If a girl isn't interested in a guy, what's the most respectful way she should turn him down?

Question

I'm just curious. This is for guys and girls to answer.
Us guys have all been there. You really like a girl, but she rejects you. It SUCKS.
What's the nicest, most respectful way a girl can let a guy know she's not interested without coming off rude or aggressive about it?

Answer 1

globetrotter22 | 170 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 6

What women often to fail to understand that the lack of respect of the man’s position is actually worse than the rejection itself. Mature men are used to rejection.

We are like to door to door salesman and it’s sink or swim for vast majority of us. But we know each no will eventually lead to a yes. However if we keep the door rudely slammed on us or worst of all have our time & energy exploited with no commission (friendzoned) then we can and will get jaded.

So ladies listen up. The man’s ego needs to be RESPECTED. How do you respect him? By saying something like this:

“Hey so and so. I think I owe to you to be honest. I think you are cool guy and I respect you for approaching me. However I thought about this carefully and the truth is I am just not interested. I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear. But again I am saying this because again I owe to you to be fair”.

Do not do the following (considering he was polite):

1. play dumb
2. ghost/ignore him
3. drop insulting “hints” (talk about other guys you like)
4. Tell him details about why you are not interested (unless he asks for them)
5. Tell him you are “too busy” (bullshit)
6. Be really bitchy to him
7. Last but not least ask him to “just be friends”. This might seem innocuous to you but to guys it’s very insulting. Even if he acts like he is okay w/ that he’s not and deep down you know it.

React

2 People

SkyCastle90

3 mo
I find 2 and 7 conflicting. If he wants to be more than friends, why stay in contact after she says no?

As for number 7, my disconnect might be due to my sexuality (demisexual). I don't lust after my crushes ever; so staying friends is incredibly easy for me. To help me understand, why is a friendship seen as an insult?
globetrotter22

3 mo
@SkyCastle90

#2 some women will make initial contact with a guy they know who likes them. That for whatever reason (sadly fickle) they will ghost the guy when decide they don’t want to date him.

#7 alright thank you for explaining your POV. But this is a major issue. Huge one. Probably the number one or two gripe men have about women on GAG.

Just because you are “demisexual” it doesn’t mean the person who is interested in you is. The guy feels attraction and that’s not something he had a choice about. He takes the risk of approaching, getting your contact info, setting a date (usually paying for it), risking the first move, etc. At any point the woman can reject him and that’s totally fine.

However the attraction he feels is not something he can just flip off like a light switch. He might of just been on the fence or it might be a huge crush. Either way it’s a natural biológical impulse people feel in their brains. Of course that doesn’t mean he or anybody is entitled to have it gratified. But it’s there.

Now why exactly should he stay “friends” with you at this point? Tell me exactly how that benefits him? I can give a long list on how it will harm him but please tell me how it would benefit it him?

I can be friendly with women who reject me (if they were polite about it) but definitely not friends. I don’t “hate” them for rejecting me but I don’t like them either. It is what it is.
ParkRangerDan

3 mo
Alright, so I had to break out the beer for this one. I have 2 questions and an opinion. 1. Why do you explain platonic relationships with such a jaded outlook? 2. Who's choice is it that the man initiates the romantic interest?

A decent human being would quite simply just call that person their "friend" as opposed to becoming passive aggressive due to the lack of that person not reciprocating their romantic feelings. Why make it the woman's prerogative to be polite and have all these rules? Are there some rules that a man should have in the case of friendzoning a woman? or is there a double standard here?

tl:dr
Just because you can't fuck someone, doesn't mean they can't be your homie. You can even fuck homies.
Show All Show Less
SkyCastle90

3 mo
@globetrotter22

I understand needing space after rejection; but the questions below have a different tone.

"Now why exactly should he stay "friends" with you at this point? Tell me exactly how that benefits him?"

With that mindset, why have friendships at all. Or is this only toward women; and if it is, are we that useless that if it's not involving sex or child bearing/rearing, then fellowship is completely pointless?

It feels socially inept to think this way.
MCheetah

3 mo
@SkyCastle90
In short, if a woman doesn't like you enough to date you, then she probably doesn't like you enough to be friends, either. And no man wants a constant reminder of someone he can't have, around in his life. Asking to be friends is disingenuous at best, and insulting at worst.
SkyCastle90

3 mo
@MCheetah

Why should women who genuinely want friendships be punished over a generalization based upon poor personal choices when selecting a partner?

That mentality reminds me of this chick: If someone says to you they don't have time for a relationship, what would you do? ↗

The guy gave her a polite rejection; yet her response was to get angry and cut him out her life. With that type of thinking why not just say it how it is, "Well, thank for being honest with me, but now you're nothing because I can't f*ck you like how I hoped. No; I can't be friends with nothing. You're nothing. Bye."
globetrotter22

3 mo
@ParkRangerDan to each his own man. But tbh I have had only one true long time platonic female friend in my entire life. It works because while she is attractive in her own way she’s just not my type. We initially met up for business reasons.

Every other woman who I ever accepted as a “friend” has always been a liability in my life. Even the ones I was on the fence about. Reason being is when hanging out I feel an unspoken pressure to watch over them, give them advice, etc. Even when getting food I notice the service always hands me the bill first. Not that I will ever one way pay everything for a female friend. But also she is more likely to ask for my help for manly things (moving heavy things, car trouble, business advice, etc.). Not that I don’t mind helping friends but the dynamic is usually in the woman’s favor.

But anyway when a man approaches a woman (or vice versa) there is a dynamic both sides can recognized. That’s not something the interested person can easily switch off. They can control it but it’s still there.

Also about vice versa. Yes when I was much younger I was hypocritical a few times about this. But after 30 I treated all woman I was not interested in the way I wanted to be treated. Tactfully direct. Let them know where I stand.
globetrotter22

3 mo
@SkyCastle90 I have had some women get very nasty and upset with me after I politely rejected them. One time actually got scary. Long story (and metoo story of the genders were reversed) but I was nervous she might do a false accusation bs so I had to be all placating and nice and it was ridiculous.

But does that mean I am going to be “scared” about how future women will react if I reject them? No. I am still going to treat them the exact same way I would want to be treated.
globetrotter22

3 mo
@ParkRangerDan also have you ever had a woman change her mind about you after friendzoning? I have never once in my entire life had that happen. Ever. Never gotten sexual with a woman after she told me she just wanted to be friends and I was dumb enough to keep in contact with her
ParkRangerDan

3 mo
The fact that there is a dynamic simply because you are a man and they are a women is telling. Personalities determine dynamics, not gender. Also, have you ever gotten advice from one of your women friends? Have you ever allowed yourself to truly be a friend and let go of the perceived societal pressure that you have put upon yourself? Also, I've had one girl change her mind after friendzoning me and that turned into a 2 year relationship. And if she were to hit me up and be like "Nigga, I'm on heroin and in jail. Oh and pregnant by a Mastiff." I would remind her of what dumb decisions she has made and attempt to help her out. Because that's what humans are supposed to do.
globetrotter22

3 mo
@ParkRangerDan I am actually quite a thoughtful person. I would agree with your insights above in any other scenario expect when I am attracted to a girl and she doesn’t feel the same way.

I’ve gone through roughy five long term “friéndzone” situations in the past. In every single situation I got taken advantage of. The straw the broke the camels back was incident that happened 3 years ago. I had reunited with a woman (yes grown ass woman year older than me) who I dated briefly about a year and half earlier. We started hanging out again just “as friends” but their was subtitles. Long story short but she did something to insult me in front of my family (after showing up on my doorstep in another state). Maybe I can DM you what happened in you got patience. But the bottom line is she saw me as an orbiter to exploit for her own selfish piece of shit needs. That was the last time I ever went along with friéndzone bs.

But hey you said you were able to create a 2 year relationship with that girl who initially friendzoned you? Well good for you man. But I have never had a success story like that. Women can be emotionally flexible on things but in my experience when they decide to never see you as more than a friénd it’s GAME OVER. They have solid finality on that decision from my POV.
MCheetah

3 mo
@SkyCastle90
"Why should women who genuinely want friendships be punished over a generalization based upon poor personal choices when selecting a partner?"
How is rejecting a guy any less different than saying:

No one wants to be "friends" with someone who just told them they're inferior/unworthy of her time or attention. Especially self-respecting men in the 2020s, because that would just make them a simp to be used by her.

You're literally doing mental gymnastics to turn the heartbreaker into the "victim" when she (or he) was the one who indirectly told the other person that they're not a good enough person for her (or him). It's even worse when the rejected is someone who ha established history with the rejector, but the rejector will still choose a random stranger over the rejected.

WHY would anyone want that person as a "friend" after that? Do you stay friends with the boss who just fired you yesterday?
MCheetah

3 mo
@SkyCastle90
(it didn't paste in the last message)

How is rejecting a guy any less different than saying:

"Thank for being honest with me, person I've known for a while now, but you're nothing to me because you weren't born with good enough genetics or had the kind of life to make you exhibit traits I find sexy enough to take a chance on, like I would with random strangers who were born with the right genetics and charisma I like. You're nothing to me, but hey, you can stick around and be my simp and do all the tedious boyfriend stuff without any of the positives, if you want."

No one wants to be "friends" with someone who just told them they're inferior/unworthy of her (or his) time or attention. Especially self-respecting people in the 2020s, because that would just make them a simp to be used by them.
globetrotter22

3 mo
@SkyCastle90 “ With that mindset, why have friendships at all. Or is this only toward women; and if it is, are we that useless that if it's not involving sex or child bearing/rearing, then fellowship is completely pointless?”

I am just trying to understand this confidence (literally entitlement) women have that they must be friends with a guy who likes them but they don’t feel the same. You can be friends with literally anyone else. But WHY do so many women insist that they should be friends with the guy they rejected?

The best case scenario why is that the woman “feels bad” and naively believes she is letting the guy down with gentle hands. A way not to “hurt him” (in reality it’s the worst thing she can do).

However more often than not she knows that he will be more likely to bend over backwards for her given she has emotional leverage on him. She knows a part of him is hoping she will change her mind and she can use that to her advantage. This is insidious and it happens why to often. Some men do this to women too but it’s much less common.
SkyCastle90

3 mo
@MCheetah @globetrotter22

Victim mentality? What on earth... There shouldn't be victims in any of these scenarios.

When you approach someone, whether female or male, you're asking that individual out. That person is neither the ambassador of their gender nor can speak for every woman or man, they're just a person. However, you're responsible for who you pick and how to go about it. If you're always encountering a terrible person who will use you or mistreat you, then you're not picking your potential partners correctly. It's easy to divide the issue into a gender war, the differences between the sexes, but is it going to get you anywhere closer to finding a good partner? No. Personally, if I never figured this out for myself, I wouldn't have met and asked out my now fiancé.

Friendships shouldn't be seen as a consolation prize either if you have someone who can be a true friend to you. One of my bestfriends is a guy who liked me a lot in high school, and it was horribly one sided for a while, but not in the way you assume. Why didn't we date? It's not because he was unworthy/inferior; I had an abusive family and balancing their bullshit on top of a relationship just didn't sit well with me (I had LDRs here and there out of loneliness because I couldn't leave the house, but when you're a broke minor, they hardly matter and doomed to fail which they did); plus I valued him too much as a person, an individual, to put him through the nonsense of my abusive situation. He didn't feel the same way about it, and lashed out at me numerous times, but I stayed honest. He tried to buy me gifts, do me favors, etc. I said no. He would ask why am I being so difficult? I would reply, "Because this is what you do for a girlfriend, not a friend. We're not dating. I can't accept this."
SkyCastle90

3 mo
@MCheetah @globetrotter22

Continuation: He pulled away for a few years, and sued a girl he was orbiting because she actually took all his gifts and used him (I even told him she was a bitch from the beginning, but he didn't listen). Then one day he came back, so much healthier. He met another girl who later became his wife (helped him propose to her). To this day we still have each other's back, and now I help his wife too.

It's as ParkRangerDan said, "Just because you can't fuck someone, doesn't mean they can't be your homie. You can even fuck homies." I know him personally, and can say for a fact he's not an orbiter, but instead treats women and men equally; and has boundaries that can't be broken.

Anyway, just go easy on yourselves because feeling utterly destroyed and heartbroken after each failed attempt at asking someone out is exhausting. Having a partner isn't a necessity, it's a choice. Your happiness and self-worth shouldn't depend on another person. Good luck to you both.
globetrotter22

3 mo
@SkyCastle90 you seem like a decent person. Your fiancé is lucky to have you.

Also what you told that one guy who tried to buy you gifts “ "Because this is what you do for a girlfriend, not a friend. We're not dating. I can't accept this." That was extremely classy. However what you did was very rare. Most women will not say that if they were in the same position.

Anyway your right that having a jaded and nihilistic outlook towards the other gender doesn’t help anything. But it’s tough. I have tried to give several women the benefit of the doubt when I get in these situations only to find that the ugly truth is the truth. I’m too old to tolerate that crap anymore. For example whenever a woman calls me a “nice guy” it’s a red flag she’s sees me as friéndzone material. Reason being is I have only dated one in my life who consistently called me “a nice guy” and it was very attracted to me and in love. The rest never.

Anyway it felt good to vent but no more pessimism. I appreciate you hearing us out. That means a lot.
MCheetah

3 mo
@SkyCastle90
Assuming hat you said is true and accurate, you would be in the top 5% of classy women out there. Most women aren't like you. They have their main guy, then a backup guy, then a third option, and so on. Women have the luxury and choice to have "standby men." Most guys don't, unless they're a Chad. No guy wants to be a simp, and when a woman says "I like you as a friend," it USUALLY means you're one her simps; maybe #11 or 12 in her queue of men. If the first ten or eleven fail, maybe you have a shot. This is what most smart men don't want to deal with, in today's day and age. YOU may not be like this, but every guy knows at least one woman who operates 100% like this.
MCheetah

3 mo
@SkyCastle90
(part two)
"Just because you can't f*ck someone, doesn't mean they can't be your homie."

That has to be organic, though. And men and women also see friendships/relationships differently. Most men will separate friendships and relationships. Men will have their guy friends, and their one woman who they date/marry. While women tend to want to develop a friendship into a relationship." Most men won't want this; not just for the simp reasons I said above, but because chances are very high that nothing will eventually "develop." Also, most men don't tend to try to turn friendships into relationships, like I said. IF he has a female friend (and even that is rare for men), then he won't ever try to ask her out or turn her into a girlfriend. Men have a clear line between friend and lover. Women don't.

The TL;DR is, men don't want to "be friends" with women they like. Not now, not EVER. Men who say otherwise are just simps and orbiters who can't admit it. But they are. So if a woman rejects you, to men, that means she basically thinks of you as nothing. As inferior or worthless, like I said. This is also why SOME men lash out and get angry. Those issues are all on them though, not the woman.

But yeah, to end on a high note, you seem classier than most women. Most women will just use guys they don't want to f*ck. And men are smartening up to this, nowadays.
globetrotter22

3 mo
@MCheetah amen bro. The thing is nobody ever warned me about how women pull friéndzone bs back when I was in HS and early college. Really wish I could send myself back in time to warn my younger self of this crap lol. But anyway you are right. More and more men are developing radar for friéndzone bs. That doesn’t mean I will stop by nice to women.

But there is a fine line between being friendly and actually being real friends. Women don’t understand this. They will call almost anybody a “friend” if there is some sort of advantage in it for them. Men on the other generally have a deeper sense of commitment and loyalty once we truly decided to let a person in our circle. We are less superficial.

Answer 2

SkyCastle90

I find 2 and 7 conflicting. If he wants to be more than friends, why stay in contact after she says no?

As for number 7, my disconnect might be due to my sexuality (demisexual). I don't lust after my crushes ever; so staying friends is incredibly easy for me. To help me understand, why is a friendship seen as an insult?

Answer 3

globetrotter22

@SkyCastle90

#2 some women will make initial contact with a guy they know who likes them. That for whatever reason (sadly fickle) they will ghost the guy when decide they don’t want to date him.

#7 alright thank you for explaining your POV. But this is a major issue. Huge one. Probably the number one or two gripe men have about women on GAG.

Just because you are “demisexual” it doesn’t mean the person who is interested in you is. The guy feels attraction and that’s not something he had a choice about. He takes the risk of approaching, getting your contact info, setting a date (usually paying for it), risking the first move, etc. At any point the woman can reject him and that’s totally fine.

However the attraction he feels is not something he can just flip off like a light switch. He might of just been on the fence or it might be a huge crush. Either way it’s a natural biológical impulse people feel in their brains. Of course that doesn’t mean he or anybody is entitled to have it gratified. But it’s there.

Now why exactly should he stay “friends” with you at this point? Tell me exactly how that benefits him? I can give a long list on how it will harm him but please tell me how it would benefit it him?

I can be friendly with women who reject me (if they were polite about it) but definitely not friends. I don’t “hate” them for rejecting me but I don’t like them either. It is what it is.

Answer 4

ParkRangerDan

Alright, so I had to break out the beer for this one. I have 2 questions and an opinion. 1. Why do you explain platonic relationships with such a jaded outlook? 2. Who's choice is it that the man initiates the romantic interest?

A decent human being would quite simply just call that person their "friend" as opposed to becoming passive aggressive due to the lack of that person not reciprocating their romantic feelings. Why make it the woman's prerogative to be polite and have all these rules? Are there some rules that a man should have in the case of friendzoning a woman? or is there a double standard here?

tl:dr
Just because you can't fuck someone, doesn't mean they can't be your homie. You can even fuck homies.

Answer 5

SkyCastle90

@globetrotter22

I understand needing space after rejection; but the questions below have a different tone.

"Now why exactly should he stay "friends" with you at this point? Tell me exactly how that benefits him?"

With that mindset, why have friendships at all. Or is this only toward women; and if it is, are we that useless that if it's not involving sex or child bearing/rearing, then fellowship is completely pointless?

It feels socially inept to think this way.

Answer 6

MCheetah

@SkyCastle90
In short, if a woman doesn't like you enough to date you, then she probably doesn't like you enough to be friends, either. And no man wants a constant reminder of someone he can't have, around in his life. Asking to be friends is disingenuous at best, and insulting at worst.

Answer 7

SkyCastle90

@MCheetah

Why should women who genuinely want friendships be punished over a generalization based upon poor personal choices when selecting a partner?

That mentality reminds me of this chick: If someone says to you they don't have time for a relationship, what would you do? ↗

The guy gave her a polite rejection; yet her response was to get angry and cut him out her life. With that type of thinking why not just say it how it is, "Well, thank for being honest with me, but now you're nothing because I can't f*ck you like how I hoped. No; I can't be friends with nothing. You're nothing. Bye."

Answer 8

globetrotter22

@ParkRangerDan to each his own man. But tbh I have had only one true long time platonic female friend in my entire life. It works because while she is attractive in her own way she’s just not my type. We initially met up for business reasons.

Every other woman who I ever accepted as a “friend” has always been a liability in my life. Even the ones I was on the fence about. Reason being is when hanging out I feel an unspoken pressure to watch over them, give them advice, etc. Even when getting food I notice the service always hands me the bill first. Not that I will ever one way pay everything for a female friend. But also she is more likely to ask for my help for manly things (moving heavy things, car trouble, business advice, etc.). Not that I don’t mind helping friends but the dynamic is usually in the woman’s favor.

But anyway when a man approaches a woman (or vice versa) there is a dynamic both sides can recognized. That’s not something the interested person can easily switch off. They can control it but it’s still there.

Also about vice versa. Yes when I was much younger I was hypocritical a few times about this. But after 30 I treated all woman I was not interested in the way I wanted to be treated. Tactfully direct. Let them know where I stand.

Answer 9

globetrotter22

@SkyCastle90 I have had some women get very nasty and upset with me after I politely rejected them. One time actually got scary. Long story (and metoo story of the genders were reversed) but I was nervous she might do a false accusation bs so I had to be all placating and nice and it was ridiculous.

But does that mean I am going to be “scared” about how future women will react if I reject them? No. I am still going to treat them the exact same way I would want to be treated.

Answer 10

globetrotter22

@ParkRangerDan also have you ever had a woman change her mind about you after friendzoning? I have never once in my entire life had that happen. Ever. Never gotten sexual with a woman after she told me she just wanted to be friends and I was dumb enough to keep in contact with her

Answer 11

ParkRangerDan

The fact that there is a dynamic simply because you are a man and they are a women is telling. Personalities determine dynamics, not gender. Also, have you ever gotten advice from one of your women friends? Have you ever allowed yourself to truly be a friend and let go of the perceived societal pressure that you have put upon yourself? Also, I've had one girl change her mind after friendzoning me and that turned into a 2 year relationship. And if she were to hit me up and be like "Nigga, I'm on heroin and in jail. Oh and pregnant by a Mastiff." I would remind her of what dumb decisions she has made and attempt to help her out. Because that's what humans are supposed to do.

Answer 12

globetrotter22

@ParkRangerDan I am actually quite a thoughtful person. I would agree with your insights above in any other scenario expect when I am attracted to a girl and she doesn’t feel the same way.

I’ve gone through roughy five long term “friéndzone” situations in the past. In every single situation I got taken advantage of. The straw the broke the camels back was incident that happened 3 years ago. I had reunited with a woman (yes grown ass woman year older than me) who I dated briefly about a year and half earlier. We started hanging out again just “as friends” but their was subtitles. Long story short but she did something to insult me in front of my family (after showing up on my doorstep in another state). Maybe I can DM you what happened in you got patience. But the bottom line is she saw me as an orbiter to exploit for her own selfish piece of shit needs. That was the last time I ever went along with friéndzone bs.

But hey you said you were able to create a 2 year relationship with that girl who initially friendzoned you? Well good for you man. But I have never had a success story like that. Women can be emotionally flexible on things but in my experience when they decide to never see you as more than a friénd it’s GAME OVER. They have solid finality on that decision from my POV.

Answer 13

MCheetah

@SkyCastle90
"Why should women who genuinely want friendships be punished over a generalization based upon poor personal choices when selecting a partner?"
How is rejecting a guy any less different than saying:

No one wants to be "friends" with someone who just told them they're inferior/unworthy of her time or attention. Especially self-respecting men in the 2020s, because that would just make them a simp to be used by her.

You're literally doing mental gymnastics to turn the heartbreaker into the "victim" when she (or he) was the one who indirectly told the other person that they're not a good enough person for her (or him). It's even worse when the rejected is someone who ha established history with the rejector, but the rejector will still choose a random stranger over the rejected.

WHY would anyone want that person as a "friend" after that? Do you stay friends with the boss who just fired you yesterday?

Answer 14

MCheetah

@SkyCastle90
(it didn't paste in the last message)

How is rejecting a guy any less different than saying:

"Thank for being honest with me, person I've known for a while now, but you're nothing to me because you weren't born with good enough genetics or had the kind of life to make you exhibit traits I find sexy enough to take a chance on, like I would with random strangers who were born with the right genetics and charisma I like. You're nothing to me, but hey, you can stick around and be my simp and do all the tedious boyfriend stuff without any of the positives, if you want."

No one wants to be "friends" with someone who just told them they're inferior/unworthy of her (or his) time or attention. Especially self-respecting people in the 2020s, because that would just make them a simp to be used by them.

Answer 15

globetrotter22

@SkyCastle90 “ With that mindset, why have friendships at all. Or is this only toward women; and if it is, are we that useless that if it's not involving sex or child bearing/rearing, then fellowship is completely pointless?”

I am just trying to understand this confidence (literally entitlement) women have that they must be friends with a guy who likes them but they don’t feel the same. You can be friends with literally anyone else. But WHY do so many women insist that they should be friends with the guy they rejected?

The best case scenario why is that the woman “feels bad” and naively believes she is letting the guy down with gentle hands. A way not to “hurt him” (in reality it’s the worst thing she can do).

However more often than not she knows that he will be more likely to bend over backwards for her given she has emotional leverage on him. She knows a part of him is hoping she will change her mind and she can use that to her advantage. This is insidious and it happens why to often. Some men do this to women too but it’s much less common.

Answer 16

SkyCastle90

@MCheetah @globetrotter22

Victim mentality? What on earth... There shouldn't be victims in any of these scenarios.

When you approach someone, whether female or male, you're asking that individual out. That person is neither the ambassador of their gender nor can speak for every woman or man, they're just a person. However, you're responsible for who you pick and how to go about it. If you're always encountering a terrible person who will use you or mistreat you, then you're not picking your potential partners correctly. It's easy to divide the issue into a gender war, the differences between the sexes, but is it going to get you anywhere closer to finding a good partner? No. Personally, if I never figured this out for myself, I wouldn't have met and asked out my now fiancé.

Friendships shouldn't be seen as a consolation prize either if you have someone who can be a true friend to you. One of my bestfriends is a guy who liked me a lot in high school, and it was horribly one sided for a while, but not in the way you assume. Why didn't we date? It's not because he was unworthy/inferior; I had an abusive family and balancing their bullshit on top of a relationship just didn't sit well with me (I had LDRs here and there out of loneliness because I couldn't leave the house, but when you're a broke minor, they hardly matter and doomed to fail which they did); plus I valued him too much as a person, an individual, to put him through the nonsense of my abusive situation. He didn't feel the same way about it, and lashed out at me numerous times, but I stayed honest. He tried to buy me gifts, do me favors, etc. I said no. He would ask why am I being so difficult? I would reply, "Because this is what you do for a girlfriend, not a friend. We're not dating. I can't accept this."

Answer 17

SkyCastle90

@MCheetah @globetrotter22

Continuation: He pulled away for a few years, and sued a girl he was orbiting because she actually took all his gifts and used him (I even told him she was a bitch from the beginning, but he didn't listen). Then one day he came back, so much healthier. He met another girl who later became his wife (helped him propose to her). To this day we still have each other's back, and now I help his wife too.

It's as ParkRangerDan said, "Just because you can't fuck someone, doesn't mean they can't be your homie. You can even fuck homies." I know him personally, and can say for a fact he's not an orbiter, but instead treats women and men equally; and has boundaries that can't be broken.

Anyway, just go easy on yourselves because feeling utterly destroyed and heartbroken after each failed attempt at asking someone out is exhausting. Having a partner isn't a necessity, it's a choice. Your happiness and self-worth shouldn't depend on another person. Good luck to you both.

Answer 18

globetrotter22

@SkyCastle90 you seem like a decent person. Your fiancé is lucky to have you.

Also what you told that one guy who tried to buy you gifts “ "Because this is what you do for a girlfriend, not a friend. We're not dating. I can't accept this." That was extremely classy. However what you did was very rare. Most women will not say that if they were in the same position.

Anyway your right that having a jaded and nihilistic outlook towards the other gender doesn’t help anything. But it’s tough. I have tried to give several women the benefit of the doubt when I get in these situations only to find that the ugly truth is the truth. I’m too old to tolerate that crap anymore. For example whenever a woman calls me a “nice guy” it’s a red flag she’s sees me as friéndzone material. Reason being is I have only dated one in my life who consistently called me “a nice guy” and it was very attracted to me and in love. The rest never.

Anyway it felt good to vent but no more pessimism. I appreciate you hearing us out. That means a lot.

Answer 19

MCheetah

@SkyCastle90
Assuming hat you said is true and accurate, you would be in the top 5% of classy women out there. Most women aren't like you. They have their main guy, then a backup guy, then a third option, and so on. Women have the luxury and choice to have "standby men." Most guys don't, unless they're a Chad. No guy wants to be a simp, and when a woman says "I like you as a friend," it USUALLY means you're one her simps; maybe #11 or 12 in her queue of men. If the first ten or eleven fail, maybe you have a shot. This is what most smart men don't want to deal with, in today's day and age. YOU may not be like this, but every guy knows at least one woman who operates 100% like this.

Answer 20

MCheetah

@SkyCastle90
(part two)
"Just because you can't f*ck someone, doesn't mean they can't be your homie."

That has to be organic, though. And men and women also see friendships/relationships differently. Most men will separate friendships and relationships. Men will have their guy friends, and their one woman who they date/marry. While women tend to want to develop a friendship into a relationship." Most men won't want this; not just for the simp reasons I said above, but because chances are very high that nothing will eventually "develop." Also, most men don't tend to try to turn friendships into relationships, like I said. IF he has a female friend (and even that is rare for men), then he won't ever try to ask her out or turn her into a girlfriend. Men have a clear line between friend and lover. Women don't.

The TL;DR is, men don't want to "be friends" with women they like. Not now, not EVER. Men who say otherwise are just simps and orbiters who can't admit it. But they are. So if a woman rejects you, to men, that means she basically thinks of you as nothing. As inferior or worthless, like I said. This is also why SOME men lash out and get angry. Those issues are all on them though, not the woman.

But yeah, to end on a high note, you seem classier than most women. Most women will just use guys they don't want to f*ck. And men are smartening up to this, nowadays.

Answer 21

globetrotter22

@MCheetah amen bro. The thing is nobody ever warned me about how women pull friéndzone bs back when I was in HS and early college. Really wish I could send myself back in time to warn my younger self of this crap lol. But anyway you are right. More and more men are developing radar for friéndzone bs. That doesn’t mean I will stop by nice to women.

But there is a fine line between being friendly and actually being real friends. Women don’t understand this. They will call almost anybody a “friend” if there is some sort of advantage in it for them. Men on the other generally have a deeper sense of commitment and loyalty once we truly decided to let a person in our circle. We are less superficial.

Answer 22

Moose304 | 92 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 5

I was thinking about making this comment anonymously because it might ruffle some feelings. I HIGHLY suggest making a rejection in a direct way, but there is no need to be mean unless that guy places you in that position. There is a reason I say this. Things change over time. What happens in a few years when the dynamics change? You may want the guy to notice you, but in his mind, you are a b**ch? There is no easy way to reject a guy! I might also add that it's even harder to be nice when the guy is an incel today. I just say stay classy, stay as nice as he will allow you to be, and NEVER make fun of him. In other words, DO NOT burn a bridge you might desire to cross 10 years from now. Just saying!

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Answer 23

Aerissa_Jade | 361 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Yoda

This can always be tricky, I try to be assertive and honest. If he gets a bit pushy, like a lot of guys seriously think if I say I am not interested that they can convince me otherwise.

I start off nice and polite, but can end up getting rude if he won't leave it alone.

I know rejection is never something anyone enjoys, especially those that have invested days, weeks or even months dreaming about asking you out. Planning it all out in their mind, then finally getting the courage to do it. Only to be rejected they end up devastated by it.

If he takes it well and is nice, I will often suggest we just be friends, some take the offer, some storm away angry. Some guys actually have hit me physically for saying politely that I wasn't interested in them, then call me names and walk away. Really glad I said no to them if they are that violent.

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3 People

MCheetah

3 mo
Sorry some guys got violent with you. That's uncalled for.

However, do not ever Friendzone a guy. That's way worse than a rejection. That's basically saying you don't find him attractive enough to date, but you wan to exploit him as a potential simp, anyway. A harsh rejection is less cruel than flat-out friendzoning a guy. Most men have zero interest in actually being friends with a woman they find desirable, anyway. It's just rubbing salt in the wound.
Aerissa_Jade

3 mo
Thanks for MHO

Answer 24

MCheetah

Sorry some guys got violent with you. That's uncalled for.

However, do not ever Friendzone a guy. That's way worse than a rejection. That's basically saying you don't find him attractive enough to date, but you wan to exploit him as a potential simp, anyway. A harsh rejection is less cruel than flat-out friendzoning a guy. Most men have zero interest in actually being friends with a woman they find desirable, anyway. It's just rubbing salt in the wound.

Answer 25

Aerissa_Jade

Thanks for MHO

Answer 26

Cynicaldreamer | 3.3K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Influencer

Just be honest. That's it. No sugarcoating, no lying, no "I like you but..." nonsense, or excuses to spare his feelings.

There's a way to be direct without being rude or an ass about it. I would tell the guy, "Thanks but I don't feel the same way." That's it. I would expect a guy to say the same thing to me as well...
And for both genders, please don't say, "Let's just be friends!" because we all know it never works out that way- for guys or girls (speaking from my own experience there).

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9 People

globetrotter22

3 mo
Thank God there are some women out there who get how insulting the “can we be friends” question can be. It’s bad enough when women in their early 20s ask that selfish ass question. But I’ve encountered four different women in their 30s who have said that bullshit to me in the last few years. I have gotten increasingly nastier to them when I give my answer to that.
Cynicaldreamer

3 mo
@globetrotter22 I get it! I have no problem being friends with a guy, but if I'm attracted to and want to date you, the last thing I want to hear is, "Let's be friends instead!

No! Had too many guys do that to me; it just irks me and makes me resent them more than anything because it's hard being friends with someone you have feelings for.
globetrotter22

3 mo
I have been guilt of doing that when I was younger. But I can count the number of times on one hand I’ve actually said that to a girl. Also when it comes to dating 9 out 10 times men do the approaching (and put in lots of effort) so women have a lot more experience rejecting guys. They should be smarter and more tactful about how to do it.

But some women are either delusional that straight men are going to accept this or worse just want the guy as an orbiter to take advantage of. I never in my life intentionally kept a girl around as an “orbiter” for my own ends.

Answer 27

globetrotter22

Thank God there are some women out there who get how insulting the “can we be friends” question can be. It’s bad enough when women in their early 20s ask that selfish ass question. But I’ve encountered four different women in their 30s who have said that bullshit to me in the last few years. I have gotten increasingly nastier to them when I give my answer to that.

Answer 28

Cynicaldreamer

@globetrotter22 I get it! I have no problem being friends with a guy, but if I'm attracted to and want to date you, the last thing I want to hear is, "Let's be friends instead!

No! Had too many guys do that to me; it just irks me and makes me resent them more than anything because it's hard being friends with someone you have feelings for.

Answer 29

globetrotter22

I have been guilt of doing that when I was younger. But I can count the number of times on one hand I’ve actually said that to a girl. Also when it comes to dating 9 out 10 times men do the approaching (and put in lots of effort) so women have a lot more experience rejecting guys. They should be smarter and more tactful about how to do it.

But some women are either delusional that straight men are going to accept this or worse just want the guy as an orbiter to take advantage of. I never in my life intentionally kept a girl around as an “orbiter” for my own ends.

Answer 30

Desconhecida | 1.3K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Influencer

Being honest with him.

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4 People

Answer 31

SkyCastle90

Xper 5

I play with the idea that most men think women are liars/gold diggers/bitches, so wording rejection differently along with feign ignorance helped tremendously for me.

Instead of: "I have a boyfriend." Or, "I'm in a relationship, sorry." "No. Leave me alone."

I use, "Oh thank you. But.. I don't want to lie to you, I'm in a relationship; we can hang out as friends if you want." Or some variations of that sentence depending on the situation and level of agression.

Most of the time the guy will understand I'm taking the high road, and leave me alone.

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globetrotter22

3 mo
Hey could you read my post about this? I would appreciate it if you did. Thanks.
MCheetah

3 mo
@SkyCastle90
I agree with everything you said except the "we can hang out as friends" part. That's still pretty insulting and no one likes to get friendzoned (not to mention, most women don't want new friends like that either, so it's usually lying to him).
SkyCastle90

3 mo
@MCheetah

That's the feign ignorance part. I'm well aware that as a woman making true male friends is rare.

At the same time it is a true offer and the, "if you want," gives them an option to say no. In my expereince I get guys who chuckle at my offer and either say Nah, thank me for being honest and go about their day; or just bewilderment and would actually strike up a conversation and I'll genuinely talk with them on various topics until they realize that I was serious and either ask me out again or go about their day.

Of course this friendship offer isn't given out if the guy is really aggressive or pushy; and it's not given to men I already thought friends with, because at that point the friendship would just end or be on a hiatus until he's ready to continue.

Answer 32

globetrotter22

Hey could you read my post about this? I would appreciate it if you did. Thanks.

Answer 33

MCheetah

@SkyCastle90
I agree with everything you said except the "we can hang out as friends" part. That's still pretty insulting and no one likes to get friendzoned (not to mention, most women don't want new friends like that either, so it's usually lying to him).

Answer 34

SkyCastle90

@MCheetah

That's the feign ignorance part. I'm well aware that as a woman making true male friends is rare.

At the same time it is a true offer and the, "if you want," gives them an option to say no. In my expereince I get guys who chuckle at my offer and either say Nah, thank me for being honest and go about their day; or just bewilderment and would actually strike up a conversation and I'll genuinely talk with them on various topics until they realize that I was serious and either ask me out again or go about their day.

Of course this friendship offer isn't given out if the guy is really aggressive or pushy; and it's not given to men I already thought friends with, because at that point the friendship would just end or be on a hiatus until he's ready to continue.

Answer 35

DizzyDesii | 3.4K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

I often say “Sorry i’m already talking to someone at the moment.” But inrealized that often leaves him with hope that if i breakup with the person that he stands a chance. So its best to just say, “I’m flattered but we’re not eachothers types, believe me. However, i hope you find that right one for you.” And it would be nice if people could handle rejection well but some can't and then they call you a stuckup B—. So not only should we turn them down respectfully, but they need to be able to accept our answer and respectfully walk away

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3 People

Answer 36

ShadezMcgee | 686 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Yoda

Honestly, the nicest way is to just say, "I'm not interested in you" or "I don't see you that way." It is direct and it does the band aid rip off right there.

Any time women give the wishy washy, dog and pony bullshit game of indirect/ambiguous answers, or prefacing it by saying "I think you are a great/nice guy" is just delaying the inevitable and making us feel worse. Don't call us a great or nice guy to try and soften the blow and make us feel worse because the reality is ("If I am such a great/nice guy, why aren't you interested?" "What did I do wrong?", "Why am I not enough for you?"), just say you aren't feeling it. Guaranteed the stable and confident men will respect and appreciate you women a lot more for being upfront and direct, even if it hurts because you didn't do two things. You didn't waste our time and you didn't lie to us and string us along.

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2 People

Answer 37

youngmix

Xper 5

It depends on how the guy approaches me. Some guys are absolutely stupid beyond comprehension, they have no self control, original ideas, humor, or a fucking clue.
First time the guy ever speaks to you, with his friends watching, "I, ugh. I heard you're DTF. You ugh, you wanna hook up?"
Or how about the guys who don't get a clue? Apparently no is not clear enough for some people. These guys get special treatment.

Outside of the fucking subhumans, I think everyone deserves respect. I generally say something like, "I'm sorry, no. I'm not interested." in the nicest way I can.

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3 People

Answer 38

muscularbumblebee | 129 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 7

Just be blunt but not rude ‘thanks for the offer (if for a date) but I’m not interested in you in that way’ usually does the trick.

No point being overly polite and the guy thinking you’re playing hard to get. Don’t lead him on just tell him. Works for me anyway

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3 People

pass_the_celery98

3 mo
I think a better way to go about it is like this.

Hey (guys name) I respect the fact that you approached me a in considerate way to ask me out because confidence goes a long way with us girls. But I don’t want to lead you on or hurt you and it would be in best interest for the both of us to not do that to each other. This isn’t a cold hard rejection by a girl because I don’t like you, I think you have good qualities. But everyone has their own preferences and there will be a girl out there one day who will provide more in a relationship and that’s based on love, trust and chemistry.

Something like that should make a guy realize you said it in a kind, informative way, and you didn’t shatter his self esteem. I think that’s why nowadays there are hardcore feminists who rip guys apart, those guys get pissed and then become incels of hating women. I’m not pinpointing blame on feminists because I know a guys hatred for women comes from the home and how he behaves with girls from school or even at his workplace.
muscularbumblebee

3 mo
I get where you’re coming from which makes sense but I think it also depends more on your personality. Eh. I’m more of a direct blunt person so if I change my persona suddenly explaining why I said no he’s going to think I’m putting him. I’d rather just be truthful

On the other hand have also been rejected many times asking guys out, some of which have been harsh rejections. You just move on to the next person
muscularbumblebee

3 mo
Pittying *

Answer 39

pass_the_celery98

I think a better way to go about it is like this.

Hey (guys name) I respect the fact that you approached me a in considerate way to ask me out because confidence goes a long way with us girls. But I don’t want to lead you on or hurt you and it would be in best interest for the both of us to not do that to each other. This isn’t a cold hard rejection by a girl because I don’t like you, I think you have good qualities. But everyone has their own preferences and there will be a girl out there one day who will provide more in a relationship and that’s based on love, trust and chemistry.

Something like that should make a guy realize you said it in a kind, informative way, and you didn’t shatter his self esteem. I think that’s why nowadays there are hardcore feminists who rip guys apart, those guys get pissed and then become incels of hating women. I’m not pinpointing blame on feminists because I know a guys hatred for women comes from the home and how he behaves with girls from school or even at his workplace.

Answer 40

muscularbumblebee

I get where you’re coming from which makes sense but I think it also depends more on your personality. Eh. I’m more of a direct blunt person so if I change my persona suddenly explaining why I said no he’s going to think I’m putting him. I’d rather just be truthful

On the other hand have also been rejected many times asking guys out, some of which have been harsh rejections. You just move on to the next person

Answer 41

muscularbumblebee

Pittying *

Answer 42

Slartybartfast | 401 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 7

Never complained about a simple "not interested" or the usual "I've got a boyfriend" back when I used to put myself through that hell because I didn't want to be alone.

It's only when they use you for amusement and humiliate the guy publicly that it's a problem.

At this point in our culture here in the USA , it's no longer acceptable to approach anyway. A risky and stupid thing for a man to do IMHO.

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Answer 43

joshctlee | 87 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 5

I dated a girl who didn’t feel a connection but she continued to lead me on and gave some hint she was a little interested whilst rejecting me.
Drove me nuts 🥜
She said
1. “I feel like you should find someone closer to you. I like you a lot but I’m feeling like a can’t be a good girlfriend right now”

2.” I like you a lot, but my life is getting super busy”

3. I’m not emotionally ready to dive into a relationship that could end up serious but may not be emotionally ready for, if you wanna talk as friends I would certainly enjoy seeing you and having that kind of relationship”

All while she was still dating other people smh 🤦🏻‍♂️

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2 People

Answer 44

whirled_up_girl | 130 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 7

I haven't been in this situation a whole lot but when it's happened it usually because the two of us want different things out of life and a long term relationship wouldn't be practical. So that's usually what I say, "we're two people who want different things out of life, and you deserve someone who wants the same things that you want."

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1 Person

Answer 45

Petermorgan34

Xper 5

Be honest. We don't appreciate you talking about other dudes, or being rude in rejection, or playing dumb (like leading us on, or sugar coating it). Just be honest and politely say you are not interested in perusing anything, mature men will move on to another girl, boys will be boys but one day they 90% of us become men.

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1 Person

Answer 46

Crafteroon

Xper 5

"Thank you for speaking up about your feelings, I appreciate you doing this, but I don't see you in that way." Conclude with hope our friendship stays or whatever the relationship has been at that point.

Speaking nonsense or blatant lies to "protect their feelings" is just cruel. And speak firmly, so that they understand properly. If they ask or beg for a chance to prove themselves when you don't feel that way at all is you not getting the point across.

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1 Person

Answer 47

AncientWisdom | 82 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 6

She needs to be straight up with him. If he acts like an ass about it he isn’t a man he’s an adult male. There’s a difference. Just as their are women and then there are adult females. There’s a difference.

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3 People

Answer 48

AviatorTom | 614 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Guru

Honesty is best. If the girl is really not interested, she should tell the guy... in a nice way, something like "You're a great guy and I'm sure you'll find the right girl for you... but I'm not that girl."

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Answer 49

Buntyp

Xper 5

Just be nice, remember that the guy is a human being with feelings and drop the like you as a friend bomb--as long as that's true. Stick with honesty and be straightforward about it.

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Answer 50

Sirenboobzilla | 65 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 6

I try to be honest and nice, saying "I think you're great, just not for me" or "I'm not I terested in you that way right now." Problem is then those that can't take no for an answer

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3 People

globetrotter22

3 mo
“ I'm not I terested in you that way right now."

Why do you include a “right now”. Like you might magically change your mind 50 years from now or something? We both know when you say “not right now” really means never.

Answer 51

globetrotter22

“ I'm not I terested in you that way right now."

Why do you include a “right now”. Like you might magically change your mind 50 years from now or something? We both know when you say “not right now” really means never.

Answer 52

OlderThanILook | 162 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 6

I would have appreciated a simple "no, I don't want to go out with you." But most of the time I get called creepy or fuckboy or some kind of unnecessary insult when all I did was ask the girl to go to a cafe or something.

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1 Person

Answer 53

Anonymous

Personally I would like to be let down gently but firmly. Every time I’ve been turned down it’s been an awkward situation of mixed signals and I just stop initiating to be safe. I get that some guys don’t take rejection well, but I can’t imagine sending mixed signals helps with that.

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1 Person

Answer 54

RealMarek | 333 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Explorer

A simple “Thanks but no, I’m not interested,” or “You’re a great guy but I don’t think we’re a good match,” etc. is fine. If the guy gets
argumentative or won’t leave a woman alone I recommend escalating to “F*** off!”

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2 People

Answer 55

CarolineW

Xper 5

I've always tried to be polite and respectful, and would certainly never try to embarrass as guy. However, if he doesn't take no0 for an answer, it could get ugly

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2 People

Answer 56

anonbrunette99 | 85 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Yoda

Just “I don’t think we’re compatible” or I didn’t feel a connection I think that’s how most do it, that’s how I have anyway

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If a girl isn't interested in a guy, what's the most respectful way she should turn him down?

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