Is it bad to go for guys that are unattractive, so if they mess up, I know I can always find someone much better?

[anonbrunette99]

I have very little experience so until I find my feet in the dating world, i literally strategically go for people I’m not attracted to. my friends are usually highly confused asking me what I see in the guys I choose every time. but it’s like hard wired in my brain now to do that - it also means I’m literally never nervous or intimidated or anxious on dates which is good. I wondered if any other guys or girls did this? And has it worked for you?

[backinblack22]

Alright these guys don't intimate you and know you can get your way with them, because you DON'T CARE what they think. You are also getting plenty of practice young at faking it in bed too... go figure.

So the longer you spend with this guy the more feels better about himself. He actually feels attractive and confident. He actually feels that he's worth something to women. And last but not least he's been lied to the point he might actually think you have something for him.

So you got a very low tolerance for any mistakes the make and ALL guys will make a mistake at some point. Than you ditch them and they're devastated. They might not even screw up, you might ditch them just because you bored. Then you wonder why there are so many "incels" and angry guys out there. You are perfect reason why but then again feminism says you're the "victim"...

When it comes down to it you are selfish piece of shit. But at least you are a HONEST piece of shit. I bet for every girl like you there are 5 others who think the exact same way but don't admit it. But then again who cares what guys think. They only exist for you ends right? YOU GO GIRL! Be "strong" and exploit them. They don't have emotions, they are dispensable. Just guys, who cares.

You might as well become a hooker if you are this good at being fake. I take that back, hookers are actually better then you. At least a guy knows a hooker's intention and vice versa. Yeah, you are lower than a whore. The only girls who are even lower than you are the ones that don't admit to this.

[akihon]

No it isn't bad at all and if that's something you want to do then more power to you.

Have you thought though if some guy who might look ugly to you anyway were to maybe be very wealthy and very good at hiding it and then we're only with you until you mess up and then he can find somebody better.

What if your with somebody and they drop you because they don't like the way you talk, thinking they can find somebody better, or dressed better or thinner or anything.

What would you do were you sat in a very exclusive place and told that the guy your with is only with you untill he can find somebody better.

Maybe, and here's a thought then you try to see the person rather than the shallow things you think are important. Maybe if you find out what actually matters to people in a relationship and aim for those things, the things you actually need rather than the shallow shit you think you want.

Maybe if you do that you'll have a much happier dating life than where your currently going

[spuitkaas]

Sounds like you've made a system for yourself not to get hurt. Ask yourself why you're doing this. Has someone hurt you before? Are you just really insecure that you think you don't deserve better? Are you afraid of finding someone you genuinely like and therefore avoid being in a relationship?
Why are your feet not in the dating world?
I feel like you're sabotaging yourself to find an actual relationship. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for, but that's what you're doing.
Maybe you have commitment issues.

[Dash_Fatbastard]

This is the only answer here that goes to the heart of the matter.

[anonbrunette99]

It’s mostly because I recently recovered from depression, well not recently but a year ago. And I’m just so terrified of being back to square one over it as I’ve seen “love” tear apart others mental health. And also I have a warped prescription of relationships as everyone I’ve seen in one has been mistreated or it’s fallen apart. Maybe I need to work on my mental health, trust issues and find more stable people to befriend.

[Dash_Fatbastard]

You know, it's okay to be single for a while, till you feel stronger.

Believe it or not, there are men out there who value female council and friendship for it's own sake. I'd been that way between relationships until I married, and I have treasured friendships with men and women of all ages who've given me balance and perspective that I've been grateful for.

You can have that, and you can offer that to others as well. But pay your own way in the friendship, when you go out, and in how you share your friendship. Give as well as you get in the most possible way.

You can be open and honest and still keep your own boundaries as long as you are up front with them, and are true to them yourself.

I think a lot of the men you've been seeing will be as happy to enjoy true friendship with you more that the doubt and false promise of a physical love connection. Give us a little credit, and don't pigeonhole us.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion you shouldn't date someone you don't feel some type of attraction to because both of you will be very unhappy in the end and it's wrong to lead people on. Regardless of how someone looks, they can end up hurting you. I've went for guys who I initially wasn't sure id feel a connection with and did it protect me? No! Not one bit. A guy can still be a jerk low self esteem or not. It's best as a woman to be honest with yourself otherwise, you can't with other people and that'll ruin relationships.

[OlderAndWiser]

How would you feel if you knew that the guy you were dating really wasn't attracted to you but was just dating you because you were convenient and not challenging?

[BagoH]

Legendary response hahah

[Pejtu]

So true good one

[ManOnFire]

Again, I am not surprised that a 20 year-old female would have this kind of mentality.

[UncleJessieRabbit]

Isn't part of it biological?

[ManOnFire]

@UncleJessieRabbit Nah. Just egoistic stupidity.

[rjroy3]

@UncleJessieRabbit yes. It's called Evolutionary Stable Strategy

[Liam_Hayden]

@rjroy3 No, it's called "I'm a shallow twit" As though unattractive is the opposite of better. Such stupidity.

[backinblack22]

I've met women in their 30s that are STILL this selfish and stupid.

[BruceJender]

@backinblack22 Some people never grow up.

[ManOnFire]

@backinblack22 I have too, yes. But it's a lot worse with the younger ones.

[ElvenMr]

@rjroy3 I just call it "DUMB THOT" It rings better.

[backinblack22]

With the younger ones I expect if. But ever since I got my 30s I for some reason get along much better with younger women than older ones. I guess the older ones who are still single (and if they are attractive they are likely voluntarily single) have gotten only worse than better

[rjroy3]

Hahahah I'm saying the principle idea. She's going about it differently. a lot of girls subconsciously keep guys they know they can have for a rainy day if they wanted. "Dick-In-a-Box" for the sake of the argument. They keep them in the background, so long as they don't push too hard, because she doesn't want them now, just for incase. Some girls do it consciously, most do it subconsciously in that they are kind of aware of what they're doing. But they're not clearly making the decision in their mind that they are going to do it.

Pretty much every relatively attractive girl you meet does it. Some girls then go on to aim as high as they can to get the best they think they can get, knowing they have backup guys if they fall. That's why a lot of girls in relationships still give out their phone number. They justify it by saying they're not going to cheat or do anything they shouldn't. And many of them won't. It's just another dick in a box for a rainy day for if her current relationship ends.

This girl is just taking it a step further to say, rather than aiming for the best guy she think she can get. She's gonna aim just below what she thinks she deserves, so that she has a stronger security net. Less likely to end (because in her mind he wouldn't leave, becausehe can'tdo better than her) and even if h does, she thinks oh well. Just get another one of similar quality who will put up with her bullshit. I'm sure she likes the guy, but as far as attraction she sees him as less.

[rjroy3]

Personally, while it feels gross. I'm not sure I see it as a moral issue as long as she's treating the guy well enough. Objectively speaking. If she does like him as a person, she's loyal, she treats him with respect and is all around a girlfriend. But she happens to just see him as less attractive than she is... is that really a moral good or bad? How many people do you know who are settling in their relationship because they think they can't do better?

She just happens to think she can do better, but is choosing not to. Not sure I see the moral bad in this, unless she's treating him poorly

[rjroy3]

Like there's a difference between feeling bad about something vs that thing actually being "wrong". I don't think it's wrong per se. She's not leading the guy on. She's with him and hopefully fucking him good. Hopefully treats him well and is loyal. So what if she thinks she can do better. She chose him and is being loyal *shrugs*

[backinblack22]

@rjroy3 she won't stay loyal for long. I had a girl do this shit to me a few years ago. She was a solid 10 on the outside level. But I played it cool and did my best to show I wasn't intimidated. It worked in the beginning.

But she got of a relationship with some a violent abusive POS (of course girls like her spread them fast for those guys). She mentioned he was stabbed in a confrontation only a few days before we went on our first date.

We made out plenty of times but she never let me touch home plate (finger banged her once). She said I was moving "too fast". I was dumb enough to buy that lie and said I would take it slow.

Well after 2 months of dating she flaked on a date. I texted her the next day and she said she would "make it up to me". She made it up to me by changing her relationship status on FB to being with a another guy. I was being used as a placeholder all along. The icing on the cake was when she assumed I was okay with the friendzone which makes her so full of shit that the local sewer would look like a ant crap.

As guys we can never let our guard down around beautiful women. Ever. It's best to just be a sociopath if you can manage it.

[backinblack22]

"she got out of a relationship"

[ManOnFire]

@rjroy3 Dude! You're entire description about chicks keeping guys as backup is so disturbingly accurate and what I myself have talked about before. I mean, Jesus, you spelled that out to the T👌👌👌

[rjroy3]

@backinblack22 perhaps, but we can't take our personal experience to then go on to say that is the majority of cases. Not about to pull the "anecdotal" card. Your experience is valid. I'm just saying, there's more to it than that. I've dated girls like that before, granted not exclusively and there's always red flags well before anything happens. Like in your circumstance. If I were talking to a girl who said she got out of a violent situation before meeting me, I would dissect that story lol.

Who were the players involved, what was the scenario, how is she framing it and what is she obviously not telling me. Things along those lines. Nearly anyone will tell you stories without sharing their fault in the matter or telling you the state of the relationship leading up to the explosion. Your situation was very likely avoidable in more ways than perhaps you knew. Not saying it's your fault. I'm saying, perhaps for you it needed to happen that way so that you can learn.

Just saying not to harden your heart or to become too jaded over it. There's a fine line between streetwise and cynical. There's a lot of good people in the world amidst the assholes. Had my fair share of poor treatment in shitty situations. We can grow and become truly better for the experience, without losing our soul.

[rjroy3]

I like to maintain a solid grasp of certain realities, alongside my romantic, optimistic side. For me I think that's the best headspace to be in. Be aware of the world around you, but don't let it make you cynical. a lot of the realities of the world can be avoided, based solely on your intervention. I think too many people and men in particular don't realize how much control and power they have over their own life experience.

I think it's funny tho, because my very first long term, serious relationship ended partly because I did what girls do lol. I had a female friend whom had a thing for me, and I did for her as well. She was someone I was seeing consistently before I made things official with my then girlfriend. Once I went exclusive, I changed the relationship with that other girl to strictly friends, but kept her around in my life.

At the time, I told myself it was okay because I wasn't doing anything and wasn't going to do anything. Also had a hell of an iron will, so I can say with 100% certainty looking back that I wouldn't have. But I can also say, part of the reason I kept her around was because I liked the attention. I liked having a hot ass girl around who wanted me, even tho she wasn't my girlfriend. And I wasn't ready to fully let that go, without more pressure. Like if she got into a relationship with another guy, was seeing another guy. I would have fully respected that and left well enough alone.

My girlfriend didn't like that I had this girl around and it lead to issues. Didn't matter that she also had guys like that in her life. The difference was in her mind, she had guys in the background who didn't stand a chance with her. They were still there for just in case. For me, the girl I had around was a strong contestant for my girlfriend role. I just happened to be in love with my girlfriend which is why I chose her. But had I never met my girlfriend, this other girl would have been my girlfriend first and foremost lol

[rjroy3]

It's interesting now, because today I have more of a relationship with the other girl than I do my old ex. The girl is a successful marketer up in DC. Married to by all accounts a good dude. I'm happy for her. Have wondered what would have happened if I chose her sometimes, but oh well. We both turned out well. No regrets here

[ManOnFire]

@rjroy3 Very honest account, man. I can say that I've known some guys like that before too. I personally haven't really done that. I mean, I've had females as friends that I would sometimes think "well, if things don't work out with this girl then maybe I can try that one" but not exactly in the way women do with keeping guys on tabs for backup.

"a lot of the realities of the world can be avoided, based solely on your intervention. I think too many people and men in particular don't realize how much control and power they have over their own life experience."
- Man, you really talk some deep stuff. One of the few people that does on this site. I think a reason a lot of guys don't realize this is because they're also constantly being told to grab this, go after that, make a move on this girl while you got the chance, jump on that one before it's too late. So a lot of guys act in desperation and fear of losing and losing OUT on opportunities, so they give up a lot of their power by acting on desperation.

[rjroy3]

Yea, I definitely played with the fire a bit. Immaturity on my end more than anything else.

But yea, to your point on rushing to action. On one hand I entirely agree. There's i'm not sure I'd say an expectation but an assumption that just going for it is all that matters. When objectively speaking that's just the first step lol. Definitely need to take action, because failing to take action is failing to get what you want in the end. But that's just a stepping stone to the next step.

Granted for some guys, just making a move is enough at the very least to get them into a good position for something to happen. They're probably in above their head at that point, but nonetheless. A guy who doesn't know what to do, but is in position to make something happen is better off than the guy who doesn't know what to do and isn't even in a position to start lol.

[ManOnFire]

@rjroy3 "A guy who doesn't know what to do, but is in position to make something happen is better off than the guy who doesn't know what to do and isn't even in a position to start lol."
- ALSO what I was recently thinking about too.

[backinblack22]

@rjroy3 yeah I see your point. Truth is my gut was telling me this was possible. I remember her posting bullshit on FB about her dream man being a “cowboy” when we were dating. I told myself not to be paranoid and ignore it.

[rjroy3]

@backinblack22 Totally get it. It definitely feels more tough to do, when feelings are already involved. And unless you have some other overwhelming feeling to support that decision it feels much more difficult to just cut your losses and walk away, while feeling much easier to convince yourself it's not there.

When I think back to all the worst mistakes I made in my life, my intuition/instincts/gut whatever indicated I should do one thing and I didn't listen because of some emotion. Knew full well it was a bad idea, or that I should bail on something. But let my emotions win and I paid for it every time.

[UncleJessieRabbit]

@backinblack22 Maybe it's the way younger women act more to the men only in their age group.

[UncleJessieRabbit]

@rjroy3 If it was shorter-term or casual I would actually deal with a girl deliberately dating down anyway. For medium-or-long term ones I'll stick with trying to find a girl who isn't like that.

[UncleJessieRabbit]

@backinblack22 And I don't necessarily have a personal moral objection to being a sociopath, it depends on what the context of the "sociopathy" is.

[backinblack22]

@UncleJessieRabbit that is true. I think younger women who go after all older guys because their usually more of a gentlemen and nicer too them. But the problem is there are younger guys who have been raised to respect women. Then when a younger women approaches a gentlemen guy her age she's put off that isn't more of a punkass (because she expect him to be).

[backinblack22]

@UncleJessieRabbit she may or may not of been one. But those people have a very nasty skill of gaslighting. I confronted her a few months after about leaving me high and dry. I was a professional athlete at the time (pro mma figher) and I had a fight schedule right after she screwed me over. I told myself to be tough and I didn't complain to anybody. But it hurt... a lot. We were FB friends and she kept posting about how much she loved this guy.

At point I was so beat up in training camp, moody from cutting weight I broke down crying after my trainer pushed me to do additional padwork after hard sparring. It was humilating to break down in front of all the tough guys. My physical exertion wore down my mental resolve. It was just being so disrespected that hurt my self esteem (in my 20s at the time). I lost a the fight (had a tough opponent) by split decision.

A carefully written FB message saying how shitty she was, how much it screwed me up but wished her best of luck. She responded back saying "You were insulting me although I think you didn't realize you were insulting me" and "all I wanted was sex" and "I feel even worse now". For a split second she had me. But a few days later I knew she was full of shit.

The guy she was dating ended up cheated on her. :)

[backinblack22]

*"all YOU wanted was sex"... damn that one typo could of really changed that whole story lol.

[sejla]

It is potentially very harmful to the person that you are going out with.

[anonbrunette99]

I know, I feel awful for it but I’m just terrified of being hurt and it bringing my newly recovered from depression back to surface.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

No.. you don't "feel awful."

You'd stop.

[MysteriousDarkness]

@anonbrunette99
You can't feel over about what you are doing and continue to do it. Either you feel awful about what you are doingand stop or you keep doing this because you do not care how it would make the other person feel.

[sejla]

But leading a guy could be hurtful to him. Maybe he's struggling with confidence and low self esteem and then you end up basically playing a mind game on him. You could put him in a bad place.

[backinblack22]

exactly @sejla. This why you so many angry, confused young men out there. Our society is telling them that "women have it rougher than men" and then see bullshit like this.

[Itsybitsylittleme]

@anonbrunette99 you are terrified of getting hurt but you are willing to hurt someone else in the process I had a guy do that to me I’m not gonna go into details how much it affected me as Gag will remove my comment as some things aren’t allowed to be said on here but I will say this having someone do that to me it really hurt and it messed with my head it’s been 8 years and I have never been able to recover from that person messing with my heart and my emotions and feelings I tried dating after it happened but I was so scared and paranoid that that the new guy I was dating was doing the same thing as the last guy that I ended up sabotaging my relationship and my friendship and I lost him in the end So please as someone who has gone through this shit I am asking you please don’t do this to these guys don’t mess with them it’s so wrong you could end up pushing them to the point where they end up taking their own lives so please stop

[Account]

That is not fair for both of you. Wtf? Lose-lose situation

[Lightning8]

Well your theory might appear to make sense on paper. But to act this out such that it becomes your character, trivializes men. And what this means is that you are undermining what it means to love a human being, and what it means to even be human; because you are further teaching yourself to devalue commitment, and to dispose of benevolent human consciousness. And regardless of whether you are attracted to your partner in the beginning, you are inevitably going to encounter a phase in the monogamous relationship where not only are you not attacted to your partner, but life by their side has also become difficult, requiring you to survive it and stay committed to working issues out.

But your mindset actually isn't uncommon. It's actually a now pervasive tendency to engage in polygamy through sequential relationships. Everyone does it today in the West. But women tend to get away with a lot of the evils they do, because they often operate in moral and social ambiguity. But that's if their evils don't go to the grave. Like for example, it often isn't known to the child until much later, who their real father is, or the irresponsible manner in which they were brought into this world after blaming only the father. Another example is the false notion that women who cheat because they were so emotionally inclined to, are somehow better than men who seem to more impulsively cheat. These social nuaunces are where women are stronger than men; it's in these existential connections between human beings, that few can stand up to their invisible influence, and they have the unique positioning and ability to inflict the deepest wounds. And so I think women have a unique responsibility to demonstrate positive ethics in how the treat, care for and respect others as well as themselves.

[Lightning8]

in how [they] treat

[Lightning8]

"... blaming only the father. [But that's only if their evils don't go to the grave.] Another example..."

[noxius]

Thats kinda rude tbh. You may feel better but you are also fueling the hopes of these "unattractive guys" who may be thinking they found someone who likes them.

Id say to change this habit and try your best with someone YOU wpuld like to be with, worst case you get another chance with another person who fits your taste. And then youl both havr a chance of an actual relationship.

Besides, dating is meant to be a kinda 1st hand experience, can't really train for it. I got nervous, anxious and all those things too. But trust me, youl get over it during the date if its someone you can relax and talk with.

[WalterBlack]

I'm not sure how you date someone that you genuinely are not attracted to. Many people feel that they make compromises in dating. That might mean dating someone less attractive than your ideal partner. But unless you are asexual, I don't know how you can be in a romantic-type relationship with someone that you don't have any physical attraction to. Although, some people might need to feel an emotional connection first before they find the person they are dating to be attractive. Maybe you should redefine what you mean by "unattractive".

[BlackRoseFairy]

So what you are basically saying is that you take advantage and fool guys who are attracted to you, but with whom you don't actually want a relationship, so when you finally find the one you want you can dump them?
How would you feel if you found out that the guy you are dating is only fooling with you to pass his time? It hurts, doesn't it?
The fact that you are not nervous on dates doesn't mean it is a good thing, on the contrary, when you are really and truly interested in someone even a little bit of nervousness is to be expected. Even by the most impassive person.

I never did that, I would never do that. Leading people on for you to pass the time is a big no. Unless that's the person you really want to be. But I must warn you that in the long run it will come back as a boomerang in your face.

[cheapshotbob]

yeah i did once i dated a beautiful person her standards were a bit high and her tastes were a bit refined and she was always making sure i had the right she's or shirt r some new hair style. beautiful people are so superficial.

me being an ugly guy i can appreciate the predicament you are in but dont you think if you develop feelings it would be easy to do that? dont say it does not happen i seen people get married they were not even intending on getting married and there still together years later.

[tjkyle316197]

There's nothing wrong with doing this in terms of the possibility presented with discovery of the person who may give you butterflies and all associative perplexities, but the attraction to the person has to exist even minimally in order to build something real and lasting. A big proponent of attraction for me is what's inside, yet the detractors of the rules to attraction exists sans the governing of shallowness. And despite seeing myself as less shallow than ever it could still be perceived as a stubbornness that is imbued with shallow taste. I'm picky to a point only because if I cannot see myself enjoying the sight of who I'd be waking up to, it's unfair to both myself and the prospective partner I choose.

[girlzruleboyzdrool]

That sounds shallow. You either like someone for who they are or don't. And looks aren't everything. You could date a real asshole and he's hit but if he's chauchy then he's uuuuugly
Find someone who you're attracted to and who's nice
Don't pick someone out like out of a catelogue. Make friends first

[dbr1987]

You are just giving less fortunate genetically blessed men false hope. You only care about your own emotions. You could'nt care less about your replacement material. You are also not happy with yourself because you cannot be alone. Your selfimage in pretty low. You can't handle rejection because it would validate your deep rooted self image. By dating ugly guys you always have the control in your relationship and you like the fact that you can feel better than someone else. And they stay with you when YOU mess up. Actually this is pretty sad..

[MysteriousDarkness]

You do not want to get her so you go for guy you find unattractive and will hurt if someone you believe to be better comes along. The next part is what guys will eventually think of you.

You're always searching, searching for a feeling
That it's easy come and easy go
Oh I'm sorry but it's true
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Takin' all the best of me
Oh can't you see
You got the best of me
Whoa can't you see
You're bringin' on the heartbreak

Seeing that you have been with a criminal who was addicted to drugs just means you have extremely low stands if any at all. On top of that it shows you do not care about yourself. You need to stop dating and work on yourself.

[mrwhite333]

What's attractive to some is not attractive to others. My brother and I go back & Fourth on Angelina Jolie vs Gina Gershon regularly (Gina: you da bomb) unless we're talking Hideous folks. I mean like bog witch looking peeps, looks are a crapshoot on how you will be treated. Nobody around you is going to base your stature on how unattractive he is if he treats you like a lady knows how to conduct himself properly, or flashes around lots of cash. If they do you may need to find better friends. Otherwise some dude who would give you the world just to see you smile will get dumped. And you won't reize it till your lonely and you want something you lost cause you didn't value it when it was yours. But if you just hooking up and calling it dating, forget I said anything and keep going mid tier, the guys who don't get the girl as often try a lot harder in bed. Either way, I hope you find what your looking for.

[guacamoleee]

There's no way around it where this doesn't sound bad. How would you feel if you found out the guy you are dating isn't attracted to you? Exactly. I'll admit it's kind of clever the part where you say this way you never feel nervous or intimidated on dates but then where is the fun and excitement of dating someone. Where is the thing that pushes you and excites you to keep dating this person?

[MrKinktastic]

If we flip it, and you found out a guy dated you because he thought you were too unnattractive to leave. How would you feel?

I think it means you have some insecurities you need to tackle. You’re kind of using these guys because you feel safe with them since you think they can’t leave. It’s not poorly intentioned but it’s a bit shitty.

[Altaïn]

Of all the cancerous things I've seen on this app so far, this post is probably the most fucked. It's literally people like you that burn a bunch of guys and start a whole new generation of dudes that won't trust in a relationship so thanks for that.

[Juxtapose]

^^ this.

[Sarahr123]

Yes that shows you’re probably a sadistic, narcissistic person and you like to control and manipulate people and feel like you’re above them. It’s actually disgusting.

[anonbrunette99]

I’m not sadistic I’m just so afraid of being hurt I don’t want to control anyone I just want to be able to protect my heart

[crazy8000]

You can't protect it!

[Laozi]

What if someone does this to you? Imagine someday you found a guy very attractive and all. You asked him out. He said yes. But after some time he broke up with you because from the start he was finding you unattractive. And now that he got an attractive girl, he breaking off with you. Now tell me would you like that?

[anonbrunette99]

I feel like guys would do that hence why I do it.

[Laozi]

You do that now and some day a guy would to that to you.

[theronaldmcdonald]

Yes. If you are dating you need to date to find love, and be prepared to potentially be hurt. By dating people you are not attracted to you are setting yourself up to not find someone you genuinely like. You’re getting all the rejection without the possibility of finding a love that is worth the hassle of dating.