Guys run away once they find out I'm a single mother. Why?

Question

I get a lot of women out there only want your wallet! I absolutely acknowledge that ugly fact of life. But my kids want and need the love of a father. The statistics don't lie. Children of fatherless homes are worse off for a lot of reasons. And I'm financially responsible and solvent. I don't want your money. But I'm not even given a chance. Thoughts?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

Personally, I don't automatically have any negative connotations associated with the idea of "a single mother." The image that the term calls to mind for me; (in general, not from a potential relationship standpoint)... is one of a woman who has to work really fucking hard. She has to work really fucking hard because she's got a child.

She's doing whatever she needs to do, to try to fill the role that 'traditionally' a two-person role (financially, emotionally, time etc.) The term "single father", for me, conjures up the same image of a man, who works fucking hard, to raise his child without the help of a partner.

It's certainly not at all to say that this, the image of the 'noble, loving, sacrificing, responsible, hardworking single parent is actually reflective of all single parents. I wouldn't necessarily even say I know for sure that this image is reflective of most single parents.

So, again, I'm assuming that aside from being a single mother... you're the type of person I would otherwise be interested it...

To me, that already means you're not guilty of a whole lot of the 'negative assumptions' people have made about you as a person, because you happen to be a single mother. For example, If you were whorish and disloyal... I wouldn't be on a date with you in the first place (or considering taking you out for one.. depending on how early it is, that these guys run).

So, if I were on this date with you; finding out that you were a single mother will not make me think you're any more whorish or disloyal. It will make me rethink things ENTIRELY. It would, right now, make me "run"...(by straight-up telling you why... but you could count me among those who would run at finding out you're a single mother).

Now, this might not apply to the guys in your particular situation. It really might be totally different. For me, finding out you're a single mother would make me run, for one simple reason: It's more responsibility than I'm able to (or willing to) take on; given the practical circumstances of my own situation.

So, for me, I would be looking for a relationship, I've always wanted kids... hasn't worked out that way... and I'm alright with that.
However... and finding out that things "working out" between you... implies stepping into a fatherhood role partway through... without any preparation... in a situation where your authority and legitimacy as "a father" is open to being questioned (depending on your child's age). It just sounds like a frightening amount of responsibility all of a sudden.

But even if things were different for me, and I was in a position where I could handle that responsibility that quickly... I would still DEFINITELY want to know that you had a child... right away... so I at least know what I'm dealing with.

I think you're best to be as upfront about being a single mother as you can be. I'm sure some guys will definitely run... but... they're not the right guys for you and your child or children. You want a guy who won't run... they are out there... don't ask me where to find them.. but they do exist.

I know its hard for you to see this right now: But whenever you do find the right guy, you will be SO GLAD that the guys who ran... didn't stick around.

I hope you find just who you're looking for. :)

CallMeDave · Accepted Answer

I think there are a variety of reasons that in combination make it challenging for a single mother to find a partner.

I haven't read all of the other comments, but I've read several that seem to imply that there's something wrong with anyone that's a single mother. I don't think that's always (and maybe not even usually) the case, but apparently it's a perception a lot of guys have. Certainly some single mothers have issues that make them unappealing as long term partners, but many are good people that ended up in a bad relationship but didn't realize it until after having children. I don't see how you can blame someone for marrying a guy that seems decent, but then becomes an alcoholic or becomes abusive or starts cheating and so she rightfully decides to end the marriage. I don't know if that's your situation, but I certainly know women like that. Occasionally women even become single mothers because their partner dies. How can that be her fault?

In any case, some significant percentage of men apparently assume that it's a woman's fault that she's a single mom and won't even consider her as a partner.

Others just don't want children, even children of their own, so they don't want to get involved in a relationship that comes with children. But those guys wouldn't want to marry a woman that has no children but wants to have some either so they just wouldn't be compatible with anyone that wants children even if she doesn't already have any.

Others might be willing to have children of their own, but don't want to raise kids that aren't theirs. I'm not sure I fully understand that. It's certainly possible to bond with children that aren't biologically yours. Step-parents do it and adoptive parents certainly do, but some guys think they can't or just don't want to. I think in some cases, they might see it as a constant reminder of her ex and they don't like that. That seems kind of crazy to me, but I think some guys think that way.

Now, as someone who's been in relationships with two different single mothers - one long ago before I had my own kids and one now after my own kids are grown - I'll tell you the two things that I personally think are hardest about dating a single mother. One is that if there is shared custody, you have to have contact with the father and communicate about the kids and negotiate things with him and so he can do things that create problems in the new relationship. The other is that kids take a lot of time and effort, are almost always the #1 priority for the mother, and add a lot of restrictions to life (you can't go out unless you can find a babysitter, you can't travel when school is in session, you can't do a spur-of-the-moment weekend getaway, you might have to cancel plans because one of the children gets a birthday party invitation and you have to take them to it and things like that and also having kids around make having a good sex life much more difficult), so any guy that dates a single mother is giving up a lot more freedom than he would be if he dated a woman without kids and has to be able to accept that he's usually not her first priority. That can be really difficult.

CubsterShura · Accepted Answer

I honestly don't get peoples saltiness against single mothers. They say a kid needs a father but then they aren't willing to do the honor. Pffttt. Nor do I get these men who are like 'I don't wanna raise someone else's kid' because when a lot of these men will have their own kids they will leave the kid entirely to the mother and boast about not being the kind to change diapers. It is nice to have your own biological kids, and I'd love to have some of my own someday. But completely hating the idea of being a step-parent is a bit too much in my opinion. I personally wouldn't mind marrying a single father and being a step mom to any of his kids. The main part about children is the parenting, not birthing.

It's true that a lot of single mothers have a lot of undesirable traits, and especially in the West often women who are single mothers, are responsible themselves for the situation that they got into. Something that guys really don't wanna deal with. But it's so wrong to simply assume that any single mother must be that kind and something is wrong with them if they are single mothers.

A less problematic side is the simple fact that often when men look for a partner, their only target is the woman, and so the thought of some woman wanting them for the kids instead makes them uncomfortable and feel like they won't get what they exactly want. They want a lover to themselves, and not some mom who is always thinking about the kids. This is quite normal even when the woman is the mother of his own biological child. I don't think looks have much to do with this, am pretty sure not a lot of men really care about saggy boobs or stretch marks.

So yeah, they don't want to do anything for kids that aren't biologically theirs, and they don't want to deal with the character of a woman that is normally associated with being a single mother. And they aren't up for being used or taken only for the sake of kids and not solely because the woman loves them for who they are. While I do feel like people in general really need to start being more kind to single parents and not put every single mother in the same box because everyone's different at the end of the day.

I truly hope you can find that man who is kinder, and will be a good father figure for your children as well. If it doesn't happen, I hope you have the strength to push through and your kids grow up to become amazing bright human beings. If I ever ended up marrying a man who has kids, boy I would love his kids so much.

MissDawn7961 · Accepted Answer

I am a woman and have dated all sorts of men ! I have dated - fathers , widowers and such - ! I have decided not to date - fathers , divorced or widowed men too but never again - ! I am not putting these men down either for they need prayers too ! I date two fathers and a widower too but will not do that again ! here is my reason not to date them ! I dated Leon S. ! Leon was a widower and a father too ! I figured this out for myself and I it did not let it happen to me ! say I marry a man who is a father ! we are in bed having sex and while we are at the best part , he gets a call from one of his children which interrupts our honeymoon ! Should he go to his child or stay with me , his wife and do our honey moon thing or what? he goes off and I am wanting my man for our honeymoon and sex ! So I ended it with this father Leon S. and widower ! then I dated a divorced man named Curt C. ! Now while dating Curt says to me - your divorced right - ? what makes him think that? do I look like I can not satisfy my mans needs or what? Lord willing my husband and I will satisfy all our needs ! why is Curt C. divorced? did he not give his Ex wife Lisa what she wanted , when and the way she wanted it or not? I dated Tony J. too ! tony had one son , was not married and probably wanted more children but maybe he was not mature enough to be a good father and provider for his wife and family too ! The point that I am trying to make here is this - no single childless person wants the responsibility of taking care of and raising someone else's children ! being a parent is a hard , loving and a big responsibility to have but being a single parent like my sister Joyce who is a widow at a young age has four adult children and the Lord is providing her with what ever she needs to take care of her and her children too ! say you are single and wanting to date someone who is a parent ! the parent has to make sure that they have a sitter so that they can date the single person or they will have to take their child on their date and that would ruin the date for their date wants their dates undivided attention and not wanting to watch their parent date taking care of their child and not getting to know their date who is a parent ! thanks

SpacedCharr · Answer

You're looking for a father for your children, not for the man actually dating you.

Of course no one will want to date that. You're going about this backwards.

Date for you, without hiding that you have kids, and then see if he could agree to being in your kids' lives.

You're being unseemly in how selfish you're acting, treating them like they're just good to be a dad stand in.

The men are interested in you, not your children. Reciprocate.

sejla · Answer

I'm not sure all men want to step into a father role. Maybe if you accepted that your partner might be more of a mentor in their life or like an uncle of sorts. The focus should be more on developing a strong man/woman bond with a man who is willing to take some sort of role in your kids life but maybe not full dad. If a man does want to be a full dad then that would be the icing on the cake.

akihon · Answer

OK so don't take anything I say here as an attack. I'm 41, very wealthy, am divorced. I don't trust women at all, the ones that I've met have proven they cannot be trusted so with that then
Why am I going to trust you, I have learned the hard way what you say and what you do are two different things.
Why am I going to put myself in the position of father to your child (ren) they aren't mine, I will be expected to help raise them, pay for them but have no say in how they are disciplined.
I'll be expected to put you first but you won't be expected to put me first, I'll be expected to change my life for you but not you for me, I'll always be second place and second best.
I have children myself, they will be expected to loose out for your's, I will be expected to treat them as my own but you will not be expected the same.
If things don't work out between us, I loose big time, I become responsible financially for you and your child (ren), why am I going to put myself in that position, are you really that special, or are you just like every other woman, you know just a woman not special at all.
Because of the women that I've met, because of the way they have behaved I've learned that I have to treat every woman as an equal, not special to be loved or protected but equal not deserving of protection or favour, that means you pay for yourself and you pay for your child (ren) I pay for myself, how can you be equal given that you're paying for your child (ren) not us or me but you.

You may find these things hard to hear but understand, I've met loads of women who claim they aren't like other women and then show that's exactly what they are.

KaraMcNulty · Answer

There could be many reasons for this, but here is 16 to keep your mind open.

1. They don't want children.
2. They want you to yourself.
3. They are scared to be rejected by the children.
4. They don't have experience looking after children.
5. They fear they may harm the children.
6. They are a danger to be around children and have abused children before.
7. They know the father may still be on the scene.
8. They don't want to take on another man's child.
9. They have daddy issues and don't want to feel they are living in their fathers shoes.
10. They feel you'll favour the children more.
11. They feel they will be held down from activities they like doing.
12. Because they lost a parent and don't want the child to suffer the same way.
13. Because they have depression, mental health issues.
14. They might believe you want more children.
15. Because they fear your libido (sex drive) may be low.
16. They have an alcahol/drug problem.

Don't assume it's your fault or about you in any way shape or form, it could just be down to lack of experience or bad experiences. They could be the issue and not you.
Relationships are not essential or a need.
Your child comes first and should be the priority... the right man will find you when he's ready to. Don't give up on the idea that you'll never find love.

bubbles328 · Answer

I too am a SM I do not have this problem. However, I also do not look for relationships to fill my children's needs. If you are expressing to men you want to become a family unit and you are dating to try to fill the father position that could be a HUGE put-off. The guy will think you only want him for the kids.

As for these kinds of views on single-parent families, each family is different. I am a strong believer that children need one solid person, someone that is strong and will be there for them. I work with children with behaviour problems and most of these kids come from 2 parent families trying to make it work for the kids. Both parents are unstable. I have worked damn hard to provide financially for my kids and be a stable adult. I am always there for them and they get everything they need and want. It's not easy but I've gotta do what I need to do.

I had a boyfriend that stepped in for a while and when we broke up my 11YO son said having a stepdad wasn't all it was cracked up to be and he preferred it just us! There was a study I put on one of my takes here that actually showed single-parent families were closer bonded, the parent is focused on their kids rather than a partner and in my life this has proven to be truthful. Both my kids are respectful to me and helpful they also tell me everything and we are very close.

Statistics are statistics and never show the full picture. They are just numbers on a page. many children from single-parent families aren't injecting heroin into their eyeballs and are doing fine.

loveslongnails · Answer

I think your takeaway is inaccurate. First, disregard the morons who think all single mothers are either bitches who drive men away, or piss poor judges of characters, or any of that leeches who entrap men for money, or any of that shit. Sure, women like that DO exist, but to presume that IF you're a single mom, you MUST be at least ONE of those women, is ridiculous. The assumption that "if YOU were any good, he'd have stayed", is bullshit too. Men bolt for all kinds of reasons, and one of them is they just don't want to be daddy ora husband anymore... not mentally, emotionally OR financially. But that pertains to the original marriage, so now to your question.

I agree fully with those telling you the primary reason is they don't want to raise another man's child, IF they want child in the first place. You say "once they find out", they run away, which tells me it isn't the very first thing they know about you. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it IS the first thing they should know. And YOU should want them to, so your own time isn't wasted.

I'll add this too, and it's strictly my own belief. Any man with half a working brain should know - if you date/marry a single mom, you'll NEVER be the most important other person in her life, and again, you shouldn't "expect" to be. If you're #2, you're doing well. But my news flash is mostly for the guys and... guess what... even in a marriage where it IS YOUR child too, if a woman is forced to make a choice for some reason, she'll choose the child over you. That's nature, and that's what females will do.

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

Well the issue is one, why are you single (as your update shows your aware of the substantial issues with single motherhood and most of the concerns are applicable to the vast majority of single mothers).

Second is many don't want to get into that mess because they will never be able to be a father to that child (especialy if they are older). They basically have no authority over the child but they will be expected to take on the role anyway (he punishes the kid but if the child is not recognizing his authority and the mother is constantly undermining him that means he is unable to do the job yet this is precisely what happens in most of these situations, he is undermined while simultaneously being called on to take on the role).

Third reason is at least for me, if things don't work out your not just breaking up with the woman, your breaking up with the kid too as your basically severing any ties and bonds that may have developed in that time as well and that is going to be traumatic for the child.

So yes, your going to have an uphill battle on your hands.

MarkusCopeland · Answer

"I'd like to thank everyone for the insights. I think the main take away ia that men have a lot of preconceived notions about "single moms". Unfortunately for me, many of these are negative and accurate. I've got an uphill battle to demonstrate that I'm not worish, looking for a sugar daddy, or unloyal/faithful."

You've very inaccurately summed up there.

Men generally do not want to raise another man's child. When you date someone it is a learning experience where you learn about each other, when it comes to a single parent you're forced to also learn about their child/children as well, and that is a lot of strain on a brand new relationship.

Your boyfriend will never come first, which is quite important after the early stages of dating as it's the time where you will decide if you're right for each other. I'm sure some men out there are happy playing second fiddle their entire lives, but most are not. That is not insecurity, it is wanting from your partner what you are also willing to give.

DorkVader · Answer

Be careful about when you bring men around your kids. It's one thing to date, but I think you should be more than casual before your kid meets and makes an emotional attachment to your boyfriend. If/when you break up, the kid breaks up too. I'm speaking as a kid of a single mom. I met way too many of her boyfriends and I remember the feeling of rejection and sitting up crying with her after the break ups. Probably why my own relationships have been short lived and far and few between. Huh. I just learned a thing.

Anyway, don't do that thing I just said lol. It's rough on kids that already know there's no dad around.

SueShe · Answer

It is probably because people are overwhelmed by the fact that a single parent means a lot of responsibility that they are perhaps not willing to take.

You have at least 2 children and I imagine that a guy must think that a girl with 2 children is only looking for someone to support them financially. This is a big burden on a person to be with, regardless of gender.

Hidden_P · Answer

From my viewpoint, I retreat from single dads too.

it often comes with some beef between the previous partner (whether already there or develops because you are the “new parent”. It also signs you up to something you didn’t exactly sign up for... eg a relationship you often decide on the child but for a new person you are entering that world knowing you don’t have 9 months to prep, it’s now. And those kids will either love you or hate you. It’s daunting.

i have enough on my plate without playing mum or even worse, not playing mum to save ex’s feelings and being hated by the kids. And if it doesn’t work out it’s like a break up and custody removed. It’s too much for me.

englisc · Answer

It's not only about him being suspicious of you, thinking that you want money or that you're disloyal. It's often simply because we don't want to raise another mans child.

You say your kid needs the love of a father for example, even statements like that can put a guy off, but that's really just about the way you put it. While it's unfortunate that your ex was an abusive piece of shit, another man can't be the father. He can be a strong male role model, and perhaps that would be a better way of putting it. But not a father.

ChiTown33 · Answer

I'm not going to beat around the bush. This isn't meant to be personal so don't take it that way. Having a child is a major strike against a woman. It generally shows she doesn't look before she leaps. Ok, you screwed up your life. You chose the wrong guy. He left you and maybe his responsibilities. No self respecting guy is going to say "gimme some of that".
Sorry, a woman with a child is the equivalent of a guy who is seeking a woman to take care of him. Now be honest how many women say " gimme some of that". The simple fact of the matter is you're going to have to be twice the woman your childless competition is because your child makes you risky stock. Hope this helps

Truthatanycost · Answer

Regardless of what qualities you have to offer, somewhere is a girl that is completely single that has exactly the same qualities, or more. And even if she didn't have those, her being single would still place her at an advantage.

You mentioned leaving the guy because he was doing drugs and partying. That makes me question your discernment, and whether there were any red flags ignored or missed. In other words, was the guy fully vetted before you deemed him worthy of being a father to the children...

Browneye57 · Answer

The primary reason is that no man will ever be a priority to you. Pretty much everything in your life has priority - your kids, your mother, your job, your friends. And really, you have no business spending time other than with your children, after working and running a household on your own. You owe them at least that.
Secondly, no reasonable guy is really interested in raising someone else's crotch-fruit. If they want a family they find a suitable woman and start their own. With yours, he'll never have final say on anything, in fact pretty much has zero authority for anything. Even the kids know this. He's basically a kick-toy.
No, when the kids are grown and gone then MAYBE you can try your hand in the dating pool. For now your primary focus needs to be on your children.

FatherJack · Answer

Single FT working dad myself , my daughter & son are both teens. I took on custody knowing full well that meant being single for the rest of my life , and after the marriage I endured , then ended ( I am a 20% er...80% of the time the woman bins the man ) I do not even want to date , let alone endure another relationship. Simply put , we have baggage , that is unwanted to most , our children will always be first. Single dads are less desirable than single mothers , this is because there is much less demand for men from women , than vice versa , and there are vast numbers of baggage free available men. I am single by choice , but most single dads stay single not by choice.

ShadezMcgee · Answer

I think the big thing with being a single mother in the eyes of a lot of men is that it is quick to judge why she could be in that situation, and I will admit I fall in this mentality, although I try to keep am open mind.

When men see single moms, they tend to wonder why that is. "Is she a widow?", "Did she divorce the other guy and clean him out?", "Poor judgment from early pregnancy depending how old she is", "What was her old relationship like with the last guy?"

Stuff like that, and another big one is that a lot of men want their own flesh and blood kids. Not take over for kids that aren't biologically theirs.

TonyBologna25 · Answer

Women who divorce their husbands typically tend to play victim to the entire relationship failing. They also tend to initiate most of the divorce in the US, so one could say you broke up the family. It also might say that you lack loyalty which is clearly unattractive to most men. You also have to realize that a guy wants to be a priority to you, and he never will be if you already have kids. I know single moms who are really good people and had to leave the situation, but I also know a lot who are pretty unpleasant to be around. Not attempting to insult you or put you down, but this is how I feel about single moms.

moststrangestguy · Answer

Trillions of girls won't date nice guy because of there biology so nice guy ends up alone forever, once you have a kid it means you're already used up your value drops no longer fertile no man wants to have children with you, and all men want kids of there own, so there biology does the same thing as female tell them to stay away from crazy single mothers.. It's simple nature... Who you can blame are all the cunts that used and abused you cough cough the alphas that you so desperately wanted but hey what do i know

Edanurus · Answer

It's the fear of being used emotionally not financially. Money comes and goes but having to walk away from a kid that you've built a parent/child relationship with is magnitudes harder than walking away feom a relationship.

Look at the reasons you've put for having a relationship. Its almost like getting a dad for your kids is more important to you than a relationship and that is always going to lead to terrible relationships that aren't good for anyone involved.

The issue for kids in single parent households isn't the lack of a father but the lack of male role models in their life, that doesn't have to be a father figure at home.

Screenwriter · Answer

The guys who run away don't want to raise someone else's children. Make sure you advertise that you're single parent. Then men who don't mind kids won't be run off by the revelation.

MzAsh · Answer

Where’s the father? Make him help take care of your kids. Single moms need to start enforcing some boundaries with this. Don’t allow him to force parenthood on to you. As for your other question, be patient and filter for better quality men who will love you AND your kid.

MannMitAntworten · Answer

Frankly I have never had a problem in dating single moms... at least not where their children were concerned. Where my problems with single moms was an issue was if they were divorced single moms who were holding on to their anger and bitterness towards their ex so damn much that it spilled over into our relationship. Talking about them constantly then going as far as contrasting all my good aspects into something awful just because their ex began as good in their minds and did some of the things I do (positive speaking) and then making the positive ‘A’ translate into becoming negative result ‘Z’. Where to them all positives lead to only sabotages a relationship and sabotages themselves. It just makes them undatable because no man (and I imagine no woman in a reverse scenario) ever wishes to be held responsible for another’s transgressions. Anyway... point is, single moms are easy to date. Divorced single moms on the other hand can be a hell of a challenge.

DiscomfortZone · Answer

It's the "finding out" thing, if you ask me. If indeed you are all you claimed to be - why do they need to "find out"? Why don't you begin your communication with them by revealing this crucial fact about you? Don't get me wrong, I see absolutely nothing wrong with single parents finding love, but if you don't want to raise suspicion - you have to be bluntly honest. To the point of your first ever message containing the words "I am a single mother, kindly stop wasting my time if you've got a problem with it".

AynonOMouse · Answer

Them wanting the man to support their kids is only one of the reasons why many men avoid single mothers.
There is the potential for drama to deal with from the ex that will be involved.
The kid not wanting to follow the new guy's rules in his house.
If the guy is family oriented and wants kids of his own he likely wants someone without kids already (and under 30).
The first part of a relationship when you need more attention from a partner, that time would be taken up by their kid instead, so the beginning of the relationship will never be as good as it could have if their attention/affection wasn't so divided.
There are more reasons, but those are the main ones.

I think your best bet would be to look for a single father so you are both in the same situation from the start.

Anonymous · Answer

Why in God's name would they? Raising a child is a shit ton of work; mental, physical, emotional and financial. The one reward is the knowledge that you brought a life into this world, someone who will always love you as their mother/father.. So basically u are expecting them to do all of the work with none of the reward. I can see why its a good deal for you (and the guy who knocked you up). But what's in it for the cuck, besides access to your tired, blown out pussy once a month (if he behaves)?

Daniel3035 · Answer

This is nothing to do with the wallet even though I agree. It's to do with your irrationality and indecisiveness. What do you want? When you married your ex-husband did you know what you wanted? Did you even look at him and ask is this man marriage material or did you just say ill go with it?
You can't expect us, men, to lead everything including your life. And that's the biggest mistake you made that other men are not willing to make. Like every young girl, you just don't know what you want and have no direction in life you literally just say meh ok and we don't want a relationship or marriage like that.

soleil2666 · Answer

Oh, no - that is an entirely YOUR problem to solve.
Why did you dump/chase away the father of your children?
Do you realise NO ONE ELSE CAN ever be a FATHER to those children?
Where in the world do you believe your right to just grab a man and saddle him with YOUR children comes from?
What gives you an idea your children are of any relevance to another man?
Nobody needs to care about your children but you - I'd NEVER date a single mother. No way. The worst type there is - took someone's child away, dumped them, now wants another man from the conveyor belt - under the excuse her children need a father - the man she alienated. Why were you not thinking about their needs then?

Surely · Answer

I once was involved with a woman that had two children on purpose, to different men and didn't marry either one of them.
Wasn't a good situation to get involved in.
Couldn't depend on either of the men showing up for there visitation days so that the mother and I could do something alone together.
But on the other hand, I once dated a woman with a daughter that I fell in love with and had the love returned by the daughter, but the mother lied to me a lot and dumped me when she no longer needed a repairman to sell her house.
Not sure of your situation, but these are just two of mine.

Bananaman177 · Answer

You know, single moms always say they're looking for a father for their children, but whenever you try to actually discipline the kid, the mom always takes the kids' side and tells the man to "back off."

It's pretty hard to do a job when you're not actually allowed to ever do it.

Guanfei · Answer

Dating a single mom is hard. You know you'll never be a priority, you know she'll be busy quite often so going out or seeing each other is hard, and even if it works with her, it also has to work with her kid, because if the kid don't like you, the mom will reject you too.
And even if it works, there are still issues. What will be your place in the family? Do you have any say on how to raise the kid? Is the real dad still around, and willing to let you be a part of the family? Because if things become serious, you can't stay forever the "boyfriend on the side" who isn't part of it.
In theory I wouldn't mind dating a single mom. In practice... things are harder.

lernulo · Answer

I'm not going to talk for most of men but on my case.

I were in love with a mum with 2 children and it was a problem but I felt able to pass it.
Problem comes if you define yourself as just a mum with 2 children.

I want a woman, in fact I love them, and I understand you have children, friends, an ex husband... But I still want it, although it's a bit.
All your reasons to date are... My children need a father.

Do you miss the time of being a couple hugged? Or the time in which you planned a trip?

Start thinking about what things do you want to do with a husband and you will start being more lucky.

Liam_Hayden · Answer

Besides the fact that most guys likely assume that what you mentioned applies to you, there are:
1. The crazy ex (es).
2. The extra responsibility. If it doesn't work out, there is not only the lady to think about but the possibly devastated kids.
3. The extra time constraints. Children take a lot of time and attention, so given the choice between a single without and a single with, all other things equal, 19 out of 20 guys will take the single without.

But there are decent guys who will date you. They are just a smaller % of the population than if you were childless.

Anonymous · Answer

They need the love of THEIR father, not just anyone. Think if it was reversed, would you want to be the parent to a child that isn't yours? Plus on top of that, a child takes up a HUGE amount of your time and energy, what's left for us and the relationship? We may not want to "share" you if you know what I mean? Meaning this is a lot of baggage for someone and a new relationship, baggage a lot of people don't want. That's not to say "it's hopeless" for you, it's not, but finding the right guy will be harder for sure.

Anonymous · Answer

Men between your age and mine who don’t want kids don’t want to be your child’s father. Those who do want kids can, if they’re employed and have their lives together, relatively easily marry an early 30s woman and have their own biological children.
the men are most likely to be interested in a single mother are those who have kids of their own, are looking for a “parent” lifestyle but don’t want to have more. However more men don’t have custody of their kids so even those men would often rather have a childless partner.

Gatman34 · Answer

Guys just don’t want to raise and spend money in another mans kid plus if you are a mom you are going to spend more attention on your kid the guy will never come first. Which he really shouldn’t it should be the kid.

McKellar · Answer

Well I'm sure you have heard about the fictional story of the "1 bad apple makes the entire bunch look bad". I'm sure you're not like that.

I have once dated a single mother. I will admit you are right. She only wanted me, not my wallet. ... but she strangely up & just broke it off from me after 2 months worth of dating & then shortly after, she began playing some ridiculous mind-game with me. I didn't cheat on her at all, I was making a lot of effort to be with her but nope! After 2 months, she just gave me the whole "This is the reason why we need to break up, so bye!" and that was it.

After that I thought "Whatever..." & have been single ever since. This was back in I think 2016 or 2017.

Anonymous · Answer

The fact is that today when it comes to marriage, parenting and child custody issues, men have more responsibilities than rights, so it should come as no surprise to anyone why men are very reluctant to willingly step into a scenario like yours.

I'm not saying all women are bad or unfair, because they're not. And there are also a lot of irresponsible and selfish men, like your ex husband for example. But in general, the deck is staked against men in marriage and parenting today, so you do indeed have an uphill battle in finding a willing man.

I sorry you are facing this because you sound like a good woman who actually values men and the important role a father plays in a child's life. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a good man who treats you right and will be the father your children need and deserve.

Anonymous · Answer

The simple answer is that they don't want a second hand family.
Sure, fatherlessness is bad, but that doesn't mean I'm obligated to to be a dad to them. I have no problem being a dad to my own kids. But it feels ridiculous invest my resources into other guys' offspring, particularly guys who (usually) bailed on the family in the first place. It's like they are going off and doing whatever, while I sit here footing the bill for them to propagate their degenerate genes. Kids should have fathers in the home, but they should have *their* father. I want my own family with woman who has only had kids with me and we invest in that like together. No second hand family.

AdvNewks · Answer

Because many men don’t want to raise another man’s offspring. Raising a child requires resources e. g. time and money. Many men just feel like they’d rather use those resources on their own offspring. That plus baby daddy drama isn’t fun to deal with.

PondyPand · Answer

Put you're a single mom up straight away.
Plenty men just don't want to take on someone else's kids. And they don't have to.
What's a red flag is how you seem to want to make them a dad to your kids. No wonder they run. I get making sure a dude is serious but it's not up to them to be the father to your kids. That what their actual father should do.

David92506 · Answer

On a side note, a friend of mine married a woman with one baby (3-months old). They were married for about two years and bought a house, a car and furniture together. They began to fight and they split up. She told him she wants everything and if he doesn't comply she will call the authorities and tell them that he beat the child.

He gave her everything and left.

Avicenna · Answer

It could be their own bad experiences or those of others.

That said, asking someone to be a father to a child that isn't theirs is asking a lot. I'm not saying that no one will do it, but it's a lot of work and there is still some financial commitment even if he doesn't adopt the kid.

I suspect younger single moms have more success in attracting guys because they seem more likely to have kids with the new guy.

Rocky_Jocky57 · Answer

Same reason women do it to single fathers. A lot of people dont want to be dragged in the drama of being the new girl with the other womens family and kids. Especially if the couple left on bad terms. Also, they dont want to take care of another person's kids.

Matthew2222 · Answer

I would never consider dating a single women unless she was widowed, and even then it would be a really long shot. There are plenty of women in the world without the baggage of children, so most guys have little reason to get involved.

lightbulb27 · Answer

I'm not sure it is just the kids, it's a package deal... like you come with accessories. Some guys run from that and some value it. Maybe it is your desperation that scares them off and how you go about that? like being too direct? I know women with kids whove gotten married and worked out great, some that are still looking, etc..

ConfusednClueless · Answer

Your dating the wrong guys. Single mom of 3 and I prefer single dads. However, some bachlors are great to. 💯

Shiver · Answer

Most guys seem to not want to raise someone else's kiddos. I personally wouldn't be bothered, but I get where most of them are coming from. A lot of us have had bad experiences with single moms, like tons of baggage, beef with the other guy and as you said money. Guys just hear "single mom" and skidaddle because of those experiences and/or horror stories.
You'll find a guy who's right for you and your kiddos tho. Good luck.

Substantialman · Answer

When I was first dating at a young age these issue was easy. Mature single women with kids are dating single guys who have kids or none at all. I would date a single mum and I have before. Do these guys want children of their own, maybe they have past financial issues & with their exes etc.

nelly83 · Answer

I think that you need to understand that most people don’t want to pay for someone else’s child. But there are many men out there who don’t mind dating single mothers. I have a couple of guy friends who won’t mind. But When you meet a guy who accepts that you’re a single mom, you better take it. Don’t complain about why most men wouldn’t go for you. You’re not a single 27 yr old anymore. 37 is not the new 27.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Single mothers are a disaster. You had a child or children with a man who was either a good man and you chased him away -- which makes you a crazy bitch. Or you chose some super-stud-Alpha to fuck, deliberately got pregnant to try to trap him, and he bolted on you --which means your judgement sucks.

Also, no quality man wants to raise some other man's children, while paying for all of the mother's past mistakes.

Single mothers are only good for sex.

Tomsta · Answer

Me personally at my age i'm thinking

- Don't want to be part of your bad decisions
- Not ready to be a 'dad' of any sort
- Not wanting to be tied down
- I kinda like my free time and money

Once you get older more

- Messy divorce; not something i wanna get involved with

Unit1 · Answer

Wow! Some pinks shame us for not wanting to date single mothers. They be really mad.

Anyhow. Your best bet is dating single/divorced/widowed fathers or cuckolds. Yeah, they're not that many as we bachelor/childless men but they are pretty much the only ones in your dating scopes. We're not going to resume someone else's mistake.

Koalamate · Answer

As a child of a single mother the less commitment the better he has to ease his way in not making any promises not buying gifts. The more time spent bonding with him and your kids the closer they will be but there has to be 0 pressure to get along. He may not ever be able to be a father depending on your kids age but a father figure/older brother.

lovedejj_xo · Answer

Well I sure as hell don’t want to date a man with kids if I wanted some I’d have one but I don’t for a reason. If I ever did I’d expect a guy to be committed... but how you know you didn’t pick a trash guy is even if you don’t work out He’s Still There For His Kids. Stop looking for a father for your kids and look for someone that likes you in general. Stop bringing random men around your children though. You’ll know if you found someone genuine over time.

crazy8000 · Answer

Just stop trying to get people that aren't in to someone like you.
Be honest and straightforward about that you are single parent and how many, especially if it's more than 1 since some can't handle more than a certain amount, or any in general. you also have those that are aware of that they aren't good for children.

Burtonfan · Answer

Here is another thing that I've seen happen. Date a single mom, and lo and behold soon you have your own kid. Told a few friends this. Guess what, 2 years later she's pregnant. It's fine if the guy actually is ready, tired of playing the dating game and just wants to settle down. But if he is not ready and she pulls the Hey that's my kid card. Then it slowly unravels. Seen it a enough times to call it a thing.

Shamalien · Answer

being a single mom is like wearing a giant banner that says "I make bad decisions when it comes to men"

why would I want to get involved with that? Single mothers should ideally seek single fathers, and if not, at least don't complain about why guys are not stoked on this. The kids aren't of his DNA, you banged some asshole, he splooged his load in ya, and now I have to clean up the mess?

fuck THAT.

Anonymous · Answer

I can tell you now a ton of white men are like this. They will ghost you after learning you are a single mother. With all due respect, It’s best you find a good black (or Hispanic) man. They are 98% more likely and willing to accept you and your beautiful child (ren).

ecfresh · Answer

By not given a chance does that mean no dates? I have dated and been in relationships with single mothers. It wasn’t the kids that I was evaluating, it was her to see if we connected and could build a relationship.

Guys run away once they find out I'm a single mother. Why?

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