Am I overreacting? Boyfriend can go days without talking to me? Never asks to hang out?

[lisamw22]

My boyfriend and I are both 17. We go to the same school. See each other about 20 minutes each day, an additional 40 if our schedules line up. In the beginning of the relationship which was about three months ago, he used to text and call all the time. He would ask to see me all the time. Super affectionate in public/school. Always wanted to kiss, hug, hold hands. But now since beginning of December, he started to text less. He says he's going to call me, but always ends up taking naps when he says he's going to. He can go three to four days without talking to me. He's been "busy". He has medical and home issues so I haven't hung out with him after school since December 14th. I told him how I felt like I wasn't a priority anymore. He responded with how his life's been hectic. But ever since then he's been more distant. He rarely shows me affection in school or asks to me when our scheduled line up when he used to all the time. He never asks to hang out anymore. And recently, he told me how he hates when I bring up my feelings about the relationships and how I feel neglected because he's been busy lately, doesn't want to deal with it and it shatters his confidence. I haven't talked to him since Friday when he said this. He got me a promise ring for Christmas too and he says he loves me but I really don't know what's going on anymore. Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? What should I do? My mom suggests wait for him to come to me so I stopped texting him. It's been four days, how long should I wait? I honestly just want to text him and ask him to hang out but I don't want to seem needy... Help me please.

Updates

+1 y

He was on snapchat for the first time in a month... finally opened my snapchat from December 24th... is this a sign that he's actually thinking about me or is this just because he happened to open the app and decide to clear out the snaps he hasn't opened?

[Somebodyelse2018]

It's not a good sign if he keeps pulling away since December and doesn't want to talk about it + blame you when you get 'emotional' about it. You are both only 17 and it explains that lack of emotional maturity. The thing is he should at least try to be there for you and asnwer your needs. People get busy and yes sometimes life happens, but he chose to be with you. He doesn't act like a good boyfriend; not because he has issues on his own, but because he doesn't take your needs in consideration. I can understand the anxiety you're living. I've been there and it's honestly one of the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life. I don't want to scare you, but the guy who put me through this ended up breaking up with me. You're not overreacting. I'm not saying he's going 100% to breakup with you, but should not ignore your gut feeling. I was thinking too that everything was in my head, that I was probably overreacting and I tried to minimize what I was feeling, but it almost made me crazy haha Honestly, you're only 17... There are plenty of men who can treat you better and who will value you. By acting like that, he's disrespecting you and your feelings. I agree with your mom: you should give him space and not text him because nothing you can say or do will change his mindset right now. 4 days is a long time not to talk to someone you love... I'd say give him 3 more days and if he's still not reaching out, you should strongly consider breaking up with him. I hate to advice that to people because I do think that people can overcome issues with efforts, but that's the thing: he's not willing to make efforts for you. It takes two to be in a relationship. Anyways, most importantly, don't lose yourself. When the person we love treats us like that, it's easy to think that we are not enough and that we don't deserve better, but we are so wrong. Losing him would be a hard thing, I'm not going to lie, but losing yourself is far more worst. Remember that you are valuable and lovable and if he can't see your worth, someone else will.

[lisamw22]

After giving the set time limit, or even waiting for him to contact me first, and he doesn't by the time school starts back up next week, how should I react if I see him in school? We usually see each other before first period and sit together with mutual friends. Do I just not sit with him? Or do I sit with him and act distant, or act normal? If he becomes affectionate to me if I do sit next to him, how should I react? How should I go about it if he asks why I didn't contact him? I'm sorry for asking you so many questions. I just really don't know what to do. I haven't been in this situation before. Nor have I ever dated someone in my school. I dated other guys from different schools so I never really had to consider these questions.

[Somebodyelse2018]

You should avoid him if he hasn’t reached out to you in those 7 days. Honestly, don’t chase him. Act like if you broke up with him and go into no contact. If he comes to you and asks you what’s wrong, explain to him that you don’t accept this behavior in a relationship and that you’re considering breaking up with him. If he fights for you, you choose if you want to give him a second chance. If he doesn’t even come to you, then you have your answer; he is too weak to breakup with you and you should then see the situation as a breakup. If you act like nothing happened, he’ll think that his behavior is okay and he’ll put you through it again. You deserve better

[lisamw22]

What if bringing up my concerns about this ultimately pushes him away because he told me he doesn't like it when I talk about my doubts and stuff (which I dumbly apologized for instead of sticking my ground)? Ugh

[lisamw22]

**Ugh why are men so difficult

[Somebodyelse2018]

A guy who minimize your needs and your emotions isn’t ready for a relationship. HE has to come to you to ask for explanations and if he complains about your ‘doubts and stuff’, tell him that you won’t apologize for asking for the bare minimum. Honestly, he isn’t even giving you the basics... I bet some guys you don’t even date treat you better than him. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself

[lisamw22]

Sadly, I already apologized and said "I'll work on being a better girlfriend". I'm very unconfrontational and rarely speak my mind when it comes to arguments because I'm afraid of having the other hate me... and yeah honestly, this one guy (who dated for like three days before breaking it off because he wanted me to sneak out and honestly he's rather boring) treats me better than he does. He always texts, wonders how I am and always asks to hang out and stuff. Him and I just didn't click because all we had in common was our love for Led Zeppelin while my current boyfriend and I at the time could talk about anything and everything due to our similar personalities...

[Somebodyelse2018]

By apologizing and telling him that you are not a great girlfriend, you give him all the power to treat you like shit. From now on, stop apologizing for having standards and principles. He’s ignoring you? Ignore him back. He’s taking you for granted and he doesn’t know yet what it feels like to lose you. Give him a taste of what it’s like. Say yes to that other guy who’s asking you to hangout, post a nice story of you two having fun, do things you like! He’s acting like he’s single tbh, so do the same.

[lisamw22]

Okay, I'll keep that in mind. I honestly thought me hanging out with the guy caused all of this, but I realized that even before that, he was acting this way but not as much. The last time he asked me to hang out was December 14th, then I have initiated every hang out/text since then. The last time I hung out with him was December 27th, ever since then he's been "busy". Boys are weird tbh. I just hope he snaps out of this bc I really do like him...

[btbc92]

Sweetheart, no offense, but please find a hobby and get a life. He has a life of his own that doesn't revolve around you. You sound extremely clingy. It's only 4 days. You're behaving as if it was 3 weeks or something. At the same time, this guy has issues, and he is emotionally neglecting you and is very immature. He doesn't want to talk about it? Then at this point, you need to dump him. Because he is not going to change and give him back that ring. It doesn't mean jack. Let the jerk GO. And focus on yourself and graduate HS.

[lisamw22]

How long should I wait though? Cause maybe he really is actually busy? Should I wait a couple of more days for him to contact me? We do have midterms this week? Or should I text him if he doesn't reply to me before Friday? Should I ask him to hang out on friday? I know he doesn't have any exams this week, he's a senior and has already taken all his required classes so he just has study halls throughout the day. I don't know what to doooo 'cause I don't want to lose him tbh. He's the first guy I feel like I can be myself around. I don't have to dress nice, act a certain way yada yada because my exes wanted me to be a certain way...

[btbc92]

1. How long should I wait though?
You make that decision. I cannot control your life. Do what YOU believe is right for YOU.

2. Cause maybe he really is actually busy?
Even if he is busy. He could at least send a short text hello. It's not that hard.

3. Should I wait a couple of more days for him to contact me?
Don't wait for somebody like him. He wants to pretend like you don't matter, do the same for yourself. You're in high school. You can't make somebody like him your life when he doesn't want to include you in them.

4. We do have midterms this week? Or should I text him if he doesn't reply to me before Friday?
Even if you guy have midterms, you mean to tell me he can't at less offer homework advice and talk it over about what could be on the test?

5. Should I ask him to hang out on friday?
In my opinion, I wouldn't even bother. He is not making any effort in trying to spend time with you and getting to know you more.

" I don't know what to doooo 'cause I don't want to lose him tbh. He's the first guy I feel like I can be myself around. I don't have to dress nice, act a certain way yada yada because my exes wanted me to be a certain way..." Sweetheart, listen. You are young, smart and beautiful. You shouldn't be desperate over dumb boys who don't understand what relationships are really about. Do you really think they give a damn about you? No. They don't because they are in their own little world. He may understand you, but he also takes you for granted BECAUSE he understands you and how you tick. And you don't see the subtle hints he's giving you.

[lisamw22]

I guess the reason why I'm so adamant on staying with him is because we clicked. We went through similar things and I told him a lot. And I mean a lot so I'm afraid of losing him and losing someone to confide in when things get rough. He's offered me to stay over at his house for a couple of days when my home life gets rocky and I don't have a place to stay. He helped me through a dangerous relationship when I still with my ex (my ex threatened to kill me numerous times). He helped me when I was spiraling mentally when this person who scarred me came into town. He held me as I sobbed about losing my dog I had since I was a kid and when I was first diagnosed... I trusted him a lot. I showed him my scars. I told him what happened to me when I was young. I told him what I go through when my dad gets home. He's the only one I have anymore. My friends left me because I tried to knock some sense into them that drinking and driving isn't a good idea. I just don't want to be alone I guess. And I do truly love him, I believe so. Like I said previously, he doesn't expect me to be dressed to the nines and makeup perfect all the time. I can act myself. I can be my own person. I don't have to change for him... I think that's why I don't want to lose him... I just wish I knew what's making him act like this... Maybe he really is going through a tough time and doesn't know how to handle it...

[btbc92]

It doesn't matter what he did for you. The point is your not being respected now. And if he cannot respect what you need at the moment, then you need to let him go. People change also. If he can't handle a relationship while in studying then he shouldn't be in a relationship. That applies to you to.

[lisamw22]

So I called him to which he never picked up so I messaged him asking if we are over and if we are not then why didn't he reach out to me in a week and to be truthful. And it's been an hour and a half and I'm starting to freak out a little...

[btbc92]

End the relationship PRONTO.

[dmgstarfleet]

Ever had a guy like you and he was overly attentive? Remember how it was annoying after a while and a little desperate? Girls seem to want/(demand) than guys do and have a tendency to make guys feel smothered.

[lisamw22]

To make him not feel smothered, should I just leave him alone? For a week? And how should I act if I see him in school if he doesn't respond to me? Should I just ignore him or act normal? I never have been in this situation before because I haven't had a boyfriend in the same school. My past boyfriends have went to different schools.

[Aphrodite8789]

No that is not good all of the teen guys I know that have done that were cheating.

[lisamw22]

I don't think he would to be the honest. He's been cheated on before and he says he's not like that. He even gave me access to his phone and his sister and I are close so she would tell me if something fishy was going on I would think. I just really hope he's busy. And going through a lot. I know that sounds bad but I don't want to be the reason why he's like this.

[Aphrodite8789]

Yea sure still doesn’t change the fact that it’s a possibility like I said all the guys I know that have done that we’re cheating it’s not hard to use a phone for 10 seconds to send a text

[outside_Toronto]

Wait for him to contact you

[lisamw22]

If he doesn't contact me through the phone, how should I react when I see him in school? We usually sit together in the morning, so should I not even sit with him? Or should I sit with him and just act distant, or even normal? I am so confused on what to do here. I have never been in this situation.

[outside_Toronto]

I don't know what your personality is like of course but if it were me I would be very upfront about it. I wouldn't be a jerk but I would definitely ask what the hell is going on

[lisamw22]

So I should sit with him and bring it up at some point if he doesn't decide to contact me through phone? But wouldn't bringing it up push him away even more? Should I even still be wearing the "promise ring" he got me? Aghhhh, I'm just so confused here. My mind's a mess. I've never been through this before, all my exes went to different schools so I never had to worry about seeing them until the weekend or whatever.

[outside_Toronto]

Bring it up first thing. You're not happy. Him being pushed further away is not a concern at this point

[lisamw22]

Do I straight up ask why he didn't bother to respond to me? Should I say something like "Why didn't you contact me"? Because honestly, I don't want to seem needy.

[outside_Toronto]

Yup. Exactly what to do.
His perception on this matter is the least of your concerns

[lisamw22]

And what should I do if he says he was "busy" or says "we go days without contacting I didn't think about it" (Again. He said this to me when I said I missed him when I saw him after Christmas break during school). What should I even do if he decides to contact me during this week?

[outside_Toronto]

He needs to give more detail than that.
Otherwise, that tells you you're not a priority.
What do you wanna do? You need to hear his reasoning before you decide. If "busy" is all he gives you, I think you have a decision to make

[lisamw22]

I of course want to be with him, but honestly, I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't take at least 30 seconds out of their day to just send a simple text, saying have a great day or something to make it feel like he cares or something. He says he does and he says he loves me, but I don't even know at this point.

[outside_Toronto]

Yea... actions don't match words.
He's not making you a priority. I think you'd ever be happy like this

[lisamw22]

I just ugh. I think I'm adamant on not leaving him is because I told him a lot. We went through similar things so naturally, I opened up to him about the things that happened to me so I feel as if I leave him I have nobody to talk to, which is true. I lost all my friends due to my "overbearing" personality (all I did was try to knock some sense in them that drinking and driving does not mix well). And I feel if I lose him then I'm nothing. And he helped me through a lot... I honestly don't want to believe I'm not a priority or that I'm not important to him...

[outside_Toronto]

You have to do what's right for you.
Again, hear him out first.
I think you deserve better than to be treated as second or third priority.
But if you're happy that's all that matters.
Just keep in mind when one door closes, another opens.
The right things in life will find you, but you need to let go of the wrong things first

[lisamw22]

I just really wonder what changes tbh. He used to be really loving and caring in the beginning. He used to blow up my phone with text messages, which did get a little annoying after a while but at least I knew he thought about me. Now, I don't even know anymore. He did get me a promise ring and offered me a place to stay when I get kicked out. I just hope I did nothing wrong to make him like this...

[outside_Toronto]

Dating is all about making mistakes. That's how you learn. You date lots of different people and make lots of different mistakes that way when you meet the right person in theory you've perfected your game. All too often people jump into things too fast. Their insecurities over take their sense of logic and they end up settling for something they're really not happy with.
The reality is people don't change. They definitely evolved as they get older and more experienced, but they don't change. So in this case if he's negligent of you and your feelings, it will evolve as your relationship Dynamics change but he will always be negligent in some way shape or form.
My advice to you would be not to settle. If you're not liking it now it's not going to get any better. To your point the communication has already gone downhill.
You have to trust that the right person is out there for you somewhere. That person won't find you all the time you're with this guy.
Think about it logically for a second; would you actively pursue a guy that still entangled with an ex-girlfriend or do you want someone that's free and clear?

[lisamw22]

I understand what you're getting at here, but I just can't help but wonder if there is actually something going on in his personal life that's making him act this way... and I can't help but wonder if I ultimately did something that made him go from hot to cold..

[outside_Toronto]

He may disclose that information to you he may not. Regardless you still have to make a decision that's right for you

[lisamw22]

Now, I'm even more confused. I opened up my instagram for the first time since I started to "ignore" him and he commented on one of my posts a day ago? Like what?

[lisamw22]

He's overall just weird... he rarely likes any of my photos, but he comments on them? But I think I'm just gonna ignore it. Usually I would like it and reply, but I'm just gonna pretend it's not there and lessen my presence on social media.

[outside_Toronto]

Today should answer a lot of questions for you
Lemme know what happens

[lisamw22]

Yeah, I'm slowly accepting the possiblity of breaking it off with him despite feel comfortable etc because it's clear that he's online and doesn't bother to twiddle his thumbs to send even a simple "Hey". I'm ultimately just waiting for school to pick back up again to see how he acts in person then I'll truly decide because I realized I'm not asking for much. I told him previously how I would like it if he just sent a text or two throughout the day the last time he didn't text me for three days to make it seem like he even likes me a smidge or "how important I am to him". I just really wonder what the hell happened, what the hell did I do to have him go from lovey dovey to just nothing?

[outside_Toronto]

Why is something you would know better than I. Maybe you're just different people and as your relationship evolved, he didn't feel the connection. That happens all the time.

[lisamw22]

I love it how I said earlier I was accepting the fact that I may break up with him, but now I just really want to see him and text him. I'mma try to hold and wait for him to text back or mention it when I see him Monday... I think it's because I'm become anxious with the fact that I haven't hung out with him after school since December 28th and the nurse today told me he does really like me and cares about me...

[lisamw22]

So I called him to which he never picked up so I messaged him asking if we are over and if we are not then why didn't he reach out to me in a week and to be truthful. And it's been an hour and a half and I'm starting to freak out a little...

[outside_Toronto]

Any reason he wouldn't pick up that you can think of? Like, he won't take your call?
I wouldn't be freaking out, I'd be very disappointed

[lisamw22]

Well, he didn't pick up because he was at BOCES (an alternate school program) and he would then go to sleep then wake up around 11pm-12am. He acted normal when I saw him back at school. But apparently he's thinking about breaking up with me bc we haven't hung out in a while. I know this because he told a mutual friend and the friend told me. Friend told him not. So I don't know what to do now. Bc i have been asking him to hang out for weeks and week but he says he's busy every time and I tried to see him Saturday apparently didn't get my messagss which caused a fight. Asked him today apparently the weather is bad.

[outside_Toronto]

I think you need to move on.

[lisamw22]

I don't know what to do anymore because my mom says wait it out see if he changes his mind but I know if I see him Friday I'm going to break down crying. Like I know I truly love this dude, I haven't felt this way with my exes so ugh

[outside_Toronto]

Do whatever's gonna make you happy. I'd move on.

[lisamw22]

I have snow days tomorrow and Thursday so I have two days to decide what course of action I want to take... I really wish I didn't because I would probably see how he acted tomorrow and then proceed on either just riding it out or breaking up the next day but now I only have Friday... and I was going to ask him to Hoco... And I feel like a dumbass because I gave him a letter saying how much he means to me this morning and then minutes later after the conversation happened with the friend, I sent him a love meme and he said "Love you" so like wtf?

[EDWINDUNDEE999]

Find a new guy