I met a man online and we hit it off instantly. We just click, at least I feel we do. Right from the get go he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship and he just wanted friends with benefits. Ok then, we got that out of the way. Now we have been together every weekend since. He takes me to dinner, we went and painted, he MAKES me dinner, texts me and calls me daily, he’s going to my office Christmas party with me too!!! To me, this is relationship stuff yet he just wants friends with benefits.
This past weekend we were together again and he asked if I was still online. I told him yes. He’s asked why. I said bc my end goal is a relationship. Don’t know if I want it now or with you but I want one eventually. Then he asked if I was talking to anyone. Why does it matter if we are just fwb? At this point, I’m wondering what happens next? Is he just biding his time till someone better comes along? He will just drop me like a bad habit when he’s ready for something different? I just can’t fathom, with all the time spent together, that he can not have any romantic feelings and just cut them off. What does everyone think? Does he have the feels or am I reading into it?
Can a man truly emotionally detach from a friends with benefits situation?
Okay your header title and your description tell two different stories.
Firstly, men do not get emotionally attached to a woman through sex. That’s a fact. When women have sex with men, they bond to that man emotionally. Men do not. Men only get this feeling of emotional attachment to their children.
So if you are simply a friends with benefits deal, I can guarantee there is no emotional attachment there on his behalf.
HOWEVER, you said in your description that you have both been doing things together that break the rules of friends with benefits. You are cooking together, painting together, going to Christmas parties together and the key detail that stands out to me: he texts and calls you everyday.
This can mean one of two things: 1. He has fallen for you which I would have been inclined to believe until you said that he said he only wants friends with benefits.
Because of that I’m inclined to believe he’s being very clever and doing number 2. Which is to create the illusion of offering all that would consist of having a romantic relationship (the purpose of doing this is to make you emotionally attached to him), so then he knows you’re his without him having to commit to you completely.
Another thing to make you aware of when it comes to men. We have this awesome ability to shut off our emotions.. so if we don’t want to deal with something or we ant fix something, we can just push it down and distract ourselves.
Whilst you allow him to have you without committing to you he will continue to do so. You need to decide what you want, and if it truly is a relationship and it’s him you like then you give him the ultimatum: either you commit to me and we have a relationship or the friends with benefits stops here. However you said you’re not sure if you want one with him and I’d of thought you’d know by now having slept with the guy for however long..
The ball is in your court it seems, you just have a to make a choice.
I misread what you said, as you made a statement based on what he said in the beginning, and worded like he was still standing by it.
All that I said remains true, however it would seem like instead of 2, it is 1 and that he is getting emotionally attached due to the time you are spending together. It would appear he is pursuing you and you allowed it to step out side of the rules of friends with benefits and become personal.
Ask him what he wants and decide what you want... because it’s not fair to allow this to continue if in your mind it is friends with benefits whilst for him it’s becoming more.. :)
Incidentally, Everyone has the ability to push their feelings down.. it’s not healthy or anything to boast about.
As far as getting attached, we all react differently and differently to different people people and different situations. Not one size fits all depending on gender. That is true for any emotional response.
As for sex from what I’ve seen and discussed with people, Few people get attached strictly from sex.. usually it was already there before hand.
I don’t mean any of this as a criticism.. I see you took time to answer so I’m guessing you out thought into it so probably think deeply about things which makes it interesting to hear your thoughts.
@VIVANT thanks for your response much appreciated. What I said in terms of how men work is all based on brain science and studies.
Of course this can vary based on our environmental influences, for example a boy raised around females will tend to be more emotionally expressive than a boy raised around only males.
However what I’m referring to is our “biological” responses. That being that it has been proven that when women have sex with men, the bonding part of their brain lights up.. it does not do this for men. However when a man holds his baby in his arms, that same little part of the brain turns on and we experience the same feelings of bonding.
This again is true for feelings. We can all push our feelings down, but men are better at it, biologically. When a man gets home from a hard day at work, it’s proven that as soon as a man sits down his cortisol levels drop. If a women does this nothing happens. How does a woman’s cortisol levels drop? By talking about her day... this is where the clashing of sexes comes into play in relationships and communication becomes difficult because men don’t need to talk about problems, and women do. When a man gets into an argument with his wife, she talks and talks and all he is thinking is why is she talking to so much. So right at the beginning of the conversation he will offer a solution to the problem and in his mind there’s nothing else to talk about because he’s solved it for her. But this frustrates a women because she doesn’t want to fix it, she wants to talk about it and feel heard...
@VIVANT Men don’t want to talk about her their day has been at the end of a stressful day, we just want to switch off and do something like watch telly to unwind. It works for us.. women feel better after talking about their day.
Can you get women who are more in their masculine energy and don’t want to talk and men who’s are more in their feminine energy and love to talk? Sure! But this is usually nurture over nature. It’s because that women was raised as a daddys girl and therefore she grew up more in her masculine energy for example - vice versa..
Biology doesn’t trump life experience. There’s no way of determining how any individual is going to deal with a situation bc a group of people light up in a certain way. Additionally brain lighting up is very vague. It doesn’t tell you what the person is feeling or Thinking or how sensitive or not they will be to any chemical.
None of what you said about Women applies to me not my experience with men. I grew up with only Women.
Everything about human beings Living In civil society IS nurture over nature. That’s how we are not Jerking off in front of strangers and flinging shit at each other. Hopefully. LOL
Anyhow per her question, it doesn’t matter what guys do it matters what she is doing to do you sort out her situation with that specific guy. Nothing in a book Is going to give her answers.. she has to be responds now for acting in her own Interest and not let this guy jerk her around.
He may want mkre or he may like her having the illusion that he may want more but is too scared or shy or I show to “ talk about is feelings” as some people Here might say.
Personally I think he is playing games. You either want something or you don’t. If you do Even if you have reservations you will be open not coy.
All she has to do is have a straight talk. if he Can’t or won’t respond, or hear not interested in what she wants, leave.
She doesn’t need to ask about biology she just needs to be direct. Get an answer and stop wasting her own time.
@VIVANT I agree with everything you said. Being raised around all men or all woman was only one example.. and of course we are moving in an ever changing world where humans are becoming more complex. It’s not as simple as a man is a man and a woman is a woman like it was in the 50s for example.. the two are definitely blending into each other..
There does however seem to remain a general pattern about how men and woman navigate a relationship, from my own experience and the experience of others I’ve spoke to whereby women don’t understand the man and expect him to be like her and the man doesn’t understand the woman and expects her to be like him. I’ve experienced it myself. I’m a more sensitive and emotional type guy but when it came to a problem in my relationship I thought if I gave a solution to the problem it was sorted, where as for my partner it wasn’t about just fixing it, it was about her having the space to just talk and she felt better after talking, where as I’d be frustrated because I didn’t see the benefit of it..
But I picked up a book called Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus by John Gray and it changed my life. Really helped me to understand why certain woman like to talk and why men feel the need to fix. I’d recommend giving it a read if you haven’t already :)
But yes getting back to the original point. Generally if a man wants a women he makes it known because he knows another suitor can swing in and take her away. He could be a shy guy and doesn’t want to ruin a good thing.
The only way to know that is based on whether he has been taking her out and doing all these things whilst affirming that he still only wants friends with benefits. Then he’s playing games.
Wow cannot type tonight. He was biding his time. I do think there was definitely interest, then there was something that happend. It turned us both off from eachother, then all downhill from there. I ended it about 3 weeks ego. Not what I’m looking for and he was definitely a narcissist
You never 'emotionally detach' - there are always SOME feelings involved. But you don't necessarily melt over a sex buddy, or want to hold her hand for no good reason. There's duc. ing and there's love making - to some extent they are mutually exclusive (which doesn't in any way mean fuc. ing is a bad thing).
In your description though, the two of you are a couple. What is it that you are not getting - exclusivity or long term intentions/guarantees? You might get those if you ask for the specific thing (but it can be an excruciating decision to go through for both sides if you look at it as a life-important decision and if it impacts some other field of your life, like previous children or alike)
he seems to have some issue with commitement with in reality is really a rad flag he doesn't want you with others but he doesn't want to give himself either
yes, men can detach, women can too if your are not that into your friends with benefits meaning there is no such potential for deep connection; if there is I dont think its possible to detach generally i think most people that are friends with benefits just fool themselves, you get attached at least to that person giving you want you need
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
Only HE can answer that as everyone else will answer how THEY feel and all are different. It literally could go either way. Guys are also naturally possessive, so even if they don’t want commitment with you, that doesn’t mean they want you seeing other guys while you’re sleeping together. It can be quite selfish, don’t fall for that. Be very clear.
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1 Reply
Opinion Owner
+1 y
He doesn’t want to lose his sec on tap and companionship to another man until he’s found the woman he really wants does he? He will genuinely get away with whatever you let him at this point. That’s why it’s essential you’re smart here.
Personally I can pretend to like a girl, cuddling, cooking, being charming and affectionate, spending time together like a couple... etc. I think every guy who loved once someone is able to pretend that. On the other hand, beyond infatuation (it's mostly craving for sex) i don't develop feelings to every girl. I understand your dilemma, you want a guy who is into you. However if you allow a guy being independent and free (friends with benefits) it's very likely he will abuse this position and he will reduce you to a sex object. Men are just humans are will pick the easiest way to satisfy their needs. Now the bitter pill for you. (sorry). It isn't sex that binds a guy to a girl. For relatively handsome guy is sex easy obtainable. What some men want is emotional exclusivity, we want to be the only one. For this feeling we are willing to give up sometimes our freedom. A girl who allows friends with benefits gives automatically a signal that she isn't interested in emotional exclusivity and she wants to remain independent. It isn't different if a girl give you a free ticket for cheating or she requires one in normal relationships. In perception of a man she loses every credibility and respect as person you could build up some deeper emotional connection with. Playing instead of being the caring and affectionate man isn't for most guys a problem.
I feel like we all get to a place in our lives were we want what we want and if you do want a relationship then you are torturing yourself with him. It's one thing to be ok with getting together on the basis of no relationship if you are both fine with that. But he is fine with that and you are not. You can easily move on to a person that will appreciate and value a woman seeking a commitment. Tell him exactly how you feel in person. If he does not reciprocate the same feelings towards you then you nicely move on.
Exactly This. There is no reason to try to analyze vague reactions and ambiguous declarations. Just tell him what you want and if he’s not on board , move on.
Staying weather what you don’t want with someone you want is going to lead to nothing but misery and wasted time.
Guys are pretty obvious when it comes to developing feelings... so You should know it, by his questions by his care, by his looks when he is looking at you, and the part that he wants to spend much time with you, more than friends actually do... the i think he developed feelings, or at least he likes you too much, cause if he didn't liked you that way, he wouldn't asks such particular questions... and about friends with benefits relationship, it always ends with someone developing feelings for the other, and it even ends, or start a love relationship...
Look through the texts, the calls, the way he looks to you, the way he acts when you say something about love and relationships... it would help you see! In the end eyes never lies! Wish you the best!
Generally speaking, it is POSSIBLE for a man to remain emotionally detached in a friends with benefits situation. However, if a man has a great friendship with a woman that he also has sex with, the odds are that he will eventually develop romantic feelings for her. I think that the real question is do you want him to have romantic feelings for you? If he does have those feelings, he's probably waiting for a signal from you that it is ok to express that. I think a lot of times people don't say what they feel because they are afraid to lose the friend and the benefits.
Your question is today's Question of the Day illustrating that Friends With Benefits is an illusion because eventually one of them will get emotionally involved as if in a couple.
It's not a question of "if" it's going to happen, but "when".
If it is any consolation, in December 1988 just before I turned 26, I was involved in this intense 2.5 week F W B situation (*) with my roommate. I was very emotionally involved, but, for her, I was just a convenient lay between more "serious BF"s.
So, was I a stupid fool? Yes and no. I knew better, but I wanted what I got into and paid the price. I learned through The School of Hard Knocks just like you are...
(*) This is long before "Friends With Benefits" became "a thing". No one said that 30+ years ago let alone thought it because it would be considered an embarrassment to sink to that level. Apparently, being a slut or manwhore doesn't matter in today's "hook-up culture".
Cause he wants the emotional comfort a relationship but without the rules involved such as monogamy. He will be upset and jealous if you talk to anyone else romantically because he wants to continue the sex and the comfort. If you start talking to someone else the sex stops. He does not want you to move on and he does not want theabel of relationship. This way he can sleep with who he wants to and you will always be there for him. Additionally, you won't be able to meet someone else and emotionally give yourself to a new relationship if you are going out on dates or sleeping with someone else. We are not wired that way.
As with friends with benefits cases you can't really predict what a man or a woman is upto. It's better to be clear and showing of your true emotion towards him is not any crime or sin rather it shows that you value people around. But do keep your doors open as you are satisfied with him as of now but you dont have any proof that he is sleeping around with multiple women or not. It's better to search for the true one you are seeking for a relationship till you don't get one. Meanwhile enjoy the coffee or dinner with him as you are not cheating on him. Let him take the call, if he takes assume that it is relationship, if he drops then move on as it will be the bwst thing you can do !
I can't answer your question because I can only answer for myself. This is what I know to be true. In my 57 years on this Earth this has never failed me. Honesty is the best policy. That said if you want to know what this man's intentions are or what he wants, simply ask the man. Now don't call him up and tell him that you want to talk to him or that you all need to talk do not do that. The next time you all get together grab his hand take him over to the sofa and sit down. Don't give any ultimatums just simply tell him how you feel and what you want. If he doesn't feel the same way end the relationship and move on with your life. I hope everything works out for you good luck and take care of yourself.
I totally feel him, I'm the exact same lol I'm planning a trip to meet my family in Africa with a friends with benefits. I'm a love giver, I can't be friends with benefits and not do stuff with the girl.
However, those I girl I seriously could have date but I don't know, I don't feel like it will go this far and I don't want to ruin a good friendship. I'd rather wait for a girl with who I imagin myself being with in another 10 years. Perhaps I will with one of them but until I'm sure of it, I can just enjoy my friends with benefits. In the very worst case, if it's like a relationship, what would change if it becomes one except anything? At least as a friends with benefits I'm sure I won't loose them.
It seems his plans didn't quite work out. He said from the start he wanted friends with benefits but he's clearly fallen for you and now he thinks its awkward for him to go back on his word and decide to date you. So if you're interested in him break off the friends with benefits deal and tell him he either takes you on as a girlfriend or doesn't. Trust me he will.
No, he doesn't. When he asks you stupid shit like are you talking to anyone, call him out on that. Why did you get in an friends with benefits if you want a relationship. I don't know why women think the guy will change. He might, and I might be starting at free safety for the Eagles on Sunday too.
This isn’t about gender. People often want something a certain way and can’t accept it won’t happen, and they choose having what they want in a way they don’t want it. Instead of moving on and risk not finding anything they want.
But as far as I have witnessed few women women who want a relationship over a friends with benefits are willing to do friends with benefits to begin with. And of course many women want friends with benefits not a relationship. And some don’t want either.
Women who want a relationship and hope to turn a friends with benefits into a relationship, are the ones talking about it bc they are unhappy bc they put themselves in a self sabotaging Position by speaking up.. Everyone else is doing what they set out to do.
It’s like guys who are friends bc they really want to date. It doesn’t mean most guys are hoping their friendship turns into a relationship. But the ones who are trying to wait it out are complaining bc it’s miserable. So we hear About it a lot.
He either wants a friends with benefits so that he can sleep with multiple people or he told you he wants a friends with benefits because he doesn't want a relationship with you and is just having sex with you while he's looking for somebody that he really wants to be with. I bet he has some emotions but he's probably more concerned with you finding a boyfriend because then he will lose his sex partner. I think those are the most likely cases.
You have feelings. Otherwise you would be going to some of his family or work things too. He likes spending time with you because it ends in sex. He probably doesn't want your relationship to end and if you are still online that may happen sooner than otherwise. I think he knows you like him, and if he likes you I think he'd ask to change from friends with benefits to boyfriend and girlfriend.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
A billion percent.
Sex is not something emotional to us. Yes we can have a deeper sexual thing with someone we care for, but sex doesn't create or enhance that.
Sex can literally be a stress release with a female hole connected to a person who we have zero anything with.
It's because of the oxytocin in the body. (the bonding chemical) Women get large doses during foreplay, sex, and orgasm and estrogen inhances its affects. Men get a small amount during orgasm but testosterone nullifies its affects. Men get more dopamine (which is the pleasure chemical).
So a friends with benefits almost never "grow" emotions. (Yes there are always acceptions to the rule).
Why would he sign contract with a company that already gives him all the benefits without the obligations? You should have set boundaries from the start. If him being with other girls bothers you then you should have never agreed to be friends with benefits.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
You are in your 30's I seriously would have thought you were old enough and mature enough to realise you should just ask him where you stand and if wants to be with you we are complete strangers we can't tell you what he is thinking or feeling as we don't know him or can we read his mind
1
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Yes you’re right. I should confront him about it instead of hitting a website, however, I don’t like rejection. Good cal though and thanks for the reality check. I’ll address it next time I see hi. In person
You need to ask if you are still friends with benefits. You two seem to be doing all the relationship stuff with being official. The air needs to be cleared.
Anyone can emotionally detach themselves generally. I suffer from it
It is not fun to deal with and its even harder to rectify. When it comes to friends with benefits though both parties should be aware there is no emotions involved its just sex. If one party has feelings they should not do it
well i feel like you should have forced the issue at that point if you really wanted an answer because sadly none of us can posibly know whats in his head. if i was to guess however i would say he maybe is happy as things are but wishes you was not talking to others
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