Please answer dating questions for me. I'm clueless?

[Anonymous]

I just graduated from college. But I've never dated much. Because I'm ridiculously shy and awkward. And everyone I went to college with was also really shy and awkward. I went to a nerd school. So barely anyone at my college dated, especially what with Covid.

I got Tinder on Sunday, because I wanted to date, and I was sick of being single and hoping to meet someone in person. And I went out with a guy who I really like. He was a bit touchy. And it wasn't bad or unpleasant, I'm just paranoid and don't know how to tell if that's normal or if he just wants sex. He asked if I wanted to go to his place after dinner, and I couldn't tell if he would try to escalate things again. (We went there earlier after mini-golf, because we had some time to kill before dinner, and he went a teeny bit further with the grabbiness than I was completely comfortable with, but immediately stopped when I didn't reciprocate it.) I don't think he would do anything. But I didn't know, and I'm really bad with confrontation, especially with people I like, so I just went back home. Here are the questions.

because questions with pictures get more answers

1. How touchy is it normal to be on a first date, when you're looking for an actual relationship?

2. I don't want him to think I'm not interested. And I get the sense that he might think that, because I went home relatively early. How soon should I reach out to say that I would like to see him again. We already said that before I left. But still.

3. At what point is it less awkward to ask someone exactly what they're looking for? I know he likes me. He made that much clear. I'm just not sure if we're looking for the same thing.

I really like him. He's nice, and cute, and smart. And he has a kitten. And I don't want to ruin things just because I'm not comfortable moving as fast as he might want to.

Updates

+1 y

P. S., he specifically picked where we were going because he wanted something that would let us talk and get to know each other. Which is why I think he is looking for an actual relationship. And that he is just used to things moving a lot faster than I'm comfortable with.

I made the mistake of telling my mother his name, and she looked him up like a total creep. He had a girlfriend last year. Maybe that's why. Maybe he's used to being already established with someone. Maybe. I don't know.

[OlderAndWiser]

"1. How touchy is it normal to be on a first date, when you're looking for an actual relationship?" Tinder is known as being a hookup site and it is more likely that this guy is looking for sex, not an LTR. There is a wide range of first-date behavior. I have had a first date which ended with a girl shaking my hand, and I have had a first date that ended with me waking up in her bed the next morning.

"2. I don't want him to think I'm not interested." Most guys want to do the chasing but there is the possibility that he has decided you are not an easy opportunity for sex and he won't call you again. Next time you see a cute cat, take a picture and send it to him with a short note that says, "I saw this little guy and thought of your cat." He will know that means "hoping to hear from you soon." If he doesn't contact you within 4-5 days after the first date, the odds are that there won't be a second date.

"3. At what point is it less awkward to ask someone exactly what they're looking for?" I'm asking a girl questions about that on a first date. There's no sense in wasting time if you two don't want to go in the same general direction. It is only awkward because of your lack of dating experience. Ask these questions a few times and it becomes much easier.

"4. I really like him. He's nice, and cute, and smart. And he has a kitten. And I don't want to ruin things just because I'm not comfortable moving as fast as he might want to." Okay, you like him, but you also don't know him very well, so don't get yourself too invested in this guy.

Think about changing to a site that is not so notorious for hookups. Ask a guy friend to read your profile and give you his honest impressions after reading it. Projecting the right impression attracts the right kind of guy and gives you a greater chance of finding what you are looking for.

[Asker]

I like the idea of the cat picture. The kitten is adorable. He's a baby.

And I don't think my profile would make people think I'm looking for a hookup. In my first picture I'm wearing a dress and a cardigan, plus a pretty chunky headband. My profile also includes references to Harry Potter, photos from choir trips where I'm wearing a puffy coat that weighs as much as me and goes down to my knees, and pictures with me and my friends being goofy. In one of the pictures I'm holding a stuffed animal (it's not mine, it's a choir thing). And I have a picture of me hugging my mom. If anything I think I come across as a total nerd.

I'm mostly on Tinder because it's popular with people my age. One of my friends recommended Bumble, but Bumble makes the girl start the conversation, and I'm really shy and awkward. I'm fine having conversation. It's just starting them that freaks me out, since I start questioning if the person actually wants to talk to me. Also, Tinder is more bi-friendly than a lot of dating apps. What apps would you recommend?

[OlderAndWiser]

I have had good luck on POF and Zoosk but the apps that work in your age range may be quite different.

[OlderAndWiser]

I have had good luck on POF and Zoosk. Those sites may not work as well at your age.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I'm actually surprised with everything you've said about your inexperience with guys, why you would risk going to his place without getting to know him properly first. You took one HECK of a chance.
I know it is off topic but would I be out of line in suggesting you be more careful in future?

[Asker]

I know. It wasn't exactly my plan to end up at his place. I kind of panicked. He had asked me to pick what time to meet, and I picked something on the earlier end, because I haven't been mini golfing since I was a kid and for some reason I thought it would take a lot longer than it did. And there was quite a bit of time before it would be reasonable to get dinner. And we live in a pretty rural area, so there aren't many places to go.

Do you have suggestions for situations like that? Because I just couldn't think of anything else to suggest. So I just agreed with what he said. He said he could introduce me to the kitten.

Also, in my defense, my family knew who I was with. And he knew that they knew. So he would have to be pretty stupid to try anything really bad.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I wasn't attacking you for it, honest. I just hear so many terrible stories these days that you just cannot be too careful.

[Asker]

I know. I didn't think it was an attack. And even if it was one, I wouldn't have been upset by it. Since I wasn't planning on ending up there anyway. I ended up there because I'm awkward, which I'm already aware of, as it's part of the reason I'm on the app in the first place.

But do you have any ideas for things to say when there isn't really much else to do? Everything was fine with this guy, but still. I wouldn't like to end up in the same situation again with someone else. But I'm still struggling to think of what else we could even have done.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Movies? Bowling? Taking a boat out? Go on to google to see what is going on in your area on any given day?

[MTC29]

He's already touching you on a first date? That's presumptuous. Of course he wants sex; he's making obvious. What you want to do is the bigger question.

[Asker]

I mean, he's not ridiculously touchy. He was mostly just very kissy. The thing that freaked me out a bit was that he grabbed my leg. I'm pretty sure he was just trying to move me. I think he was trying to get me on his lap. But again, I didn't do that, and I kind of moved away, so he stopped trying. But he wasn't any less cuddly after that. And we still got dinner, and he invited me over again afterward.

I figured he wanted sex. I'm just not sure if that's all he wants, or how long he's willing to wait for that. Because I'm fine getting there eventually. Just not on a first date. And honestly probably not on a second or third date either.