk to other men in a very friendly way? Cause if you do I bet he would be jealous in the same exact way.
please don't take it personally, men appreciate beauty/shape where they see it. they're programmed to look, they can help HOW they look but not IF. it's entirely natural for him to be drawn to something other than what he has - doesn't mean he prefers the other women or that he wants them - he proposed to you after all. but honestly he can't help what his body and eyes are drawn to and it's a far better idea for us (as girlfriends) to accept it, not to feel personally inferior because of it - he doesn't look because you're not attractive enough. far from it, it's exciting for him but he's got you to play with later - let him look and keep him hooked.
sometimes if I've noticed my man looking elsewhere I'll mention it while we're f***ing and make sure he knows he's getting punished for his behavior - he can look but he only gets to f*** me with his body and brain - his eyes don't matter so much.
I've seem my guy look at other girls before and honestly, it doesn't bother me. It's hard not to admire an attractive person when they go by and he's only human, after all. What you need to consider is this: why does it bother you? Do you not trust him? <- If you don't that's a good reason to consider if you should be with him at all. Or does it make you feel insecure? <- If this is the reason then you need to remember that he's with you for a reason. He thinks that girl is sexy, but maybe he finds you sexier. He thinks she's sexy, but he loves you. Whatever the case, he wouldn't be with you and he certainly wouldn't have proposed to you if he didn't think you were the best.
Also, don't tell me you don't admire other men. Everyone does it. I think my guy's hot but there are plenty of other catches out there. I'd never cheat on him with any of them, but it's nice to look.
proposed for marriage? BUTT he just can't keep his eye of her ass? diam, I think you have a potential sex addict here. Since you are 100% sure he is checkin other women out proper like walkin past...girl if he does that sh*t in front of you then f**k knows what he will do when your not around! but don't get me wrong tho I don't want to be the cause for anyone's brake up, but before kids get in the way you need to be sure he doesn't have like 3 wives and 12 kids, lol. But still, I as a male wouldn't look at a girls breats or ass unless I like what I see. if what he says is true then does he check out a man's ass too, like you mention above?
That sounds more like a not-so-serious relationship. :/
The guy I'm with doesn't look at other women. I don't look at other men. It's more like a 'if you won't, then I shouldn't either' type of thing.
I also remember my parents and I going out to eat not too long ago. I've never noticed my mother or father looking at other people unless it was the waiter so they could order. I've even been to the beach and neither of them look. Neither does the man I'm with.
Yet, I see some of my friends and thier mate, and the man is gawkin' all over the place. Some even comment on other women. By the way, it doesn't last too long.
If you guys are getting married, you should be at the point where it doesn't happen.. Especially if you're as pretty as you are. If he wants to think, let him do it silently and if he knows he's hurting you, but he doesn't care, I think you should have a serious talk with him. It's really ignorant, you know?
I've been told that guys are wired to do that and there isn't any guy who doesn't look at a woman for a split second and notice if she's attractive or not. But when someone is in love with you, that split second is ONLY a split second because once he gets over that split second and looks at you, he sees the most beautiful woman in front of him and knows that he loves you more than anything. If your guy can admit this and also you can see how long he looks at other women, then he probably just is trying to figure out if he made the correct decision to propose to you. I know this sounds like he's going astray, but he proposed to you and that's a big deal. If you notice it way too often, then he's not the one. He's getting cold feet and isn't ready. Tell him that if he's not ready then it's OK. You'll wait for him to be ready to give all his attention on you.
Ok when think back to the times I've been with a girl and looked at other girls this is how I have truly felt...
When I have been with a girl for a long time, and I do like her, but I find myself sometimes checking other girls out...I think its because I have been with one girl for so long I begin to wonder. this has never led to anything mistakes though so I wouldn't worry, and your hott too
But when I've been with a girl for maybe a month and I see another hott girl walking by, I never get the urge to look at her...I almost wanna laugh at them sometimes because my girlfriend is always so much hotter! ha ha it sounds stupid but that's how it always usually begins and ends