My ‘boyfriend’ is sometimes cold and distant towards me?

[Anonymous]

He swears that he really cares about me and wants to be with me, and any time he realises he’s upset me he gets really upset himself.
Sometimes he is really affectionate and makes me feel really loved, but other times he is cold.
For instance, sometimes he will hardly text me for a few days and other times when we are together in person he will be reluctant to hold hands and be stand off-ish with me, like he has his guard up.
I have spoken to him about this and he sincerely apologised and seemed very sad that he had upset me. He seemed to really take on board what I said and improved for a while. He said that when he is distant towards me its not because of anything to do with me , its just that he has a lot on his mind at the moment (which to be fair, he does).

It is difficult because I do recognise that he is going through a very difficult time but at the same time for my own emotional well being its difficult dating someone who doesn’t meet my emotional needs.

I fear that if i bring it up again I’ll look needy or like im not being understanding to his personal circumstances.

[paullingren]

I'm gonna tell you exactly what's missing for him because I've had the same experience with myself before.

Shame.

When he's upset you, it triggers feelings of "I'm not compassionate enough."
"I'm not caring enough."
"I'm not enough"

Shame is one of those things people don't talk about and it's getting worse with everyone, not just your boyfriend. He needs to know that he's enough as a person, and you want to be there for him. That he's worthy of happiness...

When he said it's because of him that's 100% true. He's got a lot of repressed pain in his life that he's doing his best to deal with, and every time you show him you're sad because you're not getting the affection you expect, he feels those "not good enough" feelings creep up and pulls away.

Show him he is good enough.