Have you ever walked away, or sabotaged, a relationship because you were 'afraid' of getting in too deep/falling in love/getting hurt?

[AmandaYVR]

I just witnessed this:

Two guys are friends. They're in the same circles. Not best friends, but close. New girl enters.

All three people are above average in looks though their morality and sexually-driven motivations are pretty suspect. They're all sleeping around a lot.

Anyway, Guy #1, the bartender manager goes out with girl first. It doesn't last long. But they're really into each other. Coworkers talk. He's been sleeping with the staff. He's evasive and non-commital. He's ghosted, jumped around. Some girls warn the girl about him (although some of their motivation is jealousy, as well.) But she's an independent girl, and she doesn't like being told what to do. And, she thinks she is/wants to be special. She goes out with him anyway. They hit it off. Apparently more than with the others. After a short time he asks her, "You wanna be exclusive?" much to her surprise. She is happy. "Yes."

But before things really get going, another third party [helps her out?] by showing her a pic of him with another girl. On a date in a lunch place. She gets pissed. "I thought we were exclusive. You're already sneaking around on me?" "No, that was before. Before we decided. It's over now." But she doesn't believe him, breaks up. Then quickly changes her mind, asks to get back together. He: "No, I don't like the drama." He's also apparently upset about her not trusting him, and listening to outside influences.

Shortly after, she gets asked out by Guy #2, personal trainer. They also hit it off. She likes him "Even more. He's a man, not a boy." Trainer asks bartender friend, "Hey man, you ok with this... if I date her now?" He doesn't say much. He doesn't want it to happen but feels he can't intervene. Time goes by, and now and now guess who comes back? Bartender: "I just want to let you know that I care about you. I want you back." Huh? "I was scared." Of what? "Of falling in love, getting hurt."

Yes, I've done this.

No, I've been in relationships and never done this.

I don't have the relationship experience to comment. Please show me poll results.

[AzureGirl]

My current partner and I both kind of have at one point. For me: we dated unofficially for two months and after every date he would ask me to be his girlfriend. I would always give some unsure answer because I was basically an idiot and holding out for a guy who ghosted me. Eventually I got some sense and said yes to him.

For him: We took a break early in our relationship due to him leaving for college and encountered both freedom and college pressures at the same time. It was just so he could get through the semester without feeling bad for never having time for me. But off and on during the break he would tell he I deserved better and I should leave. I didn’t obviously but it was a hard time.

[aicarg]

No, I'm not one to walk away from a relationship, I'm the one that tries to hold onto it and salvage it. With all the serious relationships I've been in, it was mainly the guy breaking it off with me. I'm not one who's afraid to fall in love, as when I'm in a relationship I fully immerse myself into it - probably why I get really hurt when it ends. Hoping the one I'm in now will last.

[Blueeyes81]

I do it everytime but never i intentionally. The moment I start to feel vulnerable or notice her becoming vulnerable I shut down, not on purpose but more like "shit just got real. I could really get hurt better pull back" and self sabotage. Sucks but I do it every time. I think I don't want to give someone that much power over me. That feeling of being vulnerable, to me, is scarier than just about anything.

[AmandaYVR]

Do you have any desire to change that?

[Blueeyes81]

To some extent. I mean I would love to have a longterm relationship vs the 6 months and under that I'm use to. It would take a woman of incredible patience and percervirence to push through all my layers. But as I age I feel less and less the desire for companionship. More or less I'm happy with how things are currently and I'm also getting set in my ways. Lol

[AmandaYVR]

"More or less I'm happy with how things are currently and I'm also getting set in my ways."
Yes, that will definitely happen. Compromise gets harder, I hear. One establishes themselves and preferences narrow, as we age.

[glenns]

While there were plenty of times I did go back to a girl bc of misunderstanding or I thought the next bitch was hotter, but never really bc I thought I was getting in over my head. I'd just go back bc she was one fine girl, so I begged her back.
Still, wouldn't last long, tho. There are just too many fishes out there. When a hot bitch comes up whispering in ur ear what u gonna do?

[Xoxocutekitty]

I said yes, I've been in situations where I've been more invested and I sort of start picking fights to have open communication about where we actually stand. Typically this happens somewhere between dates 3 and 12 (before its we are defined as a new couple). I used to see it as sabotage because it always "ended" but in reality, I was just preemptively calling bullsh*t on people that were leading me on for access to companionship and sex (vs wanting to know me as a person and be emotionally vulnerable).

I think another point of "sabotage" which is actually weeding out bull, is around the I love you milestone. After someone says I love you maybe within a week or so, assuming they start getting in the habit of saying it regularly, I ask them how do they define love. I know there are different kinds of love and that's okay because if you're still dating you probably haven't reached "higher" levels of interdependent love. Unfortunately at this early stage, Sometimes people give really whack answers that have nothing to do with you as a person but again, revolve around them not wanting to be alone or having consistent access to sex.

I know a lot of people hate "tests" like would you still love me if "x and y". Its unhealthy to do monthly or any sort of regular basis but love shouldn't have "conditions." If someone gains 50 pounds you should still love them, if you can't see them for 6 months you should think them special and be willing to wait. It really shouldn't be a test at all. If anything their hesitation or refusal to answer at all says their love DOES have conditions. and that's the real conversation you want to tackle.

[AmandaYVR]

Interesting points you bring up, kitty.
Especially the first paragraph - that does seem to be bringing things to a head, moreso than sabotage. Do you think this ever backfires and pushes a person from uncertainty/indecision into saying goodbye, or does it always just bring things to the logical conclusion, and prevents time wasted?
Yes, if someone says 'I love you', especially soon, it is definitely a fair question to ask why. Are they enamoured with the idea of a relationship, or is it really the person.

[Sensmind]

A little bit of the reverse I have walked away from "Settling" , it may have developed for me but I was more worried about other person's feelings if I didn't.
Anytime I have walked away for my own feelings , it was pure retreat, the relationship was in the "Titanic" stage and only going one way , down.

[Jjpayne]

My last one, last year. I ended it because I was not completely sure with her and I kind of wanted to continue dating but did not want to hurt her. So I was not wanting her to fall in too deep... So I told her I wanted her to continue dating herself basically and she was at least happy that I told her how I felt

[Lliam]

I walked away from all my early relationships because I didn't want to get tied down. I was in infatuation and thought it was love. But I eventually moved on because I thought I was too young to get in too deep, to get married, have kids, yadda yadda. I was actually right. It was better for everyone involved that I moved on.

[DougRM79]

I believe this happened to me just recently. I've been hurt many times and always wanted to move forward. I was always waiting. She always had an reason for why things couldn't happen. Finally she said I hurt her and made her feel bad so she said she couldn't get over it and said it was over... I still haven't received any answers and I still don't understand what happened...

[AAYUSH0216]

Same here brother.
I mean, which hurt exists in the world which can't be talked out?

[hellionthesagereborn]

That's stupid. That is literally the point of the process, I don't understand why one would do that and then run away. That's like working and then quiting and changing your address before they can give you the check. People are weird and I do not understand them.

[I-am-a-nobody]

This is very foreign to me.
In dating...
If it's good keep moving forward, if it stinks move on.
Admittedly, the characters involved seem pretty promiscuous and shallow.

[Emperorxxxemilio]

Since I’m more mature and have a little bit of humility, I can say I have sabotaged relationships because of my insecurities and of course, being afraid that I’d end up loving the person and then have it end abruptly.

[Zarapeachy]

I do this on a regular. It’s horrible Ik. But I disappear from people so frequently. I do it in the “talking” stage though. If I’m in the relationship, once I really in love, I trying to salvage what I can. Else I disappear 96% of the time

[AAYUSH0216]

Have you ever thought, what the other guys must be thinking?

Like think of a time, when you love a person and then he sabotages you?

[Zarapeachy]

Yes I do. But I have just have a really horrible habit of running away. All the time.

[AAYUSH0216]

Do You fear that you might lose the person who gets close to you?

[AmandaYVR]

Why? Please expand, if you can.

[Zarapeachy]

Everyone leaves, in the short term or long term everyone leaves and somehow I’m the person who gets hurt in the end game. So I just don’t let it reach the far. I don’t get close to people and I don’t allow people to get close to me. I prefer it like that. It’s easier

[AAYUSH0216]

Are you serious right naw?
I have 20 peeps, who are my friends for more than 10 years now.

[elduderinosupreme]

I have walked away several times from people who are more self destructive than me and that's saying something. I'm self destructive and going down a really bad path. I've stepped away because I've learned emotions are bad in high stress situations.

[sawno]

Never have no, but I have purposefully used psychological tricks on girls I had a feeling might like me but that I do not like back to get them to rule me out as a love interest on purpose. Saves broken hearts.

[es20490446e]

I walked away simply because the kind of life I was expecting to get by being around them looked miserable.

[Joey101]

No. But it has happened to me. My ex did that to me and it literally destroyed my ego

[MalcolmNZ]

Zara you sound like you have an avoidant attachment style - you could check out Craig Kenneth on YouTube where he talks about it.
I've on the receiving end of the topic, hurts like hell.

[sensible27]

I think it happens a lot more often than most people realise (by a lot I mean a lot, almost everyday lot). Most relationships would almost work if this were not the case.

[meesegoMoo]

But who is it happening to? I would argue terrible people get terrible outcomes. Not because of divine justice or karma, but because they surround themselves with people as bad as they are.

[sensible27]

It's not really with already existing relationships, it's with potential relationships sort of like opportunity costs. A lot of 'relationships' end before they start and with perfectly good/decent people. They do it to themselves because they have trust issues.

[meesegoMoo]

I was thinking you were talking about the situation she put forth in her post.

[Liam_Hayden]

I have zero tolerance for game playing, so when manufactured drama begins I'm gone like the wind.

[Ericalovescats]

Nah I never did this, never needed too. Most guys got the message if I wasn't interested and stopped trying.

[OpenNudist]

I definitely sabotaged my relationship with Karen because I never deserved her Period!

[OpenNudist]

I didn't go into our relationship exclusive I had no choice but to sabotage our relationship to give her respect

[Anonymous]

Most men rarely walk away from a relationship. Because we're more risk takers. This is a womanly thing to do, so I've noticed. Scepticism usually start from the woman and continues throughout a relationship not to say that all men are certain about their partners but even when uncertainty exists in our mind most men don't act on it.

[VanityFair748]

I have just the opposite experience with men.
whom I dated were too scared to commit and didn't want to make relationship serious, were afraid of drama and responsibilities and wanted to keep relationship intentions vague as long as possible.
I have heard my female friends also complaining how their boyfriends don't want to marry or take any responsibility on themselves.

[Opinion Owner]

Men in this age are almost not the bad guys anymore. Time has changed. Men have become a victim of the system that's almost always in favour of the woman. So there is more risk for us to take a woman serious than just let our guard down because of "love" which is proven to be a temporary state we all experience and does not grant any loyalty or trust.

[hsshannah96]

Maybe

I don’t know I just know that guys I’ve hung around were awful