Do men really send mixed signals or are they simply just not into her?

[coachTanthony]

Men do send mixed signals

Men don't send mixed signals they simply aren't into her

Other (oh no you didn't ) catch me in the comments

see poll ( just here for the mixed signals)

Updates

+1 y

Just a little food for thought! Ha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J7H-BKUUKw

[AmandaYVR]

Great question, Coach.
I'm mostly here to read the male comments, but I'll just add a quick note from myself.
I think men do send mixed signals. When they are unsure. Which is quite often. I think the younger men are, the more conflicted they tend to feel about commitment.
Actually, I could write a whole bunch here. Hmmm.

Men know if they are attracted or not, almost instantly. And they need attraction to proceed. (Girls are similar, but not quite so extreme, or simple on this.)
But that's only the beginning. After that, when contact is made, they spend time together, begin getting to know one another, they start forming more opinions, more impressions. That takes time (for everyone.)
Then what quite often seems to happen is a dance (i. e. conflict, mental arm wrestle) between how quickly he can take things physically with her (often, how receptive she is to that, but that's not the only deciding factor; he's got a vote too) so that he can find out 1. If she's really into him, 2. If there's mutual chemistry, and 3. If he likes her for more than just the physical. At that point he comes to one of three decisions: 1. Nah, not that into her anymore, 2. Wow, she's really turning me on, but I'm not liking the personality, etc., so maybe I'll just sleep with her for a bit, if she's willing, or 3. Hmm, I'm really liking what I see so far. But I wasn't looking for a commitment, really. Now what to do I do? Is she worth giving up, what I thought I didn't want to give up?

Now that whole scenario doesn't include the guys who are looking for a real connection, right from the start. And those guys do exist. And a smaller subset of those are also wanting to wait to get physical. And even smaller subset wait to get married.
But, in general, I find more are the former (1/2/3s.) Guys are not all "dogs." But they're more apt to try and get their sexual needs satisfied while they look for the "great" unicorn type, which they know is not easy to find.

So, no, I don't truly buy the "There are no mixed signals" concept. Because everyone has to go through a discovery process to find out what, exactly, they are facing. Some people are worth sacrificing for; some aren't. And, of course, there is every bit of grey in between.

[coachTanthony]

Yeah for sure all that happens.

Guys are not all "dogs." But they're more apt to try and get their sexual needs satisfied while they look for the "great" unicorn type, which they know is not easy to find.

Do you think they send mixed signals to the "unicorn type?"

[AmandaYVR]

No, generally not. (Although they might tread that cautiously, so as not to spook her, or appear over-eager.)

But my point is that it's like anything in life... when you happen across something you really, really like/love (could be any object, or song, not just a person) and you have a very powerful first reaction, it's an easy decision, right? You buy it, you take it home, you learn about it, you absorb yourself in it.
I don't think that men play games, typically, on purpose, or in order to manipulate (unless it's avoidance - they're quite adept at that one, so as to not be caught/ensnared.) (I do think girls play games more, such as playing 'hard to get' a bit, but there are some semi-valid reasons to that, as they worry about their reputation sexually more and if he will still find her desirable once he's got her, etc etc.) But unicorns are by their very nature rare (that's why I used that term) and other decisions are more unclear. And most things in life fall into this latter category.

[AmandaYVR]

I think men know the full weight of commitments. They're often wary of them, because of this. It's an emotional, time, and financial investment (not necessarily in that order, it depends on circumstances.) They're taking on responsibility and the emotional happiness of a partner, while they feel also giving up on freedom and future sexual partners. So their initial interest might be more straightforward, but in general, they are often indecisive, or conflicted, about the longer term of things. (This is why I think men need to continue being the ones who propose marriage. They should never be coerced into it.) I don't want anything from a man unless he wants to give it. I am very, very careful with that. Whatever he gives will mean very little if it didn't come from his own volition, from his own mind, and heart.

by the way, Coach, you somehow manage to ask very, very good qs. I am always surprised at the consistency of them going deep, in the end.
Plus, you're a good moderator.

[coachTanthony]

Yeah I hear ya on the marriage part. So important. And Hey thanks I do my best! :+)-

[Gisellepinkbaby]

Unless he’s mature and established in his life and WANTS a commitment. So, what you wrote applies to the “younger” ones, which is precisely why women should not date “boys” who still think they have “time” to settle down etc.

[little_bird1]

No they don't send any signals. But there is this "grey zone" that women are nuts about, and that's when he likes us, but just not that much. I separate men's interest into 3 categories: crazy about me, kinda likes me and not interested. "Kinda likes me" is a grey zone that is most popular because men kinda like almost every women. We are aware of this and then our instincts make us want to MAKE him go from kinda likes us to crazy about us, which usually never happens. So women confuse that grey zone with mixed signals. It takes maturity and experience to ignore the grey zone because, especially if you want a relationship. When it comes to men, the only "signal" I pay attention to is either fuck yes or no.

[little_bird1]

And when he is crazy about me it'll be a big fuck yes and very obvious.

[little_bird1]

But I got to admit that it's hard when someone that we feel a strong chemistry with (usually a hot guy) puts us into that grey zone. It's hard to say no when he starts flirting! Women are not much different when it comes arousal, but we are at higher risk of getting hurt because of our hormones and feelings connected to sex. I wasn't strong enough couple of times on that note; I was in a heat and he was hot and fuck it I surrendered, knowing that it's gonna suck the next day.

[coachTanthony]

It seems as if women get turned off by men who express an interest in a woman... it's almost like it's not a challenge or something... so when the mixed message guy comes along the ego can't handle him not wanting her like the other men do.

[Silver158]

I've had women confuse "the grey zone" with "crazy about me"

[Silver158]

@coachtanthony Exactly and when they decide that the man is done even if he never wanted her that much in the first place.

[coachTanthony]

@Silver158 Yes it Cat String Theory. What happens when the cat catches the string? The cat is no longer interested.

[Silver158]

@coachtanthony ahhh didn't know it had a name. The thing is when you "move on" (using that loosely because wasn't that interested in the first place) they then want you again. I feel that blanket terms such as narcissists and egomaniacs or even the dreaded "psycho" are more fitting than anything else tbh.

[coachTanthony]

@Silver158 Well it's GAG... it's loosey Goosey here! LOL

[guesswhoseback]

Spot

[guesswhoseback]

Spot on

[guesswhoseback]

Men are not as good about keeping their cards close to their chest on this. Testosterone levels and not understanding “the game” makes us easy to read.

Truth is most women like CHALLENGE and get turned off/scared real quick if a guy is too open about his feelings (early in the dating process). There is a point though when a guy has to cut this shit out. But in the beginning it’s sadly necessary. Even if she likes him a lot, him wearing his heart on his sleeve turns off about 90%+ of the women out there.

Doc Love says only 3% of men naturally understand this game. The rest of us just learn lots of hard/unfair lessons.

It’s funny that the girls who always liked me the most were the ones I was “sorta” into. I really didn’t care strongly one way or another if they liked me that much. Yeah I liked them but I didn’t lose sleep thinking about them. That made it easy to be myself around them because I wasn’t worried about doing something stupid to turn them off.

Nervousness in men sadly is a much bigger turnoff to women than vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anyone whos attractive ironically sends mixed signals lol.
In other words if you find them attractive your brain is going to create some kind of connection that doesn't exist.
I do think guys are generally more straight forward about their feelings than women. So it surprises me how many women on this site don't get the hint. Most the time i can tell the guy ISN'T interested just by reading their post lol. Or as Garret Morris would say

https://www.youtube.com/embed/EYwB38Vsh7A

[coachTanthony]

Ha ha Ha love it.

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

I don't think men send "mixed signals". Some are just into you temporarily when they're horny. (Especially when they contact you only after they see your photos.) If the topic they talk is all about sexual stuff, that's a clear sign he doesn't care you as a person or a potential long term partner.

Don't expect anything from a man who can't even talk to you like a friend. However, beware of ones who approach you too quick. 80% of them might already have their own women. You are not special to them. You just seem to be the most available person to go to while they are failing at communicating to their partner, and that's all.

[Dali-chan]

There’s that saying:

[coachTanthony]

There ya go!

[Kurαȷ]

Correct.

[Knighted2170]

Guys can send mixed signals.

Now I didn't watch the video, just be clear.

Example, a guy can like a girl but is playing it too cool. She can't figure out if he likes her or not.

He can be using a sincere or a form of polite flirting that leaves her wondering if he was flirting at all.

I've even seen a guy do traditional flirting one day with a girl, but not the next.

He might not be "into" her, but is trying to just to be nice. That could also be misinterpreted.

Yes, guys can send mixed signals.

[ajeazyk]

Nah. I think most "signals" aren't even real at all. Most of the time they are made up in the mind of whoever notices these "signals". For example a guy might notice a girl smile at him and might take that as meaning she likes him however that doesn't mean she likes him at all.
Her "signal" that she liked him in the form of smiling at him was made up in his head. She was just simply smiling.
So I don't think you should say do men send mixed signals or do women send mixed signals but rather "Do women interpret signals incorrectly" Or "Do men interpret signals incorrectly"

What I'm trying to say is I don't think signals getting mixed are the fault of the person sending them but rather the person receiving them.

[Anonymous]

I've heard os mnay people say mixed signals mena they're not into you, and I always believed it. Until I started to analyse my own feelings once iwth a guy I REALLLLY liked, but just didn't feel ready to get involved with at thta point in my life, I've no doubt I was unintentionally sending mixed signals looking back, and that didn't mean I didn't want him like crazy, just that I had a lot going on thta scared me if I took a chance an dit didn't work out because of everything else.

[coachTanthony]

I think if a guy said that he would be lying. How many times has a guy said he really liked someone but had other things going on to then pour all his time and effort into someone else a month later. Too many times.

[Opinion Owner]

Well I've certainly not been pouring myself into anyone other than myself. Guys really never feel like they're at a point in life where they can't commit to someone because of other unpredictable life circumstances?

[Opinion Owner]

I'm sure some men have genuinely wanted to get careers etc sorted first before fully committing to someone.

[coachTanthony]

If the guy is into them they don't care about life circumstances unless it's a medical issue or something really crazy. Guys will always use that as an excuse because they just aren't into the woman.

[coachTanthony]

Because nobody meets their sweet heart in college as they are both figuring out their lives. Guys may wait to get married or something but they are not passing you up until they get that manager spot at mickey D's.

[Opinion Owner]

That doesn't even make sense. PHDs are extremely demanding, relationships take effort (well, successful ones anyway). We're not talking about teens working pointless jobs, well at least I'm not anyway.

[coachTanthony]

So if you really liked a guy and he said I really really like you but... I am working on the Ph'd so... sorry can you wait for me? Or maybe we could just hook up for a couple of years until I am finished then I will treat you like someone I really like? It's all smoke and mirrors.

[Opinion Owner]

No guy would expect me to wait (as I wouldn't expect them to either, I'd want them to be genuinely happy, whatever that meant, even if it were my loss). Sometimes life happens. And if it's meant to be it will, those kinds of feelings don't just fade away completely, despite life's hurdles. I work in a profession where its highly stressful and estremely demanding. Why do you think so many doctors only date doctors or are single? Life isn't always easy for everyone.

[Opinion Owner]

*extremely

[Opinion Owner]

I obviously don't see it that way because I don't go around using people.

[coachTanthony]

Doctors date doctors out of convenience. This is why so many cops date cops and why pilots date flight attendants. Proximity.

[Opinion Owner]

Definitely not true. We come into contact with all sorts of people. We need people who understand the demands of the job enough to be supportive an dunderstanding for the most part. You're trying to preach on something you obviously know little about now.

[coachTanthony]

Thanks for the comments.

[anon1903]

Men normally think of themselves as "direct predators". But they're not quite there - we've them in diff samples : sweet guys, insecure guys, shy guys, weird guys... Introverts but let's not chain them to that term, shall we?

As we expect them to make the first move, guys oft forge this anxiety in head. Will my efforts be appreciated? Is it too forward? Too awkward? Will she reciprocate? What if my advances are rejected... What then?

And this " brush off"... It turns certain women on... Or off. While some as I, remain neutral. Let him take his time. If you can't wait, do something about it!

[navyrobin]

Only young people in their teens do this. If they still do that in their 20s or older they’re just immature or insecure.


Teen guys do send mixed signals, but it is a way of finding out whether she’s interested or not. Teen girls do the same thing, because they don’t want the guy to think she’s too willing or too interested. This comes from a fear that he might stop pursuing her, so she’s careful about it. But it can be confusing for both.


I’ve only been with guys who were very clear from the start. I don’t need to waste my time on indirect messages and interpret them. That is just so dumb. Sure, we can be nervous around each other a little bit if we’re very into each other, but mixed signals? I don’t appreciate that.


But I do believe women overthink the signals more, especially if she likes the guy a LOT.

[Unit1]

I do not think we "send signals".
Some girls ask questions like "He looked at me and then he looked away then he looked at me again and then he looked away. What does it mean?" like girl, you may as well ask "he was breathing 30 times in a minute and then he breathes 35 times in a minute". What does it mean?

It means you are BORED and you need a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Neither. Women can receive mixed signals regardless of the guy's intent. Anywhere on the scale of zero interest to fully enamored is a possible value.

[Opinion Owner]

Furthermore each women will read it differently and won't agree on what any of it means. Probably the only consistent point is that they agree it means *something*. But really even that is nonsense, and whatever they think is happening is likely just meaningless noise being misinterpreted.

[coachTanthony]

Maybe they enjoy the drama. Maybe women get turned off by guys actually showing a genuine interest in them?

[Opinion Owner]

Nah, I don't think they enjoy it. I think they're just mired in it. Much like how people can't help but notice faces in objects, it seems like women can't help but feel they *need* to pull a signal, any signal, even from noise. Not all women of course, and men can do it too, the trends are just weighted toward women.

Saying they get turned off by genuine interest in them is perhaps a little too toxic an interpretation. I think the issue is their conception of what genuine interest is differs from what it really is in a guy's experience. That is to say, they expect to be appreciated in a particular way -- naturally, this is coloured by their own psyche -- but the reality of men's attraction is different from how they would prefer it to be. That's the real discrepancy. What is a genuine interest from men will often be seen as a flawed interest that women can find distasteful.

[coachTanthony]

Yes it's definitely different in their heads. It's a fine line like Soup and Stew. We all see things differently.

[AmandaYVR]

Well done on the subsequent analysis.

[InferiorElegy]

Guys don't send signals at all, we only look for signals from females.
If we like a girl, we tell them, sending signals as a guy is pointless and we know it.
If a girl is reading "mixed signals" chances are she's been friendzoned, the guys probably treating her a certain way but not making a move because he only sees her as a friend or sister type, whereas she's probably thinking "this guys being nice and treating me this way because he wants to get in my pants but why isn't he making a move?"

[Shevach]

Hell I was sending mixed signals to 2 girls once in order to sort of flip the script in power dynamic and to keep them guessing, but hell I was listening to some advice I shouldn't have.
And with the first girl I didn't succeed bcs she was kind of more distant from me than the second one.
Hell and with second one I was sending mixed messages bcs I kind of wanted to punish her for some bad behavior, and that way flip the script at power dynamic which I managed to successfully do.
Some dudes will give mixed signals, if they do that it usually means that they want your attention, but nothing serious, if a dude is really into you, he comin upstairs, meeting or not.

[Kurαȷ]

If a woman isn't sure whether a man likes here then he:
1. Doesn't like her.
2. Hasn't really paid much attention to her, but may give her a chance/use her if she makes it easy for him by making the first move.
3. Perhaps likes her, but she definitely won't like him because he is insecure, bitter or has some other issue that prevented him from being direct about his interest.

All in all, I think if it is not obvious, the woman just shouldn't bother.

[RaeTay]

Yes they do , men send mixed signals because they’re unsure if they want to be with you or not most of the time they don’t.

[coachTanthony]

Okay but isn't that just them saying hey... here is a mixed signal... I am just not that into you?

[Bananaman177]

I've literally never sent any signal and neither has any other dude, that's the funny part.

The signals aren't "mixed," they're completely made-up and imaginary.

[KingdomForAKiss]

"Mixed signals" are an interpretation of another person's actions, usually denying the clear evidence to make yourself feel better. MOST of th time, the actions and words are pretty clear.
If someone is claiming mixed signals, that person is (most likely) not that into you. If someone wants to be with you, there's not usually any doubt.

[Bluemax]

And it's a power play for the opposing team in the third period! Fifteen seconds to go and the score is tied! But what's this? What's this? KingdomForAKiss steals the puck! Oh! She makes a break!!! She drives hard and fast down center ice! Dodges that check. Look at her go! OH! TUSSLE AT THE NET!!! 3 SECONDS!!! AND... GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!

This is spot on. Most people, quite understandably, don't want to read the signs.

[Silver158]

or they're playing games because they like it and still aren't into you.

[KingdomForAKiss]

Haha Bluemax! You know I like the hockey analogy!

@Silver158 They're into you enough to want to get physical but not enough to want a relationship/to date.

[Silver158]

@kingdomforakiss or just want attention/to feel good about themselves.

[slatyb]

Mixed signals? The signals aren't mixed, but they may be difficult for some to understand. If a guy is giving a woman attention, even if it's just staring across a room, but not asking her out, then he's interested but insecure and afraid to ask. I was a shy guy but after a bad marriage I started dating online. Suddenly it seemed easy. I could tell whether a woman was interested, whether she wanted to be kissed.

[evangeline777]

When they don't actually know what they want, they send mixed signals.
Example is my sister's friend/crush. He was all over her, they went on dates too but he went quiet for days sometimes and a lot of other stuff.
At the end they agreed to stop seeing each other. He said he really liked her, he just didn't want to be in a relationship. He's still single, for 4 years now.

[kitty71]

Ohh my god evangeline77 your sister crush story is 100% like the one I had exactly the same

[silvermoon84]

Both actually. A decent man simply isn’t into the girl and won’t send her any mixed signals. Assclowns will still send a girl mixed signals without any intent of dating her to keep her around for an ego stroke or for easy sex. If the woman has a half a brain or any sense of self worth, she won’t tolerate this behavior.

[Gisellepinkbaby]

But they still get their hearts broken even if they don’t intend on “committing”.

[Anonymous]

Men don't send signals. Women do.

Women assume men send signals and get confused when the things they think are signals are not consistent.

Of course they weren't consistent. THEY WERE NOT SIGNALS. You just assumed they were.

[Smoothing]

I wouldn't pay much attention to what is implied in movies.

The don't necessarily apply to reality. They are really just for entertainment.

There are many reasons for particular behaviour while dating shyness is one which is very common but often ignored because oooh! Men are never nervous